Freedom convoy approaches Rome

The "Freedom convoy" of trucks, travelling towards Rome to demonstrate against the restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass imposed by the edict Traditionis Custodes and its sequel, the Made-up Dubia of Arthur Roche, is making good progress. Within a day or two it will be driving round St Peter's Square, honking its horns in a Gregorian Chant.

The convoy approaches the Alps.

Said one long-distance driver, Joe Shaw of Oxford, "When you're on the road for long periods of time, you need to be able to stop occasionally for a TLM. And now this is becoming very difficult for us truckers."

Prime Minister Francis has dismissed the demonstration, saying "The small fringe minority of people who are on their way to Rome hold unacceptable views. These do not represent the views of the Catholic Church, which has been around since Vatican II. Following the New Scientific Mass is the best way to Build Back Better."

A priest invites those stressed by the convoy to breath in and breath out at Mass.

Others have been more forthright in their condemnation of the demonstration. Ivereigh Towers, the faithful attack poodle of Francis, is in no doubt that the Traditional Latin Mass is a sin and needs to be condemned as such. With his usual sensitivity, he has described those who prefer the order and consistency of the TLM to the "make it up as we go along, let's do some heavy breathing now" seen in some Novus Ordo services, as "oddballs". These apparently include the introverted and Asperger's sufferers ("oddballs" is a sensitive term much used by psychiatrists). Somehow he forgot to use the word "fascists" but that will be in his next piece.

"Convoy sighted. Missals Missiles ready, lads!"

Late news: Uncle Arthur Roche, the Yorkshire terrier turned CDW supremo, is driving a bus of TC supporters to meet the convoy. Since he insists on facing his passengers at all times, he is finding it hard to steer the bus in a straight line. So no change there.

Traditionalist Gaslighting

A special guest posting from Mike Lewis and Stephen Ferry, which originally appeared on the ultramontanist website Where Pacha is.

In his wonderful motu proprio Trads Cussed, Francis, the greatest pope who ever lived, points out that all those who celebrate the traditional mass are extremists, fascists, and altogether not good Catholics like he is, along with his friends, Blase Cupich, James Martin SJ and Joe Biden. HE IS RIGHT.

Mike Lewis (nobody has heard of Stephen Ferry: he may be a sockpuppet).

Lots of extremists have contested the Very Holy Father's claims. We mention Raymond Burke, who, to the great disappointment of Pope Francis, seems to be recovering from the deadly virus Vatic-2. Burke wrote a piece in which he said "Well, actually, TLM worshippers are not schismatics at all." Regular readers of Where Pacha is (both of them) will remember that Burke was one of the four Dubia cardinals who nearly caused the greatest schism in the Church's history by asking Pope Francis to clarify something he said!

As papal biographer Austen Ivereigh Tower, author of "Pope Francis - the great redeemer", "Go away Austen, I'm trying to sleep" and the new best-seller based on Archpope Francis's teachings, "Forget the past - they're all dead people", puts it, "For many bishops the call to wake up and think about Catholicism was the last straw!"

"If anyone calle me schismatic again, I'll go and found my own Church!"

There are lots of very evil people out there. Dr Joseph Shaw, chairman of the Latin Mass Society of England and Wales, and contributor to such scurrilous publications as Extremist weekly and Schismatic News, may be an intellectual giant, but is obviously not in the same league as our friend Austen Ivermectin - how many hagiographies of St Pope Francis has Shaw written? This devotee of the Extremist Form Mass has publicly denied the divinity of Pachamama (even though she's a LATIN American goddess). He also endorsed those dreadful Dubia cardinals who insisted on trying to square Supreme Pope Francis's teachings with those of dead people such as Pope Benedict XVI (oh, isn't he?), St Paul and St Peter. We discard him utterly.

Pachapapa Francis has pinpointed the centre of all evil - the Extremist World Television Network EWTN. It was founded by extremist Mother Angelica; her friend Raymond Arroyo plays an influential role with his extremist programme The World Over Live, which devotes all its time to reporting on the tantrums of Pope Francis the Humble. Last week they even invited the blood-crazed ferret, Damian Thompson of the fascist Spectator magazine to say rude things about Francis, the Fourth Person of the Trinity.

Enough said!

I think I've made my point. The opponents of Trads Cussed are possessed, diabolical, schismatic, extremist (have I used that word already?) and possessed by diabolically schismatic extremism! No wonder Pope Francis hates their guts finds it difficult to accommodate them. Does Vatican II mean nothing to them? Did she die in vain?

Pope Francis has said that EWTN is the work of the Devil. Pope Francis is always right. We can also reveal that the Devil is an extremist. Need we say more? Yes, this is just the first in a 94-part series...

How to deal with a filial correction

This is part of our self-help guide, "How to be a good Pope", and it deals with your approach to Correction.

About a year ago you received some "dubia" from senior cardinals, asking you to explain Catholic teaching, with particular reference to your apostolic exhortation "The Joy of Sin". As is traditional when Popes are asked to give leadership to their flock, you ignored the dubia entirely, and left it to your poodles - Spider, Bean, Ivory, and a bunch of ludicrously over-promoted cardinals - to gnaw the ankles of anyone who mentioned them.

Time for some firm government at the Vatican!

Now things are getting more serious, as 62 devout Catholics trouble-makers have written a long letter accusing you of spreading heresy on 7 counts. Your first reaction is one of relief - phew, they left out the other 35 charges - but it is all rather embarrassing.

The dubia issue was settled easily enough, and after a year a couple of the cardinals died mysteriously. Fortunately, you have an alibi. However, getting rid of 62 priests and scholars may not be so easy. Take them on a bus trip over a cliff? Invite them to a party with poisoned cakes? Mmm, we'll have to think about this.

Not guilty!

Only one thing to do: issue a new Motu proprio, AD HOMINEM. This entitles people - if they are mates of the Pope - to hurl insults as they wish. The alternative is for us to argue that the letter is in error when it accuses you of being a naughty pope, but you haven't actually got any arguments, have you?

Right, let's attack Dr Joseph Shaw first. He's a Latin Mass junkie, and so is obviously sneering at you because you can't decline "unus-una-unum" (and many of your most notorious Jesuit friends can't decline "sex"). You discard him.

Our hero, Pope John XXII. From the days when popes were real popes.

Then there's Deacon Donnelly, a.k.a. Protect the Faith (which turns out to be incompatible with protecting the Pope). He was stamped on a few years ago by Bishop Campbell, and asked to stop blogging and go for a completely voluntary period of rest and reflection, or else. He seems to have escaped his chains. You discard him.

Oh, and Fr John Hunwicke. I'll bet he wrote all the clever bits of the letter. We can't understand the Aramaic jokes on his blog, anyway. You discard him.

To be honest, you haven't read the letter, and you don't intend to read it. And now that you've blocked the Correctio Filialis website from being accessed in the Vatican (thanks for the idea to our dear friend Kim Jong-un!) nobody else will read it either!

"I have received this letter signed by 62 scholars. We know where you live..."

O.K. team, you know what to do. Spider, deploy the sockpuppets. Bean, keep banging on about how you are more intellectual than the gang of 62. Ivory, play a floating role of tweeting odd comments and writing absurd articles for Crux. Get your mates at the Tablet and Fishwrap to help. Summon the cardinals from their LGBT meetings and get them to attack!

But you, Francis, must under no circumstances answer the letter, or even read it.

Letters to the Pope

Dear Holy Father,

I have been reading your guide Amoris Laetitia a little at a time, and eventually got to Paragraph 226, where it advises married couples to try a morning kiss, an evening blessing, waiting at the door to welcome each other home, taking trips together, and sharing household chores. So this morning I gave my wife Doris a morning kiss, and this evening I gave her an evening blessing. She asked me why I was suddenly behaving so strangely and accused me of having an affair.

I stormed out and went to the Jesuit's Arms pub for a refreshing pint of Reese and Martin's Old Peculier. However, Doris did welcome me home with a traditional blow from her rolling-pin when I came back later, so I feel that the Spirit of Amoris Laetitia has entered our home.

I have decided to surprise her tomorrow by sharing the household chores.

Ricky Fathead.

"Another satisfied customer!"

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Dear Mr Pope,

We are happy to enclose your new Alitalia Catholic Diamond Membership Card. In addition to priority check-in and an extra baggage allowance, this card allows you to stand at the front of the aeroplane preaching on any subject you like: your words will be recorded and broadcast to the entire Catholic world for discussion, clarification, retraction, re-interpretation, and parody.

The Catholic Diamond Membership Card is a very rare privilege, and you are only the third top Catholic to be blessed by receiving this. The other two are of course Tony Blair and Joe Biden, and I am sure that you are delighted to have joined the company of such people.

Luigi Bertorelli (Alitalia Club Membership).

Pope Francis has finally arrived!

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Dear Sir or Madam,

My husband Ricky Fathead has broken our washing-machine by attempting to wash the cats in it. His excuse was that Amoris Laetitia told him to do it. I am holding you personally responsible.

Doris Fathead (Mrs)

P.S. The cats are fine.

A victim of Amoris Laetitia.

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Dear Holy Father,

We are puzzled by the following statement by your henchman Bishop Farrell, who is about to become head of the Vatican's new office for laity, family and life.

Although between us we have 50 D.Phil.s and a variety of other qualifications, we wish to admit defeat and put on record our opinion that Amoris Laetitia is too confusing for us. We know you did not write it all - and indeed have not read it all - but its wording is often ambiguous, and likely to lead some impressionable Jesuits into heresy.

Dr Joseph Shaw and lots of very puzzled co-signatories.

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Dear Mr Bergoglio,

My wife has now left me, taking the cats with her. I blame Amoris Laetitia. So I have decide to leave the Catholic Church and become a Tablet-reader instead. Ha!

Ricky Fathead.

Eccles finds a safe space

I don't normally agree with Professor Anthony Grayling about very much - nothing personal, but I'm saved and he isn't - and I couldn't really go along with his article on whimpering students. After all, students (except, perhaps, those boring scientists in their white coats) go to university for three years to get away from education, new ideas, opinions and teachers. It does not seem fair to expose them to micro-aggression, which is the term we use nowadays when someone unconsciously says something that we can turn into a cause of offence.

For example, "I trod in a puddle this morning" is an "ablist" remark that can be interpreted as an act of violence towards anyone who happens to be unable to walk, either through disability or drunkenness.

Grayling is, of course, a friend of the Dawkins family and their dog.

And - I'm sorry, professor - but a lot of language needs to come with "trigger warnings", which means "I am about to use everyday terms but if you've got nothing better to do, you can get upset".

In my case, the trigger phrases that raise my blood pressure include "Spirit of Vatican II", "Cardinal Kasper says", "We'll now sing 'Oh what a horrid place the world is' by Bernadette Farrell", "Today we have a visiting preacher, Fr Harry Tique S.J." and "Let us offer each other the sign of peace".

The kiss of peace? No thanks.

At St Tharg's Church, where I normally worship, such acts of micro-aggression are common, and are definitely liable to deter worshippers. However, we do have a side-chapel dedicated to the memory of St Tharg. I have therefore persuaded Fr Arthur to let us use it as a "safe space" for sensitive worshippers. Out go the altar, the candles, and Tracey Emin's religious installation, "The Bed of St Tharg". In come sofas, teddy-bears, blankets to hide under, and the sounds of Gregorian chant.

A safe space in the Tharg Chapel.

Bring on the Year of Mercy with its logo of the two-headed cyclops on skis, its official Paul Inwood Taizé-pastiche hymn, and its mysterious opening of doors! Actually, I don't mind the opening of doors, since Dr Joseph Shaw has kindly provided a liturgy for this in his Latin Mass Society booklet:

Pulso! Pulso!
Quis adest?
Papa Franciscus!
Papa Franciscus quis?

Anyway, bring on the Year of Mercy, and I'll see you in the Tharg Chapel.

Salve, salve! Basil Loftus takes on the Gestapo

We have to thank Joseph Shaw for drawing our attention to the heroic words of Mgr Basil "Lofty" Loftus of the Catholic Times:

Like the Gestapo in the Channel Islands during the last war who had to admit that they couldn't make everyone speak German, but forced them to drive on the right-hand side of the road, that Congregation had, regretfully, to admit that it could no longer make everyone worship in Latin, but by means of an unintelligible translation it would force them to conform to an alien culture in order to demonstrate its own superiority.

"It is I, le cleric!" Basil Loftus reveals himself to an amazed audience.

We are in the early 1960s. It is over 1500 years since the Romans left Britain, but still the hated Catholic Church attempts to force its people to worship in Latin. Luckily, as seen in the television series Salve, salve! there is a heroic resistance movement in which Lofty is a key player.

Hated and feared by all is a theological consultant by the name of Josef Ratzinger of the Gestapo, whose main aim is to suppress the use of "vernacular", a language spoken by everyone, and insist on Tridentine rites that nobody has ever been able to understand.

The hated Herr Ratzinger of the Gestapo.

Resistance to the Nazis is centred on the Vatican II café, where Lofty the pianist plays a selection of his favourite Catholic songs, including "It ain't necessarily so," and "Imagine there’s no Heaven." These are later expanded into hard-hitting heretical articles for the Catholic Times satire page.

Vernacular is a difficult language to master, and Lofty's own preferred translation of the Mass, which begins with "Good moaning!" is clearly defective in some respects. Moreover, his style is based less on "Listen very carefully I shall pray this only once" than "Don't bother listening to me now, I'll be saying the same again next week, or maybe something sillier."

Mgr Basil "Don't mention the war" Foltus.

Unfortunately, Lofty gets crazier as time goes on, and it obliges his listeners to put cheese in their ears if they wish to maintain their sanity. The war against the hated forces of Latin continues, and victory is by no means assured.

The LMS Pilgrimage to Walsingham

The Latin Mass Society pilgrimage from Ely to Walsingham took place from the 22nd to 24th August. The big question on everyone's lips was "Venietne Frater Eccles?" or "Will Bruvver Eccles be coming?" Well, here is my account of the proceedings, and you can judge for yourselves.

Eccles and friends on the pilgrimage.

For me the pilgrimage was an opportunity of meeting several legendary figures for the first time. Dr Joseph Shaw, the LMS Chairman, had invited along his great friend Mgr Basil Loftus - at 103 he was the oldest participant - although Basil is no friend of Latin! "A priori, I may be persona non grata!" he admitted. "But I am coming along to meet the dramatis personæ, and, at the end, to say Veni, Vidi, Vici! even though the use of Latin is infra dignitatem!" He went on to say that God, having no supernatural language-learning abilities, could not possibly understand Latin.

The shirt I was wearing.

Another surprise participant was Michael Campbell, the bishop of Lancaster. He was very keen on having his photograph taken dozens of times, so that he could post the results on his blog, along with all the other remarkably devout things he had been doing in August (Blackpool is such a spiritually nourishing place for a holiday). However, our friend +Campbell dropped out at an early stage, saying that he needed a spot of prayer and reflection.

A place for prayer and reflection!

I had hoped to see Fr Tim Finigan, but he sent his apologies, as he was packing in readiness for his move to Margate. I tried to persuade him that there was no need to take his vast collection of old copies of the Tablet with him, but he felt he could not live without them. Luckily, we did have Father John Zuhlsdorf walking with is, toting his trusty automatic, so that we received no attacks from those vicious gangs of Anglican ladies that roam the Norfolk countryside.

We were really honoured to see Professor Tina Beattie on our expedition. Admittedly, she complained non-stop about the absence of women priests on the pilgrimage, and asked Dr Shaw whether adequate arrangement for contraception and abortion on the walk had been made. I did not hear Dr Shaw's reply.

Walsingham! We ask a local resident for directions.

Well, that's it, really. A good time was had by all, and Damian Thompson - a mere spectator - was waiting in Walsingham to welcome us with a supply of nourishing cupcakes and custard. I think all this circumstantial detail proves that I was definitely present, even if I had doffed my usual red biretta for the occasion.

Is the Church of England like ISIS?

There has been an angry debate between Joseph Shaw and Geoffrey Sales over the question whether the best way to understand ISIS is by studying the Church of England. As usual, it is left to Eccles to rule on this matter.

The dreaded CofE flag (to interpret this, reflect a little).

We do have some anecdotal evidence. Said Mrs Enid Shavius, 84, "I was sitting peacefully at home, when a dreadful man knocked on the door and said he was the 'vicar'. Before I knew where I was I was offering him a cup of tea and listening to his readings from the collected sermons of George Carey. When I woke up, he had disappeared, taking my ginger biscuits with him."

If you see this man, do not invite him in for tea.

Said another witness, Colonel John Vendimus, 76, "I was disgusted to see one of those Anglican women in the street, dressed in the sort of ridiculous costumes that they are encouraging them to wear these days. I didn't give my life in the Boer war to see women being degraded in that way."

Anglican women wearing a degrading and unbecoming costume.

Finally, Miss Maureen Latin-Mass, 55, complained that an aggressive woman came round to her house, demanding "something for our jumble sale - it's in aid of the Anglican Church's Mission to Seafarers". She had to give the woman an old scarf, a pot of turnip jam and an unwanted copy of The God Delusion before she would go away.

The Mission to Seafarers did well this year.

So there we have it - evidence that the Anglican Church has a policy of systematic extortion and repression. Just like ISIS, in fact.

Who invented Giles Fraser?

Leading satirical religious bloggers were disputing today over the origin of the Giles Fraser trope (or do I mean "meme"?). This is a comic creation that has been seen in many places, often in the form of a Church of England priest who promotes secular socialism as Christianity.

Pull the tassel and his head lights up.

This blog denies any responsibility for the Giles Fraser idea, but here are some possible suspects.

Standing on my head by Fr Dwight Longenecker. Was this the origin of the "Christ would have approved of same-sex marriage" joke?

The Beaker folk of Husborne Crawley by Archdruid Eileen. Could she have invented the "I don't object to suicide on religious grounds, merely because it is a tool of market capitalism" quip?

Linen on the Hedgerow by Richard Collins. Surely nobody else could have come up with the idea of a priest who sells his soul to the Guardian?

Dr Spaceley-Trellis.

One obvious ancestor of the Giles Fraser character is Peter Simple's Dr Spaceley-Trellis, the go-ahead bishop of Bevindon, who regarded Christ as a social worker, and was anxious to reject His miracles and moral teaching. Another ancestor is probably Tolkien's character Fr Gollum, with his cries of "Bigotsess, I hatess them!"

... and I was wondering whether you could invite Fr Gollum onto Thought for the Day?

Of course the Catholics have their own comedy characters, some as hilarious as Giles Fraser. We were thinking especially of the brilliant Basil Loftus, who is generally agreed to be an invention of Dr Joseph Shaw.

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In other Anglican news, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has admitted to being strongly influenced by Buddhism. When he runs out of socially aware prayers to say, a spot of navel-contemplation keeps the archiepiscopal spirit fully nourished.

The mystic art of Can-tu-ar.

Missing veteran found safe

Some items of religious news have just come in.

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Basil Loftus - safe and well.

A Vatican II veteran, who disappeared from his care home after being told that he could not attend celebrations for E-day - because he didn't really believe in the bodily resurrection of Christ - has been found safe and well. Monsignor Basil Loftus, 93, escaped from his minders in Ravenloonie, in northern Scotland; he was eventually found wandering round the Catholic Times muttering that the Church kept asking him to assent to doctrines which no true Protestant could stomach. Also he would sue anyone who called him a heretic, especially if it was the pope.

Said one spokesman: "He really shouldn't be allowed to wander around unattended. Sometimes he just says the first thing that comes into his head, and it causes annoyance to so many people." A member of the public, Dr Joseph Shaw, added: "He came and sat next to me on the bus; after two minutes of his ramblings, I couldn't take it any more. In the end I was forced to go and sit somewhere else."

Basil has now been returned to his care home in Scotland. He is not believed to be dangerous, just very boring.

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The bishops of England and Wales today were today in crisis, after their headquarters were officially labelled "unsaved". Said a spokesman, "I know that some of us have been getting a bad press lately, but it seems a little cruel to say that we are 'unsaved'."

Bad news for the CBCEW.

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Finally, it was announced that a computer had narrowly failed to pass the Turing Test, which requires a machine to respond to questions so that it cannot be distinguished from a real person. The computer, a Retro 84, was programmed to contribute to Twitter, trolling the timeline of a prominent speaker for Catholic Voices, and making inane comments on everything she said.

Ooh, look what @fairdove has been saying today. Not a make-it-up-as-you-go-along Catholic like me LOL.

Initially it was thought that the Retro 84 was a genuine Catholic woman, but when it started loading its comments with meaningless words such as "bigot" and "homophobe", and when it described Hans Küng as an "eminent theologise", it was clear that in fact it was simply a computer program speaking, possibly one influenced by the legendary Professor Stanley Unwin.

This computode Catholibabe knows its trollybanter! Amazey.

Basil Loftus - physical or only spiritual?

It is still Eastertide, a time at which we consider those great events of the 1970s when Basil Loftus arose and was seen by many witnesses. However, there is now a fierce debate in Catholic circles about the question whether he is with us in a physical sense, or if his existence is merely spiritual.

The risen Basil Loftus.

There is a detailed discussion of this point on the blog of Dr Joseph Shaw. One can easily find evidence of the works of Loftus in this world: for example, the Catholic Times has a "humour" column featuring wacky parodies of Catholic doctrine, which is attributed to the great man. Others point to the Mildew Miracle, where Fr Clifton claimed to hear threatening voices over his telephone. Similar inexplicable phenomena were recorded by Fr Blake in Brighton.

A demonstration of the "kiss of peace".

However, many Catholic commentators believe that Basil has no physical reality. Although he is incardinated in the Diocese of Leeds, where there is no bishop to advise him to put a sock in it, Basil's address is recorded as being in a remote part of Scotland given over to wildlife, where there are said to be no other humans within 50 miles. So on balance we must conclude that Basil's existence is simply spiritual, and not physical.

Nonsense! I see Mgr Loftus regularly!

The Pilgrim's Ogress 4 - the guilt of Titus' Grandma

Continued from Part 3

Eccles's Anti Moly takes up the tale.

After my stupid nephew escaped from the Tablet headquarters in Hammersmith, he wanted to go to Blogfen, a woeful traddy parish somewhere near Sidcup. Eccles had heard that there was a meeting there in honour of Titus' Grandma, to which Catholic bloggers were invited. My nephew somehow thought that he would be welcome.

This is Titus, but we never met his Grandma.

It was quite difficult to get to Blogfen, because our donkey, Micky, carrying the emergency gin supplies, wasn't allowed on buses or trains. Also, Eccles wanted to go incognito, as he had heard that a lunatic from Croydon was out for his blood; so he dressed up as a clown and pretended to be his brother Bosco. We missed the religious events, but arrived in time for the party.

Our donkey, also in disguise.

The event was very strange. There was an old man called "Lofty" present, who said he had come along in order to shut down as many blogs as possible. He also had an interesting theory, based on turning over several pages of St Luke's Gospel at once, that Jesus was only on the Earth for one week - Born on a Monday, Baptised on Tuesday, Retreated on Wednesday, Did His ministry on Thursday, Crucified on Friday, Rose on Saturday, Ascended on Sunday. Lofty spent most of the party exchanging scowls with someone they called the "LMS Chairman", and in the end the two of them went outside for a punch-up and never came back.

Eccles asked me to republish this photo of Basil Foltus as a young man.

Eccles says he will always look at Tina Beattie in a new light, as a result of the Blogfen party. As a leading Catholic thinker, she had come to the meeting, and Eccles, who is a little infatuated with her, asked her to dance. It was woeful seeing "luvvly Tina" and my idiot nephew Eccles tango-ing to a Gregorian chant, but this was supposed to be an occasion for getting to know new people.

Hans Küng was there too, and I thought he and I might dance, so I went up to him to ask. Silly me, it was his statue! Apparently Fr Finigan, the host of the party, had been given a copy of the original statue, and had not yet found a good home for it. Well, after a bottle or two of gin, it was an easy mistake for me to make.

Woeful - this man refused to dance with me.

Several more traddy bloggers were also present, many from the Brighton area. I remember talking to a man called Bones; he had come with his friend Blakey from Brighton, who kept saying "I 'ate you, Gardner", although we never discovered who this Gardner man was.

Bones (with an unusual cross) and Blakey.

But the person I remember best, because he talked for three hours without interruption, was someone they called "The Archbishop of Corby". I jotted down a few gems of his conversation, such as, "Make sure you understand the question you're asking, Ma'am, but it seems you prefer a black and white answer to a labyrinth of conditional logic gates you won't even acknowledge, as it's a question of objective disordering circumstances and Noachide/natural moral law, exposing your ignorance of intention/motive and circumstantial factors." This was in response to "Would you like another cup of tea, your Grace?" from a lady in a mantilla.

Sitting on the naughty chair.

Ah well, I slipped under the table shortly after that, and don't remember much more. Such is life, eh? What's more, they played Gregorian chant all afternoon, and not the music I wanted to dance to. Woeful.

This is the sort of music I prefer.

To be continued by another author.

Church Membership in Decline

Jerusalem, Easter Day, AD 33. Shocking figures in this week's Catholic Herald (editor, Matthew Bar-Alphaeus) indicate that Church Membership, which stood at over 5,000 only a few months ago, has plummeted to around 25 (including 11 apostles, various people called Mary, a centurion, etc.)

The Church, in healthier days, at a parish picnic.

Dr Joseph of Arimathea, of the Latin Mass Society, linked the decline to the wrenching changes in the Church produced by the Crucifixion. However, a new initiative, the Resurrection, was announced today; as a result there were predictions that around 500 people might be joining the Church within the next 40 days, with a corresponding increase in apostolic vocations. A further initiative was planned within 50 days.

Dr Joseph of Arimathea - planning a trip to the Glastonbury Festival?

Critics have said that religion as a whole is in decline, partly as a result of the secularising attitudes of Prime Minister "Call me Tibe" Tiberius, regarded by some as a living god with his own temple at Smyrna. Certainly Tiberius has surrounded himself with assistants who are no friends of Christianity, such as one (rumoured to be Pontius Pilate) who this week described the eleven remaining apostles as "swivel-eyed loons" for their opposition to Tibe's policies on orgies, massacres and same-sex marriage.

Conservative Party headquarters, Smyrna.