This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Writing to your M.P.

Dear Pigface

Not the best way to start your letter.

At this time many people will be writing to their Members of Parliament about the issue of same-sex marriage. We offer a few tips, designed to help you write the most effective and persuasive letter.

There are many ways to start the letter: "Dear Sir" or "Dear Madam" is the traditional way, but it may lay you open to a charge of transphobia. "Dear Humanoid" is safe enough, and may be used if you are uncertain of the exact species of your M.P.


Dear Humanoid.

Alternatively, you may wish to use the M.P.'s name, but be careful: Sir Archibald FitzHaggis of that Ilk should be addressed as "Dear Archie" or "Dear Spotty" if you know him well enough, but NOT "Dear Ilk." Starting your letter "Harriet, you old cow," "Dave, you slimy creep," or "Gordon, you lazy toad" is unlikely to endear yourself to the M.P. in question.

Next, you may wish to explain how religion influences your views on same-sex marriage. For example, if you are a Christian of some sort, then you probably want to uphold Christ's own views on marriage (unless you are Giles Fraser).

Woman in yukky biretta

How many mistakes can you spot in this picture (not counting Giles Fraser)?

Mentioning that you are a Catholic may be counterproductive if your M.P. has been reading the inane ramblings of Richard Dawkins. It may be safer to say you are an Anglican, and hope that the M.P. will feel sorry for you. Claiming to be a Muslim may be very effective, especially if you offer to go round to the M.P.'s house with some friends to explain yourself further. If you happen to be a Scientologist, Jehovah's Witness, Mormon or Druid, then forget it: your M.P. won't even read the rest of the letter.


So that's agreed, then. We'll say we're Methodists.

Some other persuasive arguments you may use:

Blackmail. Say you know all about Eulalie (this is the P.G. Wodehouse ploy). There are many macho-looking M.P.s in mining constituences who design lingerie in their spare time. If you're called "The Thug of Gritville" you may not want your feminine side to be known. (Of course, being a thug is an equal-opportunity role, and there are many female M.P.s who rejoice in nicknames such as "The Battleaxe of Milton Pangle." Use your initiative here.)

I know all about Peggy

Our "Peggy" range is selling well too.

Money. Most M.P.s love money, and will do anything for a little extra cash. The simple words "I have long respected you, and felt that your life would be enriched by the gift of a duck house" will go straight to the heart of your M.P.

Duck house

Essential equipment for an M.P.

Embarrassment. It may seem excessive, but you could threaten to throw yourself under the M.P.'s car, or simply to turn up on the M.P.'s doorstep with a particularly ugly "love child." There is a problem here, in that most M.P.s, having no sense of shame, are not easily embarrassed.

Well, I hope that has been useful. Probably, it will also be helpful to send a copy of the photo below to your M.P., just to convince him completely.

Poor motherless child

If he sings "Where's your mother gone?" again, I'm going to be sick.


  1. Can I address a letter to my MP as "Dear Unsaved Pusson"?

  2. Darling eccles, if my MP is known as pig face, is it still alright to call him that, or would it be more tactful to start it ' Dear Tom' - though that is not his real name, but I haz changed it to protect the guilty pusson?

  3. Oh Petrus, I think Eccles will say that's pretty good. But remember Eccles says exercise caution or he/she whatever, won't read your letter. So wait till the end to say you are going to Hell and beside that you're really stupid.

    1. I agree. Start tactfully and don't mentoin de Lake of Fire until de last paragrafh.

  4. Wow that baby he/she, I guess they don't know yet, anyway,is way prettier than it's Mum/Dad. I bet it's not his/her real Mum/Dad.

  5. Dearw Reeeally Reeeally Cleverw Pusson Eccles, I AllWays take yourw adbice,but I surwe wish we could put "Dearw PigFace",

  6. Not wanting to queer your pitch - so to speak - Eccles, perhaps in today’s world of gender identity confusion, “Dear Sir or Madam” might cover all the bases.

    Then again, perhaps not.

    So, alternatively, try: “Dear Sir/Madam or SMadam”

    That should do it.

  7. ...I would appeal to our patron saint of politicians...thomas more...and ask him if he can put together a heavenly crew to help us muddling mortals out....

  8. Dear Honorable Memeber, surely?
    hafter avoid anything Pauline i'text, they might make the connect.

  9. ...Pigface is indeed rude however on the farm among a generation of swine the one eye pig is king...