Brexodus 21 - Bosis departeth from EUgypt

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. In the last month of the fourth year, Bosis returned as leader of the children of Bri-tain.

Bosis meeth the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon.

2. So he went back to the House of common people, whence the Squeaker known as Ber-cow had departed, and a new Squeaker, Linus the Holy, ruled in his place.

3. And now by virtue of his superior forces Bosis was able to obtain an agreement from the House of common people.

4. Thus the people of Bri-tain girded up their loins and packed up their tents, ready to leave, as they had done at least twice before.

5. And the Lord decreed that those who wished to remain in EUgypt could no longer force the people to ungird their loins and unpack their tents.

6. For there was a man named Jolyon Mammon, whose parents had named him after a place in which strangers might drink tea.

Mrs Mammon chooseth a name for her baby boy.

7. Jolyon had spent much gold in trying to stop the children of Bri-tain from leaving EUgypt.

8. But on the day of boxing the Lord spake unto him in a dream, saying "Dress in thy wife's garments, grab thy mighty club, and slay the fox that dwelleth in the garden." And Jolyon obeyed.

9. After this, he spent no more time in the courts of law, trying to hinder Bosis.

10. Meanwhile, the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, was being plagued by Farogs and Widdy Spiders from the party of Brexodus.

11. Her uncle, the Pharaoh Juncker, had also seen them, but believed them to be a dream caused by looking too much on the wine when it was red. Although in truth, merely looking was not his real problem.

12. But Ursula of Lebanon knew that the Farog and Widdy Spider were real, and agreed finally to let the people depart.

A plague of Farogs and Widdy Spiders.

13. Thus all was ready for the people to depart on the last day of the month. But those who wished to remain tried once more to stop them.

14. For they cried in a loud voice "The Leavites are Gammons! Racists! Stupid people! We shall die in the wilderness when we can no longer feast on the leg of the frog and the very agreeable kraut that is sour."

15. And Bosis commanded the bells of Benjamin the Big to ring out in triumph on the day of departure. But it was not so, as they were being mended.

16. Nevertheless, at the eleventh hour of the last day of the first month, the children of Bri-tain marched to the banks of the Red Sea.

17. Then Bosis called for his staff (Dominic the Coming) and used it to part the waters of the Red Sea. And the children of Bri-tain crossed the sea on dry ground.

Bosis, horribly aged by the stresses of the last few months.

Continued in the Book of Covidicus.

Brexodus 20 - Bosis smiteth the Corbynites

Continued from Chapter 19.

1. Thus in the seventh month Bosis became the leader of the Conservatites, and was charged with leading the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

2. And he appointed wise counsellors: Sajidiah the chancellor, Dominic the Raabi as secretary for foreigners, and Priti of Patmos as secretary for homes.

3. And Bosis spake unto the Pharaoh Juncker, saying, "The deal of Maysis is not welcome unto us, and if we must, we shall leave without any deal at all. But in any case, we shall leave on the last day of the tenth month."

4. And straightaway there came the season of holy days, and the members of the House of common people went to the Red Seaside with their buckets and spades, and thought how they might cross it.

The Red Sea.

5. But now many men began to desert the troops of Bosis. These included Ken-neth the clerk, Philip of Ham-mon, Nicho-las the Soamanite, and Amber the ruddy one. These were known as "big beasts", especially Nicho-las.

6. And Bosis said "Hitherto I have chastised ye with whips, but now I shall chastise ye with scorpions." But he had no scorpions, and the big beasts reamined unchastised, without the whip.

7. Moreover, John of Ber-cow, he that was called the speaker, whose every word was "Order! Order!" vowed to stop the Brexodus by fair means or foul. For this is called "impartiality".

8. So Bosis said, "May this for a lark be stuffed, and let us send the members of the House of common people back to the Red Seaside, to a place called Pro-rog, that they thwart me not."

9. But at that time the children of Bri-tain were really being ruled by Judges. Thus, in the courts of the supreme, it was decided that the House of common people must leave Pro-rog, and return to work.

10. And all the people rejoiced, for is not the word of an unelected judge to be preferred above the word of an elected leader?

The judges dress up as tigers in order to frighten Bosis.

11. Now Bosis returned from the Pharaoh with a new deal, and he vowed once again to leave at the end of the tenth month.

12. But, owing to a series of events which are too complex for this book, especially if it is to be read out at Mass when people are thinking of something else, he was unable to leave.

13. For Oliver the Lost One, aided by Ber-cow the speaker, forced Bosis to write to the Pharaoh Juncker and Donald Ivereigh-Tusk, saying "We wish to remain in the land of EUgypt for a bit longer, as we are having such a great time."

14. And Bosis sent the letter, but refused to sign it. Indeed, he sent a second letter, saying, "Please ignore the first letter for I was being tortured when I wrote it."

15. However, the Pharaoh guessed that the first letter was from Bosis, and granted him a few more months of servitude.

Bosis maketh things perfectly clear.

16. In the end the House of common people, having debated for three years on the question of Brexodus, agreed to dissolve itself, and allow the children of Bri-tain to elect new leaders.

17. And Ber-cow vowed to speak no more. Although he was later heard speaking on the visions of Tele.

18. Thus there were four main tribes involved in the election: the Conservatites of Bosis, the Corbynites of Jeremiah (he who hated the children of Israel), the Liberated Democratites of Josephine, and the Scottites of the north, who worshipped a giant sturgeon.

19. So for forty days and forty nights the four tribes put forth their empty promises ("a camel in every home", "handmaidens to satisy your every wish", "a land flowing with milk and honey") to the children of Bri-tain. And the children of Bri-tain threw their words into the burning fiery furnace.

Bosis meeteth his adversaries, including the Count of Binface, at the bridge of Ux.

20. So finally, in the middle of the twelfth month, the people showed their wishes by writing a mighty "X" on the papers of ballot.

21. And, when the votes were counted, it was seen that Bosis had vanquished the Corbynites. Also, Josephine the Democratite was cast into the outer darkness, as were many other famous men, including Chukhas Ur-money and some of the big beasts.

22. Thus Bosis was granted five more years in which to leave the land of EUgypt. If he could.

Continued in Chapter 21.

Brexodus 19 - the return of Bosis

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. So Maysis had vowed that she would no longer lead the children of Bri-tain round in circles, looking for an exit from the land of EUgypt. Thus it became necessary to choose another leader.

Maysis raiseth her eyes to Heaven.

2. And ten brave men came forth and said "Let me rule over you."

3. These included names that were well known to the Conservatites, such as Bosis, Jeremiah the Hunter, Michael the Governor, and Sajidiah the secretary of homes; and, noisiest of all, Rorate the mighty walker.

4. This Rorate was wont to walk in the green fields, hoping that he might find people on whom he could drop down his thoughts.

Two pictures of Rorate.

5. But then the candidates disappeared one by one, as in the fabled book of Anima Christi, known as "Ten little Tories", which was known throughout the land of Bri-tain.

6. So finally there remained only Bosis and Jeremiah, and they were to be considered by the whole tribe of Conservatites.

7. Meanwhile, the Pharaoh of EUgypt, known as Juncker, wished to retire in order to spend his declining years with his wine cellar.

8. Thus there stepped forth a new female Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, and she was chosen by means of a mystic process known as democracy. That is, a mighty voice spake out saying: "We proclaim Ursula the Queen of EUgypt. Like it or lump it."

9. And the high council of EUgypt made their decision: three hundred and eighty-three people voted to like the new queen, and three hundred and twenty-seven voted to lump her. And so she was elected.

Pharaoh Juncker offereth the new Queen the Sign of Peace.

10. At last, finally, the tribe of Conservatites decided who should lead them out of the land of EUgypt on the last day of October.

11. And the choice was Bosis.

Bosis descendeth from Heaven. Except that he getteth stuck.

12. Then the people expressed their delight by cheering, hissing, wailing, gnashing their teeth, and uttering angry tweets.

13. And Bosis spake out saying, "Crumbs! I say, chaps! What a lark, eh?" which, being translated means "I shall endeavour to serve you to the best of my humble abilities."

Contnued in Chapter 20.

Brexodus 17 - Maysis loseth another vote - or doth she?

Continued from Chapter 16

1. After her splendid defeat in the first month of the year, where those who said "Nay" outnumbered those who said "Yeah" by two hundred and thirty, Maysis returned to the courts of Pharaoh Juncker to talk again.

2. But there was little on the table, apart from several bottles of the finest wine.

3. However, after many nights' drinking together, Maysis and the Pharaoh came up with a new deal.

4. "It is not right that the children of Bri-tain should each donate half a kilogram of flesh to EUgypt," said Maysis, "and I have persuaded the Pharaoh to change that to one pound of flesh."

"Nor cut thou less nor more, But just a pound of flesh."

5. "Likewise, some of the other clauses in the deal were too strong, and I have persuaded the Pharaoh to change some full stops to colons, some colons to semi-colons, and some semi-colons to commas."

6. "However, the backstop remaineth a backstop, and not a back-colon."

7. So Maysis returned to the House of Common People and took another vote. And this time she was defeated by one hundred and forty-nine.

8. And Maysis rejoiced, saying, "Lo, I need only take three more votes on this matter, and the nay-sayers will have vanished like unto a thief in the night."

9. But Ber-cow, he who was the Squeaker in the House of Common People, said, "Nay, thou must try something else. For it would be a strange breach of precedent to vote again. In the House of Common People, only I am allowed strange breeches."

Ber-cow showeth his strange breeches.

10. And Maysis said, "We have booked a passage across the Red Sea for the twenty-ninth day of the third month. Seventy times seven times have I have said that we shall leave on that date. And so we shall. Or perhaps on another date."

11. And there was a great shout from the people, "We want the end of May!" For Maysis had lost the people's favour.

12. So Maysis returned once more to the courts of Juncker, to be told, "We want the end of May, too. But we may insist on April."

13. Thus the House of Common People prepared itself for yet more votes on how to proceed: they asked for a People's Vote, a Traitors' Vote, a Crooks' vote, a Maniacs' vote, a Liars' vote, a Lunatics' vote, and yet many more, so that all members of the House of Common People would be included.

14. And there arose a mighty petition, which attracted millions to sign it, including famous celebrities such as Brian Cox the actor, Jennifer Saunders the scientist, and Anthony Grayling the comedian.

15. And so popular was it that people from distant North Ko-rea and Af-ghani-stan rushed to sign it.

16. And finally there came a wave of bots to sign the petition, along with the puppets of Sock. Until finally the signatures outnumbered the people of Bri-tain one hundredfold.

Yet more signatures for the petition.

17. And all waited to see whether the House of Common People could agree on anything at all.

Continued in Chapter 18

Brexodus 16 - the 650 ways of leaving EUgypt

Continued from Chapter 15.

1. After her triumph against the hosts of Jacob Gogg-Magogg in the month of December, Maysis said privily to herself, "Thou hast done well in thy battle against the Conservatites, but now cometh a greater challenge."

2. Thus when the new year came, she went to the House of Common People, saying, "Behold a wondrous deal that hath been negotiated by the Pharaoh Juncker after tough discussions with his ministers, Don-ald Ivereigh-Tusk and Michael Bar-nier."

3. "And when they showed me the fruit of their negotiations, I signed at once, for they said there was no need to read it."

Maysis in EUgypt planneth a Backstab.

4. Thus the House of Common People voted on the deal proposed by the EUgyptians, as follows:

5. "Behold, we have a deal. Will those who think it is slightly silly, shout 'AYE!', and will those who think it is very silly, shout 'NO!'?"

6. And Lo! Maysis lost her vote, for the number of NO voters exceeded the number of AYE voters by eleven score and ten.

7. So Maysis spake out, saying "Shall we try this again with a House of Common People's vote?"

8. But the Corbynites were displeased, saying, "We have no confidence in thee, O Maysis." Thus there was indeed another vote, but this time Maysis escaped her doom.

Ber-cow the Speaker is given a tie of many colours as a sign of favour.

9. And there were many other votes in the House of Common People, after which it was agreed that there were six hundred and fifty different ways in which the children of Bri-tain might leave EUgypt, but each one was supported by precisely one person.

10. Meanwhile, the EUgyptians said "Let us launch a charm offensive against the people of Bri-tain."

11. So the great prophet Don-ald Ivereigh-Tusk spake out, to warn the people of a special place in Hell for those who wished to leave EUgypt without a deal. For he said unto them, "There shall be a wailing and gnashing of tusks."

12. Then Don-ald was joined in the charm offensive by another prophet, Guy Ver-Jehoshaphat, who said, "I doubt if Lucifer would welcome them, for they would divide Hell."

13. And this was the dawn of a new way of speaking, which is nowadays called diplomacy.

Don-ald and Guy discuss the special places of Hell.

14. However, the story endeth not there. For, as the people of Bri-tain tried to decide whether to leave without a deal, to leave with a bad deal, to remain in EUgypt, to vote again, or indeed to delay the 50th article, there arose a new leader, named Chukhas Ur-money.

15. Now Chukhas was joined by six other Labourites, who spake out to Cor-byn, saying "We wish to remain, so we are going to leave. Also, we do not wish to be confused with the Independence Party, so we shall call ourselves the Independent Party."

16. And soon many others flocked to Chukhas, from the Corbynites and also from the Conservatites.

17. Therefore, those who thought they knew what was going on, now discovered that they did not. And this included Maysis.

A mighty army ariseth.

Continued in Chapter 17.

Brexodus 15: Maysis winneth a vote

Continued from Chapter 14.

1. So Jacob Gogg-Magogg sought eight and forty men who would write letters against Maysis, the leader of the Con-serva-tites.

2. However, at first eight and forty men such men did not come forward, and Maysis returned to the courts of Juncker to arrange the terms under which the children of Bri-tain were to leave EU-gypt.

Jacob Gogg-Magogg prepareth to go into the wilderness.

3. However, there had arisen a grievous problem known as the Backstab, or, the Irish Question version 94, wherein the trade in milk and honey with the Irishites was to be governed.

4. And Maysis and Bar-nier (he who spake for Juncker when the Pharaoh had drunk too much of the wine that is called Sci-atica) differed over the conditions under which the Backstab might be used.

5. And being a skilled and experienced negotiator, Maysis agreed to everything that Bar-nier wished.

6. So it was clear that the Con-serva-tites had no chance of persuading the children of Bri-tain to accept the Backstab, especially as the Dup-ites of Arlene swore to fight against it.

7. And Jacob Gogg-Magogg cried out once more "Are there not eight and forty men who will write letters asking for Maysis to go?"

8. And this time there came many letters, although how many, and from whom, no man may know except the chairman of the mighty council that is called 1922.

Jacob delivereth many letters.

9. Thus the Con-serva-tites held a vote, under which there were two alternatives: that Maysis should remain, or that Maysis should leave.

10. And this time those that said "Remain" won the vote. So Maysis continued to lead the Con-serva-tites.

11. And Jacob Gogg-Magogg said privily, "Perhaps we should hold this vote again, for it is only by a People's Vote that Maysis may be deposed. For perchance many of the people who voted for her were not people."

12. It would be a grievous insult for any man to name names here, but many doubts had been expressed about Haman the money-changer, and Amber the worker and pensioner.

13. So Maysis returned to the courts of Juncker yet again, and spake also with the great leaders such as Mac-ron the yellow-shirted and Mer-kel of the Germanites.

"If thou rufflest my hair, I shall smite thee, O Pharaoh."

14. But their nay was nay, and no new agreement was reached.

15. Worse than this, the Pharaoh Juncker put down his bottle of Sci-atica and insulted Maysis, likening her unto Nebuchadnezzar; although he only managed to utter "Nebulous".

The world becometh Nebulous for Juncker.

16. And Maysis was wrathful with Juncker, and it seemed an agreement was further away than ever.

Continued in Chapter 16.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 12

Continued from Part 11.

1. Six months had passed since May-sis sent her team of wise negotiators (Bo-sis, King David Davis, and some others whose names are justly forgotten) to dine with the Pharaoh Juncker.

2. Yet, after endless eating and drinking at the well-appointed table of Juncker, no agreement had been reached.

King David Davis pretends to know what is going on.

3. For, although the date was set on which the children of Bri-tain were to leave the land of EU-gypt, and many were waiting to cross the Red Sea, there were still questions to answer.

4. Should the children of Bri-tain remain in the Single Market, and thus return to EU-gypt every Saturday to buy and sell their produce?

5. For they could sell their rare foods such as tripe and onions, and buy frogs' legs and sauerkraut.

6. Or should they partake in the Customs Union, meaning that their traditional customs such as Morris Dancing and cricket might be combined with the customs of EU-gypt, such as the Can-can and bullfighting?

"Right, lads, the EU-gypt directive says we should do the Can-can next."

7. Then there was talk of hard borders and backstop plans, which nobody really understood, so that the people of Bri-tain said, "We never knew that it was so hard to flee the land of EU-gypt."

8. And many noble lords, who had been appointed to power by the ancient warlord Blair, voted to remain where they were, feasting on milk and honey.

9. Indeed, they said that the people should vote again, and keep on voting until they got the right answer.

10. Now even the High Priest Wel-by, custodian of the ancient religion of Eng-land, guardian of a box containing 39 wondrous articles, spake out, saying that EU-gypt was the best thing since sliced manna.

11. Finally, even King David Davis was so vexed that he threatened to resign his throne, although he could not give a precise date for leaving it.

12. And the people murmured saying, "This May-sis could not organize a wedding in a Cana brewery without running out of wine. Let us have Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

"May-sis hath not provided enough wine. Can you do something?"

13. "Or let us call an election and see if the Corbynites can do any better. The Abbot of Diane can organize our finances, and John, also known as Mc-Don-El, can form a lasting alliance with the Hamasites and Hezbollites."

14. Which at least showed that the people had not lost their sense of humour.

Continued in Chapter 13.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 11

Continued from Chapter 10

1. So it came to pass that, as the children of Bri-tain had agreed, more or less, May-sis began to speak with the Pharaoh Junck-er at a place called the Table of Negotiation.

The Table of Negotiation.

2. And Junck-er spake unto May-sis saying, "Ye must give us riches beyond the dreams of avarice before we allow ye to flee the land of EU-gypt."

3. "Yeah, ye must send us cargoes of ivory, and apes, and peacocks, sandalwood, cedarwood, and sweet white wine (especially this), and diamonds, emeralds, amethysts, topazes, cinnamon, and gold moidores. Oh, and platinum statues of Neil Kinnock and Peter Mandelson, lest we forget them."

4. And May-sis, who had also read a certain poem, said "Nay, the most we can offer thee is Tyne coal, road-rail, pig-lead, firewood, iron-ware, and cheap tin trays. Oh, and a cardboard cutout of King David Davis that is indistinguishable from the real thing."

5. Thus it was clear that the stay of May-sis at the Table of Negotiation might be a long one.

The Brexodus bill.

6. So some urged May-sis to walk away from the Table and head for the Red Sea, that the children of Bri-tain might take their chances elsewhere, amongst the Americanites, the Canadiantes, the Australianites, and even the North Koreanites of the land that is called La-la.

7. And others said, "May-sis is not the one to lead us out of EU-gypt, so let us have another leader. Maybe Bo-sis or King David Davis, or perhaps Jacob, he that is called Mogg."

8. And the Dup-ites came to the great Table, speaking of hard borders. And they asked whether, if May-sis parted the Red Sea, it would become a hard border.

9. And others asked whether any EU-gyptians among the people of Bri-tain would be allowed to stay, saying, "If they go, then the children of Bri-tain will starve. For how will they survive without people who can feed them on pizzas, and moussaka, and sauerkraut, and muesli, and the leg of the frog?"

Alas, the croaking of the frog may be heard no more in the land of Bri-tain.

10. "The children of Bri-tain will wander into the wilderness feeding only on what the Lord provideth; namely, fish and chips, the toad that dwelleth in the hole, and the pie that is made of shepherds."

11. Thus May-sis and the Pharaoh Junck-er drank together at the Table for many months, until finally agreement was reached.

12. Possibly.

Continued in Part 12.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 10

Continued from Chapter 9

1. So Maysis took the advice of the prophets Comres, Mori and Yougov, and called an election, that she might defeat Jeremiah of the Corbynites and finally lead the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

Maysis seeketh advice from the Lord of Bucket-head.

2. For her counsellors had spoken unto her, saying, "Thou art a ghastly old trout, but surely Jeremiah is even worse?"

3. "For he hath friends among such as Gerald of the Adamites, who slay the widow and the orphan; not to mention many other Terrorites."

4. "Go forth and win. Thou canst not do worse than Cam-aaron, he who is now gone to a better place. Or at least, one that pays better."

Jeremiah goeth out to meet the Maronites.

5. So Maysis wrote an epistle, that is called Manifesto, in which she promised to be Strong and Stable.

6. Although she later changed her mind, especially when she sought to raise taxes upon the old and demented,

7. And Jeremiah wrote his own epistle, in which he promised wondrous gifts to the Many and not the Few.

8. At which the Few were exceeding wrathful, as they would have to pay for them, if anyone ever did.

9. Moreover, Jeremiah was aided by an abbot called Diane, known for her skill with numbers, who explained that she would appoint seventy-six million policemen to protect the children of Bri-tain.

10. That is, everyone in Bri-tain would henceforth be a policeman, and Diane would import a few million more from the land of I-sis to make up the numbers.

And the people of Bri-tain spake, saying, "Ave, ave, ave, what is all this, then?"

11. We need not speak long of other famous men, such as Farron of the Libdemites, he who abandoned his faith on learning that that following the Lord's commandments was a vote-loser.

12. Nor on the fate of the Ukipites, who had spoken for many years saying "We must leave EU-gypt."

13. For the reply came, "Yes, the 50th article is already triggered, and now all we need to know is, who shall go forth to drink the Pharaoh Juncker under the table?"

There cometh the only man who can drink more than Juncker.

14. At last the big day came, and the children of Bri-tain voted, saying "Alas, we hate the lot of you."

15. So Maysis, she who was hated slightly less than Jeremiah, remained as the leader.

16. But she spake sweet words unto the Dupites of Ire-land, saying, "Cleave unto me, for surely ye must hate Jeremiah and his Terrorite friends." And it was so.

17. And all the Corbynites spake out with one voice. saying, "But the Dupites hate Catholics!" And the reply came back, "Well, so do you!"

A Dupite banner (on loan from Cardinal Burke).

18. And the Corbynites spake out again, saying, "Yet the Dupites love not the marriage that is gay!" And the reply came back, "Neither do thy friends the Muslimites!"

19. At this the Corbynites despaired, saying, "The people have spoken, but they have not yet demonstrated in the streets, so the result is invalid."

20. And still the clock ticked on, towards the day when May-sis must send people forth to drink with Juncker.

Continued in Chapter 11.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 9

Continued from Chapter 8

1. Many months ago, O Theophilus, I told of the bloody fighting between the children of Bri-tain as some of them strove to flee from the land of EU-gypt.

2. But let us now tell of the wondrous deeds that followed.

Cam-aaron and May-sis (renamed).

3. After many debates and votes, in which the wisest people in the land the members of parliament took part, it was decided that May-sis should trigger the 50th article, in order to cast down the Tusks and Junckers from their mighty seats.

4. And there was a great grayling and gnashing of tusks from the deepest thinkers of the land, they that sat in the New College of the Inanities.

5. "Alas, the people have voted the wrong way," said the deep thinkers. "We must have another election, in which the voices of the Leavites are silent!"

Try and be philosophical, Anthony!

6. Still, the Day of the Trigger came, and May-sis and her advisers began to speak with the Pharaoh Juncker. For they knew that within forty years they must reach an agreement on the movement of camels carrying spices, gold, and precious stones.

7. But the people cried out, saying, "We want an election, for thou hast done away with Cam-aaron the High Priest, and we did not choose thee!"

8. But May-sis said, "No."

9. And again the people cried out, saying "Thou art a chicken!"

10. And May-sis clucked, "No."

11. And again the people cried out, saying, "Give unto us an election, that we may see a dazzling array of talent presented to us on the screen that is called Idiot-Box. Yeah, the Ukipites led by whoever-it-is-this-week, the Corbynites, the Libdemites of Farron, the Nationalites who worship a sturgeon, the magical Greenites who leave no footprints of carbon, and best of all the Monster Raving Loonites.

A threat to May-sis.

12. And finally May-sis said "Oh, all right, the people may have their election."

13. And the people cried with one voice, "How cynical is May-sis, that she exploiteth the weakness of the Corbynites in such a manner. She seeketh a majority, and this is not seemly conduct for a prime minister."

14. However it was written in the ancient laws of Cam-aaron that May-sis could not call an election, unless the Corbynites voted to cut their own throats. Which they did.

15. At least, those are the words of the prophets, Comres, Mori, and Yougov. In my next chapter, O Theophilus, I shall reveal whether these prophecies came to pass.

To be continued.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 6

Continued from Chapter 5.

1. So the children of Britain came finally to vote on whether they should remain in the land of EUgypt.

2. And half of them said "stay", and half said "go", but slightly more said "go". So it was decided that the people should leave the courts of Juncker.

3. And Cam-aaron was exceedingly grieved, and said "Alas, I cannot take you into the wilderness: I shall resign my position as High Priest, and eke out a humble existence advising the rich and powerful, eating massive dinners, and giving speeches to those who can afford me."

4. For this had earlier been done by the great warlord Blair, he who had conquered the lands of Mesopotamia, at least briefly.

Cam-aaron and his handmaiden prepare for a life of riches.

5. However, many of those who had voted to remain in the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh lamented in deep distress: indeed they wept for several days, refusing to be comforted.

6. Some spake out with a voice of wrath, saying "We must vote again, as the common people have given us the wrong answer." And others, more gentle, suggested, "Er, best of three?"

7. Said one man: "It is mostly the fault of the aged men, who voted to leave. For, as it is written, God giveth wisdom to the young man, and folly to the old."

8. Said another: "Indeed, my son is sore distressed that he could not vote. He is only two but he hath a mighty grasp of the issues."

Disenfranchised.

9. Next, a great petition was born, with ten thousand times ten thousand signatures, mostly in the names of the puppets that are called Sock.

10. And others, who had earlier voted to leave, spake out, saying "I knew not that I was voting to leave. For I thought that I had entered my name into a prize draw, that I might win a camel or at least a box of dates."

11. Then another man, whose name was Lammy, which is to say, "Stupid", cried out with a loud voice, saying "Let us ignore the vote completely. For the voters are not blessed with wisdom such as I possess."

On another day, Lammy commenteth on the election of a High Priest.

12. Thus no man could tell whether the will of the people would prevail, and whether Bosis would indeed be able to lead his people towards the promised land.

Continued in Chapter 7.

Justin Welby and Vincent Nichols resign

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, and Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, offered their shock resignations today, following the referendum in which the people of the UK voted to leave the EU.

Unskilled workers: no reasonable offer of employment refused.

Welby and Nichols had campaigned vigorously for "Remain", convinced that the EU was God's own system of government, and that Jean-Claude Juncker was a truly holy man, beloved of the Lord. Discovering, however, that they had called it wrong and that God probably regards Juncker as a bit of a prat, the two Archbishops have realised that their positions as pastoral leaders are untenable.

Spot the difference. (Justin and Vincent didn't!)

Meanwhile, you may judge your own attitude to the European Union, by deciding which of these hymns best reflects your reaction to the result of the referendum.

1. O God our help in ages past.
2. Now thank we all our God.
3. God moves in a mysterious way.

God moves in a mysterious way.