The persecution of Cardinal Pell

The witch-hunt against Cardinal Pell, who happened to be in Australia at a time when bad things were going on, continues. Indeed, his worst enemies wanted him dragged back to Australia and tortured, in the hope that he might thereby suffer a heart attack. Now Pell is facing fresh allegations in connection with the notorious "Waltzing Matilda" affair.

A jolly swagman. Could this have been George Pell?

Some time around 1895, a jolly swagman was known to have camped by a billabong under the shade of a coolibah tree. Nothing wrong with that, you may say, except that he grabbed a jumbuck and stuck it in his tucker bag. Later he evaded the law by jumping into the billabong, and was never seen again, except possibly as a ghost.

In vain has Cardinal Pell pointed out that he was not born until 1941, and anyway the "jumbuck" affair took place in Queensland, not Ballarat, Victoria.

Ballarat!

The next attacks on Cardinal Pell are centred on a reference in the Sherlock Holmes story "The Boscombe Valley Mystery":

Sherlock Holmes took a folded paper from his pocket and flattened 
it out on the table. 
“This is a map of the Colony of Victoria,” he said. “I wired to 
Bristol for it last night.” 
He put his hand over part of the map. “What do you read?”
“ARAT,” I read.
“And now?” He raised his hand.
“BALLARAT.”
“Quite so. That was the word the man uttered, and of which his son 
only caught the last two syllables. He was trying to utter the name 
of his murderer. So and so, of Ballarat.”
“It is wonderful!” I exclaimed.
“It is obvious. And now, you see, I had narrowed the field down 
considerably. The possession of a grey garment was a third point 
which, granting the son’s statement to be correct, was a  
certainty. We have come now out of mere vagueness to the 
definite conception of an Australian from Ballarat with a grey 
cloak.”

Do you in fact own a grey cloak, your Eminence grise?

It is clear to many that Cardinal Pell was in fact the Black Jack of Ballarat mentioned in this story. Or else he knew him. All that remains to complete the case is the discovery of his grey cloak: the mere fact that we have not been able to find it proves that Pell must have destroyed it - clear evidence of a guilty conscience.

A kangaroo similar to one that was tied down by George Pell.

Nobody knows what the Australian national anthem is, but everyone agrees that it would make more sense if it were either "Waltzing Matilda" or "Tie me kangaroo down, sport" (it's a pity that the latter was written by Rolf Harris...)

Notoriously, TMKDS was performed by Cardinal Pell at a Vatican Christmas party in 2003, with an extra verse:

Stop me going to Hell, Pell,
Stop me going to Hell.
I’m not feeling too well, Pell,
So stop me going to Hell.

Enemies of Cardinal Pell have seized on this as evidence that he used to tie kangaroos down for sport, although so far no credible evidence has been produced. But it makes you think, eh? No smoke without fire. He's a traddy Catholic. Destroy him!

Pope Francis appoints new advisers

Following the appointment of the "Cardinal from Hell", God-freed Danneels, as a special choice for the 2014 Synod on the Family, Pope Francis has now revealed the names of some more "family experts" who will be attending the 2015 Synod with the rank of Cardinal, in order to interpret the will of the Holy Spirit.

Kasper lookalike, Cardinal John.

Cardinal John is known to be an expert on the family, having been married to both a woman and a man at various times. In addition, he is revered for the miracle of the motherless babies. Owing to his quiet and reclusive nature, little is known about him, but our extensive researches on Google have revealed that he is interested in music.

Cardinal Dawkins, the world's oldest teenager.

Although not a Catholic in the traditional sense, it is fair to say that Cardinal Dawkins is inspired by the Spirit of Vatican II, showing that it is possible to be a Catholic without tying oneself down to any particular beliefs. His writings are said to have made more Catholic converts than the entire Bishops' Conference of England and Wales, although he is also known for his sympathetic study of Islam, F*** off, Mohammed, you never won a Nobel Prize! A zoologist, theologian, poet and clown, he has strong views on the morality of allowing children with Down's syndrome to live.

Cardinal Harris, a more controversial choice.

Since Cardinal Harris is currently behind bars for indecent assault, Pope Francis believes that he offers a unique perspective on family life. It may be thought that such a person should not be a cardinal, let alone an adviser to synods, but they said that about Cardinal Danneels too. By giving Cardinal Harris Vatican citizenship, and arranging for his deportation to Rome, Pope Francis hopes that he will entertain the Synod with his famous song "Tie me cardinal down, sport!"

Cardinal Fry adopts a young lad.

No public event would be complete without the presence of Stephen Fry, and as we speak, the organizers of the Arundel and Brighton 50th anniversary festival are keeping him in reserve in case Fr Timothy Radcliffe can't make it - very few people can tell the difference between their views. It is true that Cardinal Fry has condemned Catholics - sometimes in obscene tones - but this sort of language is very similar to what was used at the 2014 Synod when the microphones were switched off. Definitely someone to bring Catholic teaching into the 21st century.

The Pope takes a plane

On behalf of Pilot Pontius and his crew we'd like to welcome you all to our flight from Tel Aviv to Rome. Please take your places as soon as possible, and fasten your seat belts. Place all personal items either in the luggage racks or under the seat in front of you.

I'm hoping my briefcase will fit under the seat in front of me.

For those Anglican priests travelling with us as observers, please be aware that you are not allowed to have 39 articles with you in the cabin, and 38 of them will be placed in the hold.

Once we have taken off and the captain has switched off the seat-belt sign, the Pope will be coming round with a selection of off-the-cuff remarks and brand new dogmas. Today we have some confusing comments about priestly celibacy and remarried divorcees; unfortunately the Pius XII beatification kit is still unavailable, and frankly, barring a miracle, we don't expect to see it soon.

The Pope's "clean-up" campaign starts here.

We're now ready for the safety demonstration. In case of a mighty rushing wind and tongues of fire, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. In case of landing on water, there is an inflatable chasuble under your seat, although some passengers may prefer to dispense with this and walk on the water instead.

"It's not by Rolf Harris, is it?"

---

There has been some debate on the nature and meaning of the Pope's reference to his own gestures, whether spontaneous or pre-planned, authentic or inauthentic. It is hoped that the author of the Pope Francis Little Book of Insults will soon delight us with the Pope Francis Little Book of Gestures.

Learn how to tell this...

... from this!

Bad Hymns 24

The Judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are delighted to welcome "R.H.", the 18th-century author of "Jesus Christ the Apple Tree". So, R.H., you published this hymn in London's Spiritual Magazine, although only under your initials?

Apple trees have long been a source of inspiration.

RH: Yes, I felt that anonymity was safest here, in case people started mocking my song. It was later published in Joshua Smith's hymnal.

E: Well, I'm about 200 years late, but I got to it in the end. I don't suppose that R.H. stands for Rolf Harris? The song has that sort of ring to it: perhaps an accompaniment with a didgeridoo or a wobble board would make it seem less silly?

These didgeridoo virtuosi also used the Apple label.

RH: No, not Rolf Harris.

E: Well, onto the song:

The trees of nature fruitless be
Compared with Christ the apple tree.

Calling Christ an apple tree isn't very Biblical, is it?

RH: Well, there are apple trees in the Song of Songs (Song of Solomon), Eccles.

E: A bit far-fetched, Rolf. Still, resting under the tree, and eating its fruit, do tie in well with general Christian doctrine, IF you interpret Christ as an apple tree.

RH: I wrote another verse, all about drinking cider and falling over under the apple tree, but the Spiritual Magazine cut it out.

There's too much cider in my cup,
I need someone to pick me up.
Since I can't stand right now, Lord, see
Me doze beneath the apple tree.

Ooh, arr, we appreciates the fruit of an apple tree.

E: That was probably best. Moreover, apples have cosmetic uses, so I've written an extra verse for you:

My skin is wrinkled, full of spots,
But luckily I now get lots
Of vitamins, A, B and C,
In lotion from the apple tree.

Er, I left out Christ, as I am still not sure that He really has much to do with this hymn.

RH: Thanks, Eccles. Shall we contact the Spiritual Magazine? They may like to publish a new edition of my words.

E: Didn't it merge with the Tablet? Ah no, it's probably turned into this:

Spiritual journalism.

RH: Well, thank you very much, Eccles.

E: My pleasure, Rolf.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.    The Galilee song.    The perfect face.

De Voyage of St Eccles, Chapter 3

1. And an Angle spake unto Eccles, saying, "Dis sagga of thine is taking a long time to finish off. Thou willst miss the deadline for de new editoin of de Bibble."

2. "What is I to do?" asked Eccles. "De love life of mine Ant is too complex to be resolved so easily."

3. "Perhaps thou couldst rewrite it for de new editoin of de Korran?" said de Angle. "It could be de story of Anti Mullah, wot goes to Mecka to find de Imam El-Pell. If thou dressest thine Anti in a Burker, den she will not frighten de children so much."

Moly-ben-Dite as she ain't often seen

4. "Nay," saith Eccles. "For I doesnt fink de Musslims is saved. Anyway, strong drink is condemned by Isslam, and my Anti cannot do wivvout it. We will continue as we has started." And it was so.

 5. So she that is called Moly-ben-Dite saith unto de blessed Eccles, "Let us attend the service dat mine beloved Goerge doth conduct for de Easter Viggil. Perchance, Eccles, we couldst disgiuse ourselves as alter servers, dat we may carry de candels into de Cathedral? Den, at de crittical moment, I may hit mine belloved over de head wiv de Pascal Candel, and screem 'Libbertine! Don Jaun! Cassanover! Nick Cleg!'" And she nameth some of de gratest lovers in history.

6. And it was so. De blessed Eccles and his somewhat less blessed Anti didst robe demselves in de white graments of holliness.

7. And dere came a grate processoin into de Cathedral of Sidney. Dere was de famuous Monsinger Rolf Harris, de Dame Edna Average (wot aint reely a woman, so it's OK), even de famous Spin Blower, Farver Shane Worn. All was dressed in de white graments of holliness.

Farver Shane givvin de blessin

8. And in de processoin was concealed Eccles and Moly.

9. And Cradinal Pell spake unto de mulltitudes, sayin, "G'day, cobbers, here we got de Pascal Candel, cos it's Easter. Cor, chase my pet wombat up a coolibar tree, it's dat crazy woman from Pottymouth..."

10. And Lo, Moly hurled de Pascal Candel at de Cradinal, dat it might come to pass wot was written in de book of Relevatoin Chapter 2, Verse 5, I come to thee, and will move thy candlestick out of its place, except thou do penance.

A dangerous waepon in de wrong hands

11. And de costume holly man fled at de sihgt of de wrathful old lady, sayin, "Canst thou direct me to de nearest billybong?"

12. For in the days of his youth, so men say, he had fled de pursuin hag by jumpin into de billybong, where no man durst follow.

13. And Eccles said unto his Anti, "Let us deppart from hence and return to Pottymouth. Dem Cathlics aint to be trusted, anyways." So they departed.

14. Here endeth de book of de voyage of St Eccles.

De Austrialan serenad

We is still bein pestered at nihgt by an Austrialan serenadin my Anti Moly. Last night she frew a bucket of plattypus suop over him, and he ran away leavin de words of his luv song behind. So I is typin dem in now, but I aint got time to correkt de spellin.

Tie Mo-lybdenite down, Sport,
Tie Mo-lybdenite down.
She's just melting right down, Sport,
So tie Mo-lybdenite down.

Smash her PC with a brick, Nick,
Smash her PC with a brick,
She's getting on everyone's wick, Nick,
So smash her PC with a brick.

Take her bottles away, Ray,
Take her bottles away,
She's been drinking all day, Ray,
So take her bottles away.

Put my Auntie to bed, Fred,
Put my Auntie to bed.
The blogging's gone to her head, Fred,
So put my Auntie to bed.

Anti hopes dat it is Cradinal Pell come to serenad her, but I got some duobts here.

---

My bruvver Bosco is very concerned about de worship of a Cathlic iddle called Saint Claws, wot we is seeing everywhere right now. Evil-lookin chap, aint he?

But some poeple worshipp de pius, saintly, good pollite St Cuttley instedd - for example, here's a pitcher of a Cathlic monk worshippin a scared rellick of de famuous novellist.

Bosco explaned to Anti Moly dat Cathlics fink it is puffectly normal to take rellics from saints. She was finkin of goin to Englland wiv a pair of scisors to cut off a lock of Cuttley's beuatiful hair; or maybe he can be persuadded to spare a bon or two if she takes her chane saw wiv her.

---

Meanwhile, Farver Arfur is still very worried dat Richard Dakwins may come and arrest him. So when he goes out to do cosstume holly man fings he has to wear a disgiuse. Here he is rellaxin in our house. In order to blend in wiv everyone else he is bein very cunning and readin de newspapper.

De Moly Cod

My Grate-anti Moly is a keen debater on bloggs, but when she loses de argumment she often shouts out ROFL! I fought at first dat it was just de dreaded Roflitis illness dat she got (when I comes into her room, she is often rollin around on de floor like a large black barrel), but now I realise dat what she means to say is ROLF, it is a coded cry for help to anuvver famuous Austrialan what used to be a boyfreind of hers, when Cradinal Pell ran away to become a cosstume holly man.

Rofl is 81, so he is still a bit yuonger dan Anti Moly, but dey was grate pals about 50 years ago. Howevver, I has to deny de wicked rumuors dat dey had any kids togetther, and dat dere is a grandson livin in Brisbain. When de Queen visitted Austriala a few months ago, dere was a very rude man wot showed his bottom to de Queen (she describbed it as an "Anus Horribilis"), and de specullation was dat he was Anti's granddson. Since she dennies dis strenously, we has to give her de bennyfit of de duobt.

Meanwhile, we is bein kept awake at nihgt by de suonds of "Tie me kagnaroo down, spot," and "Waltzing Mattilde," from someone serenadin outside Anti Moly's window. We aint sure whevver it is Rofl Harris or Cradinal Pell, but anyway Anti frew a bucket of water over him and he went away. As you see from dis pitcher, Cradinal Pell is tryin to introduce tradditoinal Austrialan music to de Pop, so he is also a susspect.

After we heard Anti Moly singin "Tan my hide when I'm dead, Fred" round de house, Bosco and me went to de local leather shop and asked if dey cuold do us a good deal on our Grate Anti. Dey is gonna come back to us wiv an esstimate. Wiv skin like hers dere probabbly aint much to do.

Farver Arfur has sent a letter to de Pop, sayin dat it wuold be good to open a branch of de Inquisitoin in Callifornia, and while he is visitin us he wuold be verry happy to torcher poeple in de name of de Lord (but if de Pop dont mind, he prefers to torcher traddy Cathlics, after readin out to dem a long list of dere sins, especailly all de bad fings dey has said).

Arfur is still hidin in our house, in case Dakwins comes to arrest him, and he has been convertin a spare room into a torcher chabmer. He finks de Pop will be impressed by his enthusiams.