Catholics reported for mis-speciesing hate crimes

Trans-species activist Susie Buttercup has reported thousands of Catholics to the police for mis-speciesing hate crimes, after they described her as a "stupid cow".

It is alleged that Mrs Buttercup was born into the bovine community, but went to Thailand for a species change, and is now self-identifying as a human being. However, many Catholics refuse to recognise the possibility that a person can change their sex or species, quoting Jeremiah 13:23's Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots?

"None of that 'Silly old moo' stuff!"

In general it is possible for a cow to lead an interesting life standing round doing nothing - after all, many bishops manage it - but some do feel unhappy in their skin. Although a diet of grass is totally vegan, and said to be very healthy, scientists claim that it causes emissions contributing to climate change. Also it is nearly as boring as tofu.

A DNA analysis of Mrs Buttercup would definitely indicate that she was a large domesticated ungulate, but she claims full human rights, including the right to bore people on Good Morning Britain, and the right to use ladies' toilets (rather than leaving cowpats in the street); also, she claims the right to pester our totally underworked police with frivolous complaints, although they appreciate these as being far less trouble than burglaries and stabbings.

Trans cows also claim the right to take part in women's sports.

Incidentally, a cow's preferred pronouns are Moo and Muh.

Don't equate Catholic Voices with violence

Flying back from Kraków, Pope Francis became tired of reading the souvenir magazine, Pole Dancing for Catholics, so he stood up and gave yet another impromptu off-the-cuff press briefing. This was instantly seized on as either a fundamental change to Catholic teaching or yet another non-event, depending on whether you read the Tablet or else some of the Catholic papers.

"I do not like it when people associate Catholic Voices with violence," asserted the Holy Father. "I know that Austen Ivereigh is greatly feared in Catholic circles, but he is basically a peace-loving man, even if he does occasionally come out with statements about Islam that would turn Damian Thompson's hairpiece white."

Francis (protected by a barrier) "reaches out" to Dr Ivereigh.

Every day we read in our newspapers, or see on television, signs of people being intimidated by Catholic Voices. The amazing Caroline Farrow, who has spoken out on Catholic issues on so many television and radio programmes that we have lost count - these include Strictly Come Dancing, Match of the Day, and even Midsomer Murders - can reduce a secularist to a quivering heap of jelly in 30 seconds flat. Even the Archbishop of Corby hides under the baked bean shelves at ASDA when he hears Mrs Farrow on the radio.

However, Pope Francis claims that such people are essentially peaceful. "Take Greg Daly," he said. "Yes, do take him. He tells me he's the only man in the world who understands the Irish question, and occasionally people have fallen into a coma when he tried to explain it to them. But people can fall into comas for other reasons, you know, and one should not blame Catholic Voices for that."

Young people playing Pokémon Go manage to miss the Pope entirely.

In another announcement, Pope Francis commented on the success of World Youth Day. "From now on, we're going to have similar smaller-scale events in every town in the civilised world. They will take place on Sunday mornings, mostly, and involve much smaller gatherings of Catholics for Mass. Obviously, I can't be everywhere, so I am appointing a group of deputies to do the 'Hey, I'm the big superstar' bit. I've even thought of a catchy name for them - priests!"

Here we think Pope Francis may - for once - have gone a little too far.

Cormac doesn't deserve the treatment he's getting

Adapted from the Catholic Herald.

By Peter Stanford.

There's a touching scene in Tony Blair's newly published memoir An English Spring. It is May 1994, and Labour leader John Smith lies dying. The then Shadow Home Secretary, Anthony Blair, is ushered in to say a final goodbye. "John Prescott will have to take over this job," says the dying Smith, whose mind is already wandering. However, the message is relayed back as "It's all yours, Tony," and the rest is history.

Cormac Murphy-O'Connor is admitted into the Labour Party.

Tony Blair faced several challenges during his time in power, not least Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor telling him he wanted to join the Labour Party. The news came as no great surprise, he says. "He'd been a bit of a leftie for twenty-five years, and his conversion had been expected for a long time. Cormac's getting a bit of a bad time now, without even the usual twenty million pounds and a string of luxury mansions to console him in his old age, and I feel sorry for him. He made many mistakes during his time at Arundel and Brighton - oh, and at Westminster too - and ever since then, come to think of it - but he doesn't deserve the kind of treatment he is getting. Well, actually he does, really."

---

Adapted from the Spectator.

The Heckler: why does Damian Thompson have to be so rude?

By Sir John Eliot Gardiner.

Damian Thompson is talented almost beyond measure. He is the leading Bach expert of his age, or indeed any age, but is also equally at home with Gladys Mills. His stupidly-named Orchestre Petit Gâteaux et Crème Anglaise has notched up one triumph after another over the decades. At 53, Damian is at his artistic peak, the author of numerous books and articles, and you have to wonder: is there anything this man can’t do?

The answer is yes. One art eludes him: good manners. He's perhaps the only Telegraph blogger to have had his own comment on his own blog deleted by his own moderators, when he described a sensitive female commentator as "You spiteful cow!" He told another "I will not be lectured to by you, Mrs Farrow." Then again he had a blazing row with the normally-timid Peter Hitchens, storming out and knocking over a blind little old lady in the corridor.

Clash of the Titans!

Many geniuses have been bad-tempered - think of Beethoven, Evelyn Waugh, even Pope Francis - and Damian’s friends think all this is unfair. Although he is generously endowed with self-esteem, he is not a monster like George Galloway. He inspires deep affection in some colleagues. Belatedly anxious about his image problem, he now says he has "mellowed". That may be true, but there is plenty of mellowing still to do. "I said 'hello' to Damian on Twitter not that long ago," says one award-winning saved blogger, "and he stared through me as if I was a parlourmaid."

Graven images

We had two particularly interesting reactions to the piece on the (British) Ten Commandments: one, from Archdruid Eileen, wondered how many commandments there really were, and what they were exactly (Beaker Folk and Catholics having a different way of cutting up those stone tablets into handy soundbites). Bruvver Bosco made a similar point in the comments to the piece:

Ha ha, you used the catholic ten commandments brother Eccles. Notice how the 2nd commandment has been changed. They got rid of that pesky "do not make or worship or bow befor graven images." My hats off to the catholic church. That takes guts to get rid of commandments they don't like. So come on all you faithful cathols...its Ok to bow befor any and all graven images. Hold on to them tight...that trip to hell can get breezy.

The Calvary Chapel, with its graven image of a dove.

Regular readers of this blog will know that Bosco is a member of the Calumny Chapel, and he kisses a cement dove before he goes to bed each night. Apart from that, he is very tough on graven images - for example he threw out a photo of our Anti Moly just in case anyone in the house was tempted to bow down and worship it.

Not to be worshipped.

Still, as someone on a continuing spiritual journey, I do have a question to ask of the experts. "Graven" seems to mean "engraved" or "sculpted", like Bosco's cement dove. Are paintings and photographs evil? Or only if you worship them? Here's another test case, a 1938 painting of Catholic bloggers Fr Tim Finigan and Mrs Caroline Farrow as children (haven't they worn well?)

Does this break the 1st (or 2nd) commandment?

Our old friend Damian Thompson is known to worship cupcakes: indeed, he has written a book on addiction, and how he attended Cupcakes Anonymous meetings in a vain attempt to break himself of this habit. We did think he was now cured, but last time I went round to see him, I found him kneeling before the graven images below.

A clear breach of the commandments.

Well, the general consensus - Bosco and the Muslims aside - seems to be that making images is not the real problem, so much as worshipping false gods; and that is taken care of by the first commandment.

"He just worships that bicycle..."