This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Chalk and cheese to be equal

Delicious chalk

Chalk - an excellent source of protein.

Chalk-eaters were celebrating this evening as the House of Commons voted for an Equal Nutrition bill, which would give chalk the same status as cheese.

Supporters of the Let's eat chalk campaign, which include such well-respected religious figures as Tina Beattie and Giles Fraser, explained that the Bible's bigoted attitude was inappropriate for the 21st century.

Said one campaigner: "We refuse to accept chalkophobic passages, such as the following from Isaiah 27:9: When he maketh all the stones of the altar as chalkstones that are beaten in sunder, the groves and images shall not stand up. Why is it not the cheesestones that are beaten in sunder, eh?"


"Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?" (Job 10:10)

Another well-known Biblical figure who refused to eat chalk was celebrity moaner Job, who regularly expressed totally unacceptable chalkophobic sentiments, as above.

As Giles Fraser points out, Jesus never explicitly condemned the eating of chalk, and therefore it must be morally correct to serve it to children.

On the other side of the debate, some bigoted people have been fighting to maintain the traditional views of nutrition. "Family life hinges on the fact that children are fed proper food, such as cheese, and not a distorted calcareous diet," said one MP (to cries of "bigot"). "Moreover, if you are going to allow chalk to be fed to children, then why not chlorate?" he continued.


Chlorate. Almost the same as chalk and cheese.

Apart from (possibly) Peter Tatchell, few people have asked for chlorate to be given equal status with cheese as a source of protein, but opponents of the Equal Nutrition Bill say that it can only be a matter of time before it will be compulsorily served at school dinners.

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced a "quadruple lock" to protect faith schools from being forced to serve chalk for lunch; however, it has been pointed out that a quadruple lock is very easy to undo if you have one simple piece of equipment.

Four keys

Four keys.


  1. darling eccles - I fink it is wrong that sheep and goats should be discriminated against. Can I be a Conservative MP now? xx Jess

  2. The whole thing is a whitewash. Even as we speak, MPs are slaking their thirst with lime in the Strangers' Bar, before going to Clapham to do even stranger things to badgers. I blame that Mrs Thatcher.

    1. Stay away from the legitimately recognised chalkist and cheesist communions, you whitewashist witch !!!

  3. I blame 'hello' magazine. The cult of celebrity has everything to do with it.

  4. ...Blessed are the cheesemakers?????....anyway funny stuff again...i was so entertained and received so much spiritual nourishment that i couldnt help passing your blog on to one of my old friends who i thought could use some spiritual nourishment...anyway he was too busy to post due to his hectic lifestyle but he told me to pass the message so here it is he is from buffalo new york by the way....Word Up! homie eccles...dis is krunk Dog from the B' brother john told me about your blog so's i read it....homie i dig how you be gettin all up in the grill of those self-righteous peeps..i mean some of those dudes are stone wiggity-wack...i really be bumpin wit yo game...ise also dig how you flippin the scrip on dos wanksters whats call themselves preen and be doin a good service for the peeps who read your flow...i justs wanted to say i want to be saved too..if it warn't for dat bling and da scrilla i surely could be...i justs wants to axe if maybe you can pray for me so's i might have a chance to be sav'd like youse and your brutha bosco..Word Up!! is genuine you aint no bojanglin wack tweaker...youse the real dilly..anyhow peace out...Testify!!!

  5. There is no end to Lapins puppets. He must have nothing to do. Sad. Take up chess.if you have the IQ

  6. Bosco talking about IQ? You couldn't make it up.