The book of Covidicus, Chapter 13: the AstroLogica Vixen

Continued from Chapter 12

1. It had been decided that all the world should be Vaxed, and the wise men produced a vixen to protect the people from the plague.

2. Nobody was sure what it did until they consulted the stars, so they named it the AstroLogica vixen.

3. Now Bo-sis and his servant Matthew of Hanoch had already ordered large numbers of the AstroLogica vixen, but their neighbour in EUgypt, the Pharaoh Ursula of Lebanon, had not ordered hers in a timely fashion.

The parable of the foolish vixens.

4. So she said unto the astrologers, "Give me of your vixen, which we did not order!" But the astrologers knew of the parable of the Foolish Vixens, and refused to give of their vixen.

5. And Macrabaeus of the Frenchites, he that was called Emmanuel, spake out, saying "In sooth, the vixen does not work! It is essential that ye give it to us!"

6. Meanwhile, the plague continued to rage, and the people were still locked down.

7. But many people came into Bri-tain from distant parts, where the plague raged even fiercer.

8. These included the kingdoms of Sheba, of Ethiopia, of Mesopotamia, and even the lands previously undiscovered, such as the most distant parts of Africa.

9. Also, one that was called Eswatini, which was clearly an invented name.

10. So Bo-sis spake out, saying "Let us welcome all those who come from the three-and-thirty lands where the plague rageth, and let us lock them up for ten days in the mighty tower that is called Fawlty.

11. There my servants Basil, Sybil, Polly and Manuel will care for them." And it was so.

St Basil healeth the wounded chariot.

12. But the children of Bri-tain continued to rage against the lockdown, and so Bo-sis consulted the wise men of the land, who came up with an answer.

13. "We shall open the houses that are called public: but the people shall not be permitted to look on the wine when it is red, nor the ale when it is brown, nor even the gin that is a snare.

14. Likewise the hostels known as chippy, where the lover of good food eateth: they shall remain open, but they shall not be permitted to serve food.

15. The temples in which dwell the doctors of medicine shall remain open: but only those who are fit and well may visit.

16. Likewise, the dental surgeons shall only be allowed to remove the teeth that are healthy.

A servant civilly maintaineth the distancing that is social.

17. Finally, the mighty offices where dwell the servants that are civil shall be open: but these servants shall not work.

18. So no change there."

Continued in Chapter 14.

Covidicus, Chapter 12: Lockdown again

Continued from Chapter 11.

1. At the end of the year the Emperor Macron of the Frenchites ended the great war, and the children of Bri-tain were ready for their next crisis.

2. For the plague continued to rage fiercely, and Bo-sis decided to lock down the people once more.

Even the philosopher Grayling was locked down.

3. Although the Scottites, Welshites, and Irishites made their own plans, so as to be different from the Englandites. So they held a lochdown, a lloc'dwn, and a loughdown.

4. Thus with a mighty cry of "HERE WE GO AGAIN" everyone went back to his home and was driven to the mighty engine known as Zoom (or McZoom, Zoom-bach and O'Zoom if they came from the other three tribes).

5. Although some realised that there were easier ways to address their neighbours, and so they simply opened their windows and shouted "I HATE YE ALL."

6. And Bo-sis told his officers to find those who refused to be locked down, and throw them into the deepest dungeons.

7. But some of the rebels were very active old ladies aged four score and ten, and required twelve officers to overpower them.

"We need backup. Call for an armed response!"

8. Meanwhile, it was time for all the world to be vaxed, and so the mighty vixen was delivered to the people, starting with the dancing girls known as nurses, the old and infirm, and those whose labour was considered essential, such as the officers of equality and diversity and the professors of transgender studies.

9. Then a cry came out, "Let all the children of Bri-tain go into the streets at the eighth hour of the evening and applaud their heroes.

10. Such as the nurses who dance, the politicians who chatter, and of course Neil, son of Fergus, whose models have guided Bri-tain into these dark days."

11. And the people cried out with one voice, "במזג אוויר קופים פליז זה? אני צריך קקאו!" Which is to say, "In this weather of the monkeys of brass? I should hot drink made with roasted and ground cacao seeds mixed with milk and water!"

12. Although Keir, chief of the Labourites, did indeed go forth into the streets. However, he took no cocoa with him, lest he be arrested by the guards for committing the great crime known as Pic-nic.

Keir signalleth virtue.

Continued in Chapter 13.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 10: tiers, idle tiers

Continued from Chapter 9

1. After one month, Bo-sis released the children of Bri-tain from their lockdown.

2. But the plague continued to rage. In the lands where many people dwelt, there was sickness, while in the remote deserts the hermits rejoiced in their good health.

3. Worse than this, in the hospitals there were many sick people, while in the taverns there were very few.

4. Thus the advisers of Bo-sis said unto him, "The solution is plain. Empty the great cities, and drive the people into the wilderness. Close the hospitals, and send the people into the taverns."

5. However, Bo-sis decided on a different plan, and once more he told the people: "I have nothing to offer ye except blood, sweat and tiers."

"Good news, we're in Tier 1."

6. Thus the land was divided into three tiers, not counting the Scottites, who built a great wall and hid behind it, shouting insults at the Englandites.

7. In the lands of Tier 1, the people might go to the taverns and carouse freely. The only problem was that there were no taverns in the wilderness.

8. In the lands of Tier 2, the people might carouse, but only if they ate a Scotch egg with their drink.

9. Finally, in the lands of Tier 3, the people must not carouse. Indeed, they were told not to enjoy themselves at all.

A carouser awaiteth his Scotch egg.

10. Bo-sis also allowed the temples to re-open, saying "In Tier 1 they may embrace their neighbours at the Sign of Peace: for they have no neighbours."

11. "In Tier 2, they may smile at their neighbours from a distance of four cubits: but in Tier 3 they must scowl."

12. But as the people groaned under their yoke, there came good news. For all the world could now be vaxxed.

13. For Bo-sis had arranged a jab creation scheme, whereby every man should receive a magic vixen.

14. This vixen was guaranteed to drive away the plague, and it had been fully tested: for most people who had received it had already lived for a further forty days and forty nights and hardly any of them had gone mad.

15. Therefore Bo-sis decided to roll out this vixen, starting with the people aged nine hundred years or more; for if they died, none could blame him.

16. So Methuselah leapt from his bed, and made his way to be vaxxed.

Methuselah rejoiceth.

Continued in Chapter 11.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 9: the closing of the temples

Continued from Chapter 8.

1. It came to pass that the children of Bri-tain fell sick once more.

2. Indeed, the models of Neil, son of Fergus, had told him that every man, woman, child, cat, dog, and parrot would die in agony, some of them more than once, unless Bo-sis and his servant Matthew, of the tribe of Hanoch, locked them up and threw away the key.

The mystic runes of Neil foretell doom (maybe).

3. Then Bo-sis went up a high mountain and began to preach.

4. Blessed are the pure in hands: for they shall fear no plague.

5. Blessed are those who cover their faces: for they may buy food.

6. Blessed are those who give space to their neighbours: for all men shall know of their virtue.

7. Blessed are those who pray in secret, and do not worship in the temples of the Lord: for they shall not be hit on the head by my soldiers.

Bo-sis speaketh to the multitudes.

8. But the people cried out with a loud voice, saying "Why doth Bo-sis forbid us to worship in the temples of the Lord? Can he give us one reason why the plague killeth the just man, but not the sinful man in the House of the Common People?"

9. Lo, and even the High Priests spake out, led by him who was called Vincent Nicodemus, High Priest of the Minster of the West. Likewise, many members of the House of the Common People also asked Bo-sis to explain.

10. And Boris cried "Ha ha!" amoung the strumpets.

11. But he did not answer their questions.

Bo-sis speaketh comfortable words to the people.

12. And there were amongst the children of Bri-tain some very woeful people who wished to go to the far-off land of Dig-ni-tas, that is to say, the valley of the shadow of Death.

13. So Bo-sis blessed them saying, "Ye may go forth and die, but ye may not walk in the streets. For if ye do, ye shall surely die. Er, that is to say, er, cripes!"

14. Finally, Bo-sis told the people, "Many of ye may not work, but fear not, we shall pay you to idle, using the mighty treasures of Fur-lough, the magic tree of money."

15. So those who could not work rejoiced, saying "We must live in misery and poverty, but at least it is permanent."

Continued in Chapter 10.