This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 17 March 2013

We interview Cardinal Baloney


Our honoured guest - a man of vision.

Eccles: So, your Eminence, you managed to get to the conclave after all, eh? Would that make you the only Cardinal present who has been officially forbidden from exercising episcopal functions?

Baloney: Yes, I contacted the Guinness Book of Records hoping for the most unsuitable papal elector award, but apparently there was a medieval Cardinal Mandelson of Basingstoke who was even nastier. At least nobody has yet accused me of cannibalism!

E: What do you think history will remember you for? Apart from the brilliant way you covered up the scandals in your diocese?

B: Probably my contribution to our heritage of beautiful cathedrals, Eccles.

ugly warehouse

Si monumentum requiris, circumspice.

E: Quite so. A totally unattractive waste of money. And the cathedral isn't much better. Now tell us about your reactions to the election of Pope Francis.

B: For me, the most encouraging sign was his humility. He has rejected the papal red shoes, you know.

E: Wasn't that because they couldn't find any to fit him at short notice? Apparently, Pope Francis has the largest feet of any pope since St Telesphorus in the 2nd century A.D.

Pope's red shoes

Owing to a confusion between centimetres and metres, the Pope was supplied with red shoes of the wrong size.

B: No, no, Eccles. Rejecting red shoes is a sign of humility, I pray that he keeps the black ones as a sign for us all.

E: Go on, then.

B: O Lord, bless Thy servant Francis (whom Thou wilt have seen on television this week unless Thou wast watching Cormac Relief instead), and grant that his shoes may never turn red. Amen.

E: Apparently he rejected the traditional Mozzarella as well. Now, do you see any other changes, your Eminence?

B: Well, I personally hope that Pope Francis will take a tough line on sexually-offending priests. I mean, we can't just move them to other parishes, as some now-disgraced bishops did in the 1980s. Well we can, but we can't get away with it so easily.

E: Quite so. Anything else?

B: Some wicked people have been criticising me, you know. It really must stop. I am a man incapable of sin: when I go to Confession and the priest asks me what I've done, I say "Nothing!" Think of me as being on the side of the angels.

Roller-skating angels

Roller-skating angels come to Mass to show support for Cardinal Baloney.

E: Cardinal Baloney, thank you very much.


  1. This is just delicious - & sooooooo apposite ! Keep the red shoes Frankie !!!:)

  2. Thanks for putting me right, darling eccles, I thought he was called 'Cardinal Bail-Only' coz he was out on bail only xx Jess

  3. Through my san andreas fault (x3)

  4. Old Spinal Tap jokes are one thing, but metricating them is quite another.

    1. All my jokes is old jokes, bruvver David.

  5. I am a bit worried about the Pope's rejection of the mozzarella. Does this mean all soft cheeses are now considered petit-bourgeois? Is he lactose intolerant, or does he just want to increase the numbers of poverty stricken pizza vendors, so he can practise his humility more easily?

    As to the red shoes, perhaps the new Pope worries that if he accidentally clicks his heels together when stumbling over his wooden altar, that he will be returned post-haste to Kansas.

    1. Is that a rejection of all makers of dairy products? Could Gammarelli's diversify into beef pies and ready made lasagne?

    2. I fink dat it's still OK for cradinals to wear de zucchini on dere heads.

  6. Dear Eclles

    How did you manage to secure an interview with the Cradinal? What with him being all busy with his episcopal duties an all - I'm surprised he was able to squeeze you into his busy calinadar

  7. Maloney is my cardinal, from los angeles. Dont make fun of my priest. he did what any good cathlic priest would do. Help criminal priests escape justice. it is the catholic way you know.

    1. Behave yousself Bosco, or I gonna have to muddlerate you for tellin falsehoods.

    2. Aahhhh, stuff a sock in it eccles

  8. There was a rotten cardinal
    Baloney was his name.
    He aided & abetted
    The priests he never vetted
    And he entered the Hall of Shame