This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Archbishop Fisichella excommunicates the Pope

Following his claim that critics of the Pope faced automatic excommunication - the sort of "merciful" statement that we expect to hear a lot of in the next few months - Archbishop Fisichella, President of the Pontifical Council for New Evangelization, today revealed that he had excommunicated Pope Francis himself. It is believed to be the first occasion since the middle ages on which an occupant of the Chair of St Peter has suffered this indignity.


"Maybe I hadn't really thought this out."

Apparently the Holy Father was overheard commenting that he had greatly sinned, in his thoughts and in his words, in what he had done and in what he had failed to do, through his fault, through his fault, through his most grievous fault. "Now, if any other Catholic had said this of the Pope," said Fisichella, "perhaps Bones or Mundabor, then they would have been in deep trouble. So it is only fair to punish Francis for this vicious attack on himself."

LATE NEWS: Pope Francis has been forgiven.

Disney display

Meanwhile, in Rome...

Yesterday, the start of the Jubilee Year of Mercy, was also the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. The Vatican chose to mark this by using St Peter's Basilica as a projection screen, showing a range of Pope Francis's favourite wildlife.

hunchback of Notre Dame

St Quasimodo of Notre Dame.

However, Disney, threatened by the possibility that the Vatican could soon be showing Tom and Jerry cartoons on St Peter's, has responded with a display of scenes from the Jungle Book.

tigers in Rome

Shere Khan the tiger.

Gosh, this year of Mercy is going to be interesting.


  1. Archbishop Fishyfella says that words can be the same as "physical violence". I'd say he's counting his bruises.

  2. Sticks and Stones
    May break my bones
    ...but words can
    excommunicate me!

    According to Canon law: canons' speaking out against the Pope can be fired.

    Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
    Lit the Vatican, in the night:
    What immortal hand on high
    Could excommunicate the likes of you ...or I?

    NOTE We did some poetry on this course, did you notice?

  3. How do you do it?! You have done it again and I am simply in stiches. I am so sorry that I do not have the poetic muse within me!
    Thank you.

  4. Creepy, cloying film of light
    On the Vatican shining bright
    Icky, eldritch pics and sound
    Call mankind to common ground
    So that we can change doctrine by plebiscite.


    Archbishop Fishy-Chiesa has now excommunicated himself.

  6. One of the images used in this Roman Circus was of a lion. The organisers were going to use a quite arresting picture of a roaring lion, prowling around seeking those whom he may devour but unfortunately he had a smile on his face and Vatican officials would not allow its inclusion on the grounds that it would be out of step with the serious message to be conveyed by this visual farce.

  7. In June 2016, as part of the Church's Year of Conformity with the World, Archbishop Cupich, Cardinal Kasper and Cardinal Nichols will each be raising much needed funds for Greenpeace, Save the Whale and the Hedgehog Preservation Society respectively by undertaking a feat of derring-do at a notable national landmark in their own country.

    Archbishop Cupich will be abseiling down the north face of the Sears Tower.

    Cardinal Kasper will be free climbing the Brandenburg Gate.

    Cardinal Nichols will be bungee jumping off the campanile of Westminster Cathedral.

    Unfortunately, to maximise the inevitable global publicity, all three events will take place over one 24 hour period so those wishing to attend in person will have to make the hard choice of which spectacle will be the most entertaining.

    I'm leaning towards the London extravaganza in the hope that the bungee cord is just a little bit too long and so, just as Cardinal Vincent reaches his terminal velocity, he experiences a little knock to the head (I emphasise 'little') courtesy of the tiles of the piazza, which has the very welcome side effect of bringing him to his (Catholic) senses from that point onwards.

    1. ". . . will each be raising much needed funds for Greenpeace, Save the Whale and the Hedgehog Preservation Society . . ."

      And what's wrong with "The British Sausage Appreciation Society" ? at

      Is there any prejudice against "Things British" ?

      Are we "too Right-Wing" and "too Traditionalist" ?

    2. Well, let me put it this way.

      I happen to have seen the agenda for the last meeting (plenary session) of the Islamic-Catholic Interfaith Symposium (or, er, I.C.I.S. for short) and 'Sausages' was No.329 under Any Other Business - just below the Trinity, the Incarnation and the Price of Oil.
      D'ye get the picture now?

  8. BREAKING NEWS: It's been announced that Archbishop Cupich has reluctantly withdrawn from his abseiling challenge after being reminded that when he even thinks of matters not of this world, never mind actually being several hundred metres above terra firma, he develops a severe nosebleed.

    Fortunately, Cardinal Dolan has kindly stepped forward to take the heresiarch's place in agreeing to show off his masonic skills by giving the Statue of Liberty a pedicure. While obviously this could be considered a less physically demanding feat for the Conformity Church's representative, the event itself promises to be no less exciting as there's a good chance of a Prince of the Church being tasered,arrested by the NYPD and charged with criminal damage to a National Monument.

    Every cloud.....