How to get rid of a turbulent priest

Probably several of my readers will one day become pope (Hi, Blase! Hi, Arthur! Hi, Tina!) and will need me to advise them on how to behave. Today's topic is the vexed one of getting rid of a priest you don't like. These days, popes don't often poison priests - in fact Francis has been a model non-poisoner - and the most common solution is simple laicisation. But of course we don't laicise everyone who offends.

For example, Cardinal Cocaine, who wears a lampshade on his head and knows all about "gay" orgies can't really be said to be a problem!

Not a problem.

Likewise, Father Jimbo SJ, who can't take a cup of tea without relating it to LGBT issues, and whose Biblical teaching is best described as "imaginative", is to be welcomed into the Vatican and asked for his advice! Then there's Archbishop Paggles, who stars in homoerotic murals, doesn't really understand what a Pontifical Academy for Not Bumping People off is supposed to do, and seems to be in all sorts of other troubles. He's safe. Even Fr Rumpy, who won a prize for the worst ecclesial art ever seen, who has trouble keeping his vestments on, and who solves his problems by absolving the people he has sinned with, only gets a brief slap on the wrist from the CDF.

Rumpy's masterpiece - a drunken man surrounded by custard pies.

But what's the point of being pope if you can't sack a few people? Aha! I have it! There's this Pavanne chap of "Priests Against Murder", who is admittedly rather eccentric in his methods. Worst of all he is very very very pro-life! Emma Bonehead isn't at all happy! Mariana Mozzarella has complained!

Sack him! But do it in a Jesuit way - i.e., don't say exactly why you're sacking him. Mutter something about blasphemous communications (Uncle Wilt has explained to you that backing Donald Trump is a hideous blasphemy) and accuse him of disobeying his bishop (a catch-all, as sometimes you have to choose between God and your bishop).

Public Enemy Number One.

You are, of course, a merciful pope (as well as a humble one), so you won't be sending the Swiss Guard round to do a Thomas Becket on him. Well, not this week. Thank Heavens that the art of removing turbulent priests has evolved since the days of Henry II, and you can simply cast him into outer darkness!

Same-sex couple raises Jesuit chick

Barry and Joe, a male couple from the species Presidens Tyrannicus in Washington Zoo, are currently raising a Jesuit chick, which the keepers have called "Tommy".

The happy family.

According to current reports, the couple are doing a "great job" in raising Tommy. Since one of them is a Catholic, they have decided to raise the chick as a Catholic too, which in practice means accepting Joe's moral teaching on abortion, LGBT issues, etc. For a baby Jesuit this is not expected to be a problem.

When Tommy grows up, it is hoped to place him in a Jesuit colony, where he can meet creatures of his own kind such as Martinus Hereticus.

We attempted to interview Joe about his adopted chick, but all we got was some muttering about a "stupid son of a bitch", so we abandoned the attempt. We hope to speak later to his keeper, Jen Psakopath.

To be honest, we don't understand this press release.

In other news, Doris "praying" Mantis is reported to have eaten her husband Sid after a night of passion. Catholic Bishops take note!

Jesubots recalled for reconfiguration

Following Fr Thomas Reese SJ's description of Earth as one of God's failed experiments we can reveal that he is nearer to the truth than he realises.

In fact he himself is one of a generation of Jesubot androids created not by God but by Vatican II Enterprises in the nineteen-sixties. These were intended as an experiment in Artificial Intelligence, designed to replace the Jesuits, which at that time was an order of holy men in the Catholic Church. However, over the years, the Jesubots have developed numerous faults, and they are now being recalled for repairs, reconfiguration, and in some cases - the LGBT Jimbot - scrapping altogether.

Mighty despots have traditionally employed fools: the Reesebot acts as an artificial substitute.

The most powerful of the Jesubots is the Bergoglidroid, about which many complaints have been registered with the makers. It has been accused of uttering heresy on many occasions - this is a software error that can probably be fixed - and has also taken to systematic persecution of groups of Catholics, along with its (non-Jesubot) sidekick ArthurD2.

ArthurD2 - the malfunctioning droid from Roche Enterprises.

Other faulty Jesbots include the Sosa, which accepts no teaching that is not recorded electronically in its database, and of course the Reesebot itself, with its confused "don't take children to the TLM" burblings, amongst many other gliches.

Waiting to be sent back for recycling.

Other robot manufacturers have realised that they too must fix some of the bugs in their products. For example, it has been a bad week for the Cupidroid (a rejected design from Cardinal Enterprises), which had been programmed to give a message on January 6th about wise men going to the stable to see the baby Jesus. Owing to a short circuit this turned into a condemnation of a bunch of nutters going to the White House to see Joe Biden. This somehow inspired feelings of horror in the Cupidroid's tiny mind (comparable to 9/11, Pearl Harbor, etc.)

A re-enactment of the Normandy landings.

Readers will no doubt have seen faults in other droids by the same manufacturers - although few will be completely broken up for spare parts as was the "Uncle Ted" McCarridroid, a close associate of the Cupidroid. Still, it is good to know that something is finally being done.

Beatitudes for popes

Since Pope Francis has kindly produced eight modern non-rigid Vatican-II compatible platitudes beatitudes for bishops (yes, really), we felt it would be helpful to produce a similar set for the use of popes. It may be regarded as the latest in our "How to be a good pope" series.

1. Blessed is the pope who makes poverty and sharing his lifestyle: this could include spending his humble wealth on financing lewd films, or perhaps speculating in the property market. For with his witness he is building the kingdom of Heaven, or at least some very nice apartment blocks.

For sale. One infallible owner. Cash only.

2. Blessed is the pope who does not fear to water his face with tears, or if he cannot manage this, at least does not fear to scowl a lot. His face will mirror the sorrows of the people, which may mysteriously seem much worse these days.

3. Blessed is the pope who considers his ministry a service and not a power, who serves his flock by stamping out old-fashioned forms of Catholic worship. He will inhabit the land promised to the meek (having first kicked out the meek).

4. Blessed is the pope who does not close himself in the palaces of government, who welcomes visitors with Dubia to ask, or those with severe reservations about the state of the Church in distant oriental countries. For he will become a Zen master. [Is this what you meant to say? A. Spadaro.]

Welcoming the pilgrim.

5. Blessed is the pope who has a heart for the misery of the world, who is not scandalized by the sin and fragility of those such as Uncle Ted who helped him get the job. For he too may need some powerful friends one day.

6. Blessed is the pope who wards off duplicity of heart, who avoids every ambiguous dynamic. Although for a Jesuit this may be impossible, so let's leave this one until later.

7. Blessed is the pope who works for peace, who accompanies the paths of reconciliation, who welcomes new religions, especially pagan ones. For Mother Earth will bless him as her son.

"Pachamama will be along later."

8. Blessed is the pope who for the sake of modernism does not fear to go against the tide, inventing new doctrines. For he knows that the Catholic Church must take a U-turn and go in a new direction every few years.

From the Sermon in the Plane.

Priest discovered in compromising locations

The good kind people of The Pillar have reported on misconduct by Mgr Jeffrey Burrill, former general secretary of the U.S. bishops' conference, which was identified by Grindr data correlated to his mobile phone showing that he had visited various unsavoury places (and I am not referring to Cardinal Coccopalmerio's parties).

Our own hackers have constructed some data tracking the movements of a certain Jesuit priest. This has been forwarded to Pope Francis, who will take action some day, no doubt. Meanwhile, here is what we produced.

Map of Fr Anon's movements (click to enlarge).

Jesuits and Latinophobia

Warning: this blog contains scenes of explicit Latin, and should not be made available to children and young people.

It's been a bad week for Jesuits. First, Pope Francis SJ managed to introduce a version of the Our Father which contained deliberate translation errors. In the words of his Latin teacher, back in 1940s Argentina:

Bergoglio Minor! Et - and. Ne - with the subjunctive, a negative imperative. Nos - we, us. Inducas - subjunctive of induco, lead in, bring in. In - when it takes the accusative, into. Tentationem - accusative, temptation. What does that give us?

"Do not abandon us to temptation", Sir?

No, boy! Bend over! THWACK! It means "do not lead us into temptation". THWACK!

Ouch! Yarooh! Chiz.

The Pope's personal copy of the Shorter Latin Primer.

But enough of 1940s Argentina. The scene shifts to 2020s USA, where Fr Tommy Reese SJ is trying to take over the mantle of the late lamented Hans Küng, having already scored some Küng points for getting into trouble over his views on abortion, homosexuality, birth control (for), Jesuit control (against), etc. Let's see what he has to say about the traditional Latin Mass.

It is time to return to bishops the authority over the Tridentine liturgy in their dioceses. The church needs to be clear that it wants the unreformed liturgy to disappear and will only allow it out of pastoral kindness to older people who do not understand the need for change. Children and young people should not be allowed to attend such Masses.

You can tell a man by the company he keeps.

At first sight, we thought this was from a rival Catholic blog, maybe Tommy is Saved, similar to the well-known satirical blogs The Horan of Babylon Bee and Joe Biden's State of the Onion. So we telephoned Tommy to check.

Ansaphone: Hello, you have reached the desk of Father Thomas Reese LGBTSJ: you can call me Tommy. I am away on an Ignatian Yoga Camping Trip but you can leave a message. Please press 1 if you want me to explain why pro-life views are bunk, 2 if you want to hear me talk about gay orgies, 3 if you would like to hear some new Catholic doctrine, 4 if you want to speak to me on my retreat at Fishwrap Park.

I pressed 4 and the great man answered!

Eccles: Hello, Father. Pax tecum!

Someone spoke Latin to a Jesuit!

I heard sounds of hysterics and the sound of Fr Tommy collapsing on the ground. Other voices could be heard:

"He said 'pax tecum' to Fr Tommy!" 
"Eeek!" 
"You've done it as well!" 
"Mea culpa!" 
"Aaaaaggggh!"
"Hey, stop speaking Latin, there are young people present! 
We don't want it as a lingua franca!"
"Help! Mommy!"
"Now you're doing it! You'll be a persona non grata!"
"Urrrrgggghhh...!"
"Tommy's gone into a coma. Give him the kiss of life, someone! 
Look, don't all rush at once! Ten minutes each."

At that point we lost the phone connection. So, I never did complete my liturgical discussions with Fr Tommy.

The sex life of the Jesuit

We are grateful to Fr James Martin for drawing our attention to a survey which claims that "...same-sex behaviour is bound up in the nature of animal sex. It hasn't had to continually re-evolve: It's always been there."

Fr Jim is of course mentioning this as part of his campaign to get LGBT stuff accepted as normal, natural, not sinful, just as good as heterosexual behaviour, perhaps even better, how dare you boycott our Pride marches, let's make sure children learn about it from an early age, ...you bigots!

So we decided the time had come to write about the sex life of the Jesuit, a creature which evolved comparatively recently from the ape kingdom (1534 or thereabouts), and was known initially for its spiritual exercises, which later evolved into Ignatian yoga.

Two Jesuits engaging in Ignatian yoga.

Jesuits are a male-only species, so it is not clear how they manage to breed (possibly, they are born as mutations from other humanoid species). They often live in single-sex communes, and - if we are to believe Fr Jim - they enjoy a perfectly natural sex life.

The dominant male of the pack (sometimes called a pope, superior general, or perhaps bishop) is usually an old man, and he does not normally engage in any activity beyond the uttering of incomprehensible grunts and the worship of strange objects. The younger Jesuits swear an oath of obedience to him, after which they are free to engage in single-sex activities. The more active Jesuits are often engaged in struggles for dominance, and it is said that they bend the youngest members, the seminarians, to their will. Sometimes they carry them off to their lairs (for example, beach houses) in order to practice "discernment" with them.

Natural Historian David Attenborough does the "sign of peace" with a Jesuit.

Jesuits are attracted by bright colours, for example rainbow-themed clothes, but are commonly seen dressed in black. Sometimes they can even be mistaken for human beings, at least until they start talking.

Since this is a family blog, we shall not go into the sordid details of their rituals (no doubt there is a David Attenborough television programme about them), but if we mention the words "accompaniment", "discernment", "spiritual exercise" and "missionary", I think most readers will know what I mean.

Are the Jesuits purely symbolic?

Following a load of heretical claptrap this week from someone with the implausible title of Jesuit Superior General, this blog is concerned with the burning question of the week: do the Jesuits really exist or are they merely symbols of evil?

I am the very model of a modern Jessie General:
I teach the ancient heresies and make sure they're perennial.

It is hard to believe in the reality of any Catholic priest expressing the view that the Devil doesn't exist (the Anglicans have seen similar opinions from the official Comedy Vicar, Giles Fraser of the BBC and Guardian, but he has long been recognised as a mythical figure). Likewise, this General Sosa character was also supposed to have said that one could not rely on the Bible for Jesus's words, as He didn't have a tape-recorder handy. Comedy gold, but not exactly spiritual nourishment.

Theologians attempt to analyse the recorded words of Arturo Sosa.

It is true that there was once a real Jesuit society, founded by St Ignatius of Loyola, which had many very virtuous and holy members. However, it is believed to have died out some time in the 20th century. So, just as "Druid" has become a term referring to a weirdo who likes to cavort around Stonehenge at the Solstice wearing silly clothes, "Goth" is someone who wears black clothes and wouldn't know how to build a cathedral if his life depended on it, and a modern "Vandal" owes little allegiance to Wisimar or Godogisel, you can be sure that anybody with "SJ" after his name is only in it for the laughs.

So what do Jesuits symbolize? Can it be the seven deadly sins?

Fr James Martin SJ - plays Lust in the Jesuit pantomime.

The "official" seven deadly sins are (in order of popularity) lust, gluttony, sloth, greed, wrath, envy and pride. Actually, I tell a lie, they're all pretty popular, and some aren't even recognised as sins. Also, the biggest sins of which Jesuits are symbolic - teaching false doctrine and general thick-headedness - don't seem to have made it into the Premier League of 7. Still, there are some Jesuits who definitely do seem to be there purely to symbolize one particular vice.

Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ - plays Wrath in the Jesuit pantomime.

No, it can't be the seven deadly sins (I can't think of a slothful Jesuit, or even a particularly gluttonous one). But, once you have realised that the Jesuits are not real people, it does raise lots of questions. And of course Pope Francis is also a Jesuit, and beyond criticism: so, even if he is mythical, he must symbolize something.

Pope Francis SJ (right) - symbolises clear and unambiguous teaching, a willingness to answer questions on doctrine, the maintenance of the dignity of the papal office, a respect for tradition, and a refusal to judge, condemn or insult other Catholics.

Why didn't Pope Francis stick to Chemistry?

Buenos Aires, late 1950s.

So, how's your new chemical technician getting on?

A young Jorge Bergoglio makes coffee for Hans Küng (nothing but repeats on this blog...)

You mean Bergoglio? Yes, there are one or two problems, especially when his experiments don't work out the way he expected them to.

Distant cries of "You pickled pepper-faced alkali!" followed by the crash of a flask being thrown against the wall.

I see. How did he get on with analysing that sample I sent you? Does it contain any latent arsenic?

He won't tell me, says it's a binary question. He's written an impenetrable report Análisis Latentia, but you're a better man than I am if you can understand what his conclusions are.

I gather he's published a research paper all about chemicals loosening bonds and recombining with other chemicals?

Yes, it contradicts all previous theories on the subject, and says that recombining is perfectly possible if "discernment" is applied first. Apparently the laws of physics are just there to be broken.

Coccopalmerite - an elusive chemical, sometimes hard to locate.

Distant cries of "You rigid watered-down sloth-diseased ascetic acid!" as a beaker crashes through the window hitting little Agustin Iverio on the head.

He'll have to go, you know. I see that the Jesuit Seminary is advertising a scholarship that might suit him. That would get him off your hands.

But he's never expressed any interest in religion. Oh, I see, you said "Jesuit". Silly me...

The rest is history.

Christmas gifts for Catholics

The chocolate Luther

Give your loved one a statue of his or her favourite heretic, made entirely out of chocolate! Bodily nourishment as well as spiritual nourishment! Warning, may contain nuts.

Also available: Arius, neo-Pelagius, Mohammed, Kasper, Tina Beattie, etc.

The Dubia game.

Fun for all the family. The players divide into two teams, and one person is designated "pope". The members of the other team are allowed to ask five questions in order to try and decide whether the pope is Catholic. The members of the pope's team must do all they can to prevent the pope from giving a direct answer: legitimate tactics include threats, insults, and claims that the answers have already been given. Dice not supplied.

Pope Francis dressing-up kit.

Let your kids dress up as their favourite pope (not counting Benedict)! Includes white vestments, book of insults, etc. We even provide a scribbling book in which your children can write their own apostolic exhortations! Deluxe set also includes a small "aeroplane cabin" in which they can invent new doctrines.

The Eccles Heresometer^TM.

Fun for all the family. Point this at your friends, and it gives off a piercing screech if it detects any heresy. Use the "Report" setting to shop Grandma directly to the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith! WARNING: this device may overheat if used in Jesuit communities.

The miniskirt of Mercy is no longer available, but a miniskirt of Anger will be released soon.

Or buy the latest DVD.

In Martin Scorsese's The Silence of the Popes a Jesuit pope is elected, who manages to remain silent in spite of numerous questions from his flock. Recommended by Fr James Martin SJ!

A Satanist, a Jesuit, an atheist, and a radical Muslim meet

Once upon a time there were a Satanist, a Jesuit, an atheist and a radical Muslim, and they decided to compare their achievements.

It's hard to look normal when you're a complete loser.

"I must be the most evil," said the Satanist. "I have backed the Devil, the Father of Lies. I like backing losers: I also support Norwich City football club, the Zimbabwe cricket team, and Jeremy Corbyn. I am really attracted by the possibility of eternal damnation and the Lake of Fire. Knowing that God is almighty and could obliterate me with a crook of his little finger, I take part in black masses where I profane the sacrament, simply because it makes me feel really naughty. Look at me, folks, I'm the bad boy of the class."

This is what passes for Catholicism in New York.

"I'm not evil," said the Jesuit. "In fact I am MERCIFUL. I also practise a new type of Catholicism, in which we deny all the established teaching. The pope's going to ordain women, you know - after all Mary Magdalene was the Head of the Church at the time of the Resurrection (and she even wore a dalmatic). The Holy Spirit is a woman - trust me on this - and so is the Spirit of Vatican II. Now I want to encourage people to practise Ignatian Discernment: nowadays, this means dreaming up the wackiest ideas possible and imposing them upon an interpretation of holy scripture!"

Brian Cox knows what K(q",q';T) is, so he must be CLEVER.

"We've been having a hard time recently," said the atheist. "Dawkins has been ill, and split from his wife; Grayling's still sulking about Brexit; Fry's thrown a wobbly and vanished from Twitter; I've been making a complete hash of pretending to be a climate scientist; only Elton John can be said to be leading a truly happy life. Moreover, everyone laughs at us, because we can't find a single rationalist who isn't just a little bit odd. Indeed, worldwide we're in decline, even though in the UK the Catholic and Anglican bishops have done wonders for our cause. So, although I would like to say we're undermining the Christian religion, it is in fact the Christians who are doing it themselves."

"Swing low, sweet Sharia..."

"We've been having a good press lately," said the radical Muslim. "Our ISIS chaps have been torturing women and children, burning people alive, feeding them to wild animals, etc. These are Western ideas - your chap Hitler wouldn't have found them at all horrifying. Now I understand that Owen Smith - the man who will lead the Labour Party if Jeremy Corbyn doesn't - thinks he can solve all our problems by inviting us to sit round a table with him. There was even talk of beer and bacon sandwiches, like the politicians used to offer to trade unionists in the 1970s. I can't see that working: indeed if Owen Smith drops round we shall probably EAT him."

In the end, all four of these guys died and went to Heaven. The ways of God are strange indeed.