This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Clash of the Titans.

Yes, already they're calling it the Debate of the Century. Peter Hitchens and Damian Thompson, acknowledged experts on addiction, discuss the question: Whose book is better?

Peter Hitchens

Peter Hitchens prepares to confront Damian Thompson.

For those who don't have time to listen to the Spectator podcast, we present a transcript of the debate between the two greatest intellectuals of our day.

DT: Well, I should point out straight away that I'm an expert on addiction, as I've written a best-selling book on the subject. I don't normally plug it, but it's called The Fix.

PH: I've written a best-selling book too. It's called The War We Never Fought: The British Establishment's Surrender to Drugs.

DT: Well, my book's better than your book. My friend Cristina says so.

PH: No, my book's better than your book. You see, I claim that addiction doesn't even exist.

DT: What? How dare you say that! I hate you!

Damian Thompson

Damian Thompson, modelling the new Michael Voris wig.

PH: Well, I'm sorry, but any addicts you see are purely a figment of your imagination.

DT: Look here, mate. Your brother Christopher may have been a lunatic left-wing atheist, but he was still much cleverer than you.

PH: Well, your sister Emma may be a lunatic left-wing atheist, but she's still much cleverer than you.

Emma Thompson

Emma Thompson expresses concerns over her brother Damian's latest meltdown.

DT: I'll get you for that. Wait until I write my Saturday column.

PH: Look, calm down, Damian. And please stop throwing cupcakes at me.

DT: I'll ruin you, as I did Johann Hari, David Cameron, and Keith O'Brien. Nobody will take you seriously again.

(Storms out, slams the door, and knocks over two secretaries, a security guard and a passing Monsignor. Returns to Telegraph Towers to launch a barrage of Twitter abuse and hostile blog posts. Phones Telegraph hit man and orders him to pour custard through Peter Hitchens's letter box.)

Custard van

Preparing to fill Peter Hitchens's house full of custard.

PH: Sigh... it looks as though I'm not going to get that job on Telegraph blogs, after all.


  1. Damian's naturally un-self-promoting nature (remind me, what was the title of that book of his, again? I'm afraid I didn't quite catch it) is what really carries the day in this little contretemps. That, and his thoroughly classy reference to his interlocutor's recently deceased sibling as a weapon of debate. Now there's a debater of real substance.

  2. Following the recent spectacular collapse of Damian Thompson's blog readership, he can at least take comfort from the fact that this comedy debate has gained him thousands of new listeners. He should be given his own series on Radio 4: "The Fix", a hilarious comedy about a hysterical man with a squeaky voice, trying to fix the moral ills of society, while his own professional and social life collapses in chaos. Supporting cast: the National Theatre of Brent.

  3. Perhaps Mr T should have told him he was a 'crazy fool' - or do I have the wrong Mr T in mind? Xx Jess

  4. Has Damien written a book? He kept that under his hat!

    1. a modest man with much to be modest about, perhaps? xx Jess