The Synod of Comics and the Synod of Despots

As a by-product of the Synod on Synodal Synodality, Pope Francis is enjoying synods so much that he decided to hold two more.

Getting ready for some kenotic decentering.

First, the Synod of Comics. A bit of a mixed bunch here - Fr James Martin LGBTSJ made the cut, but Austen Ivereigh didn't. Then Stephen Colbert, was there, chosen for being Catholic but not too Catholic, and certainly not too funny.

Colbert likes to needle people.

Also Whoopi Goldberg is about as anti-Catholic as they come. But she will be walking with the rest (or perhaps waddling), all the while looking for a new way of being Church. Oh, that's enough, let's move on to the synod of despots.

"Could you jump-start my brain, please? The battery's flat."

All the great world leaders - by which we mean acolytes of Soros, Schwab and Gates etc. - will be attending the synod of despots. Well not all - you would expect to see despots such as Arthur Roche and Victor Fernández attending, but Uncle Arthur dropped out when he was told there would be no cake, while Tucho was told he would not be allowed to kiss anyone, not even Ursula von der Leyen.

"How nice to meet someone who's even more unpopular than I am!"

Of course, Pope Francis will be at both synods. His own Amoris Laetitia is packed with jokes as funny as anything Colbert ever said, while his despotic skills have never been questioned.

Well, that will take people's attention away from Rupnik, won't it?

The Book of Covidicus 24 - they think it's all over

Continued from Chapter 23.

1. Two years after the coming of the plague, it was decided that, after all, it was no longer slaying all the world, and had become much weaker.

2. No longer were the people asked to test themselves by waggling little sticks up their noses, screaming in agony, and then dipping the sticks into a mystic potion that could tell them if they were sick.

Congratulations, my son. Thou dost not have the plague.

3. However the rich merchants of Phi-za were still hoping to deliver seventy times seven vixens to every man, woman, and child.

4. Also, the children of Bri-tain stopped discussing the grave issue of whether Bo-sis had eaten a cake on his birthday.

5. Yeah, even Keir of the Labourites no longer mentioned the question more than three times per day.

6. For in the east there ruled a mighty tyrant known as Pu-tin of the Russites, grandson of Sta-lin, great-grandson of Le-nin, and he attacked the land of the Ukrainites.

Pu-tin knoweth his Enemy!

7. And such was his madness that he threatened to use the weapons known as nu-clear if the children of Bri-tain, the land of EUgypt, or even the distant Americas decided to fight.

8. Although the rich merchants of Phi-za promised to produce a vixen that would conquer all radiation as it done the great plague - maybe not the first time, and not the second time, but surely the seventy times seventh time.

9. And all the children of Bri-tain had to do was to waggle little sticks in their noses to discover whether they were emitting the ray that is gamma.

10. In which case, they would simply have to self-isolate in a concrete bunker for forty years.

Concrete bunker Sainte Bernadette du Banlay

11. And the children of Bri-tain cried out, "Oh no, not again! They want us to wear masks as well!"

12. So the monks who wrote the mighty books of Brexodus and Covidicus wondered whether it was time to bring this one to an end and begin a new story.

13. But should it be named The Book of Numbskulls or something else?

The story continues here.

The Book of Covidicus 23: let him eat cake!

Continued from Chapter 22.

1. So the new year dawned, and the children of Bri-tain forgot the plague and worried instead about the wild parties attended by Bo-sis.

2. For the street of Downing had been a land flowing with wine and cheese.

3. But the Sages continued to prophesy the end of the world, as did the models of Neil, Son of Fergus.

4. Yet the people refused to die any faster than they had before. So Bo-sis decided to bring an end to Plan B.

5. From now on, it would be possible to enter the grand halls without a vixen, and to rob banks without a mask; and nobody needed to be tested more than five times a day.

6. So the people looked out to more distant parts of the world. For the Russites were ready to fight the Ukrainites.

All is well - the Russites are wearing masks.

7. However, there were far more urgent problems to worry the children of Bri-tain.

8. For on all corners the cry went up "Did Bo-sis eat a cake?"

9. For many this was a step too far, and the cry went up for Bo-sis to resign, and be replaced by Su-nak, or the Lady Truss. Or even Keir of the Starmerites.

10. And at this time Cam-aaron appeared once more, dressed in strange vestments like unto a merchant from Dodji. And the people were sore afraid.

Mayhap Bo-sis was not so bad after all.

11. Then a very aged man called Hess El-Tine was summoned from the dead to say that Bo-sis should go, and that this would open the can that containeth worms.

12. For then, he said, Brexodus should end; that is, the children of Bri-tain should return to EUgypt.

13. So for several weeks the children of Bri-tain talked of little else except parties and cakes.

"Cake? What cake?"

Continued in Chapter 24.

The Book of Covidicus 22: passports, please!

Continued from Chapter 21.

1. It came to pass that Carrie, the wife of Bo-sis, gave birth to a daughter, the sister of Wil-fred.

2. Thus fulfilling the words of the Lord unto Boris: I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore.

3. For the offspring of Bo-sis were now so numerous that he was no longer able to count them; although, according to the beautiful models of Neil, son of Fergus, he now had approximately twenty thousand children.

4. And Bo-sis called his daughter Romy, or Rho for short, as this was the name of the next variant of the plague to be expected.

5. But then there came a scandal that rocked Bri-tain to its foundations.

Bo-sis playeth a party game.

6. For it was revealed that one year earlier Bo-sis had spent the holy season in wild partying, while the rest of the country was reduced to tiers.

7. For it was written "In the lands of Tier 3, the people must not carouse. Indeed, they should not enjoy themselves at all."

8. So Bo-sis removed the paper hat from his head, the balloon tied to his suit, and the party whistle that shooteth out into the face of his neighbour, and said "I have never been to a party." But nobody believed him.

9. Thus he turned his attention to the great plague of Omicron, which slayeth not.

The Omicron plague refuseth to slay the people.

10. And there came unto him a messenger saying "Good news! A man hath died of Omicron! Well, in fact he was eaten by a camel, but he was heard to sneeze only ten days previously. The plague is now deadly."

11. So Bo-sis put down his cake, his party popper, and his party bag called "goodie", and spake out, saying "Time for Plan B".

12. And the people also spake out saying, "This meaneth the passports of vixen, which Bo-sis promised never to introduce! Can it be that our mighty leader hath been telling the pies that are porky?"

Note to foreign readers: Cockney Rhyming Slang - pork pies = lies. And now back to the story.

13. So Bo-sis held a mighty vote in the House of Common People, which was keenly fought.

Sajidiah the Bald backeth Bo-sis.

14. For Keir, Chief of the Labourites, spake out, saying "I am the leader of the Opposition, and therefore I support Bo-sis completely. Er, am I doing this right?"

15. But there came a great opposition to Plan B from Bo-sis's own tribe of Conservatites, even unto one hundred fold.

16. But still Plan B was passed, and the children of Bri-tain were told to be vaxed, to be tested, or to die from the deadly plague of camels Omicron.

Continued in Chapter 23.

The Book of Covidicus 21: the Omicron cometh

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. It came to pass that Bo-sis lost confidence in his advisers, be they the wise Sages, Neil, son of Ferguson, or even Sajidiah the bald.

2. Thus he went to visit the wise woman Pepperoni, blessed with a face like a hairdryer, who, as many cruel men said, came from a tribe of swine.

The wise woman Pepperoni.

3. And Bo-sis came back in great excitement, telling all the world that Pepperoni was most wondrous wise, and that he had learned a lot from her.

4. But what he had learned no man shall never know, for soon afterwards there came another deadly form of the plague.

5. This one was named Omicron although it should have more properly have been named after Xi-who-must-be-obeyed, the Emperor of China.

Xi-who-must-be-obeyed (pronouns Xi/Xer).

6. And this plague was the most deadly of all, as it had no effects whatsoever.

7. So Bo-sis spake out, saying, "If thou feelest healthy, then most probably thou hast caught the new plague, and should retire to thy bed for a month."

8. "For otherwise thou mayst infect thy neighbour, and he too will feel healthy."

9. And the people replied, "Now, that is the kind of plague that I like!"

10. Still, to be on the safe side, Bo-sis decreed that all men should once more cover their faces in the markets and also in the chariots known as public transport.

Bo-sis discovereth a strange side-effect of the latest vixen.

11. However, for the moment, he did not insist that all the world should be vaxed.

12. For in foreign countries, such as the southern land known as Australis where men tied down kangaroos for sport, those who refused the seventh vixen were cast into the camps of concentration and left to starve.

13. Thus proving that the death rate among the unvaxed could be very high.

Continued in Chapter 22.

The Book of Covidicus 19: Bosis's popularity waneth

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. Thus, after the children of Bri-tain were given their freedom, they passed forty days and forty nights enjoying the rain that droppeth from Heaven in the summer.

2. Or possibly fifty days and fifty nights, for all the days were alike.

3. The children of Bri-tain could now go out into the streets and the markets without masks, provided that they did not mind the occasional cries of "WEAR A MASK THOU FASCIST! THOU HAST KILLED MY FAMILY! MY LIFE AND HAPPINESS HAVE BEEN STOLEN!"

"Alas, this mask beareth no instructions."

4. Also, many had received the vixen that protecteth man from all diseases, and were therefore awarded the title of "first class citizen".

5. Those who refused the vixen, perhaps because they thought it was evil, or they thought it was useless, or they thought it was dangerous, became second-class citizens.

6. They were forced to carry a bell with them, which they rang, and to cry "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" as they walked through the streets feeding on scraps of rotten food.

7. Although Bo-sis had promised that there would be no preference given to those who had received the vixen, neither would there be passports that they could carry.

Criminals guilty of vax evasion.

8. Also, there was a shortage of people to drive the ox-carts on which food was delivered. Thus, there was no food in the markets (although it mostly seemed to affect those people who had voted to remain in EU-gypt).

9. Still, life was even worse in other lands. In the land of Australis, where men walk upon their heads, all the people were locked in their homes, and the officers of the law, like unto a roaring wallaby, walked about, seeking whom they might devour.

10. Even in the land of EU-gypt, where man could no longer feast on the leg of the snail and the frog, or possibly the other way round, the people suffered much. Many crossed the Red Sea in small boats, that they might come to the promised land of Bri-tain, which flowed with milk and honey (deliveries permitting).

11. Then Bo-sis had a new idea, that all the children of Bri-tain should be taxed (as well as vaxed).

12. For he said, "We must protect the National Health Service, that hath saved so many lives. For if thou sufferest from the plague, then all thou needst do is to call them, and they will tell thee how to make an Intensive Care Unit using a lawnmower and a bicycle pump in thy garden shed. For it is too dangerous for a doctor to see thee.

13. And now these people need our money, that they may appoint more managers, equality and diversity officers, and dancing coordinators.

Bo-sis prepareth to deliver "social care".

14. Also we shall see that no man payeth more than six-and-eighty gold pieces for care in his old age: for we shall kill him when the money is spent."

15. And the people began to mutter "Mayhap Keir, chief of the Labourites, is not much more useless than Bo-sis."

Continued in Chapter 20.

The Book of Covidicus 18: Free Dom Day

Continued from Chapter 17

1. After the departure of Matthew of Hanoch, Bosis gave his servant Sajidiah the task of healing all the sick in the land of Bri-tain.

2. And Sajidiah continued with Matthew's plan, and announced that there would be a day called Free Dom.

3. For this was to celebrate the freeing of Dominus Vobis Cummings, formerly a trusted adviser to Bo-sis, who had been imprisoned in the castles of Barnard after losing the favour of Bosis.

4. So Dominus was released, and he devoted his life to explaining how all those who had ever worked for Bosis were untrustworthy and dishonest. Except himself.

Dominus buildeth a Bosis golem, but cannot control it.

5. Meanwhile, Bosis had come up with a cunning scheme for stopping the plague from spreading.

6. Everyone was asked to carry around a small box, called Phone, which would go PING! if they had ever been near another person who had the plague.

7. Or, in fact, near a person who had been near a person who had been near a person who had been near a person whose box had gone PING!

8. Such people were outcasts and told that they had the symptoms of the plague, even if they were totally healthy.

Bosis's Phone speaketh to him.

9. And Bosis spake out saying "That way PING! we shall know PING! who is to be PING! locked up until their PING! ping stoppeth. But not me of course."

10. But the people were very angry and cried with one voice "PING! Bosis too must be locked PING! up." And it was so.

Benjamin the Great hath been near to a plague victim.

11. Now, after the Free Dom day, many new rights were given to the people.

12. They need not wear masks on omnibuses, in the markets, nor when eating or consuming drink. Unless they were told to.

13. Finally, Bosis recalled his solemn promise that, although he wanted everyone to take the great vixen that cureth all ills, he would permit those who did not wish it to refuse it.

A priest blesseth his flock.

14. So he decided that all men should receive Vixen Passports, without which they could not buy food or clothing, attend the theatres, or worship in the temples.

15. "Thus I have PING! kept my promise," said he. "Now, how do I PING! silence my Phone?"

Continued in Chapter 19.

The Book of Covidicus 15: a new threat

Continued from Chapter 14.

1. So the weeks rolled on, and the children of Bri-tain received the magic vixen that promised immortality.

2. And they continued to wear masks, even when walking in the wilderness miles from any other life save the locusts, quails, and wild beasts.

3. Now Bo-sis consulted with a team of wise men known as SAGEs: these included experts in astrology, decolonized poetry, necromancy, non-binary algebra, voodoo, post-feminist transgender studies, civilised engineering, anti-racist sackbut-playing, wizardry, and comedy.

4. The last of these was Neil, son of Fergus, who had surrounded himself with beautiful models, all of which gave wrong answers when questioned.

The sages tell Bo-sis how to deal with the plague.

5. So, as the sages continued to deliberate, Bo-sis remembered his solemn promise to the children of Bri-tain, that he would not require them to carry papers, known as passports, to prove that they had received the vixen.

6. Thus he spake out one day, saying, "I have had a jolly good wheeze, chaps! Let us require you to carry papers, known as passports, to prove that you have received the vixen!"

7. But before any serious decision could be taken, Bo-sis was forced to launch an assault on the pool known as Hartley, which had been possessed by the Starmerites as long as anyone could remember. For this was the time known as by-election.

The famous Statue of Liberty at Hartley's Pool.

8. It came to pass that Hartley's pool fell to Bo-sis, and he rejoiced greatly. And the Starmerites wept, saying, "The workers of Hartley's pool are indeed different from our own people of Islington: for they are hewers of timber, and drawers of water, and they hardly ever kneel down in memory of the blessed Floyd."

9. However, the people of Islington rejoiced, for Genghis, known as Khan, was reappointed as supreme leader of the Londonites, following a massive support from the criminal community.

10. Now, the time was fast approaching when the third step of Bo-sis's road map should be reached. Thus, the children of Bri-tain could visit each other's dwellings once more.

11. Also, gatherings outside were permitted, with no more than thirty people allowed, unless they had come to tear down statues, loot the shops, or attack the guards known as policemen.

12. And the SAGEs issued instructions, explaining how the children of Bri-tain should hug each other: for it was so long since people had been permitted so to do that they had completely forgotten.

Two members of SAGE demonstrate the Sign of Peace.

13. But there now came a new threat from far India: for the plague had mutated into a new more fearsome disease, known as Vindaloo, which caused a fever, a burning of the tongue, and an acidic stomach. The only known remedy for this illness was to drink of the mighty potion known as lager.

14. And the children of Bri-tain were severely perturbed, as this was likely to delay the promised return to normal living, which was due a month thence: thus they would be unable to finish the Book of Covidicus and move on to the book of Numbskulls.

Continued in Chapter 16.

Pope Francis to collaborate with Harry and Meghan

Having sent a nessage to Vax Live, "the concert to reunite the world", chaired by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (hereafter, Harry and Meghan) - who are having enough trouble reuniting their own family - Pope Francis is anxious to exploit his friendship with the future king of the UK and president of the USA (unconfirmed).

Although Pope Francis himself admits that he is "an old man, who does not dance or sing like you", he has also sent along Cardinal "Chito" Tagle, the world's oldest teenager, who has promised to dance, sing, and burst into tears wherever appropriate.

The present and future popes? Cardinal Tagle shows off his dancing skills.

In return, Harry and Meghan have agreed to write some passages for Ecclesia Woka Sit ("Let the Church be woke"), the Pope's next encyclical. They will also persuade some of their friends to contribute: these include Chelsea Clinton (already a participant in an online Vatican conference on health), Greta Thunberg, professor of climatology at the university of Truanzee, Deacon-in-training Joseph Biden of the Devout Catholic Church of Washington, and of course Bill and Melinda Gates from the charitable foundation known as Help the Rich Get Even Richer.

A harmless side-effect of the Gates vaccine - you turn into a geek.

There are many important issues to be addressed in Ecclesia Woka Sit. A change in the liturgy is planned, in which the priest and congregation will "take a knee" at the start of Mass, in honour of Black Lives Matter*; they will also tear down the statues of any saints who may have links with slavery - for example, by having ancestors or descendants who once wore cotton.

*At least they matter unless they are babies. (Thanks, Chelsea!)

After the recent meddling with the Lord's Prayer ("how foolish of Jesus to get it wrong" as a Pope Francis ally explained to us), more changes are planned, introducing themes such as climate change and transgender awareness and removing the embarrassing bits about forgiveness, temptation, and evil.

Oh praise ye the Floyd!

Priests are also being encouraged to display their pronouns - preferably they/them rather than he/him, although she/her will also be accepted - on sign boards, in church newsletters, and in emails, etc. At the start of Mass, they recommend a form of words such as "Hi, guys, gals and people of all other genders and none, I am Parent James Martin LGBTSJ (they/them), and we're going to have a really swell time today!"

Preparations for the new encyclical are said to be going well, although apparently Meghan has already fallen out with her collaborators. Pope Francis has accused her of bullying, and she has accused the entire Ecclesia Woka Sit team of racism. So it's business as usual.

"It was terrible, Oprah. I called Cardinal Sarah a racist, and he simply laughed at me."

The Book of Covidicus 14: the Road Map

Continued from Chapter 13.

1. Over the next month, the children of Bri-tain were mightily vaxed, some with the AstroLogica vixen, and some with the Pfizicians' vixen.

2. And much was the dispute over which vixen (if either) was safe.

3. In the end it was agreed that both vixens were dangerous for anyone over the age of two score and ten years or under the age of three score years. So all men were equally content.

A new hope.

4. Then Bo-sis thought deeply and came up with a "Smashing Wheeze, Chaps!" However, his advisers counselled him to give it another name, and so he called it a "Road Map".

5. For it was a brilliant plan, by which the children of Bri-tain could be led from the swamps of Covid into the promised land of milk and honey (beer and crisps would also be available).

6. So as springtime arrived, the people rejoiced, for they were now permitted to sit in each other's gardens and watch the rain fall.

"Alas, your Majesty, only six people may attend your garden party."

7. But woe betide them if they entered the houses of their friends: for if they did they would be cast into the deepest dungeons.

8. Moreover, they were not permitted to flee the country, even to return to the land of EU-gypt: for the only people who could come to Britain must travel in the boats of rubber in order to seek refuge from the evil tyrants of EU-gypt, Ursula of Lebanon and Emmanuel Macrabaeus of the Frenchites.

9. So the children of Bri-tain, who wished above all to go to the houses that were called public, studied the Road Map of Bo-sis to see what new liberties would be granted to them.

10. And they rejoiced to see that soon they would be allowed to have their hair cut, to buy non-essential goods such as clothes, and to hold lavish weddings with fifteen guests.

11. Indeed, for many months the children of Bri-tain had grown their hair, dressed in rags, and remained unwed. So that in fact most of the people now resembled Bo-sis himself.

"My brother Bo-sis is an hairy man. And now I am an hairy man too."

Continued in Chapter 15.