This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 2 November 2015

Catholic Church to accept Gospel of Judas

For the first time since the 4th Century AD, the Catholic Church has agreed to add a new book to the Bible, namely the gnostic Gospel of Judas. This book, which consists of informal conversations between Our Lord and the disciple Judas Iscalfariot, contains new and exciting teaching that in places seems to contradict what we learn from the rest of the Bible.


Iscalfariot, or possibly St Jerome of Corbyn

According to Our Lord's new teaching, as reported by Iscalfariot, marriage is no great shakes, really, and adultery is nothing to worry about. Certainly remarried divorcees should be admitted to Communion: the only question is whether it is really appropriate to admit those married couples who quarrel occasionally but have not yet taken the Christian way out - divorce.

With the Catholic Church accepting the Gospel of Judas, the question arises whether other Christian denominations will follow suit. The Anglicans, in fact, are way ahead of the Catholics, as they all believe unquestioningly in the very exciting 39 Articles: of these, one - "the Bishop of Rome hath no jurisdiction" - is now becoming very popular among certain Catholic bishops as well.

Francis, angry

"I heard that."

In other news, Cardinal Walter Kasper is due to give a lecture in Durham tomorrow, as part of the Tablet's 175th anniversary celebrations. Many of Walter Kasper's most loyal fans are bitterly disappointed to hear this news - saying that being associated with the Tablet may well harm the good cardinal's reputation as a pillar of orthodoxy.

Walter Kasper

"The Tablet? Are you sure that it's a totally orthodox magazine?"

A similar problem arose when pianist and composer Stephen Hough was commissioned to write a piano sonata for the Tablet's anniversary. We have not heard the piece yet, but we understand that it is programmatic in style, beginning with music that is strongly Catholic in flavour, based on Gregorian chant, and then suddenly degenerating in the last few bars into a depiction of Chaos and Hell. What could he possibly have been trying to say?

Stephen Hough

"This bit depicts a Witches' Sabbath."


  1. 'Francis!'
    'Got that atheist guy, Scrofula on the phone, the one who always misquotes you and causes all the trouble.'
    'Putta him onna'. 'Hey Eugenio, you wanna know abouta da Synod, OK. We keepa da traditional discipline an changa nothing, yeah? no es posible 'Now I unnerstan that you are very old and very stupida but coulda you try to get it righta THIS time?'
    'Will do Francisco, unfortunately forgot my pen and forgot what you said' ' 'Oh, no, not again, I don believe thisa, neither will anyone else, when will I ever learna?

    1. Ooo you naughty story! Don't you know "Vatican spokesman"* says Papa never said any such thing? Well, not exactly that thing.
      * Fr Lombardi, getting more haggard by the minute.

      Flying. Kite. A. Please rearrange into a well-known phrase or saying.

  2. Thanks Lepanto. I too read that account of Scrofula talking to Pope Francis on Rorate Caeli and it seems that ilPapa is quite sure that the Synod accepted that divorcees will be admitted to Communion if they ask the question.
    The schism is on it seems.

  3. Don't mean to brag, but I have all of you beat in the theology qualification department. My former orthodox daughter went to Villanova for her undergraduate degree and Georgetown for her graduate where the Jesuits finished the job Villanova began turning her into a liberal. (Her father paid for her education. I had no say in the matter.) Therefore I qualify because I'm ANGRY and MAD. How dare they do this to our children! I'm now dealing with a morally confused person.

  4. Stop it.
    Stop it right now!!!!!!
    You are giving this stuff away, I have a cunning plan.
    We've ALL spoken to the Pope, haven't we?
    I sure did.
    Maybe you did too!
    (Save the Liturgy, Save the World)

  5. Let's not hang Pope Francis upon the word of an atheist. Let him at least provide his own rope.

  6. I've heard an ugly rumour that Cardinal Kasper has written a book. In fact, MORE THAN ONE. Probably makes the 'Gospel of Judas' look like the Summa Theologica. Even the thought itself has me feeling a bit queasy. Can someone pass me the tablets? NO!! NOT the ones with the big 'T'.

  7. I do what you say and keep taking the Tablet, but it sticks in my throat.

    I think this Saint Dudearse is part of St Corbyn's crowd who are trying to rewrite the book, comrade.

    As I see it, and given the divorce rate etc, the only married couples left who qualify to take communion would be homosexual.

    I hope all this doesn't come up in the end of course exams it's a bit confusing

  8. John,

    Let me reassure you that the end of term R.E. exam at least shouldn't be a problem. All the questions are multiple choice and will be scored by specially 'chosen' Merciful Markers. Well, I say it won't be a problem but only so long as you avoid giving clear, orthodox answers. That would almost certainly result in you receiving a 'U' (for Unfriendly, Unwelcoming and Untolerant).

    And if that last word is made up, make allowances - me got a 'U' in English.

    1. On the the multiple choice paper, it asked if Kasper was

      (a) A Friendly Ghost?
      (b) A Holy Ghost?
      (c) The Spirit of the new faith?

      I didn't answer.... is that a cardinal sin?

    2. Well, John, there's some good news and some bad news. Your lack of an answer was indeed a sin.........but of omission rather than of the fully-fledged cardinal variety.

  9. The latest shock to hit the NO church is the discovery of The Gospel of Walter manuscript which was found in 2015AD and brings us all the up-to-date news on the personal journey of kasper and most of his double visions on the Ology and a 100 page revelation on how he received the gap not only between his front teeth but the appreciable one in his brain.

  10. Coincidentally, 39 is also the total number of articles published in the Tablet since the moon landings which are worth reading.

  11. The Anglican Article on General Councils , which complains of their shortcomings, seems also very popular among Catholics. So many seem to complain of Vatican II. Other Catholics seem keen on the Article on National Churches.

    1. Indy (May I call you 'Indy' or is that being over-familiar?),

      Anyway, I defer to your far superior knowledge of the 39 Articles. I assure you that they ARE on my List of Important Literature to be Read - just below Bill Clinton's autobiography and anything written by Jeffrey Archer.

    2. Indy will do nicely. Anglicans find the Articles very useful to read during boring sermons.