Brexodus 20 - Bosis smiteth the Corbynites

Continued from Chapter 19.

1. Thus in the seventh month Bosis became the leader of the Conservatites, and was charged with leading the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

2. And he appointed wise counsellors: Sajidiah the chancellor, Dominic the Raabi as secretary for foreigners, and Priti of Patmos as secretary for homes.

3. And Bosis spake unto the Pharaoh Juncker, saying, "The deal of Maysis is not welcome unto us, and if we must, we shall leave without any deal at all. But in any case, we shall leave on the last day of the tenth month."

4. And straightaway there came the season of holy days, and the members of the House of common people went to the Red Seaside with their buckets and spades, and thought how they might cross it.

The Red Sea.

5. But now many men began to desert the troops of Bosis. These included Ken-neth the clerk, Philip of Ham-mon, Nicho-las the Soamanite, and Amber the ruddy one. These were known as "big beasts", especially Nicho-las.

6. And Bosis said "Hitherto I have chastised ye with whips, but now I shall chastise ye with scorpions." But he had no scorpions, and the big beasts reamined unchastised, without the whip.

7. Moreover, John of Ber-cow, he that was called the speaker, whose every word was "Order! Order!" vowed to stop the Brexodus by fair means or foul. For this is called "impartiality".

8. So Bosis said, "May this for a lark be stuffed, and let us send the members of the House of common people back to the Red Seaside, to a place called Pro-rog, that they thwart me not."

9. But at that time the children of Bri-tain were really being ruled by Judges. Thus, in the courts of the supreme, it was decided that the House of common people must leave Pro-rog, and return to work.

10. And all the people rejoiced, for is not the word of an unelected judge to be preferred above the word of an elected leader?

The judges dress up as tigers in order to frighten Bosis.

11. Now Bosis returned from the Pharaoh with a new deal, and he vowed once again to leave at the end of the tenth month.

12. But, owing to a series of events which are too complex for this book, especially if it is to be read out at Mass when people are thinking of something else, he was unable to leave.

13. For Oliver the Lost One, aided by Ber-cow the speaker, forced Bosis to write to the Pharaoh Juncker and Donald Ivereigh-Tusk, saying "We wish to remain in the land of EUgypt for a bit longer, as we are having such a great time."

14. And Bosis sent the letter, but refused to sign it. Indeed, he sent a second letter, saying, "Please ignore the first letter for I was being tortured when I wrote it."

15. However, the Pharaoh guessed that the first letter was from Bosis, and granted him a few more months of servitude.

Bosis maketh things perfectly clear.

16. In the end the House of common people, having debated for three years on the question of Brexodus, agreed to dissolve itself, and allow the children of Bri-tain to elect new leaders.

17. And Ber-cow vowed to speak no more. Although he was later heard speaking on the visions of Tele.

18. Thus there were four main tribes involved in the election: the Conservatites of Bosis, the Corbynites of Jeremiah (he who hated the children of Israel), the Liberated Democratites of Josephine, and the Scottites of the north, who worshipped a giant sturgeon.

19. So for forty days and forty nights the four tribes put forth their empty promises ("a camel in every home", "handmaidens to satisy your every wish", "a land flowing with milk and honey") to the children of Bri-tain. And the children of Bri-tain threw their words into the burning fiery furnace.

Bosis meeteth his adversaries, including the Count of Binface, at the bridge of Ux.

20. So finally, in the middle of the twelfth month, the people showed their wishes by writing a mighty "X" on the papers of ballot.

21. And, when the votes were counted, it was seen that Bosis had vanquished the Corbynites. Also, Josephine the Democratite was cast into the outer darkness, as were many other famous men, including Chukhas Ur-money and some of the big beasts.

22. Thus Bosis was granted five more years in which to leave the land of EUgypt. If he could.

Continued in Chapter 21.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1.

1. So Cam-aaron urged the children of Britain to remain in EUgypt.

2. And he spake, saying, "Let us send out a letter to every household, telling the people why we should remain in the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh."

3. "But who shall pay for this letter?" asked his brother Bosis. "Wilt thou fund the nine million shekels from thine extensive offshore interests?"

Cam-aaron followeth his offshore interests (fish).

4. "Nay," said Cam-aaron. "I have a better idea. Let the people pay for it themselves!"

5. Thus the Postman of Death came to each household with a letter from Cam-aaron. None escaped, save those who slew a lamb and smeared the blood on their doorposts; which is a form of decoration rarely seen in the fashionable parts of London.

6. Next, Cam-aaron enlisted the help of some old and wise men, Ash-down and Kin-nock, that they might send strange voices into the dwelling places of his peoples, crying "Remain! Remain!"

"You're an absolute shower!"

7. Yet still the children of Britain hardened their hearts, saying, "If Cam-aaron, Ash-down, and Kin-nock are for staying in EUgypt, then surely it is wiser to leave?"

8. Next, there spake forth a devout and holy man called Nichols, he that dressed in garments of red and was considered a prince among holy men.

The holy man protecteth himself againt the perils that are to come.

9. "If we leave EUgypt," said he, "then we shall face complex problems, such as the world has never seen before."

10. "What is more, it may hinder my chances of exchanging my garments of red for garments of white, and of changing my name to Francis the second!"

11. And the Catholicites mocked him, saying, "Hath thine Eminence ever been right about anything?"

12. Finally, out spake Gideon, also known as George, he who was responsible for the treasury, saying, "If ye leave EUgypt, then shall ye become poor, living on the scraps under the rich man's table, where the dogs will come and lick your sores."

"Woe is me. Would that I had remained in EUgypt!"

13. However, the words of Gideon were consumed with a grain of salt, since the Labourites and Libdemites with whom he was allied had spent six long years telling the world how useless his predictions were.

14. Still, in the interests of balance, we must mention that some of the allies of Bosis, they that wished to flee EUgypt, were equally wondrous. For apart from Bosis himself, they included Galloway the cat-impersonator and Fraser the comedy vicar.

15. In the words of the prophet, "Is it not a funny old world?"

Continued in Chapter 3.

The Book of Brexodus

1. And there arose a new king of EUgypt, who set taskmasters over the children of Britain, to afflict them.

2. But God heard the groaning of the children of Britain, and God remembered His covenant with their forefathers, made when EUgypt was simply a common market.

3. Thus there arose two leaders among the children of Britain, whose names were Bosis and Cam-aaron.

Bosis and Cam-aaron play "spot the loony".

4. And Bosis spake, saying, let us leave EUgypt and go our own way. For Cripes! we want the right to obey our own Ten Commandments, rather than obeying the Ten Million Directives imposed by the Pharaoh, whose name is Juncker.

5. However, Camaaron disagreed, saying, I have spoken to the Pharaoh, and he hath promised us mighty concessions. Each day, between the second hour and five minutes after the second hour, our bondage will be lifted. Except when the day endeth in a Y.

6. And the people mocked Camaaron, saying, thou hast achieved nothing, for lo! the Pharaoh's servants Merkel and Hollande stand outside our tents, ready to flood them with aliens, such as the people of the Refugites, the Migranites, and even the Terrorites of Isis. And not a single good plumber among them.

An army of Migranites seeking to invade.

7. And even Corbyn the Clown jeered at Camaaron, saying, what is wrong with slavery and bondage, anyway? I myself quite enjoy being bullied, humiliated, and laughed at, for that is why I became a party leader.

8. Then God smote EUgypt with a series of plagues.

9. For there came a plague of Farogs, which went to the houses, and the bedchambers, and even the drinking-troughs, crying "Brexit! Brexit!"

A Farog cometh to the drinking-trough.

10. And Pharaoh came to Bosis, saying, Take away the Farogs, and I might even let thy people go.

11. But Camaaron spake, saying, I have obtained a wondrous deal, and I shall advise the people of Britain to stay in EUgypt, rather than go into the wilderness.

12. What's more, Bosis is a cad and a traitor unto me, and if we were still at Eton I would smite him behind the bike-sheds.

Continued in Chapter 2

Exodus

So we reach Chapter 2 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who hasn't yet got the hang of it. We started with Genesis, remember.

Our story resumes in Egypt.

In fact I have already been condemned for heresy for not explaining carefully enough about scriptures being divinely inspired, etc., but let's continue to dumb down slightly and get to the story, which is a cracking good read.

Now, we're going to see a lot of miracles in this chapter: burning bushes, plagues, and the parting of the Red Sea, for starters. You atheists are naturally a little unhappy with this: we don't know what the laws of physics actually are, but whatever they are, we mustn't break them. It's a bit like most modern legislation in fact - is it legal to upset a police dog by saying "Miaouw" to it? But I digress...

An upset police dog.

Still, if God exists then He can certainly break the laws of physics. But if He doesn't, then He can't. We'll see more of this later.

Now if you've been paying attention, you'll realise that the Israelites are very important in the Bible, and the first part of Exodus is all about how Moses helps them escape from the dangers of life in Egypt, and head off towards the promised land.

Moses (R) observes the dangers of life in Egypt.

Their way out of Egypt is blocked by water; Moses parts the Red Sea and the Israelites escape. Now, Richard, before you say "Pshaw! An invisible god that we don't understand causing the sea to move. How can that be?" (you were going to say that, weren't you?) let me point out that the tides you take for granted already cause the sea to move by an invisible force - gravity - that we don't understand, even if we have some equations to describe its action.

If I told you that the moon was somehow involved, would you believe me?

Now, Moses is going to have some interesting times in the desert. There's this business of the Ten Commandments, for starters (these will also turn up in Deuteronomy, with a slightly different wording). I'm sure you'd agree with some of them - if you get a reputation for killing, telling lies and stealing they're not going to invite you to prestigious international conferences, are they, Richard? Although if your killing is restricted to young babies, then President Obama will bless you, if that's what you'd like.

Bowing down to worship idols (even rabbits) is also a no-no.

Anyway, God sets up a covenant with Moses and the Israelites. Arguably, this is the third covenant we've seen so far, as there were previous (less detailed) deals cut with Noah and Abraham. However, this is the most significant, and says that if the Israelites behave themselves, then they will be God's special people. Until Jesus comes along to upset the apple-cart, this is what people will be mostly working with.

The rest of Exodus is mainly concerned with constructing a tabernacle, regarded as a place where God can dwell. You're going to have trouble with this, Richard, as obviously if God exists then He is close to us everywhere, but it's useful to have a particular holy place to focus on.

Moses, you will also need a hammer, a Phillips screwdriver, and a lot of faith.

So we're rapidly approaching the end of Book 2 of the Bible, and I think I've picked out some of the more important bits for you. What comes next is Leviticus, in which there's a lot less action, and a lot more in the way of rules and regulations, but let's finish with another action photo from the earlier part of Exodus.

An Egyptian conference on Anura zoology.

Scarlett and purple

Well, I is very worried dat Jessus is annoyed wiv my darlin bruvver Bosco, and dat he have gotta place reserved in de Lake of Fire (which means dat he aint as saved as he thuoght he was). Dis seems a bit unfair, as Bosco is de moddle of Christian virtue, and is always pollite and helpfull when he tries to save uvver people. He once got de Calumny Chappel award for takin de specks out of uvver people's eyes.

So Bosco he went to see Pastor La Sagne at de Calumny Chappel, and said "Jessus told me dat I was saved. Do you fink he's changed his mind? Is it cos we got some scarlett and purple flowers in de garden? In de book of Relevation it says dat means we is de horse of Babbleon."

Dese are de Sattanic flowers, we ripped em up and burnt dem to be on de safe side.

Anyways, we got more plaques infestin de house, as I prophesized. Bosco he says it is just de hot weather and de fact dat we never washes (cos we is already washed in de blud of de Labm). We got lice, den we got flies, and den all de catle dyin. Actaully, we aint got any catle, but I looked up de book of Exeters, and de text says "Behold, de hand of de LORD is upon de catle which is in de field, upon de horses, upon de asses, upon de cammels, upon the oxxen, and upon the sheep". So I fink dat de dead cat wot I found in de gardden mihgt be a sort of catle. But Grate-Anti Moly ate it raw and said it was dellicious, so maybe it only had a mild form of de plaque.

Bosco, I is very worried about scarlett and purple now, as I sees it everywhere. What about dis bird what was flyin over de house? Is it de horse of Babbleon?

Bosco got de plaque

In de Calumny Chappel we often has grate fun readin in de book of Exeters about de plaques of Egpyt, but I is very worried as I fink we has got dem too. It seems dat Jessus is tryin to tell us somefink, and I hope it aint de dread message "Bosco you aint saved. Off to de lake of fire wiv you!"

Actaully I fink it was a mistake of Bosco's to have de nubmer 666 tattoed on his arm, he said it was because Jessus had told him he was de 666th person in de history of de world to be saved. Here is a photo dat proves he got dis tatto.

De plaques started wiv de water turnin to blud. I turned on de tap and out come dis red stuff. Bosco's girlfiend Camila wiv de big teeth, she is delihgted of course (she says it is full of nutrimments). Also, Grate-Anti Moly says dat in Austriala she drinks from billabogs where de water quallity is very simillar, but Bosco and I aint so happy. Luckily after a few hours de water went back to normal, but now we has all got red shirts, cos de washin machine was on.

Dere is also a second plaque of Bosco, dat de Lord has inflicted. So maybe Bosco is like Jobb and dese are test of his great spiritaulity and goodness? Dis second plaque is frogs. Dey is everywhere, in Bosco's studdy where he writes his luvvly bloggs, in de bahtroom, in de beddrooms. We is gettin very tired of eatin "ciusse de grenioulle" (dat's French for frogs legs), and we still has all the rest of de frogs to use up.

Bosco is bearin dis matrydom very well. I hopes we dont get lice next, like in de book of Exeters, as I cant find any recippes for "ciusse de louse", and I fink only Anti Moly would eat dem anyway.

Here is a pitcher of a frogg dat Grate-Anti Moly is keepin as a pet. Dey say pets start to resebmle dere owners, and I fink dey is right.