This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Mary McAleese is invited to advise the Pope

Pope Francis has reacted quickly to a speech by Mary McAleese (ex-President of Ireland) by inviting her to be his special adviser on the subject of muddle-headed chumps.

elephant in room

The elephant in the room.

"The elephant in the room is that there are many muddle-headed chumps in the Catholic church," explained a Vatican spokesman. "Previously, people who called themselves Catholics while in fact they simply failed to understand Christian teaching kept their problems to themselves, but now more and more people are coming out and saying 'Yes, I'm a muddle-headed chump, and proud of it!' and we need to treat them with love and understanding."

look right

Special roadsigns for muddle-headed chumps.

Mrs McAleese nailed her muddle-headed chump credentials firmly to the elephant, er, mast, by proposing in all seriousness that Cardinal Keith O'Brien, currently languishing in an abbey somewhere near Wolverhampton, should be brought back and asked to help the Church change its teaching on homosexuality. As an encore, she is expected to propose that William Finnegan, the Bradford priest who was secretly married and recently jailed for sexual assault, should advise the Catholic Church on how to update Christ's teachings on sexual morality.

Mary McAleese's appointment has been greeted with enthusiasm by Tony Flannery of the Catholic Revolutionary Association of Priests (CRAP), himself happy to be known as a muddle-headed chump. "She has put the cat amongst the pigeons," he said, apparently unaware that such actions are normally considered to be cruelty to animals.

cat and pigeons

A cat, possibly belonging to Mary McAleese.

Mrs McAleese, once regarded as the 64th most powerful woman in the world, has now shot into the list of the 10 women with most influence in the Catholic Church (somewhere behind Tina Beattie, Catherine Pepinster and Cristina Odone), and it is clear that the issue of muddle-headed chumpness is one that the Catholic Church is determined to face.

Mary McAleese and her friend Enda Life.

More traditional Catholics, those who feel that muddle-headed chumps should try to suppress their urge to put their foot in their mouth every time they open it, are clearly going to be horrified as a new broom of change blows through the corridors of the Vatican and sweeps away the elephant in the room. Sorry, we're having "bad metaphor day" today.


  1. "a new broom of change blows through the corridors of the Vatican and sweeps away the elephant in the room".

    I wondered where my broomstick had got to after that Hogmanay Sabbat at Arthurs Seat. I had to take a coach back to Stockport. New Year's resolution is never to go drinking with Irish witches again.

  2. being the 7.137 billionth most...homo sapiens sapiens sapiens Chritowannapiens, i can with a clear lack of any authority or indeed, authenticity, whatsoever, having served as both the toe of the elephant in the room, and the little fourth claw of the right paw of the cat amongst the peregrines' happy meal, i can report that the elephant in the room, having severed this humble faithful toe and put it in house arrest, and the little claw on the paw having been clipped and boiled to make stew for tomorrow's media underprivileged guests at the papal apartments in the Domus Sanctæ Marthæ, which are much larger and generous in a solidarity with the underprivileged way than the humble papal place that has all those utterly inconvenient ghost's of Christ's Vicars past whooo whooooo about all night. to finish, the elephant never has to look to the right, poor Pope Emeritus who drives the Renault must take note of such things.

    so rude of me, who was it reported to be seen to be seen to advising the 1st most powerful?

  3. Darling eccles, clearly Bihsop Williamson will be invited in to help with relations with the Jews xx Jess

  4. Mrs McAleese is honoured as one of the great Catholic gurus by many bishops and priests who detest the Deposit of Faith and the Natural Law. She is one of the "clique" of worldly Catholics who have anathematised the Catholics who are faithful to Tradition, Scripture and the Magisterium, and who employ objective reason.

  5. Well, Senior Vatican spokesman Fr Federico Lombardi has said: “This is just nonsense . . . It is simply not a realistic possibility that Pope Francis will name women cardinals for the February consistory."

    Looks like its on the cards then.

    “Theologically and theoretically, it is possible .... Being a cardinal is one of those roles in the church for which, theoretically, you do not have to be ordained but to move from there to suggesting the pope will name women cardinals for the next consistory is not remotely realistic.”

    Ummmm .... who is we to judge?

  6. Miz. McAleese is well positioned between Miz. Beattie (any relation to Warren..?) and Miz. Pepnister.

    All have zero credibility when it comes to Catholic Doctrine, but are assiduous in displaying their ignorance.

    The old adage applies: “Better to remain silent and appear ignorant, than to open one’s mouth and confirm the suspicion…”

  7. I must protest at the disturbing photo of the pigeonophobic feline. It reminded me of the vicious liberal modernist predators who have been feeding off the flock over the last 45 years. I need an appointment with my Thomist psychologist tomorrow.

  8. Thank you for the metaphorological report Eccles. I'll take my umbrella and a survival pack with me when I go out next time. You never know what the weather will bring each time you leave the relative safety of home.

  9. I've heard that Frances, the acting pope, is going to make Dicky Darkins head of the new Congregation for an evolutionary faith (doctrine has been suspended pro tem)

  10. Dear Sir,

    Here at the Sussex Elephant Sanctuary in Hove we have been inundated with elephants this week. Most people do not realize that an elephant is not just for Christmas, and also fail to appreciate how much of the room they will take up, particularly when the room is decorated with a tree. We advise anyone thinking of putting an elephant in their room to do some basic preliminary measuring before purchase.

    Yours forgetfully,

    Annabelle "Nellie" McFarquarson

  11. Were any animals hurt during the
    making of this story ?

    And, thirdly, you haven't mentioned
    Nelson Mandela once in this Article.

    The BBC will be apoplectic.

  12. The elephant in Nelson Mandela's room had a name and a fondness for distributing necklaces to young men
    (Will this do, Z?)