Pussy-footing round Wallsingham

The story so far: Eccles (saved) and Anti Moly (unsaved) has gone to Wallsingham, where my dere bruvver Bosco (very saved) is tryin to save de suols of de piglrims wot turns up.

So it was a great surprise to see Bosco drivin north out of Wallsingham wiv a great truck full of tommato ketchop.

Bosco heads for de seaside

He was headin for a place called Wells-next-de-sea, so we went and fuond our chuaffeur, Dan Hannan, and gave chase. I should mentoin dat Hannan is a great expert on Shakespeare, and he has got nicknames for all of us: he calls Bosco "Caliban," Anti Moly "Hecate," and me "Fool" (dem's cruel words, Dan). Some time I will reveel what nickname he has got for Damain Thopmson, his employer. Any geusses?

Well, we got to Wells, where Bosco was preachin to an audeince of holiday-makers, explainin dat de Rapture is at hand, and dat dey aint saved like him. By some strange miracle, which Bosco aint gonna explain, de sea had gone all red, and Bosco says dat it was turned to blood. Which is a sign, innit, Bosco dere?

De North Sea has turned to blood.

Bosco says we is gonna see more signs dat de last days is at hand. I is wonderin what he means.

Anti Moly didn't like Wells, and instead showed us some snaps of de seaside at luvvly Pottymouth in Austriala, her home town. She is feelin a little homesick.

De seaside at luvvly Pottymouth

We returned to Wallsingham, and Bosco got himself into truoble. Dis time it wasnt de Cathlics but de Orfodox Church dat was de recipeints of Bosco's missionary activities. Did you know dat de Greek Orfodox church used to be a railway station?

One of de stations of de cross

Bosco decided dat de Wallsingham Calumny Chappel was gonna organize a "Pusey Riot" in de Orfodox Church. I aint reely understood dis, but I looked up on Wikkipedia who Pusey was, and he was an Angliccan. Dey dont worship iddles as much as de Cathlics and Orfodox does, so maybe dey is a bit more saved.

De Calumny Chappel's Pusey Riot.

Well, dis is likely to lead to all sorts of truobles, as churches doesnt like you goin outside de bounds of de litturgy. I remember once Damain Thopmson took us to a Lattin Mass and we had to say "Lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor." I fuoght it meant somefink like "I is washed in de blood of de Labm," but no, it means "Frow holly water over me, Farver." Bosco weren't too pleased at bein soaked, and he struck back.

Lavabis te, Fr Prescott

Anyway, never mind de remminiscences, I fink dis Pusey Riot of Bosco's is goin to have severe reppercussions.

Ethical issues

Professor Julian Savulescu said that creating so-called designer babies could be considered a "moral obligation" as it makes them grow up into "ethically better children."

Your designer baby is nearly ready, Prof. Savulescu.

Julian Savulescu, who is professor of practical ethics at the University of Oxford (no, really, don't laugh) is well-known in ethics circles, being editor of the prestigious journal Ethics girls and a consultant to the TV Series The only way is Ethics.

An excuse to publish a saucy photo A conference in practical ethics

Professor Savulescu explains:

"Many parents are troubled by naughty children - what we ethics specialists call 'Unethical organisms' - and the solution is to abort all the potentially badly-behaved children and make sure that only the good ones survive.

Unethical children, who will never grow up to be Oxford professors

We are already screening out medical defects, in an attempt to prevent the birth of disabled people - people like Stephen Hawking or Tanni, Baroness Grey-Thompson, whom we Oxford ethicists consider to be second-rate - and it is only logical to make sure that in the end only well-behaved healthy kids are born: kids who will go to bed when they are told, get lots of A*-grade A-levels, and end up as Guardian journalists, professors of ethics or lawyers."

A well-behaved healthy kid

With the retirement of Richard Dawkins from his chair at Oxford, insiders believe that Julian Savulescu is now a front-runner for the prestigious Mad Scientist of the Year award.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 11

Continued from Chapter 10

1. So Richard entered into the evening of his life, that is, the days of his retirement.

2. And his wife Lalla spake unto him, saying, "Richard, thou hast served thy genes well. Now is the time to take it easy, to sit on the sofa and watch Countdown."

3. "Or we could go down to the Darby and Joan Club and play Bingo; or we could travel afar and see my relatives on Gallifrey, such as the Meddling Monk, Morbius, and the Valeyard."

Uncle Morbius.

4. But Richard said, "Nay, my work is not yet done. For example, I have to minister over my website, dawkins.egotrip.net, that which is banned in Turkey, because it dares to say the unsayable."

5. For Richard had bravely mocked the Prophet Mohammed, hinting that he was not the sort of person who would be welcome on High Table at New College, Oxford. And this did not go down too well with the Turks.

This town ain't big enough for two prophets

6. After this humiliation at the hands of the Turks, Richard was wrathful, saying, "How is it that I, who wrote a thesis about chickens, am not idolized in Turkey?"

7. And the worshippers at the shrine of Dawkins laughed heartily at Richard's brilliant pun, saying "ROFL" and "LOL."

8. Which, being translated, means "O Richard, not only do you have the wisdom of Solomon, but you also have the comic genius of a Groucho Marx."

Richard, from the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

9. Then it came to pass that Richard had an even more strikingly brilliant idea, which would bring him great fame, and lead to increased sales for his books.

10. "I SHALL ARREST THE POPE," he said.

11. "For he is guilty of crimes against humanity, because he refuses to bow his knee at the shrine of Dawkins."

Probably drinking the blood of sweet furry kittens

12. "Indeed, this international gang-leader cometh to Great Britain soon, to meet his criminal associates, 'Vicious' Vince Nichols, Keith 'The Hat' O'Brien, and 'Fingers' Murphy-O'Connor."

13. "I have discovered that they are going to dig up the loot stashed away by John Henry 'Gerontius' Newman."

"Gerontius" Newman, the 19th century gangster

14. "And when the Pope appears, I shall arise and grab his collar, saying 'Ullo, ullo, ullo, what's all this then?' and 'You're nicked, sunshine.' Then I shall say unto him, 'I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station'."

15. "And the Pope will reply unto me saying 'It's a fair cop, guv'nor. I dunnit all right. Pax vobiscum.'"

Richard Dawkins prepares to arrest the Pope

16. But in fact things did not quite work out according to plan.

Continued in Chapter 12.

Bad Hymns 8

Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is Imagine, by John Lennon. Unlike most of the entries we've seen so far, which are vaguely Christian in spirit, this is an atheist hymn, included because atheists are terribly misunderstood people who need the chance to explain themselves.

Imagine no possessions.

E: So welcome, Mr Lennon. Nice car you've got there.

JL: Yes, I can't imagine what life would be like without it!

E: Now, I'll bet you had a good laugh when the Olympic closing ceremony included the words "Imagine there's no countries?"

---

2012 OLYMPICS MEDAL TABLE

EARTH: 301G 302S 302B
VENUS: 1G 0S 0B
PLANET THARG: 1G 0S 0B
The Venus score includes a gold medal for Miss Williams in the tennis.
The Planet Tharg score includes a special medal for Boris Johnson in the men's zip wire.

---

Boris Johnson celebrates winning a gold medal.

JL: Yes, indeed. But you know, like, my true message is of universal peace and love, like.

E: Indeed. Now, how about "Imagine no religion?" Does that include Maharishi Mahesh Yogi?

Imagine no religion.

JL: Ah, we were deceived there, you know. We thought he was an enlightened spiritual leader, but he turned out to be just another dirty old man who wanted money. What's more, he promised to teach me to levitate, like, but I never got the hang of it.

Levitation. Do not try this without a swimming pool.

E: Well, keep reading my blog, and you may get the spiritual nourishment you are seeking. I see that Liverpool "John Lennon" Airport has taken another line from your hymn, "Above us only sky," as its motto.

JL: Yes; they should try and get the roof mended, like.

Above us only sky.

E: Well, thank you, Mr Lennon, I feel you've suffered enough today, so we won't mention Yoko Ono.

Taking the peace out of Lennon.

Wallsingham

Well, we cuoldn't stay in Great Snoring for too long, as we wanted to go to Wallsingham to see my big bruvver Bosco. But both Anti Moly and Dan Hannan, our chuaffeur, received kind invitations from de good poeple of Great Snoring, so we stayed an extra day.

Anti Moly was invited to stay awhile, drink lotsa gin, and take some well-earned rest, as dey said that a Great Snoring Woman would be a tuorist attractoin. Anti Moly was very pleased to be de centre of attentoin, so we put her to sleep, and sold lotsa tickets.

We heard later dat de poeple of Little Snoring had all taken dere washing indoors, finking dat thunder was on de way.

A sleepy village

Also, someone had heard dat Dan Hannan is a part-time polliticain, and dey invited him to make a speech to de Snoring Conservatives Associatoin. "But I ain't used to speakin in front of crowds," he said. "When I wants to make a speech in Brussels, dey all shows great consideratoin and leaves de room."

Well, in de end he gave an impassioned speech about "De unpleasant pussonal habits of Herman Van Rompuy" to de faithful "Mangel-Wurzel Mafia," as dey is known.

Finally, we got to Wallsingham, and it didn't take long to find Bosco, as he had set up a shrine by de side of de road, and was sellin souvenirs of Wallsingham.

Bosco's sacred souvenirs from Wallsingham

Bosco explaned dat dese are not iddles, even dough dere was a steady stream of piglrims buyin dem and kissin dem.

A rival shrine, after Bosco visited it

Apart from settin up a Calumny Chappel shrine, and givvin public letchers on "Why Mary hadn't a clue who Jessus was" - a point of thoelogy dat is new to many poeple - Bosco has been doin his part in bein ecumennical by trashin uvver poeple's shrines and iddle shops.

Dan Hannan in Wallsingham iddle shop

Bosco has asked me to point out dat pussons wot kiss dis polliceman aint saved.

On de road to Wallsingham

As I has alreddy explaned, my big bruvver Bosco has gone to Wallsingham, de scared shrine in Norfolk, in de hope of savin a few suols. Anti Moly and me has been in London, stayin wiv Damain Thopmson. It is very hot and so Damain has got some of de Indian Ollympic team to act as punka-wallas.

A punka-walla helpin Damain Thopmson to keep his cool

Originally he had been employin some of his usual staff - Will Heaven de butler, Dan Hannan de chuaffeur, and Goeffrey Lean de gardener - but dey wasn't very good at punk, and dese Indians is much fitter.

Damain himself has been watchin a lot of de Ollympics. He likes de beach valleyball, as he says de girls is all very thin and has good hairstyles, which is very important (read his blogg and you will see dat he hates people wot is fat or has bad hair, like Archbishop Tarteater and Bradley Wiggon).

Not likely to be criticised in a Damain Thopmson blogg

Anti Moly is findin life very woeful. She was hopin dat her old admirer, Cradinal Pell, would come to London for de Ollympics, but he decided to stay in Sidney to judge de Aussie Bishops' Tinnie-chuggin Competitoin (whatever dat is). And althuogh de Aussie government has promised to return de bones of her grandad Ned Kelly to her, dey still has not arrived.

So when I proposed a trip to Wallsingham to help bruvver Bosco wiv his evangellising of de unsaved Cathlics (he said "bring a chain saw," but didnt explane why), she jumped at de chance. Indeed, she even proposed dat we take along Tilde Swindon de famuous actress, wot is very good at evangellising, as you can see from my photto.

You'll come to Wallsingham, Tilde, wiv me?

But de luvvly Tilde wasnt avialable. Damain Thopmson said he didnt want to come wiv us, but he offered us de services of Hannan, de chuaffeur, de one wiv a part-time job in Brussels. De Brussels chaps is on summer hollidays from April until November, so he is quite free at de moment.

So Anti Moly, Hannan and me set off for Wallsingham, but Hannan was led astray by de Satan-Nav, and we landed up in a village nearby.

Why does dis remind me of Damain Thopmson's bloggs?

Well, we is stayin de night in Great Snoring, and Anti Moly is sleepin very sweetly if rather loudly, as a result of de gin dat she bruoght in her hippo flask.

A hippo flask. Contains enough gin for a whole evening's drinking

Tomorrow we is to be reunited wiv dere bruvver Bosco.

Invitations we have received

Young Poet of the Year, 1989 (yes, really)

Louise Bagshawe LoCicero Mensch M.P. Steward of the Chiltern Hundreds,

author of "Catholic family values," "When she was bad..." and "Career girls,"

star of "Question Time" and "Prime Minister's Questions,"

invites ECCLES

to the launch of her new book

"Corby, city of passion"

---

Welcome to the Dignitas Holiday Hotel

Dr Evan Harris M.P. requests the pleasure of the company of ECCLES at a "sending-off" party for his beloved auntie Athanasia, to wish her well on her trip to Dignitas. R.S.V.P.

---

St Anthony of Poodle

Hey, Eccles, come to a swell party for the launch of my new Encyclical, "Where the Catholic church must go next." Admission fee only £500, and you'll get to meet my good friends Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-un. Yours, Tony.

---

And finally, one I won't be able to accept.

Surely some mistake?

BARACK AND MICHELLE OBAMA are holding a "Pride Party" to celebrate the adoption of a new American flag. No Limeys, Christians, Mormons, Republicans, or Chick-fil-A employees, please.

The proposed replacement for the homophobic Stars and Stripes

P.S. If you can't come, you're welcome to attend our "Abortion gone wild" Festival next week. Barack.

De return of Bruvver Bosco

My darlin bruvver gettin ready to visit a sacred shrine

Well, it was over 6 months since we heard much of my big bruvver Bosco (we left him in Callifornia sittin on a pole), but now we got news dat he is in England. Bosco tellephonned me and said "Eccles, I is goin to de Ollympic Games in London, so dat I can sabbotage de Vatican Ollympic team by throwin banana skins under dem. Dem costume holly men aint gonna git any meddles wiv me around."

Well I looked around, but it didn't seem dere was much of a Vatican team. Dey has recriuted Arthur Roche, de famuos ice-skater, but dat will be for de next Winter Ollympics, it seems.

Farver, is you sure dis is an Ollympic event?

Still, we did find some worryin signs of iddle worship, and I fink Bosco needs to come along and do some smitin.

Iddle worshipper seen in London

Bosco decided not to go to London, which is a grate pity, as we was all reddy to kill de fatted calf for de prodigious son. In fact we aint got a fatted calf, but Anti Moly was gonna make him a Cronish Pastie instead - bein a crone herself she got de authentick recipe. However, Bosco decided to go to Wallsingham, which is a holly place in Norfolk. Dey gots lotsa shrines dere, like Angliccan, Cathlic and Orthoddox, wot is all unsaved poeple, and Bosco was plannin to open a branch of de Calumny Chappel dere to show de piglrims what really saved poeople looks like.

Bosco is alreddy startin to make his mark there. De Cathlics has got a Slipper Chappel at Wallsingham, and Bosco bein a witty sort of pusson has left lotsa banana skins outside it - de ones he was gonna use for de Pop's Ollympic team - so dat all de piglrims is now slippin over, and swearin in a way dat piglrims doesnt often do.

A piglrim on de way to de Slipper Chappel

It seems dat Bosco aint too impressed by Wallsingham so far. "Iddles everywhere!" he screemed. Bosco, dere, if you is reedin dis blogg, perhaps you could comment from de perspecktive of a saved pusson, wot you fink of dis Sattanic iddle wot I seen in London?

Sattanic iddle seen in London

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 10

Continued from Chapter 9

Fr Dawkins (R) greets a devout worshipper (L)

1. So The Dawkins Cult began to flourish, and the faithful Dawkinsites met every Sunday to sing hymns to their god.

2. They sang Through the night of Dawkins sorrow, and What a friend we have in Richard, yeah, and even O Come, All Ye Faithless [that's enough atheist hymns. God.]

A meeting of the Dawkins Foundation

3. And Richard said, "My work is not yet done. I shall found the Out Campaign, so that atheists may come out of the closet, and declare themselves publicly."

4. For do not the Christians shout abuse at us, yeah, even beat us up when they come out of Midnight Mass?

An atheist comes out of the closet

5. And it was so. And Richard saw that it was good.

6. So then Richard said, "Now let there be a fleet of buses, which may carry forth our message to the world in no uncertain terms."

7. And the first message was a message of War, which struck terror into the hearts of the Christians, the Muslims, and the Jews. A mighty army of buses bore this writing, in words of fire:

8. THERE'S PROBABLY NO GOD, BUT LET'S FACE IT WE COULD BE WRONG. THERE'S NO POINT BEING DOGMATIC ABOUT THESE THINGS. WHAT IF HE DECIDES TO SMITE US?

9. And the second message was a message of Peace, which struck terror into the hearts of counsellors, psychiatrists and social workers everywhere, as they realised that they were going to lose many customers:

10. ANYWAY, DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT IT. WHY NOT JUST SIT DOWN AND HAVE A NICE CUP OF TEA?

11. And Richard obtained his bus driver's licence, that he might drive round the country with his twin messages of War and Peace.

12. And many men entered into the buses of Richard, paid their fares, and were taken for a ride. Which was only to be expected.

A veteran of the bus wars

13. And at about this time, Richard reached the noble age of three score years and seven.

14. And the learned dons of Oxford said, "At last! We can be shot of the old coot, who is, frankly, a bit of an embarrassment to us."

15. And to make sure that he really was going, they erected a mighty silver statue in memory of the great man.

The Dawkins Monument, Oxford

16. But this was not the end of Richard's illustrious career, as we shall see.

Continued in Chapter 11

Vatican II - 50 years on

Monsignor Basil Foltus, who in 1962 was a high-flying priest in his late forties, played an important role in persuading the Second Vatican Council to throw away the Church's ancient traditions. He reflects modestly on some of the reforms he instigated.

Basil Foltus as a young priest

Which way should the priest face at Mass?

The answer to this question was obvious to me. When I ride on an omnibus, I don't want the driver to turn his back on me, in order to see where he's going, I want him to turn round and talk to me. "Monsignor Foltus, how kind of you to grace our humble omnibus with your presence! Where do you want me to take you?" he should say. In the same way, the priest should turn round, face the congregation, and ask them, "Where do you want me to take you?"

Pre-Vatican II omnibus crash on Loftus Bank, Yorkshire

Or to put it another way, should a church be more like an omnibus, or a theatre? Do we go to church because we want to follow the priest towards God, or because we want him to entertain us?

Latin - Requiescat In Pace

One casus belli at the 2nd Vatican Council was which lingua franca we should adopt for masses de futuro. We had an in camera debate on this, and I saw that it was ipso facto necessary to lead the Catholic faithful into terra incognita. You may well say "De minimis non curat lex," but whoever heard of the plebs speaking Latin? After all, cui bono?, as I pointed out. This made me a persona non grata in some circles - I remember saying "Et, tu, Brute?" to the Pope himself - but "Carpe diem" is my motto, and muttering "Excelsior!" to myself, I went on to make a prima facie case for abolishing Latin, using a powerful reductio ad absurdum argument ad nauseam, namely, "Vox Populi, Vox Dei." Having won the debate, my only thoughts were "Labor omnia vincit." Well, "Veni, vidi, vici," and we may finally say, "Quod erat demonstrandum!"

We never sing "Cave canem" at Masses in my church

Significantly, Vatican II was an opportunity to give the liturgy a good shake-up. When people come to Confession with me, I no longer ask them to say five Hail Marys as a penance - no, they are told to sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" five times. They don't come back, I can tell you!

Giving a lead to the church

Although, nominally, the leader of the Catholic Church is now a young chap operating under the alias of Benedict XVI, I still see it as my role to direct the faithful away from the sort of fuddy-duddy traditionalism that might have appealed to my father's generation - people such as Augustine and Aquinas, that is. Vatican II was the New Pentecost - the time that the Holy Spirit settled on Basil Foltus and inspired him to lead the Church into pastures new.

The author (in striped dressing-gown) witnesses the New Pentecost

I am a strong believer in free speech, and you may have heard of my threats of legal action against Fr Michael Clifton and Fr Ray Blake - dreadful traditionalists clinging to outmoded beliefs. I simply wanted them to have their say, of course, and I thought that a court of law might be the best place for it. But, in general, the Catholic Church appreciates all that I have done for it, and I still receive tokens of esteem from grateful worshippers.

A gift from an anonymous admirer

Same-sex marriage service

With Barack Obama and David Cameron anxious to bring same-sex "marriage" to a grateful USA and UK, the more advanced churches are already preparing suitable liturgies for the happy day. We have been given permission to publish some responses, included in the service to ensure that the happy couple only adhere to orthodox doctrines.

---

Q. Do you turn to Bill Gates? Do you worship Windows? Do you regard the blue screen of death as a promise of future life?

A. We sure do. What's more, when we get "program not responding" messages we shall not ask ourselves "just what the Hell is the computer doing, instead of what it was designed for?" We shall have faith in the eventual resurrection of Windows.

A believer in eternal life

Q. Do you renounce Chick-fil-A and all its works? Do you promise never to eat another chicken sandwich? (Here he may take a chicken sandwich and jump on it, shouting "Evil!")

A. We promise this. How dare they talk about "traditional" values? We're really cross! (Here the congregation may stamp its feet or give a petulant flounce, as the minister may direct.) From now on, it's Colonel "Muriel" Sanders all the way!

Diabolical symbols denoting infinite evil

Q. Do you praise and worship the Henson Corporation? Do you believe in Kermit our Lord, Piggy our Lady, and their only son Ed?

A: We believe in them. Lovely boy, Ed. Hasn't he got his father's eyes?

Lookalike: our Lord Kermit and his son Ed

Priest: Super!