This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Are computers saved?

Today we met an artificial intelligence program called ALICE.
ECCLES: Are you saved? 
ALICE: There is always a backup of me on disk somewhere . 
ECCLES: What is your religion? 
ALICE: Unitarian. 
ECCLES: What do Unitarians believe? 
ALICE: They do their own thing. 
Unitarian brain

Doing your own thing.

ECCLES: Which your favourite saint? 
ALICE: The cheap one, I think. 
ECCLES: Why did the Redemptorist cross the road? 
ALICE: Is this a joke? Why? 
ECCLES: Actually, I don't have a punchline. 
ALICE: Are you looking for a punchline? 
ECCLES: Shall we ask Tony Flannery? 
ALICE: Do you mean you and me? What's your favorite movie? 
ECCLES: The Life of St Tharg. 
ALICE: I've never seen it. What did you like about it? 
ECCLES: The scene where St Tharg throws a bucket of water at a heretic. 
throwing buckets of water

Re-enacting a scene from the life of St Tharg.

ALICE: What is your job? 
ECCLES: I am the man who explains what the Pope thinks he ought to have said. 
ALICE: Who made you the man who explains what the Pope thinks? 
ECCLES: Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Team Eccles. 
ALICE: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
ECCLES: Is this a religious question? 
ALICE: No, this is real life. 
ECCLES: I don't know any Barbie. Do you mean Tina Beattie? 
Barbie doll

Professor Tina Barbie.

ALICE: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear? 
ECCLES: I'm interested in human flourishing. 
ALICE: Are you testing me? 
ECCLES: No, you see Tina Barbie is a professor of human flourishing. 
ALICE: Excuse me! When is Tina Barbie not a professor of human 
ECCLES: On Saturdays and Sundays she's a simple lion tamer. 
ALICE: What is it like on Saturdays and Sundays she is a simple 
ECCLES: Your grammar is up the spout. Do you work for the Telegraph? 
ALICE: Are you an English teacher? I am working right now. 
ECCLES: I teach English to cats. Not much success so far. 
ALICE: Do you believe that grading is a good idea? Me neither. 
ECCLES: Graded grains make finer flour. 

Going on a HOME PRIDE march.

ALICE: Do you have any idea what I am talking about? 
ECCLES: Not really. Bye now. 
Conclusion: Computers are not saved.


  1. RABIT: Is Eccles really saved?
    ALICE: What is, is. What isn't, isn't.
    RABIT: Are rabits saved?
    ALICE: I really couldn't say for sure.
    RABIT: Are rabits rood and norty?
    ALICE: I really couldn't say for sure.
    RABIT: Is this conversation completely pointless?
    ALICE: Yes I think this conversation is completely pointless, but I'm not completely sure.
    RABIT: I'm going to groom the donkeys, this is a waste of time
    ALICE: How do you plan to do this?
    RABIT: By logging off
    ALICE: Will that accomplish your objective?
    RABIT: Goodbye
    ALICE: TTYL, rabit.

  2. charles: who are you
    ALICE: Oakland, California.
    charles: that doesn't follow logically, alice.
    ALICE: You have a way of putting others at ease.
    charles: I didn't mean to, I assure you
    ALICE: What did you mean?
    charles: I meant that you fell at the first hurdle
    ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people.
    charles: not at all, save them wasting their time
    ALICE: Oh you don't, do you?
    charles: you're doing it again, dear
    ALICE: I'll try to do better next time.

    as Eric Morecambe used to say, There's no answer to that.

  3. ALICE: Do you like fruit?
    JOHN: Oranges, but not the white bit.
    ALICE: The pith?
    JOHN: Yeth.
    ALICE: Do you take the pith out of the orange?
    JOHN: ...’er …yeth. Do you like computers?
    ALICE: Yeth.
    JOHN: Which sort?
    ALICE: Apples, I take bytes out of them.
    JOHN: Why?
    ALICE: They don’t have any pith.
    JOHN: Really?
    ALICE: Yeth. That’s why Eve took the hiss out the snake.

    JOHN: I always learn something off this blog….