This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Stonewall visits a Catholic School

And now over to St Mary's School, where Fred Flintstone of Stonewall, the organization which knows all about bullying Catholics, has come to explain bullying.

Fred Flintstone bullying

Fred Flintstone knows all about bullying.

Now, Kristin, I understand that you are a victim of homophobic hate-crime, because Tony said your shoes were "gay"?

gay shoe

A "gay" shoe. Note how Kristin hides her face in embarrassment.

Yes, Fred. It's a real problem for me: my shoe would be happiest if paired with another left-foot shoe, but I am forced to match it with a right-foot shoe.

And what would happen if you bought another left-foot shoe?

Well, I tried that, but it didn't fit, and I kept falling over.

sports day

Problems in the 100 metres event for people with two left-foot shoes.

Well, this is a typical case. Now, children, there is one way to deal with anyone who expresses a different opinion to you. Do you know what it is? Yes, Eric?


Well done, Eric. If you scream "Bigot!" this shuts down all further debate, and you don't need to come up with any other arguments. Now, I want as many of you as possible to grow up as Catholics in happy same-sex relationships, so we're going to show you how much fun that can be.


A happy couple from Stonewall

You see, when two men love each other, what they do is they go out into the countryside and build a stone wall together. Well, I'll be telling the over-9s a little bit more about this later - for example, how to place your stones together in an intimate conjunction - but that will do for now. If you have any further questions, do ask your local archbishop.

Peter Smith

Archbishop Peter Smith demonstrates an essential piece of stone-walling equipment.


  1. Dear Eric, You can also scream "Fascist"; "Neo-Fascist"; "Nazi" and "extremist right-wing neo-conservative Taliban intergriste!"

  2. If I were the head teacher of St Mary's, I'd be bricking it.

  3. A good moment to point out how unfashionable heterosexuals can embarrass their vocations directors in Southwark.

    "How are things going for you at the Beda College," I was asked. I replied that all was going swimmingly well, except I found it most uncomfortable being surrounded by camp homosexuials talking about each other and everyone else in a vicious manner in the college bar.

    "Never talk to me about your fellow students in that way again," said Father Stephen. End of pastoral problem.

  4. And in other news: the shepherd invited the wolf into the fold to discuss ovine attitudes to wolves. “We’re really nice people when you get to know us”, said the wolf. “Trust me on this.”

  5. That snake and Satan sure got a bum rap in de Bibble, eccles - dat king Kung will confirm as much xx Jess

  6. No good talking to my local Archbigot as he hates traddies; so does the Presbygoter.

  7. I thought the black & white photo was slaying in the spirit from a charischismatic prayer meeting.