This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 24 January 2014

President Hollande meets the Pope

Thanks to our personal contacts at the Vatican (old Cormac the handyman), we can give an exclusive transcript of the deep and far-ranging discussions held today between President Hollande of France and Pope Francis.

Hollande and Pope

Would you like to meet the First Lady of France? Or the Second? Or the Third?

Hollande: Forgive me, votre Popenesse, for I have sinned, and I'm going to carry on sinning.

Pope: So, I've heard. I wanted to talk to you about the issue of same-sex "marriage".

Hollande: I didn't know you cared, mon ami. It would be modern of me to appoint a First Gentleman or two, as a change from all those First Ladies, ...

President Sans-Culottes

Domestic problems at the Elysée Palace.

Pope: Oh, never mind. I was going to bring up the subject of abortion, too, but I know you wouldn't listen.

Hollande: Sacrée Vache! This is not open to negotiation. So what can we talk about?

Pope: Well, it would look odd if you went home again after just one minute's deep and far-ranging discussions.

Hollande: On the other hand, if we talk about anything serious, you're going to punch me sur le hooter, aren't you?

Pope: Well, can we find something uncontroversial to chat about while they take some photos?

Hollande: Eh bien! What do you think of the new version of The Three Musketeers on the goggle-boîte?

Pope: Well, I appreciated that portrayal of Cardinal Richelieu as a cunning and devious man, the real power behind the throne. I've got quite a few like that.

Cardinal Nichols

Cardinal Richelieu - his agents are everywhere.

Hollande: Ah, in France we keep the Church in its place. Did you get round to seeing Father Brown?

Pope: Yes. Too many anachronisms, I thought, but who am I to judge?

Hollande: It's true they didn't have light sabres in the 1920s.

Pope: Or clown masses. If they had, I'm sure Chesterton would have mentioned it.

Fr Brown goes to ACTA

Father Brown prepares to attend a meeting of ACTA.

Hollande: Well, that's enough chatter. What shall we say in our press release?

Pope: We had an amicable discussion of the urgent issues facing the world.

Hollande: Yes, I'll go along with that. Oh, and I've brought you une bouteille de vin...

Old popes wine

A little gift for Pope Francis and Pope Benedict.


  1. Darling eccles, I am sure the Pope wondered if he was one to judge? After all, it is a well-known French cultural practice - or so I was told by one :) xx Jess

  2. Francois, 'Liquidate Christians? I'm all for that.' Francis, 'Hah, hah, no, I said, 'liquid Christians'.

  3. Hilarious, especially the photo of Holland sans culottes. Though no hint of the poof about Hollande. He is definitely a ladies(plural) man. God has no expectation that French men will only have one woman in their lives.If he did, they would wear their socks to bed, like their English neighbours.:

  4. Scoup de Jour: this just in - pope tells Hollande to liquidate Christians, then chastises him for carrying his mistress on motorcycle. 'I hope at least she wears a helmet', the concerned Bishop added.

  5. Actually, Francis told Hollande to ditch the three-wheeled Piaggio and get a manly motorcycle like a Harley-Davidson.

    “And I just happen to have one for sale” continued Pope Francis. “Make me an offer…”

  6. When Hollande arrived at The Vatican he apparently addressed the pope as Benedict XVI not realising that he had abdicated recently. When Francis I told him about this he looked at him and remarked that you have to expect these things in voting democracies.