Ordo Amoris for beginners

Many readers have asked me to explain "Ordo Amoris", which is in the news at the moment. Is it related to Novus Ordo? Or to Amoris Laetitia? Or is it something else entirely?

St Venn tries to explain Ordo Amoris by a diagram.

Well, in fact, Ordo Amoris is one of those bits of Christian doctrine that can be traced back to St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas, two Doctors of the Church who, coincidentally, won Silver and Gold medals, respectively, in the recent World Cup of Pot-Biblical saints.

But who are these old fogeys to set their opinions against those of future Doctors of the Church such as Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, Austen "Rupnik stays up on my wall" Ivereigh, and Mike Lewis of Where Pachamama Is?

The most telling argument against Ordo Amoris is that it is espoused by JD Vance of the "Nasty Orange Man" team. He claims to be a Catholic, but obviously can't be named in the same breath as Joe Biden, Grand Bricklayer and Plasterer Pursuivant of the Masonic Order of Planned Parenthood.

Devout Catholic (retd.)

There is a way of producing an argument that is based on cutting out random bits of scripture, boiling them in acid for 24 hours, and then presenting them as unassailable doctrine. With this you can argue that parents should neglect their children and spend their time in educating the natives of Borrioboola-Gha, on the left bank of the Niger. (I pinched that from the great Mrs Jellyby in Bleak House, by the way.)

After all, did Jesus not ask us, in the parable of the Good Samaritan, to identify who was the neighbour of the poor chap who was robbed? Actually, it may have been a trick question, as nowadays you are quite likely to be mugged by your neighbours, especially if you live in London.

Anyway, once you have put yourself above Trump and Vance, you may as well go for their friend Elon Musk, and even Calvin Robinson of the Almost-Catholic Church. Here you have an easy target, as they are obviously all Nazis!

The Fascist greeting, "My heart goes out to you."

To those of us in the know, "My heart goes out to you" - or in German "Heil Hitler!" - is a code phrase meaning "We are ready to annex Canada, Panama, Greenland, and Poland." Don't be fooled by its appearance in a pro-life context. If you need more proof, look at this message from that well-known fascist King Charles III in the guise of condolences for the recent air crash in Washington.

See! No prayers, just a fascist message about hearts!

I guess that, as supreme governor of the Anglican Church, he would not dare offer prayers, as it would offend many of his bishops.

Well, I hope you found that helpful. For more information, see Pope Francis's next apostolic exhortation "Ordo Amoris is a Synodal Matter".

Catholic Church to be renamed "Y"

In a desperate attempt to modernize the Catholic Church, Pope Francis announced today that from now on, the social media organization religion will no longer be called "Catholic" but will be rebranded as "Y".

The new flag includes a humble "Y" (in the Catholic Silly Font, naturally).

Out will go the old-fashioned "cross" logo - Pope Francis is hoping that his very-popular three-year synodal progress will come up with an alternative. "Perhaps something based on the rainbow," suggested his close confidant Fr James Martin LGBTSJ. "That's Biblical, isn't it?"

Fr James Martin jets in.

"The name 'Y' came to me by divine revelation," explained the Holy Father. "I looked out of my window soon after we announced Traditionis Custodes and I had a vision of a multitude of Catholics all shouting 'Y, oh Y, oh Y?' Make a note of that, Austen, it can go in your next biography of me as an evidence of my saintliness."

In response to this radical change, Mr Elon Musk, the well-known rich person, commented "What a silly name!"

The last eight saints

We have reached the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Uncrowned Saints, and because Elon Musk, in his wisdom, is changing the rules of Twitter polls, this may be the last one we run. It also has to be completed by Easter Saturday.

So - unless we can find a way round this - no more world cups of bad hymns (Lord of the Dance), bad cardinals (Cupich), ugly churches (St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan), instruments from Hell (vuvuzela) etc. etc.

So we'll use this post to record the results of the final rounds of the (last?) Twitter World Cup.

Pope Leo XIII 61.8 v Fulton Sheen 38.2

Leo takes it, surprisingly easily. Well, they are both very strong candidates, whatever Cardinal Dolan thinks.

G.K. Chesterton 51.8 v Karl I of Austria 48.2

The lead changed hands several times, but finally GKC won the contest. The vote was 52-48, but all requests for a second "people's vote" that might give a different answer will be rejected.

Pope Pius XII 58.9 v Pope Benedict XVI 41.1

Experience tells, as the old campaigner beats the newcomer in the Pope v Pope quarter-final.

Thomas à Kempis 51.4 v Marcel Lefebvre 48.6

A lot of SSPX fans voted in earlier rounds, but Tom managed to scrape through this time.

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Semi-finals (starting on Easter Sunday).

Pope Leo XIII 71.7 v Pope Pius XII 28.3

A "two popes" semi-final. Leo takes this, surprisingly easily, and declares himself "fighting fit" as the final approaches.

G.K. Chesterton 47.6 v Thomas à Kempis 52.4

A "two writers" semi-final. A close match, and Thomas heads for the final, leaving GKC to contest the bronze halo.

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THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Pope Pius XII 55.6 v G.K. Chesterton 44.4

Pius takes the bronze halo. John Cornwell bites his leg off in embarrassment.

FINAL

Pope Leo XIII 64.1 v Thomas à Kempis 35.9

A surprisingly easy win for Leo. Gold halo for him, and silver for Thomas.

The Last Trump Returns to Twitter

Yes, the Last Trump is back! The moment that we have all been waiting for - since the world is such a horrible place at present - can be expected to be announced on Twitter in the near future!

Two angels (with vuvuzela and bongo drums) practise for the Last Trump.

Until the arrival of the great Prophet Elon, the Last Trump was banned from Twitter. As a result, mankind has been forced to carry on digging itself into a deeper and deeper hole, because nothing can happen in this world unless it is announced on Twitter first. But now, following a democratic vote of all 10 billion people in the world (including bots), @RealLastTrump is back, and expected to Tweet PAAAAAARRPPPPP! any day now.

Of course, some people are not happy with the return of the Last Trump, and have quietly slunk away, usually with a scream of "The Last Judgement is Fascist!"

Leigh Rubin saw it coming in 2018.

At the other end of the spectrum, many devout Catholics, such as Pope Francis, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Blase Cupich, Arthur Roche, James Martin, Austen Ivereigh and Massimo Faggioli, have declared themselves ready to meet the Last Trump as "We were right along!"

No comment needed.

So far @RealLastTrump has not Tweeted, but we expect a Judgement any time now.

Elon Musk offers to buy the Catholic Church

Elon Musk, said to be the richest man in the world after Cardinal Becciu, has made a bid of $666 billion for the Catholic Church (hereafter abbreviated to Cather). In a letter to Pope Francis, Chairman of the Church since a 2013 boardroom coup, Musk said that the business was not thriving under its current management, and that changes were needed.

The new owner.

This is not the first time that Cather has faced hostile takeover bids: in the 16th century the entrepreneur Henry Tudor made an extremely savage takeover of its English business, "cancelling" many users. Similarly, the tycoon Martin Luther attempted to force the German branch of the Church out of business by setting up a rival platform. But this is apparently the first time that a bid has been made for the whole Church.

If Musk is successful, he is expected to sack the unpopular Chairman Francis, and install himself as boss, taking the title Pope Elon I.

"Takover or invasion, which do you want?"

What other changes are we likely to see?

I'm glad you asked me that. We are likely to see the return of several people who were effectively silenced by the antisocial medium - for example the notorious American Raymond Burke with his aggressive statements such as WE WONDER IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO ANSWER A FEW DUBIA FOR US, HOLY FATHER? and many people who have infringed "Community Standards" by praising the Traditional Latin Mass.

The new Musk-run Cather is unlikely to waste any time on synods, and all the pressure groups that have so far exploited Cather to conduct such activities, such as the German Heretic Synod, the Deranged Feminist Synod, and the Jesuit LGBTSJ Synod, will be in breach of Cather rules.

We live in interesting times. Possibly.