This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Bad Hymns 17

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have received a nomination for the hymn which starts "How lovely on the mountains are the feet of Him," and today we welcome its author, Le­o­nard E. Smith, who will explain it to us.

lovely foot

A lovely foot.

Eccles: Leonard, thank you for coming along to talk to us. Now what's all this about lovely feet?

Leonard: It's from Isaiah 52, Eccles. I opened my Bible at random, found those words and noticed that nobody had thought of using them before. So I grabbed them for my hymn.

E: Brilliant idea, Leonard. Let me try doing that (opens Bible). Ah yes, Isaiah 27. And luckily nobody has used these words either!

In that day the Lord with his great and strong sword
Shall punish Leviathan, Leviathan!
The piercing serpent, yes, the crooked serpent -
In the sea! In the sea!


CHORUS: In the sea! In the sea! In the se-e-e-ea! In the sea!

E (doubtfully): But what does it mean?

L: Who cares? It looks like you've got a certain hit there, Eccles.

E: Still, let's discuss your hymn. What's this chorus of yours? It sounds like "I got drains," sung in an American accent. Ah got drains!


CHORUS: I got drains! I got drains! I got dra-a-a-ains! I got drains!

L: If you look at the actual words, Eccles, it's "Our God reigns," and...

E: Our God? Is there more than one, then? No, do go on.

L: We sing those three simple words a total of 24 times in the hymn. Can I claim the record?

E: Possibly, Leonard, I don't remember offhand. But would it be fair to say that, all things considered, reading between the lines, and so on, that you are trying to convey the secret message Our God reigns?

L: Drat, you guessed it. It was suppose to be a subliminal idea concealed in the hymn.

E: Oh, by now I'm quite good at picking these up.

L: Well, shall I write you another hymn before I go? (Opens Bible). Aha! Isaiah 37.

Because thy rage against me, and thy tumult,
Came to mine ears, mine ears,
Therefore will I put my hook into thy nose -
In thy nose, In thy nose!

CHORUS: In thy nose! In thy nose! In thy no-o-o-ose! In thy nose!

E: Magnificent! Le­o­nard E. Smith, thank you very much.

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.


  1. I must add--sing of the Lord's goodness. I heard it at a parish that does every song, no matter what the meter, in 1 beat per measure. So this gem, which brings West Side Story to mind, is in 5/4. And then done at warp speed! Well.
    Before I was Catholic, we used to have a song called, "Make mention that His name is Exalted," --a little country ditty for a little country church--but we like to sing it, "make mention that the eggs are unsalted..."
    I could go on.

  2. 'goodnews feet' is one of those hymns that has made me flee from the church! It is alienating when others in the congregation sing it with such glee....makes me want to kill myself.

  3. what about 'If I was a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I'd thank you Lord for my fuzzy wuzzy hair'?

  4. If I were at hymns no good
    I'd thank you lord for Paul Inwood

  5. I think the Leviathan hymn has got great potential for active participation in the liturgy. The congregation could shout out to the priest and deacon,"It's behind you!" and the deacon could flush out the sacristan dressed as a crocodile from his hiding place behind the altar, whereupon the thurifer could take a swing at him. Powerful stufff.

    Prolly not best used as a post-communion hymn.

    1. Good idea, bruvver rabit. Or dey can have fun wiv a fishin-rod, wiv de priest tryin to make the hook catch de deacon's nose.

  6. Then I heard something like the voice of a great multitude and like the sound of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, saying, "Hallelujah! For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns.

    If it's good enough for the Bible, it's good enough for me.

    1. Dat's fine, bruvver David, fink how much nicer it would have been if dey was singin it in de form proposed by Le­o­nard E. Smith.

    2. If we're going to get picky over precise wording, perhaps the orginal greek:

      εβασιλευσεν κυριος ο θεος ο παντοκρατωρo

      It scans so well, don't you think?

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  8. Wow! Very creative thinking! I can't remember our interview:). Lenny