This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday 10 March 2013

Who is papabile?

Since today sees my last chance to post before the election of a new Pope, here is an assortment of cardinals who may be considered "papabile."

two cardinals Two traffic cones

Two cardinals (L) and two traffic cones (R).

The first hurdle the electors will have to overcome is to avoid electing a traffic cone by mistake, even though they strongly resemble cardinals (see above). As anyone who has ever wandered round a school, university or shopping mall will testify, traffic cones are to be seen in the most unlikely places; so there will probably be several lying around the Sistine Chapel. However, no traffic cone has ever been elected Pope - the story of Pope Cone is simply a medieval legend.


Turkson and Huhne

Cardinal Turkson assures Chris Huhne that Jesus will bear his speeding points as well as his sins.


An alternative to Cardinal Turkson is Cardinal Dolan, the laughing cardinal (H/T Mundabor).

Laughing Cardinal

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I know a fat old card'nal, he's always on our street.
A fat and jolly red-faced man, he really is a treat
He's too kind for a cardinal, he's never known to frown,
And everybody says he is the happiest man in town.

CHORUS: A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Laughing cardinal

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

He laughs upon confessions, he laughs when saying prayers,
He laughs at every passer-by who simply stops and stares.
He never can stop laughing, he says he never tried
But once he exorcised a man, and laughed until he cried.

CHORUS.

So if you chance to meet him, processing down the aisle,
Just kiss him on his fat old hand and give him a big smile:
His eyes will beam and sparkle, he'll gurgle with delight,
And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might.

CHORUS.
Laughing cardinal

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!


Cardinal Zuhlsdorf

Say the black, do the red - Cardinal Zuhlsdorf's coat of arms.

The great Fr Z. is already in Rome, just in case the call comes; however, so far he hasn't found a Latin-speaking taxi-driver to take him to the Vatican. Fr Z. has already updated his coat of arms in anticipation of being made a cardinal, but will he make it to Pope as well? Frankly, this may be something of an outside shot, but an armed Pope-blogger who knows where to get good coffee may be just what the Catholic church needs at this time.


Keith O'Brien

Even more of an outside shot is Keith O'Brien.


We should not forget Cardinal Ouellet, who has been adopted by Eccles. Unfortunately, he has returned most of Eccles's generous gifts - spare socks, tins of baked beans, and CDs of the Goon Show - but, since it rains a lot in Rome, he has kept the umbrella and the Ouellet boots (geddit?)

Ouellet and umbrella

It raineth upon the just and the unjust. (Matthew 5:45)

Admittedly, he has slipped from 8-1 to 10-1 odds since Eccles took up his cause.


There are several other cardinals in the running, mostly with Italian names, such as Scola, Bertone, Odone, Ravioli, etc., but the one with the strongest chances is surely Cardinal Furretti (H/T Sister Fortis of Blogfen).

Cardinal Furretti

Cardinal Furretti, putting the "cat" in "Catholic."

Like traffic cones, cats get everywhere, and this one should have no trouble entering the Sistine Chapel through the cat-flap (preferably not carrying a dead mouse). If elected, will take the title of Pope Felix V.


In fact there has been a certain amount in the news about people attempting to gatecrash the conclave by dressing up as cardinals. Some of the following are probably not genuine cardinals - in any case, they should not be elected Pope.

Cardinal Black

Conrad Black.

Cardinal Palin

Michael Palin.

Young cardinals

Some of the cardinals are considered to be too young to be papabile this time.

Finally, if the Catholic Church is looking for a saved Pope, with his own blog, read by at least three people every week, then a certain newly-arrived Cardinal may still be in with good chances.

Vote for Cardinal Eccles!

29 comments:

  1. Eccles for pop - a sav'd pusson. Not endorsed by Bosco. xx Jess

    ReplyDelete
  2. So, the hundred Euros I put on a traffic cone, on the Paddy Power online gambling site (sorry, I mean online "gaming") back on Ash Wednesday, was a total waste of money.

    I wish you would keep your blogue up-to-date, Eccles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dem's creul words, bruvver Rabit.

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    2. Is that cat in a biretta a propper deacon?

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    3. I have consulted canon law and I can't see any impediment to Furetti becoming a deacon (assuming Furetti is a tomcat)

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  3. How's your re-writing of Modern Major-General going?
    After eading the above, I am minded to suggest as a beginning:
    I am the very model of a modern Roman Cardinal -
    I've information ..... and heretical
    .....


    Thanks for adding the laetare and refreshment to Lent IV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope, I haven't got de song right yet. Some day, I hope.

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  4. From the 'smiling Pope' to the 'laugh come wedding, prosperity, war, famine, plagues and funerals Pope'.

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  5. The only problem with Cardinal Furetti is that he is rumoured to cohabit with an attractive blonde. Also I believe he has several other skeletons in the closet, under the sideboard and behind the fridge. Admittedly these are mainly pigeons.

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  6. Darling eccles, fanks for tweetering about my blogg xx Jess

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  7. Wel, Conrad Balck sims to be werring the rite color for a cardnal sedevucante so he mite be youre man for the job.

    With yur commande of thee inglish langwidge Ecles purhaps you shud get the numbere won job?

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  8. Since today sees my last chance to post before the election of a new Pope

    Eccles is WRONG.

    1) Tomorrow morning the College of Cardinals will say Mass for the Election of our next Pope -- A **seriously** minded contemporaneous association by Eccles' (savd) blog with this Holy Mass would not break Eccles' Lenten Fasting.

    2) Even so, if the Conclave lasted more than 4 days, there's always next Sunday :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, hurry and elect a new god on earth. Sat, isnt Ratzinger god on earth? Does he stop being god just because he resigned? That means there will be 2 god on earths. I guess they can draw straws to see who gets to be the Father and who gets to be the Son.

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    2. Dis earthquake sure is truoblin you, Bosco my dere bruvver. Do you fink God is tellin you dat you aint as saved as you thuoght you was?

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    3. Those are cruel words, brother Eccles and you must stop being norty and rood to your older brother. He obviously has mental prombles and it is high time that you stopped embarrassing him in public and left that to the rest of us.

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  9. *Ahem* Jadis... Kind of you to suggest I'm an attractive blonde... but Cardinal Furretti is a "she" (well, technically she's neuter(ed)!!)

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    Replies
    1. She's a front runner for the liberalista ticket then, Sister Fortis.

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    2. Sister Fortis - I expected more of you. I am shocked to see you as an advocate of female ordinashun.

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  10. Replies
    1. Fra. Bosco

      Have you red the works(good) of Saved Jack the Chick? I think you would like her writin!

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  11. Dem's creul words, bruvver Bosco.

    Meanwhile, pungent black smoke has just emerged from the Sistine chimney. Rumour has it that several cardinals read Eccles' blog and they are burning traffic cones instead of ballot papers.

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  12. Sorry you didn't nail the job, Your Eminence. Better luck next time (as they said to some South American guy a few years ago).

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    Replies
    1. Well perhaps my tallents lies elsewhere, Wal. I will blogg on de subject on Sunday.

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    2. We is lookin' forward to it darling eccles. xx Jess

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    3. yeah, were lookin forward to more of your simple minded madness.

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  13. Ah, that's sweet. I always knew Bosco was fond of his little brother really.

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  14. 5th Sunday in Lent feast coming up, I hopes xx Jess

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    Replies
    1. Yes, indeed, Jess. Has anyfink interestin happened dis week dat I might blogg abuot?

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