The Book of Covidicus 16: Freedom Postponed

Continued from Chapter 15.

1. Now Bosis had decreed that on the longest day of the year, namely the twenty-first day of June, the children of Bri-tain would regain their freedom once more.

2. For, having once spoken of "three weeks to flatten the curve", "just another two months to save the Service of Health", "six months to turn the tide", "another five years to follow my roadmap", and "my adviser, Neil, son of Fergus, saith that in three hundred years we may have the plague under control," he had finally decided to let his people go.

3. But before this could happen, Bo-sis himself wed a comely maiden named Carrie. For he had suddenly noticed that this lady had dwelt in his tents for two years, and that he had even begotten a son from her, named Wil-fred, which signifieth "He who wants peace".

4. For it is said that Carrie gave Bo-sis no peace; and still less did Wil-fred.

5. Thus, being a devoutly religious man, Bo-sis made his way to the mighty temple of West Minster, and made an honest woman of Carrie, or at least as honest as he himself was.

"Are you number 3 or number 4? I forget."

6. But as the summer approached, Bo-sis was sore afraid, for the Indian variant of the plague had now mutated its name and was now called the Delta variant, in honour of the Ganges Delta.

7. And this Delta variant was not a kind and friendly plague, like unto the Alpha, Beta, and Gamma variants, but a cruel and hostile variant.

8. Thus Bo-sis went to the box in which he kept his plans, and started to develop new plans, such as "just one more month to flatten the delta".

9. Also, it was still necessary that all the world should be vaxed at least twice, then once more in the autumn, then once more at Christmas.

10. Further, all men should be tested three times per day to see whether they had caught the plague. For the new symptoms were very hard to detect, being exactly the same as a cold, or a hay fever, or in some cases perfect health.

Little did Bo-sis know that the plague was transmitted via the elbows.

11. Then, as all the children of Bri-tain quaked in fear at the onset of this invisible plague, Bo-sis invited some of the greatest leaders of the world to a mighty party known as G Seven: for they were nine.

12. In fact these G Seven men, and their families, had been chosen because they were totally immune to the plague. Thus, they could mix in crowds, and avoid imprisonment in the dungeons known as Qumran-tine, and still the plague touched them not.

13. However, the common people were still to be locked down for another month, lest they go to the theatre, or sing in church, after which the Delta plague would surely inflict them with wheezles and sneezles.

The Queen cutteth a cake in a socially-distanced manner.

Continued in Chapter 17.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2.

1. So the children of Bri-tain continued to be locked down, and unable to worship the Lord.

2. Although there were some priests who disguised themselves as merchants, such as Monsignor Tesco, the Bishop of Asda, Father Sainsbury, and Cardinal Waitrose.

3. These holy men sold foodstuffs to the people, and, when nobody was looking, they provided spiritual nourishment behind the shelves of beans.

4. But many people continued to worship by watching the stream that is called live.

5. Although some decided to wait for the set that is boxed, or the disc that is called video, that they might also be able to see the bloopers and outtakes as well.

6. And many priests who used the stream that is live deliberately misspoke, or tripped over, or dropped the sacred artifacts, that their bonus disc might be a worthy offering.

Guido Marini catcheth the falling cross.

7. And the people of Bri-tain were told, "Stay ye away from the doctors, for we must protect the Service of Health."

8. Thus those who suffered from sore boils, and paralysis, and leprosy were cast forth from the hospitals, that there might be room for those suffering from the plague.

9. But those who had other sicknesses claimed that they also had the plague, that they might be healed too.

The doctor healeth a man suffering from the plague.

10. Next, it came to pass that Bosis's handmaiden, Carrie, was with child.

11. For the Lord had spoken unto Bosis, saying "I will multiply thy seed like the stars of Heaven," and the prophets had foretold that he should one day have twelve children, who would found the twelve tribes of Bri-tain.

12. So Bosis called his son "Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas", for he greatly revered a saintly Northumbrian bishop of that name.

13. Now there was a mighty counsellor, called Neil, son of Fergus, who was a great lover of models.

14. And his models told him that everyone would die of the plague unless they stayed locked in their houses, and probably even then.

15. For in the past his models had prophesied unto the world many times, saying that all men should die of fowl pest, or it might be ingrowing toenails, or then again it could be the knee of the housemaid.

The models of Neil prophesy DOOM.

16. So the people listened to the prophecies of Neil, and remained in their houses, hiding under the bed, or in some cases in the deepest dungeons.

17. But then it came to pass that Neil called unto his home another man's wife, and lay with her, although only at a distance of four cubits. For such was the law of the prophets.

18. And the people said, "We have had enough of this man and his models. Let us live dangerously, and open the window."

Continued in Chapter 4.