An iDoll, but not Pope Francis.
Could be anyone...
Getting nearer, but still doesn't quite capture him.
Very artistic, but who is it supposed to be?
NO.
Yes, here he is at last, surrounded by "concelebrating" clowns.
And again, with the local village idiot.
Cute enough to be saved.
It was explained that, whereas Jesus died to save humans from their sins, animals as such do not have a great idea of the difference between Good and Evil, being in that respect something like Members of Parliament or Guardian-readers. For instance, how do you tell the difference between a good crocodile and a bad crocodile when it's biting your leg off? Moreover, it would be inconvenient to have crocodiles wandering round Heaven, even ones equipped with angels' wings.
An optimistic crocodile sings "Amazing Grace".
C.S. Lewis once said that a Heaven for mosquitoes could be combined with a Hell for humans. Nowadays, modern teaching has largely abolished the idea of Hell, and Good and Evil are replaced with Niceness - see the Niceone Creed for details. Nevertheless, being able to decide whether one is saved simply on the basis of one's Cuteness applies only to animals, and not to humans. For example, many of the saints were not at all cute.
John the Baptist - as un-cute as Russell Brand but still saved.
Fr Lombardi added that simply possessing a cute pet was not an automatic guarantee for salvation: the pet itself would have to abandon its owner in the afterlife. Cats, for example, will do this without any scruples.
Only one of these is saved. Can you work out which it is?
According to Biblical teaching, God has decided that sheep are saved, and goats are not; this does indeed follow the principle of "cuteness", as goats are not generally regarded as cute animals. Indeed it is hard to imagine Pope Francis trying to gain credibility by walking around with an unsaved goat round his neck. Q.E.D.
The Pope poses with a saved creature.
This is me, Eccles (but without the red biretta).
A few of my recent posts have been a bit too satirical, and misunderstood by people who didn't really get the point - this misunderstanding being encouraged by some deliberate misrepresentation by various unsaved persons. So today I am going to impersonate a fluffy bunny, and show that I can love my enemies: I will offend nobody. After all, you never saw Christ mocking the Pharisees. Well, except in the Bible.
As a carrot in good standing, I wish to protest about fluffy bunnies.
Let's start with my new friend Richard Dawkins. Since I stood up for him in the TEESHIRTGATE scandal, saying that he had a perfect right to wear a "Jesus and Mo" tee-shirt, provided that he didn't mind looking like a vulgar idiot, Professor D. has become one of my greatest admirers. "There's a lot of good in Brother Eccles," he says, and indeed, he has sent me flowers, chocolates, and copies of his greatest books; also, he has invited me to attend a Dawkins-worship service at the Church of Dawkins. I am still undecided about that.
L'élégance Oxonienne - but I don't understand this shirt.
Who is next for the Eccles paw of friendship? Poor Barack Obama has had a bad press here lately, but what's a passion for late-term abortions and a mania for warmongering, among close friends? No, I have plenty of good things to say about him too.
A true comedian: Obama recreates the "silly walks" sketch from Monty Python.
Another politician who needs a little love is Enda Kenny. No, I will not call him Enda Life, nor refer to him as Ireland's shame. He is a pious Catholic, fully supported by the Irish bishops, and the world is a beautiful place.
Enda Kenny - loves all creatures that live and breathe.*
*Offer may not apply to humans. Your mileage may vary.
Another group of people that I have vowed to love is the Tablet staff. Distinguished experts on Human Flourishing such as Tina Beattie, brilliant writers such as Catherine Pepinster, and of course the great Ed Stourton, as a result of whose efforts the BBC is now regarded in many circles as a place where one finds unswerving support for orthodox Catholicism.
"And they roll up their trouser legs like this." Ed explains freemasonry.
Of course Eccles is already on excellent terms with the English and Welsh bishops, and has often praised their faithfulness to the Magisterium and their opposition to organizations such as ACTA. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love ACTA too, I think it's shocking that they live in fear, and that most Catholics are too busy getting on with their daily business of loving God and loving their neighbours to listen to their demands for power. But of course bishops are even more important than the 95-year-old enfants terribles of the Church.
A bishop. Anglican? Catholic? How can you tell?
Well, even fluffy bunnies have their enemies. If any blood-crazed ferrets or foxy deacons are reading this, I love you too, but preferably from a safe distance.
The underdog
Chien j'y sous-chien!
[The singer complains that he is always the underdog.]
Fille d'Islande vif dit farceuse clairet.
[A girl from Iceland says he is lively, but she is a jester who drinks claret.]
The girl from Iceland.
Blé ce spire rite Blaise!
[He invokes St Blaise to condemn a ritual involving binding wheat into coils.]
Ce tour hâtes Enfer!
[This prank hurries one to Hell!]
Beware pagan rituals!
Flou rit va flou!
[Confused, he laughs and goes.]
Fleur de naissance suive graissant merci!
[The flower denotes birth, but afterwards greasing (unction) may follow, thank God!]
Frère Graham looks forward to his deathbed.
Scène de four dur verte,
[The scenery is green, even if toiling at the oven is hard.]
Lourdes en laideur Pilate!
[He goes to Lourdes to atone for the ugliness of Pontius Pilate.]
The ugliness of Pilate.
H/T brother Ben Trovato for reminding me of Mots d'Heures: Gousse, Rames. An alternative translation of the song may be found here.
Similarly, a broken leg doesn't require extensive bandaging - a skilled homeopath can cure it with a small sticking plaster (indeed, applying it for five seconds and then removing it should be enough).
You poor man - let's get these bandages off and cure you homeopathically.
And now the principles of homeopathy are being applied to religion. Compare and contrast the old and the new regimes:
Old: Love God, love your neighbour as yourself, prayer, fasting, Mass attendance, charitable actions, regular reading of this blog.
New: Generally stay indifferent to God, ignore your neighbour, say "O God" in times of trouble, refuse that fifth helping of treacle pudding in Lent, ...
Fasting - in Lent do not eat more than four of these at a time.
... wave at the church as you drive past on the way to Tesco's, put your old hole-ridden socks in one of those charity bags that people push through your letter-box, use the Tablet to line the cat's litter tray.
Who's been leaving **** in my litter tray?
We spoke to one of the leading exponents of homeopathic Catholicism, jolly "Enda Life" Kenny. He explained to us that, despite his antipathy towards unborn babies, he remains a staunch Catholic. On the principle that a little goes a long way, Enda is going to feed on minute, diluted quantities of Catholic doctrine - if he can find something easily digestible that will not get in the way of his more important diet of secularism.
"Yes, I'm having a hot dog for lunch," says Enda.
Well, there you have it. As homeopathic medicine is cheap and relies on the "placebo" effect, we see that homeopathic religion, relying on the "Please yourself" effect, requires no difficult commitments; it can be practised in such a way that nobody even notices that it is going on.
The homeopathic road to Salvation.
Mr Eccles cannot speak to you right now, Professor Dawkins.
"I'm bored, Eccles," says this zoologist, a modest chap who wishes to remain nameless. "Give me more spiritual nourishment, or I'll have to go back to spending all day on Twitter as follows:
Monday: Insult Catholics. Tuesday: Insult Muslims. Wednesday: Re-tweet sycophantic remarks saying how great I am. Thursday: Insult pro-lifers, opponents of SSM, anyone with any moral views. Friday: Day of abstinence. Off Twitter. Working on new book More garbage. I'll think of a better title later. Saturday: Regret insulting all Catholics; insult the Pope instead. Sunday: Attend Church of [my name] and accept praise from grateful worshippers.So, let's get on with 1 Kings.
Or should it be "3 Kings"?
It's been pointed out to me that some Bibles used by Catholics - although not all - would call this "3 Kings" and the books of Samuel would be 1 Kings and 2 Kings. Well, whatever we call it, it does contain lots of historical stuff about Kings of Israel.
Solomon, son of David, is well-known: ♫ Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet anoin-ted Sol-o-mo-on KING! ♫ - as Handel put it.
God offers Solomon a wish: Ask what thou wilt that I should give thee. Solomon turns down the obvious things - money, women, Jerusalem to win the cup ... and asks: Give therefore to thy servant an understanding heart, to judge thy people, and discern between good and evil.
THIS PLEASES GOD. So much so that Solomon ends up with lots of money and women as well.
Some of Solomon's 700 mothers-in-law.
Well, that's our bit of moral teaching out of the way. Solomon also builds a temple, which will survive 400 years until Nebuchadnezzar knocks it down to make way for a housing estate. More on that later.
We fast-forward to the death of Solomon the Wise, and the arrival on the scene of his son Rehoboam (or Roboam) the Unwise. His offer to the people is, frankly, not a great vote-winner: My father beat you with whips, but I will beat you with scorpions.
Actually, some of my customers do ask for the "scorpion" service.
For what it's worth, the old men had given better advice than this, but it was the young men who came up with this vote-loser.
So the kingdom is divided - Rehoboam is left with just two of the twelve tribes (in the south), while Jeroboam, a known trouble-maker, gets the other ten (in the north).
A short guide to Biblical characters.
The brand-name Israel goes with Jeroboam's kingdom, although in fact we should be just as interested in the "other one", which is Judah.
One of the most important people not yet mentioned is Elijah (Elias) the prophet, who takes on the rival prophets of Baal and wins. You may say that's not very difficult, really, as Baal is a made-up God, but it does help if you've got a good line to the real God when necessary. Nowadays there are very few people who worship Baal, even in Oxford.
Look, I can see you're fidgeting, Richard. I know it was you who was rustling those papers. And stop pulling Polly Toynbee's hair. Honestly, these Bible classes become harder and harder to control. Go and look up Jezebel, and write me an essay on what happened to her. Something to do with dogs, you'll find...
Jezebel, wife of Ahab, and another villain.
O.K. Class dismissed!
Our story resumes in Egypt.
In fact I have already been condemned for heresy for not explaining carefully enough about scriptures being divinely inspired, etc., but let's continue to dumb down slightly and get to the story, which is a cracking good read.
Now, we're going to see a lot of miracles in this chapter: burning bushes, plagues, and the parting of the Red Sea, for starters. You atheists are naturally a little unhappy with this: we don't know what the laws of physics actually are, but whatever they are, we mustn't break them. It's a bit like most modern legislation in fact - is it legal to upset a police dog by saying "Miaouw" to it? But I digress...
An upset police dog.
Still, if God exists then He can certainly break the laws of physics. But if He doesn't, then He can't. We'll see more of this later.
Now if you've been paying attention, you'll realise that the Israelites are very important in the Bible, and the first part of Exodus is all about how Moses helps them escape from the dangers of life in Egypt, and head off towards the promised land.
Moses (R) observes the dangers of life in Egypt.
Their way out of Egypt is blocked by water; Moses parts the Red Sea and the Israelites escape. Now, Richard, before you say "Pshaw! An invisible god that we don't understand causing the sea to move. How can that be?" (you were going to say that, weren't you?) let me point out that the tides you take for granted already cause the sea to move by an invisible force - gravity - that we don't understand, even if we have some equations to describe its action.
If I told you that the moon was somehow involved, would you believe me?
Now, Moses is going to have some interesting times in the desert. There's this business of the Ten Commandments, for starters (these will also turn up in Deuteronomy, with a slightly different wording). I'm sure you'd agree with some of them - if you get a reputation for killing, telling lies and stealing they're not going to invite you to prestigious international conferences, are they, Richard? Although if your killing is restricted to young babies, then President Obama will bless you, if that's what you'd like.
Bowing down to worship idols (even rabbits) is also a no-no.
Anyway, God sets up a covenant with Moses and the Israelites. Arguably, this is the third covenant we've seen so far, as there were previous (less detailed) deals cut with Noah and Abraham. However, this is the most significant, and says that if the Israelites behave themselves, then they will be God's special people. Until Jesus comes along to upset the apple-cart, this is what people will be mostly working with.
The rest of Exodus is mainly concerned with constructing a tabernacle, regarded as a place where God can dwell. You're going to have trouble with this, Richard, as obviously if God exists then He is close to us everywhere, but it's useful to have a particular holy place to focus on.
Moses, you will also need a hammer, a Phillips screwdriver, and a lot of faith.
So we're rapidly approaching the end of Book 2 of the Bible, and I think I've picked out some of the more important bits for you. What comes next is Leviticus, in which there's a lot less action, and a lot more in the way of rules and regulations, but let's finish with another action photo from the earlier part of Exodus.
An Egyptian conference on Anura zoology.
Bishop Tom Burns: sometimes a card, but never a cardinal.
Several factors had contributed to this lack of confidence in the British bishops, starting with some rebellious comments from Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Kieran Conry, and culminating in a deranged outburst from Bishop Burns.
Kiero fiddles while Tom Burns.
Indeed, Tommy Burns, of the People's Republic of Menevia - a socialist state that somehow escaped the collapse of communism in 1990 - courageously took the opportunity of the Pope's retirement to put forward his own views on Catholicism. Had he expressed such opinions in 2008, it would probably have prevented his promotion from Bishop of the Farces to Bishop of Menevia.
Bishop Burns told the Tablet, a well-known organ of Protestantism: "Conservatism has had its day. It doesn’t work. Despite all Benedict’s efforts, the Church is losing its place in society." Bishop Burns rightly considers that a "place in society" is very important, and he is definitely miffed because he misses out on so many social events.
A Royal Garden Party. Alas, no Tommy Burns!
In a moment of sudden self-awareness, Burns called for a "root and-branch review of the method of appointing bishops." It is thought that he was apprehensive that a lunatic with a totally absurd view of Catholicism might end up being appointed to a diocese such as Menevia.
Annoy the Pope and win an evening out with Tina Beattie.
As a side-effect of his meltdown, Tom Burns is now a hot favourite to win the Tablet's new prize competition, Annoy the Pope and win an evening out with Tina Beattie. However, expert opinion suggests that a whole evening with the biggest bore in modern British Catholicism may be more than even he can stomach.
Keith O'Brien dances with Flora McHaggis.
Meanwhile, in Scotland, another contestant for the Tablet's prize, Cardinal Keith O'Brien, has made it clear that he has "no plans to marry" Miss Flora McHaggis, a leading piper, even if a new Pope is elected who would permit him to do so. "But I'd like the option," he explained.
Pope Who?
In other news, speculation is growing as to which name the next Pope will take. According to a recent poll, the current front-runners are:
1. Cormac; 2. Kieran; 3. Tom;
"Doubting" Tom calls for a root and-branch review of the method of appointing apostles.
4. Hans; 5. John-Paul, John, Paul, or Paul-John; 6. George-Ringo; 7. Damian;
St Damian cured this dog of a cupcake addiction.
8. Z; 9. Eccles (saved); 10. Ye.
Pope Ye: he (also) hath shown strength with his arm.
