2013 and all that (part 1)

With apologies to W.C. Sellar and R.J. Yeatman.

Pope Francis, a humble pope.

In 2013 Pope Benedict surprised everyone by resigning as pope and forgetting to die. Thus he was still allowed to wear his white coat, and did not have to be put in a tomb. The cardigans gave him the job of Emergency Pope, and met to choose a successor.

A humble pope, wearing the papal tiara.

Having had a saintly pope (John-Paul II) and a learned pope (Benedict), the cardigans decided try something completely different and choose their pope from Argentina, a man known as General Belgrano. He was strongly supported by the St Gay Mafia, which included Cardigan Dandruff, Cardigan Casper the unfriendly ghost, and Cardigan Comic Mercy-O'Conman.

General Belgrano was known to be a humble man, and indeed his papal motto was NON ESTIS HUMILES, EGO SOLUS HUMILIS, which means "You are not humble, only I am humble." He chose the name Francis in honour of Francis Ford Coppola, the producer of the Holy Father films.

The Holy Father.

One of the first actions of the new pope was to attack the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, who had been behaving too immaculately. Fr Fidelio Volpone was appointed to help them become less immaculate, so he helped them by dismantling the order. When he had done as much damage as possible, Fr Volpone decided that he had achieved his life's ambition, and died.

In the second year of his humble reign, Pope Francis held the first of two Sinners of the Family, which were meetings of bishops who wanted to try out new sins. A very powerful cardigan called Baldacchino was appointed to run these Sinners, and to tell the bishops which new sins they would be encouraged to commit.

Being a humble pope, Francis then decided that it was time to give an equal opportunity of humility to Cardigan Burke: it is said that he was jealous of him because he was an intelligent man who had read the Bible. Cardigan Burke had been a member of the Congratulation for Bishops, which chooses new bishops, but this was too important a post for a humble man, so the Pope told him to look after the Order of Malta instead. As we shall see, this was all part of a devious plan to cause more humiliation for Burke, although this took two more years.

How do you make a Maltese cross? A problem that Pope Francis solved two years later.

Finally, at about this time Francis realised that he had been elected to sort out the problems of the Roman Curious, who were the people who did all the hard work in the Catholic Church. Being a humble pope he identified fifteen disorders from which they suffered, including Spiritual Alzheimer's, Numinous Measles, amd Gnostic Arthritis. However, apart from insulting them as part of his Christmas greetings, he took no further action at that time.

In the next part we meet Loudhailer Si', the 2nd Sinner of the Family, and the Year of Murky.

The arms of a humble pope.

The apparitions of Muddlejorge

It is likely that the Vatican will soon rule on the authenticity of certain apparitions that have manifested themselves to Pope Francis, apparently with the aim of confusing him (hence, "Muddle Jorge"). Since their messages appear to contradict all Catholic teaching, it is likely that they will be declared bogus.

A vision of St Caspar

St Caspar, one of the three Magi, is said to have appeared in a dream to the pope, telling him that divorced homosexuals should be allowed to marry other homosexuals in church - and by the way, the Holy Father should ignore everything that St Balthasar said, because he was "a bit African". It is unlikely that this vision of St Caspar will be authenticated.

Peter ("Cardinal Pell ate my hamster") Saunders

Peter Saunders, the Chairman of the SBGPE (The Society for Blaming George Pell for Everything), is another who pops up regularly with unconvincing pronouncements. It is hoped that he will soon be "moved aside" to a place where poisonous rubbish isn't out of place - so perhaps a career at the Tablet awaits him.

Pope Francis and the late Fr Volpi

Well, De mortuis nil nisi bonum, as the Latin Mass has it, or So, farewell, then, as the modern translation puts it, so we can't say more here. Anyway, we're just off to a champagne party organized by the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate.

But the visions of Muddlejorge are a load of nonsense, aren't they?

The Franciscan Friars of the Filthy

We were privileged to be invited to talk to Fr Sid Polecat, superior of the order Congregatio Fratrum Franciscanorum Spurcae, the Franciscan Friars of the Filthy (FFF). Its sister organization, the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, has been placed under restraint from on high - a moratorium on ordinations, restrictions on EF Mass, exile of some of its members, Fr Fidenzio Vulpine peering through the window and making faces at them, etc. However, in contrast, the FFF has received a papal gold star for good conduct.

Fr Sid.

The FFF cannot in any way be described as a traditionalist group. Unusually for monks, they are a mixed order, with each cell being occupied by one man and one woman; well, some may be occupied by two men, but who am I to judge? In line with the Spirit of Vatican II, their worship consists of the Novissimus Ordo, a form of the Mass which has been specially translated so as to eliminate all references to God, Jesus, Sin, Hell and Confession, let alone those words which so many Tablet readers find difficult such as Consubstantial and Communion. In place of the homily, their Mass features a fifteen-minute excerpt from an improving video, such as Fifty Shades of Grey or Game of Thrones.

Fr Vulpine reassures the Pope that the FFF is as modern as possible.

Unlike modern translations of the liturgy, which unaccountably fail to mention clowns, puppets, liturgical can-cans, and the Grope of Peace - all introduced on an ad hoc basis by more progressive priests - the FFF's own liturgy has these as compulsory parts of the service. Since the Kyrie, Gloria, Credo, etc. were removed there is plenty of space for praising God (or at least Man) in these ways.

In line with their "filthy" label, the FFF spend their afternoons in muddy sports, such as pig-wrestling, Rugby football or jumping into heaps of manure; it was suggested that afterwards they might retire to the mixed baths in order to recapture the spirituality of the Garden of Eden, but in fact the monks and nuns prefer to keep God's Good Soil (or possibly Good Dung) close to their bodies.

A group of spiritual nuns grapples with a pig.

Father Polecat, whose cell is decorated with pictures of his spiritual idols - I noticed Bugnini, Martini, Harriet Harman and Hillary Clinton - is optimistic about the future of the order. "Spiritually-inclined young people, many of whom naturally reject conventional Catholicism as being too focused on Christ, often discover that lounging around, wallowing in mud, and refusing to repress their normal lusts and desires is a very attractive lifestyle. Fortunately, we have friends in high places who agree." Certainly nobody would describe them as self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians, and this may be the key to their success!

How to write a religious blog I

As the author of a very popular religious blog, which on some days achieves nearly 4 hits, I have been asked to give some guidance to those who aspire to similar success.

A good start - but what comes next?

Now, unless you lead a very interesting religious life, nobody is going to be interested in a simple day-by-day diary of what you do. This sort of thing is fine: Enjoying my first Christmas as Pope. Went to midnight Mass, so was quite late to bed. Opened my presents - I had asked Father Christmas for some comic books such as The God Delusion and God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, but all I got was socks. The next morning I gave a blessing to some people in the street outside, then went indoors for a game of Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey with Guido Marini.

Could the brass band stop, please? Catherine Pepinster's been complaining.

This sort of thing (from Malvolio's blog) is not so fine: On Christmas Day I was locked in my garden shed with some bottles of whisky. A man called Sir Topas the Curate stood outside taunting me - I am sure he is a sockpuppet of Eccles. Luckily I was able to use Twitter to harass my enemies.

They say I'll be let out in time for Twelfth Night.

But blogs don't have to be about yourself, especially not religious ones. Many of them pick up on items of religious news: for example the popular Assist-The-Archbishop blog points out numerous examples of blasphemy, heresy and general nastiness which are seen to threaten the orthodoxy of the Catholic church, as personified in this country by Archbishop Vincent Nichols.

For those rejected by the Swiss Guard, there may be a role protecting archbishops.

So this is the sort of thing that Assist-The-Archbishop will warn its readers about:

COMMISSAR VOLPI TELLS FRANCISCAN FRIARS OF THE IMMACULATE "LEARN LITURGICAL DANCING OR IT'S BREAD AND WATER FROM NOW ON."

Headlines such as this will make your blog more interesting.

This one is genuine (from the Daily Mail), but could have been worded better.

Some well-known religious blogs have an inflexible party line, and need to be taken with a bucket of salt. After the twenty-fifth consecutive description of Pope Francis as a PINKO HOMO LIBERAL PERVERT MARTIAN ANTIPOPE on the famous Dealbabor blog, one begins to wonder whether its author is really a great admirer of the Holy Father. Especially since contrary comments are not allowed.

We now come to the more intellectual type of religious blog, which is usually written by a priest. I'm thinking here of Fr Hunwicke's Mutual Endowment Policy or Fr Finigan's Hermetic Continuity. To get the most out of such blogs it helps to have read Populorum Progressio, the works of Ovid, Inter Mirifica, etc. If your knowledge of Catholic doctrine is so hazy that you confuse the Assumption, the Immaculate Conception, the Annunciation, the Ascension and Christmas, then perhaps you should start with something a little less subtle.

The First Noele. Watched by Damian Thompson (R), Noele Gordon is persuaded to sing.

If you plan to write a dumbed-down blog for the masses, perhaps one with occasional references to religion and custard, then you may be able to find a national newspaper to support it. No particular examples spring to mind here.

In Part II we shall look at some further religious blogs, including ecumenical blogs with multiple authors, and of course some eccentric American blogs.

The Latin Mass

A manuscript attributed to the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate.

The Friar asked 
His Superior,
Who spoke to 
The Commissioner:
"Could we please use 
Latin in
The Mass 
That we hold?"
The Commissioner, 
Named Volpi,
Said "No way, 
How dare you?
You may be Friars
Immaculate -
But you'll do just what 
You're told!"

And you can put that skull away, too!

"It's daft," 
Said the Friar,
"We can't have any 
Latin now."
"It's daft," 
Said his Superior,
"You heard what he 
Just said?"
"Look here," 
Said the Commissioner,
"We're giving up the 
Latin tongue.
From now on it's 
Shine, Jesus, Shine and 
Inwood (Paul) instead."

What Pope John-Paul II had in mind for the FFI.

The Friar said, 
"But surely -
The EF Mass is 
Valid still?
I've read 
Summorum Pontificum:
We're told it's  
All O.K."
The Commissioner said 
"Right, mate!
We're closing down 
The seminary.
We're sacking 
The Superior.
You'll do just as 
I say!"

You're fired!

"Gosh!" 
Said the Friar 
As he prayed a 
Fervent Rosary.
"Gosh!" 
Said his Boss, 
As he packed 
His bags.
"Nobody, 
Dear Lord, 
Would call me a 
Fussy man
But I do like a little bit of Latin in my Mass!"

This poem is incomplete, but a possible ending is the following:

There, there! He didn't really mean it.

The Pope said, 
"There, there!
He didn't really 
Mean it."
The Commissioner said 
"Oh Hell!
The Pope thinks 
I was wrong."
The Superior said 
"Ha ha!
Can I have my 
Job back?"
He unpacked 
His suitcase
And he burst 
Into song.

The Friar celebrates.

The Friar 
Was delighted,
When he heard 
His boss returning.
The Friar did
A handstand, 
And said
"Deo Gratias!"
"Nobody," he said,
As he turned 
A cartwheel,
"Nobody," he said,
As he slid down
The banisters,
"Nobody,
Dear Lord,
Could call me
A fussy man -
BUT
I do like a little bit of Latin in my Mass!"

With apologies to A.A. Milne.