De Voyage of St Eccles

1. Dere was a young man whose name was Eccles (wot meaneth "Church" or "Chappel") and he was saved. He also liked savin uvver poeple, and dey came from far and wide to read his luvvly blogg.

2. And dis Eccles was de bruvver of St Bosco, wot hath got his own book of de Bibble, so I aint sayin much about him, except dat his way of savin poeple was to get actors to dress up as preists and do nasty fings so dat he cuold put dere pitchers on his blogg.

3. Now Eccles goeth on a juorney to a far cuontry called Austriala, wot is full of boomerangs, and didgeridoos, and uvver savvage creechers. Dis was in order to look after an old lady called Judy, she dat dey calleth Moly-ben-Dite, wot was his Grate-Ant.

4. Some sayeth dat dis Judy, or Moly, hath also a grandson in Brisbane, wot was imprisoned for showin his nether regions to de Queen Eli-Zabeth when she visiteth from de North. But Moly doth deny dat it was any rellatoin, even dough dey hath very simmilar manners.

5. "Anti Moly," sayeth Eccles. "Where thou goest I is gonna go too, cos dey will lock you up if I doesnt." And dey took provisoins for de juorney, dat dey hungereth not, niether doth dey die of thirst, wot is somefink dat truobleth Moly terribly.

6. And they came upon a town called Pottymouth, which being translated meaneth "The mouth of de Rivver Potty." And dey settled in Anti Moly's luvvly home in Stickybeak Street.

7. Now Anti Moly was grately truobled by insonmia, and sleepeth not. And she crieth out in de nihgt: "Woeful! Yeah, verily, it is woeful!"

8. For she imagineth dat dere is rabits under her bed and possums jumpin up and down on de roof. But some sayeth dat it is de strong drink what is a mocker.

9. And one of de nieghbours in Stickybeak Street waxeth angry, and he sayeth unto Eccles, "We cannot abide dis Ant of yours, for she waketh us in de nihgt wiv her cries."

10. Dis maketh Moly sore wrathful too, which aint hard to do, and she grabbeth de shirt off dis nieghbours back. Den she looketh at de labbel, and sayeth, "Dat proveth it, you is a member of de Traddy Cathlic Clique wot is tormentin me."

11. And Moly she venteth her spleen by writin messages on de blogg of a man called Damain, wot was formerly a grate sage, known as de blood-crazed ferret.

12. Latterly, dis Damain aint very good at profuond spiritaul matters, as his only engagement wiv relligoin was to discuss de quallificatoins of de learned Doctor Charters, and de foolish prattle of de not quite so learned Nick Banes.

13. But Moly she continueth her vendetta against de Church, and she imagineth dat dere is sockpoppets writin, so dat she can attack dem even when dey aint dere. For it is written in de book of Joell, "Your old ladies will see visoins and dreem dreems, at least if dey dont sober up and get some propper spectacules."

14. But the time cometh when Moly sayeth unto Eccles, "Arise up, Eccles, you nubmskull. For I is called to go to Sidney to see a Holly Man, he that is called Pell. For when I was yuong, he adored me, yeah he sayeth unto me, as it is written in de Song of Sollomon:

15. Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them."

16. "Dat aint rihgt, Anti," sayeth Eccles, "cos thy teeth is in de glass of water by de side of de bed."

[Pitcher of Anti Moly's teeth removed cos it mihgt offend sensitive poeple.]

17. "Never mind dat," snappeth Anti Moly. "We is off to rejoin my beloved."

18. "Shall I saddle de ass, Anti Moly?" asketh Eccles.

19. "Nay, Eccles, thou moron," sayeth his Ant. "We is gonna take de Indian Pacific trane."

Here endeth de fust chapter of de story of Eccles's voyage to Sidney.

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Continued here.

Who will succeed Rowan?

We is very interrested in knowin who will succede Rowan Willaims as chief cosstume hollyman of de Angliccan church, so I has asked a geust blogger to give us de front runners.

John Sentamu, Archbishop of York.

From now on I'm not going to wear socks until Mugabe is deposed.

Although at first sight, St Emu is in pole position to take over at Canterbury, his insistence on traditional Christian values will probably count against him. There are worrying rumours that he will attempt to reinstate Bible-reading in churches, and not just the politically-correct bits.

Richard London, Bishop of Chartres.

When the St Paul's protesters shout at 6 a.m., they are, in a very real sense, giving us a wake-up call.

A popular choice among the liberal wing of the Anglican church, Chartres is said to have the Queen's ear (although it could be someone else's in that pickle jar). However, Chartres suffers from the fact that his intellectual credentials will always be in doubt, since he does not have a "proper" doctorate like Damian Thompson.

Jeffrey John, Bishop Dean of St Alban's.

I'm only in this job for the fancy dresses.

Strongly supported by those who want to see a "gay" Archbishop. Tipped to be the first homosexual to be "married" in a Church of England service. It would be most unkind to say that the main reason that he was not promoted is that he is a power-crazed pervert.

Katharine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop of the American Episcopalian Church.

Men!! Arentchasickofem??

Women bishops are on the way, and what better way to bring them in than to start with the Battleaxe-in-chief of the American Episcopalians? Bishop Schori is believed to be female, but when our reporter asked her to "get 'em off and prove it," she was strangely unwilling to comply.

Kieran Conry, Bishop of Arundel and Brighton.

Pope Benedict XVI really hasn't got a clue, has he?

Although technically a Catholic, Kieran Conry has shown such a scepticism about traditional Catholic beliefs and practices that his attitudes are indistinguishable from those of many Anglicans, apart from being even wackier.

Eccles, currently caring for his aunt.

Ullo, has you been saved like me?

A surprise candidate, Eccles is a celebrity blogger who could save the Anglican church. If chosen, he will get rid of the "costume holy man" role of the Archbishop, and insist on cement doves in Canterbury Cathedral.

Gohst writers

As I has alreddy mentoined, we is lookin for someone to gohst-write my Anti Moly's memiors. We has now had offers from de gohsts of three poeple wot knew her when she was a little girl. Each one has sent me a specinem of dere work, but I dont fink any of dem is quite what we wanted.

The trouble with aunts, by P.G. Wodehouse

"What a lovely day it is today, Jeeves!" I exclaimed, as my man shimmered into the room bearing a glass of the old Calvados Chapel brandy. "I am feeling particularly saved today, don't you know?"

"I fear that your Aunt Moly is at the door, sir" responded my man Jeeves. "That is why I am taking the liberty of fortifying you for an encounter with her."

"ECCLES!" screamed the aged relative, slamming the door behind her, grabbing my brandy glass, and hurling it through the window. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY WRITING THIS VILE AND SLANDEROUS BLOG OF YOURS WHICH I NEVER READ?"

Recently, to oblige my older brother Bosco, I had written a little blog explaining how the only way to salvation lies in being a personal friend of Jesus, and how Catholics in particular are doomed to the Lake of Fire. I inadvertently mentioned that the chaps in the Drones club are also tipping my dear Aunt Moly for a prime spot in the aforementioned L.o.F., and this is what seems to have riled her.

"But the disciple John says..."

"TELL THE DISCIPLE JOHN FROM ME THAT HE'S A FOOL AND A WOEFUL SOCKPUPPET," replied my aunt, laying me out unconscious with a solidly-bound Calvary Chapel Bible. When I came to my senses, my Aunt had left, and Jeeves was struggling to revive me.

The importance of being harassed, by Oscar Wilde

"So, Mr Pell, it is time you declared your intentions towards my sweet daughter Judith, known in Australian Society as the Rose of Pottymouth. Judy, dear, there is no need to choke the life out of Mr Pell; pray allow him to answer."

"Well, Lady Haddock, I scarcely know your daughter. We have exchanged but a few words since we met."

"There is no need for you to have an exchange of words, Mr Pell. There is only one thing more pointless than talking to Judy, and that is listening to Judy. Investing in a pair of earplugs is your surest route to marital bliss."

"But..."

"Mr Pell. Since I made Judith's father the happiest man in Pottymouth, he has confined himself to producing endless drafts of his magnum opus, his own suicide note. As yet, it is unfinished, despite my every attempt to bring it to a conclusion. Now, you will find that, like her mother, my daughter has enough conversation for two. Should you stay up until 5 a.m. one night, and think of retiring to bed, you will find that she is still chattering away, mingling her insults with her anecdotes in a tapestry of tedium which has brought her so many admirers."

"Mother, every time we meet he jumps into a billabong to get away from me. That's twice he's done it. Such is life, eh? Woeful."

"I fell in, Lady Haddock."

"Mr Pell, to fall into a billabong once may be regarded as a misfortune. To fall in twice looks like carelessness."

"But, Lady Haddock, I was hoping to train as a priest, with a view to becoming a bishop and eventually a cardinal."

"A PRIEST, Mr Pell? You would throw away the love of a gentle sweet maiden in order to follow the cult of a sky fairy? Are you no better than a Bronze Age goat herd, sir? I scarcely think that you are a fit person to wed my precious daughter Judith."

The case of the secular journalist, by Arthur Conan Doyle

"This case presents interesting features, Eccles!" said my friend Sherlock Holmes, as he perused the Telegraph website. "I have been consulted about the problem of a Catholic journalist, formerly known for his wittily acidic commentary on religious matters. This latter-day Swift has now given up all pretence at serious debate, and is dumbing down and writing banalities to please the masses."

"Could he be looking for a job on the Daily Mail?" I wondered. "All he needs to do is to start writing about celebrities and their baby bumps, and they will take him like a shot. That's what happened to Simon Heffer."

Holmes nodded gloomily to me, and injected himself with a 7% solution of Mother Odone's Elixir (guaranteed to help you escape from reality). Then he picked up his trusty Stradivarius didgeridoo, and boomed out a few bars of Elton John's haunting song "Candle in the wind."

"It's my own arrangement," said my friend, unnecessarily, as our neighbours started hammering desperately on the wall.

At that moment the door opened, and a wizened old lady entered, clutching a gin bottle and tunelessly singing "Roll me over in the clover, Roll me over, Lay me down, and do it again." She then cackled evilly and said "We've won! We've managed to kill Damian Thompson's interest in religion! Now the masses are forced to read Ruth Gledhill."

"These are deep waters, Eccles," said Sherlock Holmes. "This poor sad creature is not just the simple witch that she seems to be; rather, she is a professional blog-troll from Australia, although formerly employed as a cleaner in a molybdenite-processing factory. Look at her shoes, and you will see what I mean. Did I ever mention that I have written a small monograph classifying 2048 types of mineral dust?"

"Amazing, Holmes. Can this be the solution to the Thompson mystery which has baffled readers all round the world?" I asked.

"In part, Eccles," replied my friend. "But I would draw your attention to the curious incident of Vincent Nichols, when the Catholic church was under attack."

"But Vincent Nichols did nothing!" I said.

"That was the curious incident," explained Sherlock Holmes.

Banning the cross

I has cut dis artticle out of de Dialy Tellegraph. Singed Eccles (saved).

---

The Government reaffirmed today its intention of banning the cross from all aspects of public life, since it is a religious symbol causing terrible offence to atheists (also known as humanists, secularists, rationalists, etc. when they're running scared of the A word). The damaging effects of this CR*SS are so powerful that, as surveys have shown, approximately 80% of atheists are deeply disturbed individuals with only a tenuous grasp of reality.

BANNED from all supermarkets will be the dreadful hot cr*ss bun, a cake known to inspire terror wherever it is seen. A certain Polly T. of London and Tuscany commented, "Eeek! It's one of those religious things! To me it signifies nothing but brain-washing and child abuse. Disgraceful!"

BANNED is the humble plus sign, which resembles a cr*ss. A certain Richard D. of Oxford and Colney Hatch commented, "I never use plus signs. No need - my arguments simply don't add up to anything. BAN THEM! Aaaarggghhhhh!!!"

The Red Cr*ss was tonight said to be reconsidering its position.

Religious leaders have also waded into the debate. A certain Rowan W. of Canterbury and Lambeth made a typically hard-hitting comment. "You know, in a very real sense, I think that we Christians should be only too pleased to discard the more controversial parts of our faith, such as belief in the crucifixion and resurrection. After all, they only jeopardise our chances of a truly meaningful dialogue with other faiths. The time has come to stand up and be counted, and to say in no uncertain terms, 'We wouldn't dream of offending anyone, my dear friends.'"

It seems that from now on, only outlaws and pirates will continue to use the hated symbol of the cr*ss. Said a prominent activist, "Long" John S. of Bristol and Treasure Island, "Aha! Jim Lad! Shiver me timbers!" However, Mr S. will not get everything his own way: this evening a Ban The Cross spokesman commented "He should drop this campaign of his: he really hasn't got a leg to stand on."

Anti Moly's Memiors

"Has you got any organs, Anti?" I asked my dere Grate-Ant Moly a few days ago.
"Well, we has got an old barrel organ in de attic," she said. "As you know, I was a virtouso performer of de Yakety Sax tune at Methoddist funerals, in my yuonger days. Also I used to take Bosco out into de street to make music, when he was a wee lad."

Dat's Anti Moly and my dere bruvver Bosco givvin a recittal in de street.

"Nope, I don't fink dat's what I meant, Anti," I explaned. "You see dere is a loony in Manchesster wot finks dat Jessus had both male and female organs. Dem's what dey calls hermenuetics. De Pop knows all about it."

Anti Moly told me I was an idoit (dem's creul words, Anti), and went on to reveel dat de time has come to write her memiors, becuase she has lived a very interrestin life, and it is only rihgt dat de humman race shuold be able to read all abuot it. At pressent all she does is reveal little snippets of her autoboigraphy on uvver poeple's blogg, which of cuorse is much more interrestin dan discussin de actaul topic of de blogg.

"But you is very busy, Anti, pickin fights wiv Cathlics 24/7," I said. "Why doesnt you get someone to gohst-write de book?"
"Dat's a good idea, Eccles," said Anti Moly. "I can tell dem de story about how I trekked in de Himalayers lookin for de Dolly Llama, and got mistaken for de Abonimable Snowman. Also de true facts about my romances wiv Hermann Gorring and Cradinal Pell. Den dey can write it up propperly."

Anti is still very cross becuase George Pell refusses to admit dat he ever knew her, but she is tryin to console herself wiv anuvver admirrer, wot comes ruond to drink cammomile tea wiv her (dat's a code word we is now using for cream de menth, cos we doesnt want people to fink she drinks a lot).

We has tried askin St Cuttley, de cellebrated novelist, author of de best-cellar "Thopmson takes charge," to gohst-write Anti's memiors, but he has very pollitely declinned, cos de stresses of copin wiv his fambly is keepin him too busy.

I mentoined to Anti Moly dat dere is a tallented writer wot keeps donkeys on de Costa Blanca (Spane), and wot is very used to writin under false names, but she went into a fit of historics and I had to give her some more cammomile tea - if you knows what I mean (dere is a sutble clue below).

So we is still finkin abuot a gohst-writer. Dere's a cosstume holly man called Peter Mullen wot has retired now, and mihgt be availlable. Or else dere is Damain Thopmson, wot dont seem to be doin very much dese days.

I spose I might try writin up Anti Moly's memiors myself, but I is reely quite busy wiv dis blogg, wot gives spiritaul nuorishment to many poeple who wants to be saved.

I is concluddin today wiv a jolly pitcher of a dove, as authenticatted by Anti Moly de grate orthinologist. I fink it is saying "Ho Ho, you aint saved!"

A geust blogger, de Brad of Avon

It aint easy to keep writin spiritaully nuorishin fings about how Bosco and me is saved, and de Cathlics is all headin for de Lake of Fire, so I has got a geust blogger to do it for me todday.

Well, God's above all; and there be souls must be saved, and there be
souls must not be saved.
(Othello)

For mine own part,—no offence to the general, nor any man of quality,—
I hope to be saved.
(Othello)

Descend to darkness and the burning lake!
(Henry VI part II)

Enough; I read your fortune in your eye.
Was this the idol that you worship so?
(Two Gentlemen of Verona)

O thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipp'd, kiss'd, loved and adored!
And, were there sense in his idolatry,
My substance should be statue in thy stead.
(Two Gentlemen of Verona)

Quit presently the chapel, or resolve you
For more amazement. If you can behold it,
I'll make the statue move indeed, descend
And take you by the hand.
(Winter's Tale)

Boskos vauvado: I understand thee, and can speak thy tongue.
(All's Well That Ends Well)

But, good my brother,
Do not as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven.
(Hamlet)

But what is your affair in Elsinore?
We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart.
(Hamlet)

Priest, beware your beard,
I mean to tug it and to cuff you soundly:
Under my feet I stamp thy cardinal's hat:
In spite of pope or dignities of church,
Here by the cheeks I'll drag thee up and down.
(Henry VI Part I)

Yet I alone, alone do me oppose
Against the pope and count his friends my foes.
(King John)

The piece of tender air, thy virtuous daughter,
Which we call 'mollis aer;' and 'mollis aer'
We term it 'mulier'.
(Cymbeline)

If there be more, more woeful, hold it in;
For I am almost ready to dissolve,
Hearing of this.
(King Lear)

Well, dat's all de Shakespere you needs to know. Dere is some uvver stuff no duobt, but it aint needed for Salivation.

De Pop uses Twitter

Now dat de Pop is gonna use Twitter, we has used de crytsal ball to see wot de future holds. I is puttin de older messages first.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
Well here I am on Twitter. I had been wondering for weeks what @stephenfry has for breakfast. Porridge, apparently.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@holysmoke Damian Thompson, you SchweineFerret, I have a better right to be called @holysmoke than you do! I'm warning you.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@stbosco Why have you sent me 200 messages telling me I am not saved? I am the Pope, of course I'm saved.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
I feel like saying something infallible today. Anyone got any good ideas?

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@vincentnichols No, no red hat until you start behaving properly. Ask @holysmoke to give you a list of the things you're doing wrong.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@fatherarthur If I write a letter saying that you're a priest in good standing, will you stop badgering me?

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@molybdenite No, I really am the Pope, and not a sockpuppet. And stop calling me Woeful.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@stbosco No, I haven't tortured anyone for several weeks.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
This is quite addictive, isn't it? I seem to have missed an audience with @silvioberlusconi and his 25 lady friends. Mea culpa.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@eccles Love the blog, Eccles. Anti Moly still giving you trouble, eh? Cardinal @avvelenatore suggests sleeping tablets in her gin.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@stbosco Yes, surprising as it may seem, I have read the Bible.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
Well, time to go. They're repeating 'Allo 'Allo on TV and it reminds me of old times. Doesn't Herr Flick remind you of @richarddawkins?

The Debate of The Century

We are pleased to provide a transcript of the Debate of The Century, where a biologist and a theologian debate the existence of God. We hope it is more successful than last week's Debate of The Century, where a nuclear physicist and an art critic debated the existence of the Higgs Boson.

That's the biologist, Richard Dawkins (right), relaxing with an unidentified friend.

And that's the theologian, Rowan Williams (right), with a poor beggar who does't have any proper clothes.

The referee is Sir Anthony Kenny, who is a black belt in Judo, and able to stop the two protagonists from killing each other.

Let the debate commence!

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Dawkins: Let me say first of all, as a trained biologist, that snakes cannot talk. I wrote a thesis in animal behaviour, and spent 3 years trying to persuade a serpent to say "Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?" but it never got further than "Dawkins, you're an idiot." See? I've refuted one of the main tenets of your faith. Admit it, Beardie. Go on, admit it.

Williams: Thank you, Richard. May I say that this is a most useful and constructive contribution to our dialogue. In one sense, are we not all struggling to articulate an awareness of our own idiocy? Let me bring in philosophy for a moment.

Dawkins: Philosophy? That means "stamp-collecting," doesn't it? I've never had any time for it.

Williams: Well, in a very real sense it means that. But, if I may go further, it is also to do with the fundamental problems of our existence. Are we really here? I may be sticking my neck out here, but I like to think that, in many ways, there is something to be said for the theory that we are.

Dawkins: Talking of stamps... when I put a letter in a red box and it is magically transported to another place, am I supposed to deduce from that the existence of a postman? No, it is the genetic code in the envelope causing it to move of its own accord.

Williams: Perhaps I could venture to bring in Jesus Christ here, since we were talking about religion earlier?

Dawkins: Who?

Williams: Well, He appears later on in the Bible, and in a very real sense may be regarded as a somewhat relevant and meaningful person in the context of Christian thought.

Dawkins: Oh I stopped reading after Genesis. What a load of rubbish that was. What's the point of it? It was written by King James in 1611, anyway. What did he know about evolutionary biology? Look, we were all living in the Dark Ages until Darwin came along with his ground-breaking book called, um, "The Origin of the..." er... Oh my God, what's it called... it's on the tip of my tongue...

Williams: Species?

Dawkins: Yes, I like making speeches, and love having huge crowds of adoring teenagers saying "Richard, how can one man be so brilliant?" Have you ever read Genesis? That God chap. What a monster, eh? Took Adam, ripped his rib out, and made a woman out of it. When I was a research biologist I was able to show that it wasn't possible to make a whole woman out of a man's rib. All I could make was a rather nice table lamp. And even then I had to buy the wires and the bulb. Well, that proves that you Christians know nothing.

Williams: Well, it's not my job to preach to you, but...

Kenny: We're going to have to wrap this debate up soon, but do you have any final philosophical points to make? Does Occam's Razor tell us something?

Williams: Ha ha, I'm afraid I don't use Occam's Razor. And when I read the works of Bernard Shaw, I realised that Shavian philosophy was not for me either.

Dawkins: Well, I must be toddling off now, I've got a "Dawkins Youth" rally to attend. Don't think I'm one of those dreadful atheists, I'm just a humble agnostic who wants the Pope burnt at the stake. (Exit)

Williams: I thought that went very well, didn't you? In one sense we are all saying the same thing about religion, and sharing some very positive dialogue about whether God really exists. It reminds me of the General Synod.

Bird watchin

My Anti Moly, who is a keen reader of dis blogg, said to me, "Eccles, dear, why doesnt you tell your faithfull public about me bein a keen birdwatcher, wot can tell a koot from a cookaburrer even when I has been drinkin? I fink it will stop dem from mockin me all de time. I is a twitcher, you know."

"I has notticed," I repplied. "Maybe you should lay off de gin a bit, Anti?"

She hit me wiv a fryin pan at dat point, I fink she been watchin too many Tom and Jerry cartons. So I went off to look at some old phottos dat Anti Moly has kept.

Dat's a photto of my dere Ant as a young girl in de 1930s (she's de one on de right), starin at a bird and sayin confiddently, "Um, dat's a rare speceis of albbatross, but dem traddy Cathlics likes to prettend dat it aint." Dat's in de days before Goggle and Wikkipedia, so she cuoldn't be omnicsient, like she is now. But even in dem days she had a wide knowlegde of our fevvered freinds.

Here is anuvver photto of my Anti as a young girl, watchin a bird. She says it may be a very big duck.

De bird watchin habit she got explanes de followin photto, which she has by de side of her bed for senttimental reasons.

She tells me dat it is Cradinal Pell, as a yuong man, trying to win Moly's affectoin by gettin her a Norwegain Blue parrott as a birfday present. I fink de parrott must have died.

I asked my Anti Moly wot was her favuorite bird, and she said, "Dey all tastes nice if you cooks em properly. When I was yuong my Mom used to give us stewed doddos, but den dey became extinct so we had to stop eatin em." She did confess a waekness for vulltures, cos dey picks over de remanes of corpses. Dat's a bit like what Anti Moly does when she comes to Damain Thopmson's blog and she replies to debates when everryone else went home six months ago.

Of course when I asked Bosco wot his favuorite bird was, he explaned dat to be saved you has to worhsip cemment doves like we does at de Calumny Chappell.

Dat's my dere bruvver Bosco wiv what he says is a real dove. But Anti Moly, de expert orthinologist, is sure dat it's a barn owl, so I dunno what to fink. Has Bosco and me been kissin cemment owls by mistake? If so, can we still be saved?

Relligiuos News

Now dat Damain Thopmson has thrown in de towell, it is up to me Eccles to give you de informed commentarry on de week's relligiuos news.

---

De Pop got a visit from Barroness Warrsi, wot is a Brittish polliticain and a Muslim. Dis was very confussin to me, as de Pop aint allowed to talk to wommen, and Muslim girls aint allowed to talk to men, so I calls dat an impass. But it seems dat in de interests of world peace dey was allowed to be more freindly dan ussual.

Dere main point of agreement was dat dey doesnt like Evan Harrass, wot is a seckularist dat dey calls Dr Death. Sometimes when I goes knokcin on doors and sayin "Ullo, bruvver, has you been saved?" I finds that de old folks I is talkin to says "Nope, anyways we is just off on holliday to a place called Dignittas." Dat Evan Harrass finks it's a wonderful place, but strangley he never goes dere himself, and we aint never met anyone who has been dere.

---

Richard Dakwins has got hisself into trubble. Dey asked him about Darwin's book "De origin of de speeches" but he cuoldn't rememmber who wrote it and started prayin for divine inspirratoin. So he got humilliated by Giles Fraser, wot is a costume holly man who lost his job and now lives in a tent outside St Pauls. Dakwins reckoned dat you needs to know all de books of de Bibble in order, if you is a true Chritsian. I knows dem of cuorse, for example if you says "4" to me, I replies "Nubmers", cos 4 is a nubmer.

Acksherly I is very cross wiv Dakwins, as he has written a book abuot me, which seems to be a bit creul. I fink he is angry about de hard-hittin blogg I writes explanin dat he aint saved.

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Biddeford Town Counsel has been told by a jugde (or cosstume unholly man) dat dey aint allowed to have prayers before dey meets. It seems dat de Natoinal Seckular Soceity throws a wobbly if you mentoins religoin in publick. De jugde in questoin is called Mr Justice Ouseless, and we fink dat de next fing he gonna do is stop de oath in his court. My bruvver Bosco once tried swearin "I promises to tell de truth, de hole truth and nuffink but de truth, but if I doesnt den dont worry, M'Lud, as I is alreddy saved, and I aint gonna go to de Lake of Fire like you is," but dey said dat was Contemtp of Cuort.

Late news: de Minnister, Mr Eric Pickles has overturned de jugdement and so it is now OK to sing "Has you been saved? Yeah!" in Counsel meetins. But I spose de Cathlic Counsellors is gonna be bringin in iddles and kissin em all day long, so it aint all good news.

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Well I has run out of relligious news so we is back to discussin my dere fambly. Dere has been more sightins of my bruvver Bosco, which is surprisin as we fuoght he was still in Callifornia. He is now a 13th degree freemasson warrlock, and maybe at dat levvel dey is allowed to have astral boddies. At any rate, we keeps seein him actin suspiciuosly near Cathlic churhces. Bosco if you is readin dis, please git in tuoch.

Anti Moly has got a new tattoo, we finks it is somefink to do wiv her long-runnin passoin for Cradinal Pell.

Howevver, she is also a grate admirer of de handsome good looks of Micheal Vorris, a traddy Cathlic wot she saw on de televisoin. To me it seems like de storry of de beuaty and de beast all over again, excpet dat dis time it is de beast wot is female.

An ecumanacle service

We was invitted to an Ecumanacle Servvice at de local Cathlic Churhc of St Daryll de Apostate. Dis is part of dere attemtps to make Cathlicism poppular wiv de pubblic, by gettin rid of old-fashoined ideas like God and Jessus, and opening de doors to Athiests, Wickans, Driuds, Aztecks, Muvver Earth-Goddess worshippers, etc. Dey weren't too keen on havvin any Chritsians or saved poeple like me, but I had to be dere cos my Anti Moly wanted to go, and I had to stop her makin an exhibitoin of herself.

Dey has iddles in St Daryll's Churhc as dey is Cathlics, and cant live wivvout dem, but dey said dat after Vattican II dey has taken out Jessus, Mary, Josseph, etc. and repplaced dem wiv Marie Stopes, Nelson Mandella, and Che Guevvara, wot is more in tune wiv contemporrary beleifs.

Dat's a jolly pitcher of an Azteck service wot is in de Spirrit of Vattican II, but we didn't have dat sort of fing todday. We had a powerful sermmon from Farver McDonut, de fammous eco-clerric, who had jetted in specailly from Cancan in Mexxico. He was tellin us dat Jessus wasnt as brihgt as poeple makes out cos He forgot to warn us of de two grate evils of our day, dat's globbal warmin and gennetically moddified foods.

Farver McDonut jetts round de world every week tellin poeple to minnimize dere crabon footprints, like de one above. As a ressult he has seen globbal warmin at first hand. He went to de Malldive Islands, and de probblem of risin sea levvels was so bad dat his hotel room got knee deep in water. Later he discovered dat he had left de tap on while prayin to St Albert de Gorey, so maybe fings aint so bad, I dunno. Farver McDonut is workin on a new translatoin of de litturgy where dey takes out hard words like "consubstantail" and adds a prayer sayin dat wind turbins is a pretty neat idea, cos dey niether toils nor spins, like it says in de Bibble.

Den we got a talk from de luvvly Sister Wendy of de Transvestite Nuns of Intollerance. She explaned dat in de Bibble it was made clear dat wommen was better dan men at most fings, e.g. negotiatin wiv serpents about friut suplies, givvin haircuts to strong men, knockin tent pegs frew dere freind's branes, and smashin bottles of perfum over Jessus's head.

Dat's a Bibblical womman, Jeal, wot we gotta fink of as a roll moddle for de moddern girl. Actaully it looks like Anti Moly in her yuonger days, tryin to attract de attentoin of Cradinal Pell.

In de 21st centurry, Sister Wendy said, it is a fact dat wommen is better dan men at crossword puzles, sowin on buttons, and changin nappies. Aint dat irrefuttable evvidence dat de Pop is a missorganist, cos he aint givvin way to de inevvitable demands from wommen for orddinatoin?

Well we sang lots of inspirrin hynms about lettin wommen have de rihgt to choose, how Jessus was a big sexxist, and dat Good and Evill is wot you wants em to be. Dem libberal Cathlics is certianly at de forefront of modern thoelogy.

St Daryll's is runnin a competitoin to write your own hynm: you gotta mentoin equallity and diversitty, inclussiveness, health and safety, multiculturalims, sustianability, etc. and keep off discreddited topics like faith, hope, charrity, sin, redemptoin and duty. I aint much good at dis - does annyone know a good rhyme for "Biodiversitty"?

I was lookin out of de winder of de churhc when I saw dis strangely familliar figger, wot seems to be spyin on de Cathlics. Could it be my dere bruvver Bosco de 8th degree freemasson warrlock on a specail missoin?

Where has all de Cathlics gone?

Dat's a photto of Prince Chalres. Anti Moly is very excitted cos he and Camila is comin to Austriala as part of de celebratoins of de Jubillee. "I was hoppin for Prince Phillip, as I fink he's a charmin yuong man," she said, "but Chalres will do instead. Dis is a very thuoghtful man, and maybe he can do somefink about dem possums dat is tormentin me. Dey is keepin me awake all night, jumpin up and down on de roof, so I can't sleep, and I is obligged to stay up bloggin till dawn."

What's more she is frustratted as she cant find any more Cathlics to insullt. Dey has all gone off to an unknown destinnatoin. "Dey're hidin somewhere, I knows it!" she shouts. "Eccles, just check under de bed in case dere is a fannatical traddy clique hidin dere, will you?"

She was very cross wiv me, cos I buoght some banananas from a man in de street. For some reasons she didn't like dem.

"Eccles, hasnt you reallised dat dem's traddy banananas, grown on de Pop's pussonal slave plantatoins, where wommen is explioted, while de missogynist men sits aruond playin cards?" she asked me. I mannaged to run out of de room before she cuold tell me it was woful.

We has had to return little Markus de boy scuot to de orphannage, so dat Anti and me can make an expeditoin to Sidney, but he is feelin very pleased wiv hisself, cos Uncle Dakwins has given him some more badges.

"Dis one is for mentoinin Spinozza on a blogg. I fuoght he was a sort of washin-machine, but Uncle Richard says he is a ratoinalist, like me, which means he is much clevverer dan dem bronze age people wot believed in sky farries," he said. "Next week I is gonna get annuvver badge if I can read a page of Bertram Russell wivvout fallin asleep."

Dat's a pitcher of Spinozza bein ratoinal, he's finkin hard and havvin a meltdown like Anti Moly.

Finally I has got some news of my dere bruvver Bosco. Since he posted on dis blogg sayin dat he was gonna train as a 90th degree freemasson warrlock, his studdies has been goin very well. He tells me dat he is alreddy at de 5th degree, and will soon be reddy to drink de blud of babbies, scarifice vergins, and pioson little old laddies. He has got a schollarship from de Obamma fuondatoin for his studdies - apparently Pressident Obamma is very keen on fings like dat, cos dey annoys de Cathlics.

Dat's Bosco's homework project, dey has to use up some spare parts and make somefink wiv dem. I fink it cuold be a new luv interrest for Anti Moly - frankly, I fink he's more her type dan Cradinal Pell is.

Dr Eccles's probblem page

Now dat I has got an e-male address of my own, I has been inunndated wiv requests from people wiv probblems wot wants to be saved. I is postin some of dem, anonnymised, wiv my advice.

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Q. For several years I have been running a religious blog (let's call it Sanctus Fumus) on a national newspaper, but it has gradually been taken over by atheists, trolls, and liberals. The problem is that I am not really interested in religion these days: the pressing issues that keep me awake at night are whether Richard Chartres has got a real doctorate and why Johann Hari still gets invited to media parties when I am not. I told the commentators on my blog that I hated them all and wouldn't read their comments, but they still insist on posting. What can I do? "Depressed" of Notting Hill.

Dr Eccles replies: Ullo, Depressed. Perhaps de time has come to stop writin your blogg, as you cant compete wiv de real spiritaul giants like Bosco and me. Has you fuoght of a new career, maybe as a wieght-lifter or a truck-driver? Dey has got very few poeple wiv Ph.D.s and a good head of hair, so maybe dey will be impressed.

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Q. I am a bishop in good standing living in a large northern city. My main hobbies are (1) making new translations of the liturgy into the vernacular - indeed, the Yorkshire edition ("Eee, lads and lasses, the Lord be with thee, like!") will be out next year - and (2) closing down churches. I think I can best serve the world by becoming an Archbishop, and then perhaps a Cardinal, maybe even Pope. Do you have any tips? "Ambitious" of the Vatican of the North.

Dr Eccles replies: Ullo, your grace. If you is gonna be a cosstume holly man, you sure wants to get the best cosstumes. Has you fuoght of dressin up as a Cradinal, or even de Pop, when you goes shoppin? Red hats is on offer dis week at Mitres 'R' Us. Den your name will be drawn to de attentoin of dem in de Vattican wot decides dese fings.

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Q. G'day, cobber, I am an Antipodean Cardinal, but I am being stalked by a loopy old sheila from Adelaide. Sometimes she e-mails me 50 times a day, even staying up all night long to do so, telling me how woeful her feelings are. She claims that we were very close 50 years ago, although I really think it must be her imagination. Now she is threatening to come to Sydney and chuck herself at my feet at my next service (which is a Blessing of Aboriginal Boomerangs). Can you help? "Harassed" of Oz.

Dr Eccles replies: I finks I knows dis dame, your Grace, and I will see what I can do to restrane her. Or if you felt like a job-swap wiv a bishop in de north of Enggland, I fink I could arrange it, and you would both be much happier.

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Q. I am a very senior Anglican cleric with my own beard and a passing interest in religion, especially the more obscure aspects that cannot be put into meaningful words. On the one hand, I have a problem, but then on the other hand perhaps I don't. I think both points of view are equally valid, don't you? So perhaps you can help me, or then again maybe we should simply appreciate our wonderful diversity of opinions and be grateful for the opportunity of this truly Christian dialogue. And I am sure that my patron saint, St Heisenberg the Uncertain, would have said the same in a very real sense. "Waffles" of Lambeth.

Dr Eccles replies: I fink we needs to go back to basics here. Is you saved, bruvver?

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Q. I am a retired professor from a major British university, who has written many books explaining why God cannot possibly exist, and how we are nothing but a bunch of genes stuck together with superglue. What's more, I have my own Foundation for Science and Reason, a street full of bendy-buses with the hard-hitting message "There's probably no God, but we're not so sure, come to think of it" on them, and a lovely wife who comes from the planet Gallifrey. However, I have been reading your blog, and I have this nagging feeling that after all I may have got things wrong, and I am making a fool of myself. How can I back down without being lynched by my followers? "Sky fairy" of Oxford.

Dr Eccles replies: De way of Salivation aint allways easy, bruvver. I fink you needs to find your local Calumny Chappel, and see whats on offer. You can prettend dat you is doin resaerch for a new book on why God aint as smart as you. Also git some cement doves for de sittin-room wall, dey is allways usefull.

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Q. I am the leader of a major world religion, but I am nearly 85 years old and getting a bit tired of having to put up with rebellious bishops and so-called liberal Catholics who don't seem to have a clue about the fundamental doctrines of their faith. I see that the Daily Telegraph has no serious religious blogs at the moment, and I wonder whether they would like to give a job to one who really knows what's going on. "Insider" of Rome.

Dr Eccles replies: Deer Insider, I hears on de grapvine dat Damain Thopmson is soon gonna be retirin from de blood-crazy ferret job, to become a hairdresser. So maybe dere will be a vaccancy soon.