Olé smoke!

Several priests have written to me, saying, "Eccles, how can I make a spectacle of myself in church, like José Planas Moreno, the flamenco-dancing priest, and thus bring the congregations flocking back to Mass? So far I have made the mistake of emphasising controversial notions such as God and Jesus, and it simply isn't getting the punters in."

The Credo, a key part of the Mass.

Well, Father F (or Z, or R, or whoever you are), there are various ways in which priests can focus the attention of the congregation onto themselves, and away from the Almighty (who, after all, gets quite a lot of attention already). For example, in 1937, Harold Davidson, the former Rector of Stiffkey, displayed himself in a cage with a lion called Freddie, which eventually killed him. So, dear Father P (or B), we don't recommend this strategy. Similarly, liturgical bullfighting, even in the Malaga area, is still at an experimental stage, and is not yet a standard part of modern worship.

Warning: lions are like bishops - they bite!

No, the future definitely lies in dancing. It started with liturgical can-cans, and continued with Kate Bottley, the dancing vicar, now hotly tipped to be the first female bishop in the church of England. Dancing has now been taken up by those Catholic priests who find the general idea of worshipping God a little too dull.

Sursum Genua (Let's have a knees-up!)

Let's conclude with another picture of the man they call Fr Pepe: note the quiet dignity which which he explains the hermeneutic of continuity in the context of Pope Benedict's 2005 speech to the Roman Curia, firmly rejecting the hermeneutic of discontinuity and rupture that has upset so many orthodox Catholics.

Take your partners for the Agnus Dei!

We are not sure who the lady in yellow biting her nails is: probably just an altar server modelling the latest in hot-weather vestments.

How to keep the Pope busy

A leaked Vatican memorandum has come our way.

To: Cardinal Gerhard Müller, Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith.
From: Alfred Xuereb, first private secretary of Pope Francis.

Could you sign the excommunication order for Enda Kenny, Holy Father?

Your Eminence,

Thank you for your memorandum expressing concern that the Holy Father may have too much time on his hands, which is why he has got into the habit of phoning up random Catholics for a chat. Following your advice, we are proposing a full programme of activities to keep him busier. Here are some ideas:

1. Canonizations. The recent ceremony was very popular, and succeeded in winding-up the non-Catholics as well as the Tablet paper. We propose some more high-profile canonizations, possibly including Pope Pius XII, Grand Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada, Pope Alexander VI, and Pontius Pilate. The resulting controversy should keep the Pope fully occupied.

Nobody expects Cardinal St Ximénes de Cisneros!

2. Excommunications. We have received petitions for the excommunication of Hans Küng, Tina Beattie, Tony Flannery, Enda "Enda Life" Kenny and Bishop Michael Campbell (this last one may be a misunderstanding, but we will appoint a "God's Advocate" to look into the question, all the same).

Oh yes, I'm a pious Catholic, Holy Father!

3. Travel. Pope Francis is not such a good traveller as Pope St John-Paul II was, but we should be able to pack him off to a few exciting places.

Pope Francis has expressed an interest in riding on a tram in Croydon.

4. If all else fails, we will suggest to the Pope that he release some more symbols of peace. We haven't had much luck with doves, but he could try sending out creatures such as wild boar, alligators and tigers into the streets of Rome: they can probably take care of themselves.

Pope Benedict releases a "lion of peace".

Anyway, all further suggestions will be gratefully received. At present Pope Francis spends a lot of time in front of the television, gloomily watching re-runs of The Two Marinis, and it can't be good for him.

It's "Ite, missa est" from me - and it's "Ite, missa est" from him!

Happy Birthday, Cardinal

Cardinal Godfried Danneels of Belgium turned 80 this week, on Tuesday, June 4th, and we are happy to celebrate his life and achievements here. H/T to Protect the Pope for some relevant information for our little tribute.

Danneels, in the lions' den, addresses a gay pride.

Godfried Danneels has shown sympathy with the "equal marriage" campaign, and firmly rejects Jesus's views that marriage is something involving a man and a woman of opposite sexes. "How can a man not identify with his orientation?" he says. Cardinal, do you really need basic Christianity explained to you?

Which orientation shall we go for today? Hetero- Homo- Bi- Trans- A- or Pan-?

Danneels also says that the French should stop protesting about "gay marriage," and thinks that "The Church has never objected to the fact that there is a sort of 'marriage' between homosexuals." It is not clear what church he is referring to, but clearly it is not the Catholic Church.

Stop protesting? Mais nous sommes français! C'est notre sport national!

Anyway, the Catholic Church in Belgium is truly grateful to you, Cardinal, for all you have done over the years. It now feels more "God-freed" than ever before, as church attendance and pastoral vocation have almost entirely fallen away.

Brussels sprouts - nearly as unpopular as Brussels priests.

Ocult cymbals

I is gonna interupt my account of de plaques dat is inflictin my dere bruvver Bosco, because he have drawn my atention to a new menace... ocult cymbals!

Dey is evrywhere. Look at dis one. I seen it on my computter, perhaps its a virrus sent by Sattan.

Note dat it is full of mysstic cymbalism. It got de cross in the middle of 4 squares. De cross is a blasphemous thing wot leads Cathlics into iddletory, dey kisses it. Note also de XP, dat's Greek, it's de first letters of Christ, Bosco tells me. You sees it in some churches, but dey is blashpeming, takin de name of de Lord in vane. I was told dat dis cymbal means windows. Ha ha, I sez. You cant see frew four colored bits of glass, so dat's reely a cymbal wot means OK buster we is not lettin any lihgt frew, so you aint saved.

Dis one is a Brittish coin. Note dat in de Episstle of Peter, de Devil is describbed as a roarin lion seekin who he may devuor. (So is Anti Moly, but dat aint de point rihgt now.) It just goes to show dat de Brittish is enslaved by Sattanic forces, and even de people in de Royal Mint is servants of de Evil One. Why dey has even put a crown on de lion's head to show dat he is de king. Probbably dey is Cathlics, noboddy else would worhsip a lion.

Finally, dis example is proof dat de Telegrahp is takin us back to de dark ages wiv a caballistic loggo. Bosco explaned dis to me, dat if you looks at it carefully you sees a crecsent, which is de cymbal of Isslam. I fink de T stands for Thopmson. He's a well-known Cathlic (he claims to have joined de Calumny Chappel but I aint so sure now). He aint much better than a demmon, accordin to Bosco.

We has to be on our gaurd, dem ocult cymbals is everywhere!

Hari Potter

Well de plan to cure my belloved bruvver Bosco of his concusion is continuin. Today he told me to call him Danniel and said he was gonna go into a lions den and de Lord would prottect him. We aint got a lions den howevver, de nearest place wiv wild creaturs is Anti Moly's beddroom, so Bosco knokced on de door and went in. "Go away!" screemed Anti Moly. "I gotta make some urggent coments on Cristinna Oddone's blogg, she's a woman and a sort of Cathlic so dat's fair game." Bosco he quacked with fear but de Lord was wiv him and he stayed in de lions den and began to sing a piuos hynm. De next fing he knew his ears was bein nailed to de wall, dats a trick de lions never managged I fink. It aint fun bein a Danniel, is it Bosco?

In order to rellax Bosco we took him to see a movvie at de cinnema, it was Hari Potter and de Deafly Hellos. I need to explane dis.
1. Hari is de Brittish spellin, I seen dat name a lot lately.
2. Deafly Hellos are relicks like Cathlics worhsip. Dey even got a maggazine called Hello wiv iddles in it.

We wanted to take Grate-Anti Moly wiv us, but dey stopped her at de door and said "We aint havin peeple dressed up as Volldemot comin into our cinnema, we got enuogh trubble wiv hooliganns already".
"She aint dressed up as Volldemot," explaned Bosco. "Dats her normal appearrance."
No good, dey wouldn't let her in, and anyways Anti said she cuoldnt really spare 3 hours away from de bloggs, in case she missed a good fihgt.

So Bosco and me went in wivvout Anti. I cant tell you whevver its Hari Potter or Volldemot wot wins, cos I never worked it out. All I will reveel is dat we neerly got frown out becuase Bosco kept shoutin out "Hari! You aint saved! Dem relicks is evil!" Dis shows dat he is nearly cured.

After de movvie Bosco he decidded he was very hungry and he invited some freinds from de Calumny Chappel round for a big dinner. Here dey is in speshul feastin clothes.

Wot I dont understand is dat someon have written "Bosco, you aint saved" on de wall. Bosco is very upset, and we is gonna have to e-mail Jessus to make sure dat dis was only a jokke. Cos we is both saved, aint we, Bosco?