This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 3 March 2013

Magic Circle guilty of "inappropriate acts"

The Catholic church in England and Wales was reeling tonight after claims that a group of "Magic Circle" bishops had been engaged in "inappropriate acts."


Of course, the Scots have been reeling for some time.

An eye-witness, who has chosen to remain anonymous, told us what happened.

Witness: It was late at night, and the organic fairtrade herbal tea had been flowing quite freely, when some of the less restrained bishops started singing inappropriate songs.

Eccles: I see, and what sort of songs were these?

Witness: Well, it started with simple vulgarity like "Shine, Jesus, Shine," but then it became really offensive, and they began to sing Paul Inwood stuff: "Alleluia, Ch-Ch" and similar disgusting things. I didn't know where to turn.

Paul Inwood

A young Paul Inwood entertains a congregation in Portsmouth.

Eccles: I can see that you must have been really horrified. What happened next?

Witness: Well, I don't like to mention it in polite circles, but some of the bishops then produced magazines, and began reading out disgusting passages from them.

Eccles: Can you name one of these magazines for us? Take your time, if you are upset.

Witness: Well, the main one was the Tablet. There was some horrid woman called Pepinster writing in it: vile, shameful stuff that I didn't think any decent person would dare to put down on paper.

Rude magazines

Top shelf only!

Eccles: And what did the bishops think of this?

Witness: Well, some of the bishops left hastily, as I did, but other were rubbing their hands and crying "There's one in the eye for the Pope!" Ugh, it makes me cringe just to think of that evening.

Eccles: Thank you very much, Mr Witness.


  1. Interesting, I wonder if your anti peppinster rants have more to do with the fact shes's a woman than any of her supposed horridness. At least she's not guilty of inappropriate acts, to coin a phrase, unlike some very strident voices against homosexual union.

    1. Nope, I rants against horrid men as well.

    2. Simon, when not cruising the Tablet Letters Page has form for ranting against the "rather annoying middleclass white busy-bodies (unfortunately many of them female, as a feminist Catholic friend pointed out to me recently) who dominate the parish scene."

      What was that I read infra about "protesting too much"?

    3. Cardinal O'Brien never attempted to marry a man. He never expressed the slightest desire to do so. None of his views on public policy was remotely incompatible with any aspect of his past or present manner of life. Even if any had been, then that would not have invalidated his arguments. On the contrary, those arguments remain entirely valid.

      The Lavender Mafia, the members of which are called Old Maid Men, has staged this hit. But what does it imagine will be its victim's successor's position on the definition of marriage? It is Cardinal O'Brien's erstwhile liberal allies who have rubbed him out. The odious Damian Thompson, that self-appointed and viciously enforcing arbiter of Catholic orthodoxy who is fully accepted as such by this country's media, declares his Fairy Godmotherly status by his spitefully triumphalistic, and triumphalistically spiteful, post for Telegraph Blogs.

      Thompson, of course, is ecstatic at the downfall of a cogent critic of global capitalism at both macro and micro levels, of its wars, and of the nuclear weapons waiting to be deployed in those wars. Clearly, thus speaks the entire liberal wing of the Church. No surprise there. That economic system is not called neoliberalism for nothing. The 1980s were Mother Mabel's Golden Age is every possible way.

      Oh, and did I miss something, or did the secular media used to say that it was outrageous to suggest any connection whatever between homosexuality and the pederasty scandals? But then, they used to deny that sex between adults and adolescents, of which there is absolutely no suggestion in this case, was endemic, and socially acceptable, in the 1970s.

  2. Will there be KP nuts satire tomorrow on eccles. My suspicions arose a while back when he started making those strident remarks about homosexual unions. The lady protests and all that.

  3. Simon clearly aint't a saved pusson - but what's his excuse for not having a sense of humour? Xx Jess

    1. Does the gentleman on the far left of the second photo in Eccles latest luvly blogg post look like he's endowed with a sense of humour ?

      That's our Simon !!!

  4. Some interesting comments. As far as i'm aware I write letters to the tablet, others do the cruising.

    I also write to the Herald, but they don't seem to like my letters, I suppose i'm not a save pusson and lack the style, wit and elegance of a Graham Moorhouse or Daphne McCleod

    Well, I suppose I might protest, whether it's too much or not is anybody's guess

    1. My apologies, Simon. I have come to realise that we cannot choose where to love. I hope that my use of the word "cruise" did not mislead the casual reader to think that you were a proponent of th love that likes to shout its name. On the contrary, I can empathise with your gallant attempt to defend the lovely Ms Pepinster, as I once painted my bedroom purple in homage to Donny Osmond. I am sure you are not the only chap to have a crush on that dear lady, after her appearance on Channel 4 news, where her eyes widened like those of a startled faun staring into the barrels of Paschal's shotgun.

  5. I Better look at that c4 clip again, as I didn't notice her eyes doing anything much,or her mouth for that matter as she remained rather subduesd most of the time. Perhaps another myth that's entered into the traddy canon.

    As for the love that shouts it name, in traddy circles one often hears shouts, if not shrieks, against the love that won't shut up and in days gone by howls of approval at K.P Nuts' gentle, considered remarks of disapproval.