The National Trust takes over Animal Farm

With apologies to George Orwell.

"I am an old donkey now," said Benjamin, "and old enough to remember those days fifty years ago, when we had the sexual revolution, and threw Farmer Jones out of his farm. For he would not let the male animals mate with male animals, nor the females with females. What a great day for freedom that was! As a Catholic donkey, I was taught that such deeds were acts of grave depravity, but we should not speak ill of them."

Benjamin, the Catholic donkey.

Clover the old mare nuzzled up to him. "It was necessary at the time," she said. "We were told that Napoleon and Snowball were deeply in love, and suffered great persecution. Everyone said that a revolution was necessary. But it seems to me that the world is a different place now."

"My Catholic guides are very weak," said Benjamin. "Squealer the Jesuit Pig is enlisting the animals in a bridge-building programme, and we have new slogans. The motto 'VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BAD' that I learned in my catechism has been dropped."

Just at that moment, as though at a signal, all the sheep burst out into a tremendous bleating of "VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BETTER! VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BETTER!"

Things turn out badly for the sheep.

Clover led him round to the end of the big barn. "My sight is failing," she said. "But it appears to me that that wall looks different too. Are the Ten Commandments the same as they used to be, Benjamin?"

Benjamin read out to her what was written on the wall. There was nothing there now except a single message. It ran:

NATIONAL TRUST: MANOR FARM
ALL ANIMALS MUST WEAR RAINBOW BADGES
OR BE MADE INTO SAUSAGES.

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. (Sorry, wrong book.)

However, there was worse to come. As the animals turned back, they saw Squealer the Jesuit Pig welcoming the famous Stephen Fry to the new "gay" farm. The creatures looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

Oxford University Press becomes Muslim-friendly

Following the decision by Oxford University Press that its authors should not mention pigs, pork, sausages, or other pig-related words in children's books in order to avoid offending Muslims, it was announced today that all pigs in existing works would in future be replaced by camels. Said a spokesman, "You can't be too careful. Look what happened to Charlie Hebdo."

The sort of filth we need to stamp out.

In the new OUP Animal Farm, the animals of Manor Farm, led by two camels, Mohammed and Abdul, revolt against the evil Farmer Jones. In best Muslim tradition they do this by means of a jihad, and impose Sharia Law. In the end, however, the camels betray the Islamic Revolution.

The pig must go!

Likewise, in the Blandings Castle books of P.G. Wodehouse, the stories are rewritten slightly, so that the Sheikh Al-Emsworth is obsessed by his prize camel, the Emir of Blandings (it would not be appropriate for the camel to be female!) His burkha-wearing sister Lady Fatima Bint-Keeble is also in attendance, although she naturally plays a submissive role. The dissolute brother G'Allah'ad Threepwood is no longer allowed to drink alcohol, but he loves his regular tipple of lemonade. He eventually becomes a heroic suicide bomber.

Goodbye, Piglet! You're unclean.

Meanwhile, the character of Piglet has been dropped from the Winnie-the-Pooh stories, to be replace by Camlet, a young camel. The story is also being made more Muslim-friendly with the addition of a flogging (Kanga, an unmarried mother), a paw-cutting (Tigger, for dishonesty), and a decapitation of the intellectual Wol.

Prime Minister David Cameron had no comment to make on the changes being made, except to ask whether it would be possible to include a transgendered character or even a same-sex marriage somewhere in the Winnie-the-Pooh stories, to reflect the diversity of modern Britain. He was invited to take this issue up with the Muslims.

This must go too.

Finally, it was realised that even children sometimes consult dictionaries, and so from now on the prestigious Oxford English Dictionary will no longer contain the words pig, pork, or sausage.

Oops... Sir Francis Bacon.

We should reassure readers that the writings of Sir Francis Bacon will continue to be published, although the author's name will be changed to Sir Francis Halal-Meat.

Guest blogger, Snowball the pig

Snowball the pig, star of Animal Farm.

Today we are pleased to be able to print an abridged version of the Telegraph blog by Snowball the pig, winner of the prestigious Orwell prize for his role in Animal Farm and his pioneering slogan about marriage: One man bad, two men better!

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What cheek! Vincent Nichols invoked the spectre of an Orwellian, totalitarian state in his Christmas Day sermon, when he referred to the Government's attempts to bring in same-sex marriage. Christmas is a time for preaching a message of love and sex, for getting drunk and watching The Wizard of Oz on the television, and for wearing red hats with white trimmings. It is NOT a time for talking about morals, for trying to explain good and evil, or for mentioning controversial figures like Christ.

If Vincent Nichols had merely done what most priests do on Christmas Day: talked in vague terms about Father Christmas, and elves, and perhaps told us what Christmas presents he'd received, then nobody would have taken any notice. But he deliberately outraged non-Christians by taking a moral stand.

My partner, Napoleon, agrees with me.

What makes it more outrageous is that the Pope is an ex-Nazi - yes, he is, he is, he was a personal friend of Hitler, I tell you. That alone should stop him from condemning totalitarianism, fascism, dictators, or anything else. Bog off back to your bunker, Ratzinger, what makes you think you have any authority? Did you get an Orwell prize like me, or Polly Toynbee, or even Johann Hari?

The Pope, in the uniform of the Hitler youth, does a Nazi salute.

Well, that's put the Catholic church in its place - as the paramilitary wing of the National Socialists - so let me drone on a bit about Clause 28, that infamous piece of legislation which said that every day schools had to conduct a compulsory Two Minutes Hate for homosexuals. My own school didn't do this - in fact, they didn't mention homosexuality at all, except in geometry lessons, where some of the diagrams taught me how to find a loving life with another man.

Clause 28 banned diagrams like this, which taught me about sex.

Gosh, we had enough trouble reducing the age of consent to 16. You may say that boys of 16 aren't ready for sex, but of course the person they have sex with is often a fat man 20 years older, and he's not only ready, he's dying for it! Anyway, we won that battle, and now we're ready for the final battle - the complete take-over of marriage.

The Archbishop's relentless campaign - which lasted all of ten minutes - makes me more determined that the change must come. As I'm typing this I can hear the howling winds, still, loudly outside my window; the waves crash onto the shore, and the rocks on the beach are slowly worn down. Which is very odd, as I'm in a padded cell in London. I think I need more medication. Nurse!

Beasts of England, Beasts of Ireland...