This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 28 October 2013

Eccles and his sockpuppets

Brilliant detective work has at least revealed that Brother Eccles is a master of sockpuppetry. In addition to running 500 Twitter accounts - his ambition is to run the whole of Twitter single-handed - he also manages to write 200 different blogs on (mostly) religious subjects.

puppets for Jesus

A Vatican-approved guide to puppetry.

Here are examples of some of the blogs that Eccles maintains. You will notice that they all have exactly the same style.

carrying a donkey

The Eccles Catholic donkey blog.

Today I took Vincent, the most troublesome of my 24 donkeys, on a walk to the Bar Moli in Finestrat, where we shared a bottle of gin to celebrate the feast of St Jude. Unfortunately, he was unable to walk home again, so I had to carry him back. Then when we got home, he logged onto Twitter and started insulting random people. I should never have given him his own computer.

Chaplin in shed

The Eccles paranoid Chaplain blog.

What people don't realise is that deacons are priests. So priests should stop feeling superior to us. You wouldn't let me into your Superior Clergy Club, would you? Even though I made myself a biretta. What's more I don't want to hear anything from mothers who stay at home with babies. I'm a mother too, you know. Well, a father. And I stay at home all weekend. Except when I go out. I hate you all, especially the puppetmaster Eccles.

St Joan on a bike

St Joan Blogger.

Hello, everyone, this is Auntie Joan, the writer, biographer, historian, poet, humourist, Olympic cyclist, brain surgeon and Renaissance woman. Auntie has had a very exciting week, as Pope Francis phoned her up to ask if she had any advice to give him on how to write encyclicals. Auntie told him, "Write everything in the third person, as it produces a vibrant prose style." Auntie is taking part in a discussion with Pope Francis on Vatican Radio soon, and she will make every effort to prevent the Holy Father from saying anything embarrassing - that should be easy, because he probably won't be able to get a word in edgeways!

The Eccles "Holy Smoke" blog.

Maria Joao Pires

Maria João Pires - found herself playing Mozart's 4th horn concerto.

Take a look at this ancient video that someone sent me. It shows the pianist Maria João Pires in a terrible dilemma. She was expecting to play a Mozart Piano Concerto with the Amsterdam Concertgebouw, but when the orchestra started, she found that they were playing his 4th Horn Concerto. Resourceful to the last, she grabbed a French horn from a member of the orchestra, and gallantly blew her way through the concerto. Said the orchestra member, a Mr Flanders, "I've lost that horn - I know I was using it yesterday. I've lost that horn, lost that horn, found that horn ... gorn."

The same thing happens to me sometimes. I have prepared an in-depth article on custard for the Telegraph, when the editor comes to my desk and says, "Damian! It's Catholicism this week." Being an experienced journalist, I take out my blue pencil, change all the references to custard, add something about the impending murder of the Nuncio, and - voilà! - in 5 minutes I have the piece that I was asked for.

Pope and Swiss guard

The Protect-the-Eccles Pope blog.

The Tablet ludicrously misreports Bishop Conry's meeting with ACTA to discuss their recommendation of abortion as a human right, in an attempt to ban the Bible in all English dioceses, while Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor's refusal to attend a SHAG week in Rome sends out mixed signals to Enda Kenny, according to the BBC.

Protect-the-Eccles Comment: Phew! This one's too much for me.

Cottingley fairies

The Hermit of Cottingley blog.

The autumn colloquium of the British Province of the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy was very well attended, but some delegates found that it was disruptive to hear cries of "Let me in, I'm a deacon!" outside the window, as we sang Gregorian chants in the bar at night. From now on, the Confraternity has agreed to admit deacons as well, except for ones who are obviously insane.

See? All these well-regarded blogs were really by Eccles, all along.


  1. Darling eccles, is it time to confess you is me, or am I you. or are we both the wabit? Is this a clever quadruple bluff, or is there a passing bottle-nosed dolphin who could take her nose out of bottle for a moment ? xx Jess

  2. Dear Sir,

    On behalf of all sockpuppets (Including Socks Made of Mixtures of Cotton and Wool, Man-Made Fibres, and Odd Sock-Pairs of a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transexual Orientation) I would like to draw your readers' attention to the way sockpuppets (ISMMCWMMFOSPLGBTO) are continually denigrated by mad deacons, drunken dolphins, eastend prigs, Telegraph hacks, and peripheral Catholic journalists and academics,

    These people show no appreciation for the hard work and unsocial hours put in by sockpuppets (ISMMCWMMFOSPLGBTO) nor any understanding for the way they have to put up with continual abuse from the blogging public,

    I would like to point out that we have now organised ourselves into the General Union of Sockpuppets (ISMMCWMMFOSPLGBTO) and Allied Aliases. All future denigration of sockpuppets (ISMMCWMMFOSPLGBTO) as being inferior to real people will invite legal action under European rights legislation, and bullying of sockpuppets (ISMMCWMMFOSPLGBTO) or saying rood and norty things about them should be seen henceforth as a sign of political incorrectness and reported to the police at Sockland Yard,

    Len McPisshead
    General Secretary
    Jacuzzi Towers, Tunbridge Wells

    "Not a penny of our subs go to the Labour Party until Miliband admits he is a sockpuppet" (TUC Congress motion 2235B, 2012)

  3. That explains why you had to shut the comments off on the "Hermit of Cottingley". Ever since Tony's cronies started besieging "Proteccles the Pope", moderation there must have been a full time job. I look forward to your next tweet as Pontifeccles, but I would give up doing the walks around Westminster on a Wednesday, as Mulier Fortis lives near there, when not looking after the donkeys in the beach-hut with a bottle of Petrus. She might blow your cover, for not mentoining her as a savd puppet.

  4. The comments are getting far too long. They come from shameless upstagers trying to outdo you Eccles. They will never succeed. You're on another plant.
    I feel biretta after saying that!

    1. No probblem, bruvver Leon, as I writes all de comments under my blogg myself.

    2. You does not write all de comments under you blogg, only I writes all de comments under you blogg.

    3. But since any fule kno that you are pupsockets of one anuvver, doesn't it amount to the same thing? (Or something. My brain hurts.)

    4. We is not popsuckits of one anuvver, only you is popsuckits of one anuvver. Now does your brain hurt more, or less?

    5. It's explodded under the strain. Which probbably means it now hurts less, thakns - at least until I put it back togehter again. (Glad to have all these thigns explaned to me clearly.)

    6. Meanwhile, in other news, I am greatly concerned that Eccles is allowing only 793 more days for voting in his crucial "Is you saved?" poll. Isn't he concerned that, with the current state of the postal service, this time-limit may have the effect of disenfranchising a number of legitimate postal voters – and probably an even greater number of illegitimate ones? There are, after all, plenty of illegitimates around in the blogosphere, as we know all too well.

  5. U is all Eccles.

    Only I is not Eccles.

  6. A certain British tabloid - the Specula Diurna - with help from the NSA, will reveal the true identity of Eccles.

    Word is he is actually Angla Murkle – the Über SockaPuppa.

  7. Darling eccles, as we is all sock puppets of Mr Rabit, is we allowed to admit it? Xx Jess

    1. Dis was de brillaint theory of Micky Ross de mollusc-lover and Phil Evans de braney poppet-master. Dey will be so pleased to know dey was right all along.

  8. Why is de optoin "Only I is savd" missnig from de pol ?