Supreme Court decides what 2+2 makes

The UK Supreme Court has finally ruled on one of the most controversial issues of our time, and its decision is that 2+2 equals 4, and not 3, 5, 6, π, or any other number.

Justice at last!

To many people this has been blindingly obvious for years, but "transfer" activists have long campaigned for other numbers to be allowed - indeed the most extreme mathematicians claim that places normally reserved for "4" could also be occupied by "5". (A related group is the "sex maniacs" who, basing their arguments on Latin, suggest that all pairings end in SEX.)

Of course, not everyone is happy, least of all Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ.

Spadaro is part of the "transfer" movement.

Naturally, the decision that 2+2=4 will have effects throughout the country. Chancellor Rachel Reeves will have to redo her financial calculations, which were already regarded by many as suspect. The Equation Act already gives protection to the number 4, and "trans numbers" such as 5 will now be excluded from 4-only sports such as polo and bridge.

Another person unhappy with the ruling is Jolyon Forsyte KC, said to be the only barrister to have practised in a kimono while wielding a baseball bat (see Maugham v Fox, 2019). He is already raising money for a legal challenge via throwitdownthedrain.org. Thanks to the wonders of arithmetic, a donation of £2000 followed by another donation of £2000 (anything less is small change for a lawyer) will add £5000 to the fighting fund. Possibly.

Harry Potter and the Curse of Woke

All royalties to be divided equally with J.K. Rowling.

"Harry (he him), have you met the new pupil, Doris Trans?" asked Hermione (she, her). "She was born as Boris Trans, but don't call her that. Apparently, a great wizard cast a spell on her, and she is now female!"

A bearded giant strode into the room. "Hi, guys, gals, and others!" she said. "Professor Dumbledore (he, him, most of the time) has said I can use the girls' changing rooms; I'm looking forward to taking up ladies' boxing and wrestling, and smashing girls' heads in."

The beautiful Doris Woke.

Just then Hagrid entered the room, carrying a huge trunk. "Hey, Boris," he said, "here's your luggage!"

"You transphobic BIGOT!" said Doris, knocking Hagrid unconscious with a single blow of her delicate fists.

Quick as a flash, Hermione reacted. Trying out a new spell for the first time she waved her wand and shouted "CIS TRANS". Instantly, everyone in the room began to identify with the opposite gender: Harriet Potter (she, her), Hismione Granger (he, him), Boris Trans (he, him), and the lovely but rather stunned Hagrida (she, her).

Professor Snape, who was just passing, caught a weakened form of the spell, and became convinced that he or she was now a member of all genders simultaneously.

"You'll be punished for this, Miss, er, Mr Granger!"

That evening Dumbledore decided to take action, and he used the Sorting Hat to classify each of the pupils into one of the four main genders: male, female, transmale, and transfemale. This just left Draco Malefem, who insisted that zi was Two-Spirit Fluid Bi-Pan-Sexual, and would need to use both bathrooms simultaneously.

But where did that leave Lord (or Lady) Voldemort? Nobody knew.

Author's note: this is supposed to be a spiritually nourishing blog, so we end with a quotation from Jeremiah 13:23.

"Can the leopard change his spots, or the man his chromosomes?"

Catholics reported for mis-speciesing hate crimes

Trans-species activist Susie Buttercup has reported thousands of Catholics to the police for mis-speciesing hate crimes, after they described her as a "stupid cow".

It is alleged that Mrs Buttercup was born into the bovine community, but went to Thailand for a species change, and is now self-identifying as a human being. However, many Catholics refuse to recognise the possibility that a person can change their sex or species, quoting Jeremiah 13:23's Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots?

"None of that 'Silly old moo' stuff!"

In general it is possible for a cow to lead an interesting life standing round doing nothing - after all, many bishops manage it - but some do feel unhappy in their skin. Although a diet of grass is totally vegan, and said to be very healthy, scientists claim that it causes emissions contributing to climate change. Also it is nearly as boring as tofu.

A DNA analysis of Mrs Buttercup would definitely indicate that she was a large domesticated ungulate, but she claims full human rights, including the right to bore people on Good Morning Britain, and the right to use ladies' toilets (rather than leaving cowpats in the street); also, she claims the right to pester our totally underworked police with frivolous complaints, although they appreciate these as being far less trouble than burglaries and stabbings.

Trans cows also claim the right to take part in women's sports.

Incidentally, a cow's preferred pronouns are Moo and Muh.

Church of England "the greatest dream realised for human beings"

Justin Welby (currently leading in a Twitter poll to find the silliest Archbishop of Canterbury in the last 25 years, in spite of stiff competition from Rowan Williams and George Carey) has stated that the European Union is "the greatest dream realised for human beings" for the past 1,500 years.

He is too modest. For a team of EU Grandees (Jean-Claude Juncker, Donald Tusk, old Uncle Verhofstadt and all) have reciprocated by pointing out that in fact the Church of England is the greatest dream realised for human beings since... well, since before Christ in fact, as all HE could do was to found the Catholic Church.

Can I join, Justin?

As the grandees pointed out, the Church of England is unique in that it is the only religion that caters for all possible beliefs. Do you believe in the existence of God? Yes? No? Welcome! Do you believe that women can be priests? Yes? No? Doesn't matter. Are you pro-life? Yes? No? We don't care! How about same-sex marriage? For? Against? It's all the same to us. Are you a Muslim? We probably have a church for you too.

The only (well not the only) church in which any fool can be a bishop, and many are!

Everything you expect in a church... except God.

Being a Catholic isn't easy. You're suppose to avoid sin, and, since this is basically impossible, you have to confess, be absolved, and start again. Anglicans don't have this problem, as the only sins they acknowledge are Euroscepticism, Climate Change scepticism, and of course a lack of enthusiasm for Equality and Diversity in all shapes and sizes (oops, a dwarfophobic comment there).

Great job opportunities!

Catholics are also supposed to attend Mass once a week. This seems so dreadfully unfair, when Anglicans only attend church three times in a lifetime - once to be drenched from the font, once to get hitched to some person of the opposite (?) sex - well maybe more than once in this case - and once in a wooden box, when the priest will say how wonderful you were, and the congregation will sing "My Way".

Contrast that with a Requiem Mass, in the Catholic tradition, where you will maybe get the Dies Irae, which is a little poem explaining that the dear departed was probably unsaved, and is certainly going to have a rough time at the Day of Judgement.

Women who dress up as Catholic priests just aren't taken seriously! Unlike Anglicans, ha ha.

Nope, as the Three Wise Men of the EU have pointed out, Anglicanism was a wonderful step forward for the human race - well done, Henry VIII! Indeed, an Anglican's life is tailored to your individual needs. Why, no wonder the churches are full to the brim.

Oh... aren't they?

British values versus Christian values

Apparently School inspectors want new powers to tackle faith schools that 'clash with British values'. Let us take an in-depth look at what is meant by British values.

Britannia (or Britannius?) Keen on diversity, same-sex marriage, and transgenderism.

British values were first developed in the age of Prehistoric Britain, which is supposed to have started in about 500,000 B.C. (give or take a few months). In those days schoolchildren were taught to paint themselves with woad - blue for boys, pink for girls - and any kid who wore the wrong colour woad was told to stop being silly.

Diversity was not really popular in those days. The ancient British were very worried about invasions of ancient Franks and Germans - which is why they dug the English Channel - but probably more worried about woolly mammoths.

MAMMOTHS KEEP OUT. Coming over here, eating our cabbages, ...

Presumably the exploits of Adam and Eve were known about, but Christian values were at a rather primitive state.

So let us go forward to 1707, when Britain arose from out the azure main (as the song has it), and became a kingdom including England, Wales and Scotland. What were British values then?

Well, same-sex marriage still wasn't very popular (it basically went out of fashion around the time of Nero, with occasional unsuccessful revivals, as in the time of Edward II), and transgenderism was limited to hairy Scotsmen wearing kilts. Equality and diversity were definitely continental notions (especially after 1789), and shunned by all decent people.

A despised member of society, but only because of the bagpipes.

Christianity was mainly of the Protestant variety, although not a lot like the modern Church of England. People got their ideas mostly from the New Testament, rather than "Thought for the Day". Tolerance and respect for idiots, not being a Christian virtue, was virtually unknown.

So far so good, British values were not all that far from Christian values. Possibly empire-building, fighting the French, and so on, were not entirely in accordance with God's plans, but they were more-or-less OK.

So what is the problem in religious schools these days? Well, at St Custard's we have this:

"Please sir, I want to be a girl." Six of the best for you, Molesworth, sa Headmaster GRIMES chiz chiz chiz

And at St Trinians Catholic School they found this practical way of dealing with an Anglican who enrolled by mistake:

I won't describe the scenes of carnage that followed when St Trinians played hockey against St Aisha's School for the Daughters of Muslim Gentlefolk. 11-0, with 8 Aishains retired hurt. Still, St Trinians girls met their match when the boys girls of St Bruce's Caitlin's Transgender Academy challenged them. It was not a pretty sight.

Anyway, given a choice between Christian values and modern "British values", I think it's time to change my name to Eccleczyk, and declare myself to be Polish.

St Ignatius Academy Old Boys' News

It's been another good year for Jesuits everywhere, and as usual our old boys have been sending us news of their achievements worldwide.

Arturo Sosa (Caracas House, Class of 1977) has been appointed Superior General, also known as the Black Pope, although he admits that he doesn't really like the colour black!

The Blue and White Pope is anxious never to be recognised as a priest!

Arturo has been keeping up the finest Jesuit traditions of poking fun at Christian teaching. He tells us that he doesn't like Doctrine, and that's probably a good thing, as we recall that he got only 15% on his "New Testament Theology for Footballers" course!

We remember at the time that his excuse was that Jesus's words were only "relative" and "had to be discerned" according to the conscience of the individual. In those days, this excuse didn't serve him very well, and Mgr Chávez kept him in detention for 6 months on a bread and water diet. Nowadays we realise that this is the sort of attitude to Holy Scripture that makes him a fine Jesuit!

Fr Sosa also starred in the crime drama A touch of Frost.

JImmy Martin (Manhattan House, Class of 1999) continues his career in comedy. Last year he told us all about his stage act with Stephen Colbert, where he tells people that the Holy Spirit is female, and that God could learn a lot from human beings! That course on "The Laurel and Hardy approach to Bible Study" paid off, Jim!

This year, the LBGTSJ community in which he performs is very keen on "Trans" rights, and thinks it's a great idea to have men in dresses wandering round the girls' rest rooms! It seems that Jimmy has been very unhappy this year, since his idol Hillary Clinton didn't get a job she had applied for, and he himself seems to have been getting a lot of criticism from serious Catholics. If we Jesuits were into praying, I'd say we should pray for him - after all, God probably isn't aware of his plight!

Jimmy Martin and Tom Rosica (St Basil's School) wander into the Ladies' Rest Room by mistake!

Jorge Bergoglio (Buenos Aires House, Class of 1969) continues to hold down an administrative job in Rome, and says he has no plans to retire. He tells us that his favourite Person of the Trinity is the Holy Spirit - who chose him for his present job because he was obviously the best person to occupy the Chair of St Peter! Also, unlike God and Jesus, nobody actually knows what the Holy Spirit thinks on any matter, so in best Jesuit tradition we can make up our own answers!

Jorge (R) watches a non-rigid interpretation of Amoris Laetitia

We remember Jorge's time with us with affection, although he was severely punished by Fr Galtieri the day he handed in a blank test paper, saying that he couldn't give binary answers to abstract questions! Nowadays, of course, this is in the best spirit of Jesuit Confusion! We wish him well in his campaign to drive all the non-heretics out of Rome!

Baroness Warsi quits the Catholic Church

In a stunning body-blow to the Catholic Church, Sayeeda Hussein Warsi, also known as Baroness Warsi, has announced that from now on she is joining the Muslims, acknowledging the prophet Mohammed as her redeemer and saviour. This high-profile defection is so calamitous that Cardinal Nichols will probably have to resign, and even the papacy itself is threatened.

The reasons given are that Warsi could no longer stand the hatred and nastiness she encountered in the Catholic Church. However, as far as we know she has never even met Fr Thomas Rosica, so it is not clear what the problem was.

"I'm not a turncoat," insists Baroness Warsi.

The most remarkable aspect of this defection is that - as with her high-profile "defection" on the Brexit referendum - nobody had the faintest idea that she was ever on the other side.

LATE NEWS: Baroness Warsi has spoken out again, saying, "From now on I identify as a woman, and anyone who refers to me as 'Fred Warsi' is guilty of a transphobic hate crime." The mother-of-one has made it clear that she is does not wish to be regarded as a member of the racist, xenophobic, nasty, male sex. In this case, we are happy to go along with her wishes.

"Don't worry, he only attacks Catholics."

In other news, the Pope has "defected" to the Catholic Church.

Woman believes she is a bishop

Psychologists are struggling to cope with a wave of "identification" crises. First we saw the case of Bruce Jenner, fathering six children and then deciding that he was really a woman and should be called Caitlin - although to be convinced that he was female we'd really need to see photos of him getting off the sofa and doing the washing up.

Nano the cat.

Next, we saw the Norwegian girl Nano, who said that she was really a cat trapped in a human's body. It is not known whether she lives on a diet of Whiskas and voles, but to be fair, she does claim to hunt mice at night, so maybe she really is a cat. Who are we to judge?

However, another case that has come to our attention strains the limits of credulity even further.

Rachel the bishop.

Rachel Treweek, a 50-something speech therapist, has taken to dressing as a bishop, even referring herself as a "Lord Spiritual" and "Bishop of Gloucester". The UK being a tolerant place, nobody has challenged her when she goes around wearing bishop-clothes, especially as she shows better taste than the American "bishop" Katharine Jefferts Schori.

The case of women self-identifying as bishops is uniquely a late-20th and early-21st century phenomenon. Tell the great theological giants of the 16th century - Luther, St Thomas More, Henry VIII, Cranmer - that a woman could be a bishop, and they would have laughed at you (or, in the case of Henry VIII, cut off your head). Tell Jesus Himself, and He would patiently have sat down and explained the priesthood to you, possibly driving out any demons of which you happened to be possessed.

Candidates may attempt not more than three of these.

Ahead of the rest of the world as usual, Brighton school children are now asked to self-identify by gender/sex; so in addition to the perfectly normal male, female, tomboy, transylvanian, tri-gender, hidden agender, and twenty-odd further options, kids will now be able to choose tomcat, moggy, bishop, lord spiritual, and various other combinations. So please be sympathetic to poly-gendered feline bishops.

Why we find the Lord's prayer offensive

Father Phil, from the liberal church of St Daryl the Apostate, writes.

At St Daryl's we have long recognised that the Lord's prayer is offensive - not to Muslims and Jews since it doesn't actually mention Christ, not to atheists as they don't care how we waste our time (in their words), but offensive to liberal Christians such as ourselves. No wonder that this Anglican video has been banned in cinemas.

For a long time we have omitted the Lord's prayer entirely, using the space provided for a suitable anthem, such as Paul Inwood's Pearls before the Dean and Chapter, which goes "PAH-PAH-PAH-PAH PAH-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAH PRAY!!!" (Not that we do pray, but it's the thought that counts,)

Hate speech: Justin Welby says "Our Father" (without moving his lips).

The Lord's prayer starts badly. "Our Father in Heaven"? In this day and age, when God may be male, female, or anything else? What will our transgendered brothers and sisters sisters and brothers siblings make of THAT? "Our Parent 1 in Heaven" is the usual form these days.

"Hallowed be your name. Thy kingdom come". I LIKE THAT. A good mix of ancient and modern liturgies, guaranteed to annoy people with any taste. No complaints there.

Give us this day our daily bread.

At first sight "daily bread" isn't offensive - if we'd said "daily sausages" you can imagine that the Muslims and Jews would have complained. However, it is insensitive to people with gluten intolerance, so perhaps after "daily bread" we could add "or other food suitable to our dietary requirements"?

"Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that sin against us."

Again, a great mixture of translations here, trespass played off against sin, but the prayer is missing the whole point of modern Christianity, which is:

SIN HAS BEEN ABOLISHED.

THERE IS NOTHING TO FORGIVE.

JUST BE HAPPY.

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." Come on, GET A GRIP!

Yes, the next bit, about temptation and evil, is also meaningless to modern worshippers. We don't want people to have guilt complexes, do we?

See? The cinemas were quite right to ban the Lord's prayer advert.

Love, mercy and cuddly thoughts to you all,
Phil.

P.S. We're very broad-minded. If any Muslims would like to shout their prayer "Allahu Akbar", we promise not to be offended.