The Book of Numbskulls 1 - the fall of Bosis

Continued from here.

1. In my earlier writings, O Theophilus, namely the books of Brexodus and Covidicus, I told the story of how Bosis led the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt, and how they were hit by a great plague.

2. Now I must tell the tragical history of the downfall of Bosis and his replacement by his servant Trusshua.

On the way out...

3. For by the seventh month, Bosis had lost favour with the people.

4. First, because of his love of cake. For he had held a great feast, at which there appeared on the wall, written in letters of fire, the words MENE PEPEL ARUN HARPE, which is to say "The people of the Beeby Sea have found thee wanting and wish thee to go."

5. Second, there was a man named Pincher, who was accused of pinching two men.

6. But Bosis refused to believe in his iniquity, defending Pincher by saying, "Doth Raab rob? Doth Mogg mug? Is Eustice useless? Well, perhaps yes in this last case, but I cannot believe that Pincher doth pinch."

7. But the end was in sight, for Sajidiah, the bringer of health, and Rishi the Sunakite, the bringer of wealth (or not), now resigned from their offices, followed by many other ministers.

8. And even the aged patriarch, John of Magdala, who had led the Conservatites thirty years earlier, spake from his tomb, saying "It is time for the 1922 B.C. committee to intervene, they that wear grey suits and dwell in smoke-filled rooms."

The spectre of the late John of Magdala.

9. So Bosis admitted that the game was up and a new leader was needed. Besides, he had led the people out of EUgypt (except perhaps for the Irish of the North), reduced their footprints of carbon, and brought prosperity to all. Or so he said.

10. Then there came forth eight brave heroes, all willing to lead the children of Bri-tain into a glorious future.

11. But soon the candidates disappeared one by one, as in the fabled book of Anima Christi, known as "Ten little Tories", which was known throughout the land of Bri-tain.

12. So that only Trusshua and Rishi the Sunakite remained.

The race for power.

13. Now the people of the Western Minster preferred Rishi, but the Law of Profits told them that they must consult the humble Conservatites who dwelt among the grass roots.

14. And the lot fell upon Trusshua, and what a lot it would be, as I shall relate next.

Continued in Chapter 2.

The Book of Covidicus 18: Free Dom Day

Continued from Chapter 17

1. After the departure of Matthew of Hanoch, Bosis gave his servant Sajidiah the task of healing all the sick in the land of Bri-tain.

2. And Sajidiah continued with Matthew's plan, and announced that there would be a day called Free Dom.

3. For this was to celebrate the freeing of Dominus Vobis Cummings, formerly a trusted adviser to Bo-sis, who had been imprisoned in the castles of Barnard after losing the favour of Bosis.

4. So Dominus was released, and he devoted his life to explaining how all those who had ever worked for Bosis were untrustworthy and dishonest. Except himself.

Dominus buildeth a Bosis golem, but cannot control it.

5. Meanwhile, Bosis had come up with a cunning scheme for stopping the plague from spreading.

6. Everyone was asked to carry around a small box, called Phone, which would go PING! if they had ever been near another person who had the plague.

7. Or, in fact, near a person who had been near a person who had been near a person who had been near a person whose box had gone PING!

8. Such people were outcasts and told that they had the symptoms of the plague, even if they were totally healthy.

Bosis's Phone speaketh to him.

9. And Bosis spake out saying "That way PING! we shall know PING! who is to be PING! locked up until their PING! ping stoppeth. But not me of course."

10. But the people were very angry and cried with one voice "PING! Bosis too must be locked PING! up." And it was so.

Benjamin the Great hath been near to a plague victim.

11. Now, after the Free Dom day, many new rights were given to the people.

12. They need not wear masks on omnibuses, in the markets, nor when eating or consuming drink. Unless they were told to.

13. Finally, Bosis recalled his solemn promise that, although he wanted everyone to take the great vixen that cureth all ills, he would permit those who did not wish it to refuse it.

A priest blesseth his flock.

14. So he decided that all men should receive Vixen Passports, without which they could not buy food or clothing, attend the theatres, or worship in the temples.

15. "Thus I have PING! kept my promise," said he. "Now, how do I PING! silence my Phone?"

Continued in Chapter 19.