This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

The Westminster Iron Tonic

Olympic cyclist

After drinking Westminster Iron Tonic, I became an Olympic cyclist.

Are you a pathetic "Magic Circle" bishop, unwilling to take a stance on any issue at all? Do Telegraph journalists kick sand in your face? Are you fêted by the Tablet as someone who will never do anything to shake the liberal consensus?


Iron tonic

A spoonful of this daily, and you'll soon be noticed!

A satisfied customer, VN of London, writes:

I was a puny seven-stone archbishop, upon whom everyone looked down with scorn. They praised my macho friends Philip Egan and Mark Davies, while saying that I lacked backbone. But then my life changed...


The day I beat "mad dog" Williams in the archiepiscopal arm-wrestling championships.

My friend Tony Mennini told me to take a spoonful a day of Westminster Iron Tonic. I did so, and felt the iron rush through my bloodstream - yes, I had ferrous-crazed blood! In next to no time I had:

  • Told David Cameron to get lost with his same-sex marriage proposals;
  • Fought with a pack of rabid dogs;
  • Kicked the gay masses out of Warwick Street, Soho;
  • Bitten through an iron bar with my teeth;
  • Welcomed the Ordinariate into a new church;
  • Said "make my day, punk!" to Catherine Pepinster;
  • Become the darling of traditional Catholics;
  • Received a friendly telephone call from the Pope, promising me something red for my birthday.

Olympic Vin

I now train daily at the Olympic stadium.



  1. need some of that! To show the 'pro-choicers' what's what!

  2. This is funnier than your audience with Paul Inwood.

  3. Um, thanks, folks. You wins some, you loses some.

  4. Dat seems even better than spinach :) xx Jess

  5. I've heard rumour that the tonic is acutually made by a small brewery in Portsmouth.

  6. Archdeacon Nichols, my good friends Miss Lyell and her sister Maud would like to congratulate you on your excellent stand against things that have stopped you getting a red hat.

    They also tell me to add: please do not buy your red hat from Mr Dax's shop. Get one in Gamarelli's (but make sure it is a proper archdeacon one and not the ordinary deacon's version, as that is purely an oddment of Southwark stock.)

  7. Is that supposed to be Christian behaviour?? Reducing marriage to 'a faculty'? Ignoring the fact that sexuality is about companionship, friendship, solidarity, spiritual and emotional intamacy, agape love and sharing one's life with another soul... Yet, Archbishop Nichols, you have shown yourself to hold an incredibly ignorant and reductionist disposition on sexuality, reducing it to a 'faculty'! Same sex relationships may be just as holy and pure as an opposite sex relationship, and are equally worthy of marriage. Until the Church stops defining marriage by gender, and starts defining it by love, it will continue to push people away - this is not what Christ wants, and VN's recent behaviour is frankly un Christian and appalling. May Christ show him and the rest who are gender and sex obsessed, (ignoring the wider framework of sexuality,) the truth.

    1. You're the one who's confused here --- sexuality and marriage are two different things : the clue is in the fact that they are described using two different words.

    2. He is reducing SEXUALITY to a faculty, & marriage to opposite biological functions below the waist. Vincent Nichols, along with many other men in positions of authority within the Churh hierarchy do not know any better. They are a victim of their own fallen, patriarchal nature, reducing everything to sex, or 'a sexual faculty'. Marriage arises because of our sexuality, and sexuality is far, far more than a mere 'faculty' - I think perhaps you are confused. Sexuality encompasses the entire person, and marriage (which arises from sexuality) is based upon the love that flows as a result of our sexual nature. It is about love, not gender. Now, unfortunately too many androcentric lines of thought have been expressed, and too often reduce sexuality to genitality - one small part of sexuality. The wider framework of sexuality includes the ability of human persons to reach out in relation to another, to have companionship, friendship, solidarity, faithful love in all it's forms, i.e. philia, eros & affection, with agape at the centre, and therfore the full giving of one's self to another. THIS is what ENABLES two human beings to join to a significant other and make the sacrament of marriage... Many marriages can not and do not procreate, but it is not procreative ability that defines marriage - the unitive is the primary end, as there is no procreation without this, and it is LOVE NOT GENDER which defines a true marriage.

      In Christ,

      Another child of God pushed away from the Church and into the arms of Christ - fighting for the truth.

    3. Dominic MacCarthy11 January 2013 at 14:16

      Hey, man, what a rant!

      He who does not have the Church for his mother, cannot have God for his father. (St Augustine)

  8. I has done some muddleratoin, removin dupplicate comments. Let me know if I dun wrong.