The Wind in the Vatican

With apologies to Kenneth Grahame

"Do you know," said the Brand-Moler, blissfully drinking a huge tankard of German beer as he sat in the garden of the Pope Emeritus. "I've hardly ever been to these apartments before."

"Really?" said the Ratzinger solemnly. "To my mind there is nothing at all so worthwhile as messing about in the Vatican."

"What a day I'm having, Ratty," continued the Brand-Moler with a sigh of full contentment. What's in the picnic basket?"

"Following papal advice, there's Legumes," replied the Ratzinger briefly. "BroadBeansLentilsPeasPeanuts BakedBeansChickpeas MassimoFaggioli PulsesRunnerBeans..."

"Oh stop, stop!" cried the Brand-Moler in ecstasies. "This is too much! What a feast, Ratty!"

A feast.

Presently Cardinal Raymond Badger entered. He had been visiting an area full of mysterious warrens, from which strange little faces would peep out at intervals to say things like "Hail Pachamama!" "Let's build a bridge towards the weasel community" and "Won't anyone buy my new book Pope Francis on the Orient Express?"

"You know Toad's got a new Magisterium?" said the Ratzinger to the Badger once the Brand-Moler had been introduced. "A completely new one. He crashed the one his ancestors handed down to him."

"I know," said the Badger gloomily. "One of these days he'll get locked up, for sure. I've heard that the Jesuweasels are just waiting to over-run the Vatican as soon as his back's turned. Then they'll bring in rainbow flags and Ignatian yoga."

Three cardinals in conclave.

"Why don't you stop him?" asked the Brand-Moler.

"You don't understand," explained the Ratzinger. "Nobody stops Toad. It always has to be something new. One day it's a change to the Gloria, the next it's a new version of the Lord's prayer."

From somewhere close by came a distant whirring sound, which gradually rose to a crescendo. Then there was a mighty crash, and the Toad came flying head-first over the hedge, to land in a nearby ditch. As the animals hurried over looking very concerned, the Toad extracted his head from the mud: lying in the ditch with a contented smile on his face, he sighed and muttered to himself: "O bliss! Oh my! ... Amoris Laetitia ... Laudato Si' ... Fratelli Tutti ... Pope-pope! >>> CRASH!!! <<<"

Getting an answer to the Dubia.

Even Pope Francis can't answer this!

Here is today's brain teaser:

How can one explain to children that - for example - their mother, abandoned by their father and often not willing to establish another marriage bond, receives the Sunday Eucharist with them, while their father, cohabiting or awaiting the declaration of the nullity of the marriage, cannot participate in the Eucharistic table?

Golly, that's a head-scratcher, isn't it? Why, even Pope Francis can't answer that.

Puzzled!

I put this knotty question to my catechism class ("Let Eccles help you stay saved") and one of my star pupils, Ray Burke (age 6) responded:

"Please, sir! I know. The mother hasn't done anythng wrong, and being a Catholic (we assume) she believes that marriage is for life; on the other hand the father is living in a sin with no intention of repenting. So he will be unsaved if he takes communion."

Of course the right answer couldn't be that simple, as I told the cheeky boy:

"Raymond! Haven't you read Amoris Laetitia? This supersedes anything you may have seen in the Bible! Look here, on this page - no, not that one, it's all about sharing in the household chores, such as power-hosing the television, throwing the cat out of the window, or bathing the hamster.

Anyway, I can't find it at the moment - it may be in a foot-foot-foot-note printed in 2pt type - but I'm fairly sure it says we mustn't judge people, there is no such thing as good and evil, let us accompany the sinner on his journey of reconciliation. No that doesn't mean we have to sin as well, Walter! Now, try and be merciful!"

Ray and Walter are very keen children. They wrote a letter to Pope Francis with some questions about Amoris Laetitia, but the reply must have got lost in the post.

Unfortunately Ray and Walter's letter wasn't included.

---

In other news, there is hope for Cardinal Zen, as Pope Francis has finally agreed to receive a cardinal from a country with a despotic ruler who encourages massacres of the innocent. No, not China.

"You did it, Blase! You got Joe elected! Well done!"

You are old, Father Francis

For those who can't be bothered to wade through what is described - by Dr Austin Powers - as the most important interview since Scalfarius interviewed Jesus, we present a poetical version of that interview (with the preliminary remarks such as "Pleased to meet you, International Man of Mystery!" omitted).

Austen Ivereigh, international Man of Mystery.

"You are old, Father Francis," the small man said,
    "You never scold people, or grumble;
Now you live in a cupboard and feed on stale bread —
    What made you so awfully humble?"

"In my youth," Father Francis replied to the gnome,
    "Dictating was my wish and hope;
I've lived all my life as the saints did in Rome
    To get myself chosen as Pope."

"You are old," said the gnome, "and the faithful cry out,
    That you're known for your orthodox preaching;
Crystal-clear and profound, ruling out any doubt —
    What made you so expert at teaching?"

"In my youth," said the pope, grinning with nonchalance,
    "The Jesuits took me in hand;
I learned that no question has just one response —
    All answers are equally grand!"

"You are old," said the gnome, "and through synods you sit
    Praising dear Pachamama, our queen;
And yet fascists cry out it's against holy writ —
    How dare they all say it's obscene?"

"In my youth," said Pope Francis, "I trained as a priest,
    And learned that all faiths were the same,
Praising pagan religions, from greatest to least;
    So now why should I get the blame?"

"You are old," said the gnome, "and were hardly renowned
    For knowing the facts about China;
Yet you've made all their Catholics flee underground —
    Could any solution be finer?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
    Said the pontiff; "don't give me such crap!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
    Be off, or I'll give you a slap!"

(With humble apologies to Lewis Carroll.)