This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Church of England casts the net wider

The CNC is apparently unable to reach a decision on who to recommend as the next Archbishop of Canterbury: all the obvious candidates are either too traditional, too liberal, too evangelical, in favour of women bishops, against women bishops, writers of dreadful blogs, known clowns from Thought for the Day, in favour of same-sex marriage, against same-sex marriage, too black, too white, Arsenal supporters, Manchester United supporters, in the habit of sniffing too much, adenoidal, too fat, too bearded, or otherwise ruled out. Or if not, their wives are.

Accordingly the CNC has cast its net a little wider, and now it finally has a list of two nominees who are not Anglicans in the traditional sense.

Abu Hamza

Abu Hamza (often mistaken for Richard Chartres)

Widely regarded as a safe pair of hands hooks, Abu Hamza is just the person to bring a breath of fresh air to the CofE. Likely to be welcomed by many in the Muslim community. Only snag: do the people of Lambeth and Canterbury want to be woken at dawn by a voice crying "Ayeeeeeeee... Death to the Infidel. Ayeeeeeeee..." (Previously they were woken by the bleat of an "Ayeeeeeeee... I do think it is most valuable for us to be able to have dialogue with Richard Dawkins. Ayeeeeeeee..." from Rowan Williams.)


Yoda of the Jedi, this is

Yoda is claimed by some malicious people to be merely a puppet and not a religious figure at all, but then the same accusation has been levelled at people such as Giles Fraser, so this is not supposed to be a disadvantage. He is said to have Prince Charles's ear - and indeed the church's future primate and supreme governor do both seem to have hearing apparatus in the "XXXL" size. One snag: seems to have unfashionable views on Good and Evil, which may upset the General Synod. Will his comment "When you look at the dark side, careful you must be ... for the dark side looks back" return to haunt him? Will it put paid to any hopes of a merger with the Church of Satan?


With Hallowe'en fast approaching, why not get yourself a Damian Thompson horror mask?

Be the blood-crazed life and soul of the party, as you impersonate one of Britain's leading comic characters! Strike terror into your friends, as they think you are about to bore them silly with your anecdotes about Mrs Gladys Mills! Watch them hastily hold in their stomachs, fearing that you might write a blog post about their weight problems!

Better still, wear it at Mass, and watch the priest hastily cross himself and sprinkle you with holy water!

Available from all good joke shops. Banal opinions on music, literature and politics supplied separately.


  1. Jadis may be having nightmares as a result of the bearded baby in the previous post, but I think I am going be haunted by that horror mask.

  2. Approached I was to be ++Cantuar, but declined I had to.

    Appointing me there would be like granting a Chair of Zoology

    To an elephant.

  3. The C of E should get with the program and worship mammon so I suggest anyone from Barclays will do. One of their reps rang me up and offered me a loan. I told the young buck that I was actually more solvent than his entire bank and would he like me to lend him some money. I was then informed that as I was an account holder already there was need to do that as they would take it from me anyway and that the purpose of his call was to make the theft official. I was impressed by his good manners.