Westminster Abbey becomes a mosque

As reported by the Anglican writers Cranmer and Ruth Gledhill, Westminster Abbey has been moving steadily Mecca-wards, with prayers describing Mohammed as a "prophet" - without the usual adjective "false" - and "the chosen one" - about which Christ might have had something to say. However, all is now explained with the news that Westminster Abbey is to be converted into a mosque. From now on the Dean should be referred to as Imam John Halal, er, Hall, although he will now have the option of choosing a more Islamic name, such as Abu Hamza, George Galloway, or simply Jihad John II.

Westminster Mosque, before some necessary alterations.

It is expected that Imam John will call the faithful to prayer every morning by shouting some suitable message from one of the towers of the mosque. Suggestions here include yelling the great religious hymn "If I were a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I'd thank you Lord for my fuzzy wuzzy hair" at bemused passers-by, or possibly a simple message of invitation such as "There are tea and halal biscuits being served in the Giles Fraser Chapel." Since Westminster Abbey will be a "Liberal Muslim" mosque, we do not expect to see any signs of radical Islam, although the Teenagers' Radicalization Group will continue to meet on Wednesday evenings. Indeed, Canon Jane Sinclair will continue as a "Lady Imam", although naturally she will need to wear a burkha.

Will Vincent Nichols follow suit at Westminster Cathedral, which already resembles a mosque?

It is thought that the explanation for the change from Anglican (well, originally Catholic) Abbey to Islamic mosque may be linked to the promise from Labour leader Ed Miliband that "Islamophobia" will be made a crime if he wins the forthcoming general election. Christians, of course, enjoy no such protection.

Fighting against Islamophobia!

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This week's brain-teaser: a homosexual couple goes to a Muslim baker's demanding a "same-sex wedding" cake. When the Muslim proprietor refuses, they sue him. Is he guilty of homophobia, or are they guilty of Islamophobia?

He was the People's Despot

So there we are then. The grim reaper has come for King Abdullah ibn Abdilaziz Al Saud of Saudi Arabia (if he had been called Al Fred, then the country would be Fredi Arabia, of course).

At this time it is only right to call on Tony Blair to lead the tributes, and he has not let us down. "He was loved by his people and will be deeply missed." Somehow Tony forgot the bit about the People's Despot, but maybe that will come later. Elton John's "Candle in the Sand" is also due, once his tribute to Charlie Hebdo is complete.

Tony, I'm taking you to the Royal Floggerdrome this evening!

Meanwhile, Westminster Abbey flies its flag at half-mast in memory of this great champion of Christian virtues: faith, hope, love, with a bit of flogging, stoning, and decapitation on the side. For this tribute we must thank the Dean, the Very Reverend John Hall. As for Canon Jane Sinclair, Canon Steward of the Abbey, well, she can get back in the kitchen and shut up, if she doesn't want a good flogging! Women!!

The abbey is a "Royal Peculiar", and this is one of its more peculiar days.

King Abdullah is mourned by his 14 wives and 18 children. Already it is being said that what finished him off was being described as a "rabbit" by Pope Francis. His half-brother Salman has taken over, and has promised to continue the rapid march towards democracy, provided that he doesn't have to cut down on the flogging, stoning, and decapitation.

King Salman ibn Abdilaziz Al Saud (memo: check this).

A hymn I particularly like is "Hail to the Lord's Anointed," with words by James Montgomery. We don't often sing this verse, although it is excellent theology:

Arabia's desert ranger to Him shall bow the knee;
The Ethiopian stranger His glory come to see;
With offerings of devotion ships from the isles shall meet,
To pour the wealth of oceans in tribute at His feet.

Anyway, assuming that the words are accurate, King Abdullah had better hope that his arthritis isn't playing up now, as he has some emergency knee-bowing to get on with.

Louise Mensch is less than "deeply saddened".

Actually, I don't think I can stand any more of these tributes. If I see any more I'll send them to Private Eye. They have a Sauds' Corner, don't they?

Grieving Saudis mourn their king.