This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Laurie Penny and the Pope's views

We are deeply honoured to have as our guest columnist the lovely Laurie Penny of the New Statesman.

Laurie Penny

An oil painting of the lovely Laurie Penny.

Urgh! Wasn't Pope Benedict ugly! With his squinty evil grin and his red shoes he looked just like a Sith Lord!! Except that Sith Lords don't wear red shoes, do they? Well never mind. Anyway, it proves he wasn't worth listening to!!

George Clooney

If Pope Benedict had looked like this, we'd have had to take him seriously.

Pope Francis is different. He doesn't wear red shoes. He doesn't look creepy. He doesn't eat babies or kick beggars in the street. You won't find him pulling the wings off butterflies - well, only on special occasions, I expect. Rumour hath it that Francis is keen on charitable actions. He radiates love to all mankind, almost at the level of a typical New Statesman columnist.

The Saint

Pope Francis - handsome and saintly, but he will insist on talking.

But then Pope Francis spoilt it all by talking about his religious views - a mistake made by popes throughout the ages. He spoke of "children, victims of abortion" being "discarded as 'unnecessary'". WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS, THE EDITOR OF THE NEW STATESMAN OR SOMEONE?


A butterfly, spared (for the moment) by Pope Francis.

Shut up, Francis, you right-wing extremist. They might hear you in Spain, the United States, even Ireland, where there are still people who call themselves Catholic. What about abortion rights, eh? Have you ever been a baby in the womb? I doubt it very much! I have, so there! We all want the world to be better, and allowing women full access to abortion is the way to make it so!

Trust me, I'm a mother. Oh, in fact I'm not (I just checked my CV); but I could be. Well, you never hear people speak of "The Holy Grandmother", and this proves that Pope Francis never even had a mother. Anyway, you don't see female Catholics supporting "pro-life" issues, do you?

Joan of Arc

This is what Catholics do to women.

I'm running out of steam, drat it. Oh yes... institutional sexism... medieval moral code (Christ was medieval, wasn't He? Could someone check?)... the right to control what happens to our bodies... placating conservative Catholics... how many more words do you need, Editor? Could you copy and paste some more clichés, please?


We love clichés.

Even in the 21st century there are still women giving birth to children. IS THAT RIGHT? IS IT? IS IT? Until Pope Francis dies, he has no right to talk about matters of life and death. And maybe not even then. Phew. Can I go, now?


  1. Eow, gag me with a Scrabble board!

  2. But the pope does wear red noses!

  3. Eccles, dear, that is Georg Clooney, not Georg Ganswein. SInce you can't tell the difference, you really must be saved. x

  4. If a penny saved is a penny earned, what is an unsaved Penny?

  5. as someone once said, 'the only people who are for abortion are already born.'

    it was Ronnie Reagan, that, snake in the grass.

  6. perhaps if the Bishop of Rome had simply worn the red shoes in the first place, and never said, 'Pope - pooh, just call me george', and 'God' is Not a Catholic (murder-hating, natural law promulgating,' I form people in the womb'), God', among other regrettable anti-God, scuse me, anti-obsessive remarks, then, the world in general and people who write on toilet paper - 'scuse my bergoglianism - on tissue paper, for a living (and worse, put their pictures on it), he would have been hated in the first place; and many mother's to be - 'scuse me - female-incumbents, might still be holding their office.

    p.s. I don't hate the Pope as is theoretically natural for some female incumbents and male unincumbents, but was it worth it, 'Mr Bishop''?

  7. Correction: Laurie Penny is no oil painting.

    1. Well I did think it odd that she should be in a position to criticise Pop B16 for his looks.

  8. Darling eccles - this Penny person - woeful stuff as some clever #savedpusson might say :) xx Jess

  9. So if Georg Gaswein is elected Pope the whole New Statesmen readership (all 20 of them) will take us seriously. Reason number 4,754 why he'd be a good Pope

  10. The rag in question is neither "New" nor "Statesman"-like, but it nevertheless intrigues me why the loud ill-mannered brassiere-burners still have not managed to have it renamed the "New Statesperson", or the "New States-lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-person".

    Is it simply a typesetting problem?

  11. How unlike the home life of our own dear Eccles.

  12. Is I allowed to comment here?