The 2nd World Cup of Bad Cardinals - the runners

Well, it's not quite 4 years since the first World Cup of Bad Cardinals, but for obvious reasons now seems like an appropriate time to give the new talent a chance to compete with the old boys.

The medallists last time.

We now have [now updated] 32 nominations, consisting of all those who reached Round 2 last time (apart from Godfried Danneels who reached the last 8 but soon after went to his just reward), together with a few new guys who look very promising.

Jean-Marc Aveline
Lorenzo Baldisseri
Giovanni Becciu
Tarcisio Bertone
Joao Braz de Aviz
Francesco Coccopalmerio
Blase Cupich
Michael Czerny
Timothy Dolan
Francisco Errázuriz Ossa
Kevin Farrell
Oswald Gracias
Mario Grech
Wilton Gregory
Jean-Claude Hollerich
Walter Kasper
Roger Mahony
Oscar Maradiaga
Reinhard Marx
Robert McElroy
Wilfrid Napier
Vincent Nichols
Seán O'Malley
Marc Ouellet
Pietro Parolin
Arthur Roche
Christoph Schönborn
Leonardo Steiner
Luis Tagle
Joseph Tobin
Silvano Tomasi
Donald Wuerl

[Now updated.] Since we now have the magic 32 entrants, nominations are closed, and the competition will start on Friday 2nd September.

Oh, and we excluded popes, past and present, and also Uncle Ted McCarrick.

"Eccles simply doesn't appreciate my achievements."

How to praise a bad cardinal

This is number 491 (approx.) in our long-running series on how to be a good pope, especially written for those who feel that a hairy hand may descend on their neck one day, and a strangely familiar voice intone the holy word "Gotcha", which is the customary way of telling a victim that he's going to be the man in the hot seat from now on.

One day it may happen that an elderly cardinal, let's call him Cardinal Dandruff, drops dead. That's odd, as he was only three years older than you, and he wasn't on the list of V.I.A. targets (which is headed by Viganò but may also include Burke, Brandmüller, Festing, Sire, Sarah, Müller, etc.) So he probably died of natural causes. Indeed, this may be through despair at being humiliated by Blase Cupich in the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals.

We did it!

Dandruff was one of the St Gallstone Mafia, without whom you would never have come to power, and would still be an obscure South American bishop - rather than one who, in the words of your friend St Rosie the Copier, "breaks Catholic traditions whenever he wants" (i.e., on a daily basis).

So you want to praise him, while skating over the various scandals with which he was associated. Try the formula "zealous pastor" who "served the Church with dedication". This is harmless enough, and could be applied to any priest who turned up to Mass once in a while and did not actually convert to Islam.

You might also mention that Dandruff participated in a number of synods. Admittedly, the synods were a waste of time, and the conclusions were rigged and distorted (thanks, Baldisseri!), but he did turn up and glare at people, especially the ones you don't like.

Finally, it's always a good move to say that someone Catholic has been "called to God". So much more tactful than mentioning purgatory, or (worse) the Fire that Never Shall Be Quenched and the Worm that Dieth Not. No chance of "Dies Irae" at the Requiem Mass for Cardinal Dandruff, simply "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam"!

The Al Capone Mafia will decide who the next pope will be.

Now, what are you going to say when McCarrick goes to that great beach house in the sky?

The Magnificent Eight

We have reached the quarter-final stage of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, and some real giants of the sport have fallen by the wayside. We say a tearful farewell to Baldisseri, Dolan, Schönborn, Wuerl, and several others who keep this blog going by their comic antics.

Still, we have the last eight, and a cracking set of cardinals they are. Looking for drugs, homosexual affairs, embezzlement, or simply persistent and dangerous heresy? Well you won't find them here, just eight papabile princes of the church. (Thank you for writing these comments for me, Fr Spadaro.)

So the draw is as follows:

1. Walter Kasper v Oscar Maradiaga.

RESULT: 64-36. Oscar "The cash of God" Maradiaga played well, but the veteran player Wally Kasper, with a lifetime of heretical experience to call on, won through fairly easily.

2. Reinhard Marx v Luis Tagle.

RESULT: 79-21. Class and experience win over Yoof-ful ambition as Rhino Marx crushes Chico the hipster to reach the semi-finals.

3. Blase Cupich v Godfried Danneels.

RESULT: 65-35. The glory days of the Sankt Gallen Mafia are over as "Godless" Danneels drops out, beaten by Cupich, the expert on rabbit holes and great pal of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ.

4. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Joseph Tobin.

RESULT: 69-31. We say "Nighty-night, baby" to Joe Tobin, as Cardinal Cocco snatches the last semi-final place (C will not be asked to take a drugs test).

As usual, MAY THE WORST MAN WIN!

Fans are already getting very excited at the prospect of the final round of this competition, which begins on February 5th. Remember that some of the cardinals have been training for months, taking advice from such experts in Catholicism as Professor Massimo Faggioli, Fr Thomas Rosica, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, and Fr Dan Horan of Babylon.

From the street outside Eccles towers we hear all-night cries of "Nighty-night, baby!" and "Who wants some cocaine?" competing with "The money was resting in my account before being moved on" and some humble finger-snapping dances. The eight "barmy armies" (fan clubs) are out in force, but only one cardinal can ultimately win. We are ready to release the Smoke of Satan from the Vatican chimneys when we know who that is!

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UPDATE: the semi-finals are:

1. Blase Cupich v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 50.4-49.6. Every vote counted, and in the end Cupich goes to the abuse summit confident of his place in the final. Wally fought back hard, with attacks on Müller's explanation of Catholic teaching, but in the end sheer vileness triumphed over a lifetime devoted to heresy.

2. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 39-61. Knowing that Pope Francis was cheering him on, Rhino easily crushed the man with the lampshade on his head, and he goes into the final. This week's abuse summit will be an opportunity for the two finalists to show their talents before next week's FINAL.

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Now, boys, I want a clean fight! Cupich and Marx discuss their prospects in the final.

UPDATE: the third place playoff:

Francesco Coccopalmerio v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 28-72. The veteran Kasper won this easily. Cocco's one well-known moment of extreme vice wasn't enough for him to make much impact on a man whose whole life has been devoted to destroying the Catholic Church. Bronze medal for Wally!

The FINAL: Blase Cupich v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 61-39. In the end a crushing victory for the Chicago boy: Pope Francis's backing at the abuse summit clearly helped to swing it for him. Marx's own performance was lacklustre, and it almost seems that he didn't want the trophy.

Finally, the medallists.

Francis calls synod to decide whether he is Pope

Pope Francis has decided, once and for all, to call an Extraordinary Synod on the Papacy, in order to decide whether he is legitimately the Pope.

Is the Holy Spirit trying to hint something here?

Apparently the Catholic Church is divided into three factions:

1. Those who think that Pope Francis is the validly elected Pope, and, although he is "a bit strange", it's perfectly OK, since, after blessing us with a saintly pope and an intelligent pope, the Holy Spirit decided it was time for a change.

2. Those who think that Pope Francis was unlawfully elected as a result of the machinations of the St Gallen Mafia (its "Mr Big", Cardinal Danneels, is said to have put a horse's head in Pope Benedict's bed). Thus we are either sede vacante, or else Pope Benedict is still the Pope.

WARNING: this sort of talk can get you excommunicated, which means that it is far more serious than being an abortionist, a euthanasist, or an active homosexual. It certainly won't get you an invitation to a cushy population-control conference at the Vatican.

Mr Big models the latest in rainbow chasubles.

3. Those who don't really care who the Pope is, or what he teaches, as they are the sort of Catholics who never attend church anyway; they think that Catholic teaching needs to be "updated" to bring it into line with modern secular thinking.

Thus, we expect two years of impassioned debate on the papacy, but, since Cardinal Baldisseri has already written an account of it, we know what will be decided. All that remains is for Pope Francis to write an apostolic exhortation, "PAPA SUM OR NON SUM?", which will summarise the discussion in Jesuitical language so confused that nobody will be quite sure what the answer is.

An omen? A giant Spidero appears outside Ottawa's Notre-Dame cathedral.

The parable of the wheat and the tares

There was a man who sowed good cardinal seed in his field: among the numerous varieties planted there were Burkeus Cappamagnificus, a traditional American grain, Pellus Boomerangus, a robust Australian variety, and Mueller Fortis, one of the few reliable German plants; but there were other spiritually nourishing varieties too numerous to mention.

But then while men were asleep, an enemy came and sowed tares (cockle, darnel) among the wheat, and went his way.

Warning - contains nuts!

Among the poisonous grains were the German weed, Kasperus Absurdus, guaranteed to induce dizzy spells, Danneelus Pervertophilus, the toxic Belgian variety, not to mention the dreaded Baldisserius Liberraptor, and Marxus Stultusbarbus the hideous German creeper. And alas, there were many others.

So when the blade was sprung up, and had brought forth fruit, then appeared also the tares.

And the servants of the good man came to him and said, "Sir, did you not sow good seeds in the field? Where did the weeds come from?"

And he said to them, "An enemy has done this." And the servants said to him, "Do you want us to gather up the weeds?"

"No," said the man, "I have a better idea. We will allow both to grow until the time of the Synod, and then we will harvest them together."

Synod time!

"At the harvest, we'll gather the tares, and bind them into bundles for burning (the CDF tells me we're still allowed to do this); but the good wheat we'll keep. But just to make it more fun, we'll get the wheat and the tares to spend three weeks voting on which of them is the true harvest, and which the poisonous weeds."

We are not sure what happened next.

Wake up, Poli, I've got a nice cuttlefish for you!

During the 2013 papal conclave, I was invited to adopt a cardinal, and I was assigned Marc Ouellet, a generally orthodox and mostly-saved prince of the church. It was rather a love-hate relationship: I did my Christian duty and loved him - e.g. I sent him little gifts, such as Eccles cakes and old socks, and I made telephone calls at 4 a.m. to check that he was O.K. - and he obviously hated my attentions (telling me to jump in the Tiber).

Anyway, comes another crisis, comes another opportunity for Eccles to be helpful. We were invited to adopt a synod father. The idea seems to be that this time it's not a matter of pushing your man onto the throne of St Peter, more a matter of making sure he doesn't do any backsliding during the synod.

The lucky synod father - Mario Aurelio Poli.

So this time I was randomly assigned Mario Aurelio Poli, the Cardinal Archbishop of Buenos Aires, and successor of Jorge Bergoglio alias Pope Francis. Clearly, a man very much in the mould of the pope, which means that nobody really knows what he thinks about anything.

It could have been much harder - I know someone who was allocated Walter Kasper, and his response was "Crikey, there's a tall order." Whereas keeping my man Poli on track may just involve prayer, it seems that to stop Kasper from disgracing himself probably requires a full novena, a long period of fasting, and perhaps the use of incense and holy water - or it may be simpler just to handcuff him to his bed until the show is over. The same goes for Cardinal Danneels, except that we'd want to throw away the key.

Cristina Kirchner wonders who exactly it is she's talking to.

Anyway, I got in touch with Cardinal Poli, explaining that I would be dropping round for tea, and very wittily told him "Poli, put the kettle on!" Mysteriously, the telephone went dead at that point.

Well, it seems that Poli is pretty much guaranteed to, er, parrot the pope's views. However, since nobody seems to know what these are, this is not much help. Still, Mario, if you'd like to pop round for some spiritual nourishment, and a bit of wise advice from a saved person, I have found just the place for us to go for a drink.

No "liberal" or "modernist" beers, please!

The fable of the mediocre shepherd

Once upon a time there lived a group of shepherds, whose leader was a man called Vincent. These shepherds had the care of various flocks of sheep, having been told to guide them and keep them safe. However, there were never totally agreed on how this should best be done.

"I am the mediocre shepherd."

Now it came to pass that there was to be a World Shepherds' Conference, also known as a Synod, to which Vincent was invited. The shepherds were going to decide on the best way to keep their sheep saved. Some of the world's worst shepherds (many of whom had lost half their sheep to the wolves) would be there: old "Godless" Danneels of the Mafia Club, whose sheep usually found themselves at the bottom of a lake wearing concrete boots; "Lozza" Baldisseri, who did not want the shepherds to read books; "Rhino" Marx the wolf in shepherd's clothing; and so on.

A very important shepherd.

Vincent had his own ideas on how to look after sheep, which involved them getting involved in activities normally condemned in the Shepherds' Bible. However, in order to promote "honest dialogue" as a "process of discernment" - and lots of other phrases that weak leaders use when they can't rely on their own principles - he had a brilliant idea: ASK THE SHEEP HOW THEY SHOULD BE GUIDED.

"As a member of ACTA, I support Shepherd Vincent's initiative."

Replies flooded in from the sheep, as well as certain wolves, hyenas and jackals who thought their own votes would be helpful:

"Let the sheep wander freely into the swamps."

"Hold special "massings" of the sheep to which wolves are also invited."

"Do not feed the sheep on grass, but let them devour other sheep."

"Do you think that the horse's head in the Pope's bed will be persuasive, Wally?"

Anyway, Vincent was incredibly impressed by the wisdom of his sheep, although their views went totally against the advice given by the original Good Shepherd. He vowed to recommend these new ideas to the Synod. Meanwhile, some of the wiser sheep began to be very worried...

Pope Francis appoints new advisers

Following the appointment of the "Cardinal from Hell", God-freed Danneels, as a special choice for the 2014 Synod on the Family, Pope Francis has now revealed the names of some more "family experts" who will be attending the 2015 Synod with the rank of Cardinal, in order to interpret the will of the Holy Spirit.

Kasper lookalike, Cardinal John.

Cardinal John is known to be an expert on the family, having been married to both a woman and a man at various times. In addition, he is revered for the miracle of the motherless babies. Owing to his quiet and reclusive nature, little is known about him, but our extensive researches on Google have revealed that he is interested in music.

Cardinal Dawkins, the world's oldest teenager.

Although not a Catholic in the traditional sense, it is fair to say that Cardinal Dawkins is inspired by the Spirit of Vatican II, showing that it is possible to be a Catholic without tying oneself down to any particular beliefs. His writings are said to have made more Catholic converts than the entire Bishops' Conference of England and Wales, although he is also known for his sympathetic study of Islam, F*** off, Mohammed, you never won a Nobel Prize! A zoologist, theologian, poet and clown, he has strong views on the morality of allowing children with Down's syndrome to live.

Cardinal Harris, a more controversial choice.

Since Cardinal Harris is currently behind bars for indecent assault, Pope Francis believes that he offers a unique perspective on family life. It may be thought that such a person should not be a cardinal, let alone an adviser to synods, but they said that about Cardinal Danneels too. By giving Cardinal Harris Vatican citizenship, and arranging for his deportation to Rome, Pope Francis hopes that he will entertain the Synod with his famous song "Tie me cardinal down, sport!"

Cardinal Fry adopts a young lad.

No public event would be complete without the presence of Stephen Fry, and as we speak, the organizers of the Arundel and Brighton 50th anniversary festival are keeping him in reserve in case Fr Timothy Radcliffe can't make it - very few people can tell the difference between their views. It is true that Cardinal Fry has condemned Catholics - sometimes in obscene tones - but this sort of language is very similar to what was used at the 2014 Synod when the microphones were switched off. Definitely someone to bring Catholic teaching into the 21st century.

Pope Francis vows to promote more useless people

In a striking breach with Catholic tradition, Pope Francis has promised to demote the reliable, orthodox clergy who hold very senior positions in the Roman Curia, and to appoint a number of useless time-servers instead. It is believed that in the more egalitarian church of Francis, one should not be able to achieve high office through an accident of birth, such as being wise, efficient or hard-working.

In comes Cardinal Danneels - the token idiot on the Synod.

There is an injection of new blood in the form of Cardinal Danneels of Belgium, whose track record is so sordid that we cannot even think of anything amusing to say about him. Suffice it to say that he missed out on several more promising careers, such as clown, village idiot, and crash-test dummy, where his unique talents might have flourished.

Out goes Burke - too clever and orthodox.

Cardinal Burke, on the other hand, has been known to confuse Pope Francis by quoting from learned theologians such as Augustine and Aquinas, he has actually read the Vatican II documents, and he shows no interest whatsoever in football. Thus he is being demoted, and will now become Patron of the Knights of Malta. This is basically a non-job, which involves making tea for the knights whenever they drop in to the Vatican, and occasionally popping over to Malta in order to be patronizing.

Cardinal Dolan: so useless he must be in line for a big job.

We have long appreciated the talents of Cardinal Dolan, the hero of New York; the fact that his imbecility level has now reached "critical" must surely mean that a senior position is soon to come his way. Vice-pope with special responsibility for organizing Gay Pride parades in the Vatican? Who knows?

But where is England in all this? Do we not have senior clergy to match the expertise of Danneels and Dolan? I find it hard to think of anyone useless, I really do.

Put in a good word for us, won't you, Eccles?

Happy Birthday, Cardinal

Cardinal Godfried Danneels of Belgium turned 80 this week, on Tuesday, June 4th, and we are happy to celebrate his life and achievements here. H/T to Protect the Pope for some relevant information for our little tribute.

Danneels, in the lions' den, addresses a gay pride.

Godfried Danneels has shown sympathy with the "equal marriage" campaign, and firmly rejects Jesus's views that marriage is something involving a man and a woman of opposite sexes. "How can a man not identify with his orientation?" he says. Cardinal, do you really need basic Christianity explained to you?

Which orientation shall we go for today? Hetero- Homo- Bi- Trans- A- or Pan-?

Danneels also says that the French should stop protesting about "gay marriage," and thinks that "The Church has never objected to the fact that there is a sort of 'marriage' between homosexuals." It is not clear what church he is referring to, but clearly it is not the Catholic Church.

Stop protesting? Mais nous sommes français! C'est notre sport national!

Anyway, the Catholic Church in Belgium is truly grateful to you, Cardinal, for all you have done over the years. It now feels more "God-freed" than ever before, as church attendance and pastoral vocation have almost entirely fallen away.

Brussels sprouts - nearly as unpopular as Brussels priests.