Television show threatened after star involved in "fracas"

The future of the popular show "Pope Gear", also known as "Catholic Church", was in doubt today, after its star was involved in a "punching incident". According to reports, Jorge Bergoglio aimed a punch at an assistant producer, Dr Alberto Gasparri, after he was rude about his mother.

A scene from "Pope Gear". Jorge test-drives yet another weird car.

This is not the first time that Jorge has been involved in controversy. Many will remember his time in Argentina, when he managed to offend the government by attacking their same-sex marriage bill as a "‘move’ of the father of lies who seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God." Still, most Pope Gear fans supported him over that incident, feeling that his remarks were theologically correct even if not politically correct.

Another stunt. A bus full of bishops races through the streets at 100 m.p.h.

However, nearer to home, Jorge has been associated with a string of gaffes that have been less easy to defend. His use of the term "self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagians" offended many people who did not expect to hear such language on a family show. Then again, some old ladies were upset by his description of the European Union as "A Europe which is now a 'grandmother', no longer fertile and vibrant."

A bad role model? Jorge has been criticised for hardly ever wearing a seatbelt.

The show has also been accused of sexist attitudes by some critics. "Professor" Tuna Buttie (© Faith in our families), Director of the Digby Stuart Research Centre for Health, Money and Life Religion, Society and Human Flourishing, is a long-term critic of "Pope Gear", apparently because its main presenters are male. However, she has never really understood what is expected on the show, and it has been suggested many times that she would be happier with another programme such as Eastenders, where abortion, same-sex relationships and divorce are considered more acceptable.

"Here I am, a professor, and they ask me to teach flower-arranging," complains Tina.

So what of the future? Will Pope Gear continue with another presenter? The late Raymond Burke-Star, the BBC's motoring correspondent and presenter of Tomorrow's World, has been making a comeback recently, with a highly successful UK tour. Will he take over the sedes calida? And if he does, will Jorge start a new show, or join his predecessor in retirement?

Raymond Burke-Star, the thinking man's motorist.

Moveable feasts

Although Catholics in England and Wales are apparently out of step with much of the rest of the Christian world, the Catholic Bishops' Conference has announced new arrangements for the major religious festivals.

And when the time came for Jesus to depart, He said "Let's do it on Sunday instead."

First, as has already been noted by many people, almost everyone - from the Pope downwards - believes that today is Ascension Day. However, the Magic Circle has decided to defer it to Sunday. This is believed to be because there is a highly important football match taking place tonight (Leicester v. Watford), which several bishops are unwilling to miss.

There is also Eastenders: apparently, Roxy finds herself in a dangerous situation when she gets some unwanted attention (a situation in which Vincent Nichols often finds himself).

Today is an unholy day of obligation, when all Catholics much watch Eastenders.

Looking ahead, the CBCEW has announced that Christmas Day has been moved to the nearest Sunday, December 22nd 2013. This will have the advantage that believers will be able to finish their Christmas shopping a few days before everyone else, and spend most of the next two weeks in an alcoholic stupor watching television, like the rest of the country.

Arrangements for Lent have similarly been altered. Ash Wednesday will of course become Ash Sunday (which is so much more convenient for everyone), and Good Friday will also become Good Sunday. There is an obvious technical problem here: thus, the Nicene Creed used in church has been modernised so that it now says that Jesus "rose again on the seventh day in accordance with the Scriptures." Which means in fact that the Bible will also have to be retranslated under the direction of the Magic Circle ("for forty days appearing to them" should have been "forty-three," anyway).

St Luke is persuaded to change "forty" to "forty-three."

The changes have been greeted with enthusiasm in some circles. Said a spokesman for the Tablet: "Ha ha, another kick in the teeth for the Pope! He should know that only religious nutters go to church on any day of the week except Sundays. And thank goodness we all stopped saying our prayers on weekdays, when Vatican II banned such practices!"

Christopher Robin is saying his prayers on a Thursday. What a Traddie reactionary!