This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 13 September 2015

Eccles registers with the Ministry of Truth

Under Home Office plans, Imams, priests, rabbis and other religious figures will have to enrol in a "national register of faith leaders" and undergo vetting.

Well, naturally Brother Eccles could not expect to stay under the radar for long, and I received the following letter from the Ministry of Truth.

Yes, minister

The Ministry of Truth investigates a religious blogger.

Dear Brother Eccles,

We understand that you are the author of a spiritually nourishing blog that is read worldwide by as many as six people. This means that you must register as a "faith leader" and subject yourself to regular training and inspection. Our inspector, Brother O'Brien, will be knocking on your door at 4 a.m. to take you to a cell, where we shall address the many problems with your blog that have come to our notice. These include:

1. Derogatory remarks about David Cameron, his fondness for visiting fish markets, his unwillingness to address the problems of Islamic extremism, and his rush to implement same-sex marriage legislation.

Cameron and his fish

Big Brother shows his appreciation of fish.

2. Too many unfunny jokes, or at least jokes that our civil servants in the Ministry of Truth need to have explained to them.

3. Critical comments about registered "national treasures" such as Elton John, Gerry Adams, Richard Dawkins, Stephen Fry and Dr Giles Fraser of the BBC.

Dawkins dressed as a penguin

A penguin national treasure trying to think of something silly to say.

4. A general religious attitude in your blog, as seen in the fact that you use prohibited words such as "sin", "evil", "adultery", "murder" (in the context of abortion), and "God".

5. A tendency to mock senior international figures such as Barack Obama, François Hollande, Jihad John, Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong Un; if one of these were to read your blog it might cause a major diplomatic incident.

I warn you now that if you do not change the tone of your blog, then you will probably have to be burnt at the stake.

Little Uncle pp. Big Brother.

Luckily all is not lost, and support has come from an unexpected direction.

Voris with Eccles cake

Michael Voris eats some Eccles cakes in solidarity with your blogger.


  1. Dear Rev Eccles.

    All is not lost.

    Jeremy Corbyn is now in power and, no doubt, will come to your aid.

  2. Should you not be subject to the sex education which Mr Corbyn wants to be compulsory for all schools?

  3. I believe that when the Nazis successfully subjugated other countries, as well as within Germany, it was their policy to require all religious leaders to register themselves in some way (so that they could be rounded up and told what to preach, and more importantly, what not).

    Yes, I know, Godwin's Law and all that. Uncomfortable historical parallels involving totalitarianism often do involve that. And invoking it is a useful way of shutting down discussion.

    1. Bismarck's legal requirement that Catholic priests should have a good standard of education undoubtedly backfired in providing him with learned opponents. This happened 50 years before the Naz

  4. Theresa May has come a long way from her advanced Anglo-Catholic roots, although there was a nod to them in one of her recent Desert Island Discs. What will the clergy who refuse to be party to her ridiculous register call themselves? Recusants? Covenanters? Dissenters? Nonjurors? Seceders?

    In any event, from the first point at which anyone bothered to check, in the middle of the 1850s, it was already the case that only half of the churchgoers in England were attending the Church of England, with Nonconformity massively predominant in great swaths of the country. Then came the Catholic Revival. The reality is that attempts by the State to control English religion have never been particularly successful. This one will be no exception.

    There are many reasons why I shall never be the Editor of a national daily newspaper. But if I were, then I should revive those God slots which used to appear in local papers, and which occasionally still do. Over a week, readers would be treated to the thoughts of a range of clerics who had refused to participate in this outrage.

  5. Actually, I am thrilled to see him smiling at someone, even if it is the cameraman----better than nothing! He's been more than a bit cross as of late.....