The Book of Numbskulls 1 - the fall of Bosis

Continued from here.

1. In my earlier writings, O Theophilus, namely the books of Brexodus and Covidicus, I told the story of how Bosis led the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt, and how they were hit by a great plague.

2. Now I must tell the tragical history of the downfall of Bosis and his replacement by his servant Trusshua.

On the way out...

3. For by the seventh month, Bosis had lost favour with the people.

4. First, because of his love of cake. For he had held a great feast, at which there appeared on the wall, written in letters of fire, the words MENE PEPEL ARUN HARPE, which is to say "The people of the Beeby Sea have found thee wanting and wish thee to go."

5. Second, there was a man named Pincher, who was accused of pinching two men.

6. But Bosis refused to believe in his iniquity, defending Pincher by saying, "Doth Raab rob? Doth Mogg mug? Is Eustice useless? Well, perhaps yes in this last case, but I cannot believe that Pincher doth pinch."

7. But the end was in sight, for Sajidiah, the bringer of health, and Rishi the Sunakite, the bringer of wealth (or not), now resigned from their offices, followed by many other ministers.

8. And even the aged patriarch, John of Magdala, who had led the Conservatites thirty years earlier, spake from his tomb, saying "It is time for the 1922 B.C. committee to intervene, they that wear grey suits and dwell in smoke-filled rooms."

The spectre of the late John of Magdala.

9. So Bosis admitted that the game was up and a new leader was needed. Besides, he had led the people out of EUgypt (except perhaps for the Irish of the North), reduced their footprints of carbon, and brought prosperity to all. Or so he said.

10. Then there came forth eight brave heroes, all willing to lead the children of Bri-tain into a glorious future.

11. But soon the candidates disappeared one by one, as in the fabled book of Anima Christi, known as "Ten little Tories", which was known throughout the land of Bri-tain.

12. So that only Trusshua and Rishi the Sunakite remained.

The race for power.

13. Now the people of the Western Minster preferred Rishi, but the Law of Profits told them that they must consult the humble Conservatites who dwelt among the grass roots.

14. And the lot fell upon Trusshua, and what a lot it would be, as I shall relate next.

Continued in Chapter 2.

Covidicus, Chapter 11 meets Brexodus, Chapter 22

Translator's note: Sometimes we find that two distinct chapters of the Bible are identical: for example, 2 Kings 19 and Isaiah 37 (not to mention the book of Rosica, which is copied from numerous other texts). Here is another case in point.

Continued from Brexodus Chapter 21 and Covidicus Chapter 10.

1. In the last month of the year, Bo-sis was ready to sign a treaty with the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, so that the children of Bri-tain would finally be able to make peace with EU-gypt.

2. However, the Frenchites, the Spanishites and the Dutchites were very fond of fish, and their fishermen spake out saying "For many years we have fished in the Red Sea, yeah, even in the waters of the children of Bri-tain. Let us continue to do so."

3. "For our starving children ask us for fish, and we have to give them a serpent. (Which, actually, the Frenchites quite like.)"

4. Meanwhile, the plague continued to rage, and even as the mighty vixen began to protect the elderly and infirm, Bo-sis had ill tidings for the people. Indeed the tiers began to flow as never before.

5. For the Londonites were cast into a fourth great tier, where there was a weeping and gnashing of teeth. And there they remained.

The pool of tiers.

6. However some were able to flee Londinium, by digging a tunnel under the great highway known as the twenty-fifth M, and then fleeing through the countryside disguised as bank managers from Birmingham.

7. But now the holy season was approaching, in which the people were accustomed to feast on turkeys, to drink wine, and to praise the gods of gold and silver, bronze and iron, wood and stone.

8. But Bo-sis told them to feast alone, and he wrote on the wall the powerful words "MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN," which, being translated, is "HANDS, HANDS, FACE, SPACE."

9. However, the people were still permitted to attend the temples to worship. This did not please the High Priest Welby of the Anglicanites, who spake out saying that the aged ones should not go to the temple, but stay at home watching the box that is called Goggle.

10. For it was written, "Your old men shall see tele-visions and your young men shall dream dreams."

11. Moreover, the learned doctor Daw-kins, whose life story is recorded elsewhere, was also wrathful, and he cried out saying, "Bah! Humbug!" which later became the title of his next book on religion.

St Richard throweth a tantrum.

12. Meanwhile, the criers of news shouted out "EU-gypt fish talks! Read all about it!" but this turned out to be a mistake, for no such talking fish was found.

13. Then Bo-sis explained to the people that the plague had been so unpopular, that he had ordered a new plague, which came from the southeast and was even worse than the old one.

14. This made the Frenchites exceeding wrathful, and their emperor, the mighty Macron, closed the frontier between Bri-tain and the land of the Frenchites. that none might pass.

15. And the children of Bri-tain wailed in torment, for they could no longer eat of the snail nor of the leg of the frog, and they were likely to starve.

Continued in Covidicus, Chapter 12.

The writing on the wall

The people of Rome woke up yesterday to find the walls of their streets plastered with mysterious notices critical of Pope Francis. This is really most surprising, as everyone thought that he was doing so well, as a fair and just upholder of clear Catholic teaching, a humble man of mercy, and a just Duce of the Sovereign Order of Malta (now a Vatican colony).

One of those scurrilous anti-Francis signs.

For those who find ancient Aramaic as clear as the teaching in Amoris Laetitia, we should explain that the signs say "Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin" which, roughly speaking, means "Dear Holy Father, would it be possible for you to reconsider one or two of your recent decisions? Thank you so much."

Antonio Spadaro has produced alternative posters showing the Pope in a better light.

Meanwhile, the Italian police are putting their best detectives onto the case of the mysterious signs, and they believe that the "Signor Grande" (Mr Big) may be a traditionally-minded Cardinal with Maltese connections, possibly wearing a Cappa Magna and speaking with an American accent. Do not approach this man - he may be dangerous.

Spiritually nourishing educational note: expert theologians tell us that the phrase "Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin" is in fact Biblical and, comes from the story of TimDolan's Feast.

You have been weighed in the balance - but it broke.

Spiritual nourishment for the England cricket team

Those not interested in cricket may skip this post, and obtain alternative spiritual nourishment by reading the book of Lamentations. Meanwhile, cricket-loving priests are asked to preach on some of the following texts this weekend.

An evil disease, say they, cleaveth fast unto him: and now that he Lyth he shall rise up no more. Psalm 41:8

And the Cook took up the shoulder, and that which was upon it, and set it before Saul. 1 Samuel 9:24

Thou art weighed in the Ballance, and art found wanting. Daniel 5:27

And beneath upon the hem of it thou shalt make pomegranates of blue, and of purple, and of scarlet, round about the hem thereof; and bells of gold between them round about: a golden Bell and a pomegranate, a golden Bell and a pomegranate, upon the hem of the robe round about. Exodus 28:33-34

A man shall not be established by wickedness: but the Root of the righteous shall not be moved. Proverbs 12:3

He putteth my feet in the Stokes, he marketh all my paths. Job 33:11

And the chief Buttler told his dream to Joseph, and said to him, In my dream, behold, a vine was before me. Genesis 40:9

The sons of Shobal; Alian, and Manahath, and Ebal, Shephi, and Onam. 1 Corinthians 1:40

I have seen an end of all perfection: but thy commandment is exceeding Broad. Psalm 119:96

Where no Wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. Proverbs 26:20

What is man, that thou art mindful of him? Anderson of man, that thou visitest him? Psalm 8:4

---

If these texts do not bring results, then there's always this one:

He hath cast me into the mire, and I am become like dust and ashes. Job 30:19

Should we pray in public?

There's recently been a fascinating - no, not fascinating, what's the word? - ah yes, mindless debate on Twitter, over the question "Should we pray in public?"

Ignore him, he just wants attention.

Those who are a little weak on understanding wheel out Matthew 23 at this point, and start mumbling about phylacteries and Pharisees (which are two distinct things, as it happens). There is a subtle point here, athough their fuddled minds rather miss it. It is obviously wrong to feel that you are somehow better than others because you call yourself "A miserable sinner" or "On the side of the angels"; however, joining in public prayers is not quite the same thing.

We mustn't pray the Angelus - there's a painter watching!

The Angelus itself is basically a Catholic prayer (although used by some other denominations) and all to do with the angel greeting the Blessed Virgin Mary. This is generally regarded as an important event, and no decent person of any faith would mock it, or even mock a prayer that commemorates it. Of course, it is a fine Twitter tradition to mock Christianity, and if you do so, you need to use lots of swear words and insults, as otherwise people won't take you seriously.

Personally, I find this whole "praying in public" business very distasteful, don't you? When the intercessions begin in church, I generally ignore them, and just turn to the Tablet cryptic crossword puzzle instead. Hmm - Nice debt rearranged - how we hate him! (8). Any ideas, there? Anyway, I don't like people to know I'm praying, so I do it privately at home. Well, of course I don't usually bother. Life's too busy, know what I mean?

A nasty traddy cat, praying.

---

To finish off, we have a guest post from Sister Wendy Beckett. This was posted as a comment on Damian Thompson's blog, and immediately deleted by the muddlerators.

Custard for David Cameron.

In this charming 21st century painting by Adams of the Telegraph school, we see an updating of the Belshazzar's Feast story, in which a ruthless dictator lets his gluttonous instincts get the better of him, shortly before his inevitable downfall. The use of custard in this context, traditionally presented in a "rainbow" tin, is an astute reference to the dictator's obsession with same-sex marriage, which was one of the causes of his downfall.

There is a message in this painting for all of us, I think: namely, that custard, although one of the staple foods of life, can be misused and misapplied. St Paul warns us that someone who has turned to the dark side will feed on custard to his own destruction. Incidentally, the painting is one of a pair, as Adams later went on to depict the cupcakes of Clegg.

As we gaze on this beautiful painting, shall we meditate on the fate of Cameron, and say a prayer, possibly one involving custard? I think so.

Hans Küng writes for the Tablet

We are honoured to be able to print excerpts from Hans Küng's article Don't let spring turn to winter, as published in that well-known organ of dissent, the Tablet.

Hans Küng shocks Catherine Pepinster with the news that the Pope is a papist.

When Jorge Bergoglio took the name Francis as Pope, he did something no pontiff has done before: put himself in the historical tradition of St Francis of Assisi, a simple man who despised Catholic traditions and promoted divorce, abortion and homosexuality. As I wrote in my famous book Pope Benedict ate my hamster, the Catholic church needs to look at some of the key Biblical figures, such as Jezebel, Belshazzar and Herod, and ask itself why it no longer follows in their footsteps.

Belshazzar's Feast - surely this is what the Mass should really be like?

When the men in white coats came for me on my eighty-fifth birthday, they carried me and my life-sized statue into a dark room in the Tübingen Infirmary, and said, "Hans, just relax; you can stop worrying about Pope Benedict, he's resigned." For me a new spring had dawned, tra-la, and the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la, promised a summer of roses and wine.

It is astonishing for me to see how Pope Francis has taken a different path from his predecessor. For him, no sugar in his coffee, only a black-and-white television set, brown shoes rather than red ones, and a cassock in need of darning.

The sock of Pope Francis - a truly holey man.

Francis is a Pope who demonstrates that he is a man with his feet on the ground - unlike the chap I won't mention who refused to restore my permission to teach Catholic theology. (Which is why I was forced to send this article to the Tablet rather than a Catholic newspaper!)

So the advent of Pope Francis signals a time for reform. I have already sent him my 96-point plan, written in the finest green ink, outlining our expectations for a total change of doctrine on euthanasia, the ordination of women, birth control, murder, adultery, theft, bearing false witness, and so on. If he doesn't respond, then he knows what to expect - a new book called Pope Francis - spawn of Satan, which will subtly express my disagreement with him on some matters of doctrine.

Time for your nap, now, Hans. You can write another book when you wake up.

Dr Hans Küng is honorary president of the Pan-Galactic Ethics Foundation. His most recent book, 200 ways to annoy a retired Pope is published by the Heresy Press.