This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 30 November 2015

Tiddles is saved

This is a guest post from Eccles's cat, Tiddles, who was shocked to read an article by Jonathan Langley entitled Ten reasons it's okay for Christians to hate cats



I could really have entitled this post "Seven reasons it's okay for cats to hate Christians", except that we cats are loving creatures, and do not bear grudges.

1. Cats get a bad deal in the Bible.

There is no Biblical mention of cats, in the sense of domestic animals, but lions and leopards are certainly there. Some impertinent chap called Isaiah says that the wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid. I consulted a focus group of twenty leopards, and none of them thought this was very likely. And lions have their pride, you know.

Another cheeky chap called Peter says that your adversary the Devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour. Well, I admit that we do like devouring things, but then so do humans. So why smear us cats?

Personally, I prefer Amos's "The lion hath roared, who will not fear?" or, in my case, "The cat hath miaowed, who will not fear?"

cat shooting ducks

Remember, cats are naturally great hunters.

2. Humans don't recognize cats' kindness to them.

Humans don't appreciate the gifts we leave them. I recently marked Eccles's birthday by leaving a dead vole on his pillow - well, half a dead vole, actually, I got a little hungry - but he refused to show any gratitude. Then, one evening, when I was at a loose end, I jumped off the cupboard onto Eccles's lap, with the idea of sharpening my claws on him. He gave out a yell and got up, sending me flying through the air. No love and affection there!

Tom and Jerry

Ailurophobic hate-crime.

3. Humans are insanitary.

I didn't want to mention this, but Jonathan Langley raised the matter. We cats do our little doings in a litter tray, or behind the sofa, or under the bed - somewhere nice and tidy. Humans send their waste products down a pipe, where they get processed into someone else's drinking water. Well, which do you prefer?

4. Human religion is daft.

The ancient Egyptians used to worship cats, but we don't see much of that these days. Oh no, it's "Tiddles, get back in the garden, you're not coming to Mass with me." Look at the word "Catholic" - it originally meant "addicted to cats", as with "alcoholic" or "chocaholic". But it is not reflected in their practices. When will cats be ordained to the priesthood? When will they even be allowed to take Communion? Has the Pope mentioned cats in his "Year of Mercy" speeches?

Even so-called "liberal" Catholics are anti-cat. Cardinal Kasper, a man who you would expect to be sensitive to feline issues, has refused to answer our e-mails or return our phone calls. Apparently, in the spirit of gradualism, he wants to ordain dogs first. Madness.


The good old days pre-Vatican II.

5. Humans are always fighting.

When female humans fight, they call it a "cat fight", probably because the combatants hiss at each other and scratch. Curiously, when male cats fight, we cats don't call it a "human fight", since head-butts, punches on the jaw and kicks in the sensitive parts are generally considered to be unsporting. You're more vicious than we are.

Saracen's Head

... and we don't have wars between cats of different beliefs.

6. Eternal life isn't a big deal.

The best religious deals on offer for humans seem to promise eternal life in some sort of paradise. We cats have nine lives, which makes us nine times more saved than humans. Do I need to say more?

7. Finally...

sweet cats

We are sweet.

Dawkins and chums

You are not sweet.


  1. Pope Benedict loves cats Tiddles. And he should know..

  2. I suppose all felines can look forward to is a life in the Catacombs or the Catthedral Cemetery. The Catenians won't accept four-legged members despite their name. Henry VIII had a Spanish pet Catharine of Aragon and she certainly had nine lives!

  3. Were any animals injured in the making of this Post ?

  4. The "word on the street" is that Mulier Fortis is actively looking for Jonathan Langley.

  5. "Better a live dog than a dead lion" - Eccles Ch. 9

  6. I can certainly attest to the veracity of Mr Langley's sixth proposition: Cats target people who don't like them.

  7. Surely there's a parallel universe where cats get ordained somewhere? At least the Magnificat sounds like it should be a cat prayer. Unfortunately traditionalists are all obsessed with dogma, so what can one do?

  8. Baruch 6:21 Douay Rheims: "Owls, and swallows, and other birds fly upon their bodies, and upon their heads, and cats in like manner." Cats with super powers!

  9. Cats and Catholics go together. Pope Gregory the Great renounced all his worldly possessions but refused to renounce his cat, while Gregory XV is said to have made his cat a cardinal. Though perhaps that's going a bit far, if it isn't a dirty Protestant lie. Pope Leo XIII befriended a stray cat born in the Vatican, named him Micetto, and made him his companion for his life, much of which the cat spent curled up in the Pope's robes.

  10. Me reckun, bruv, u has sene dat sirvay wich sed to schiffed books, all u nead is to have one or mor of catz, golf or Nartzi's on de cover or in de tietel. U has well peeked peepul's intrest wit dis, ennit.

    If yer nex peese is bout St.Andrews an how Rudolf 'Ess (on day releece) wunce played a round dare with Pius XII, yercova'll compleetlee blön.

  11. From my parish newsletter this week: "The SVP urgently require clothes for a 14 year old girl". Just thought I'd share that with you.

  12. When Noah categorised the animals it was the time that Roman Cat-o-licks came into being. Problem was they weren't into contraception which, in a small ship, was catastrophic