The Book of Covidicus 18: Free Dom Day

Continued from Chapter 17

1. After the departure of Matthew of Hanoch, Bosis gave his servant Sajidiah the task of healing all the sick in the land of Bri-tain.

2. And Sajidiah continued with Matthew's plan, and announced that there would be a day called Free Dom.

3. For this was to celebrate the freeing of Dominus Vobis Cummings, formerly a trusted adviser to Bo-sis, who had been imprisoned in the castles of Barnard after losing the favour of Bosis.

4. So Dominus was released, and he devoted his life to explaining how all those who had ever worked for Bosis were untrustworthy and dishonest. Except himself.

Dominus buildeth a Bosis golem, but cannot control it.

5. Meanwhile, Bosis had come up with a cunning scheme for stopping the plague from spreading.

6. Everyone was asked to carry around a small box, called Phone, which would go PING! if they had ever been near another person who had the plague.

7. Or, in fact, near a person who had been near a person who had been near a person who had been near a person whose box had gone PING!

8. Such people were outcasts and told that they had the symptoms of the plague, even if they were totally healthy.

Bosis's Phone speaketh to him.

9. And Bosis spake out saying "That way PING! we shall know PING! who is to be PING! locked up until their PING! ping stoppeth. But not me of course."

10. But the people were very angry and cried with one voice "PING! Bosis too must be locked PING! up." And it was so.

Benjamin the Great hath been near to a plague victim.

11. Now, after the Free Dom day, many new rights were given to the people.

12. They need not wear masks on omnibuses, in the markets, nor when eating or consuming drink. Unless they were told to.

13. Finally, Bosis recalled his solemn promise that, although he wanted everyone to take the great vixen that cureth all ills, he would permit those who did not wish it to refuse it.

A priest blesseth his flock.

14. So he decided that all men should receive Vixen Passports, without which they could not buy food or clothing, attend the theatres, or worship in the temples.

15. "Thus I have PING! kept my promise," said he. "Now, how do I PING! silence my Phone?"

Continued in Chapter 19.

Brexodus 21 - Bosis departeth from EUgypt

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. In the last month of the fourth year, Bosis returned as leader of the children of Bri-tain.

Bosis meeth the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon.

2. So he went back to the House of common people, whence the Squeaker known as Ber-cow had departed, and a new Squeaker, Linus the Holy, ruled in his place.

3. And now by virtue of his superior forces Bosis was able to obtain an agreement from the House of common people.

4. Thus the people of Bri-tain girded up their loins and packed up their tents, ready to leave, as they had done at least twice before.

5. And the Lord decreed that those who wished to remain in EUgypt could no longer force the people to ungird their loins and unpack their tents.

6. For there was a man named Jolyon Mammon, whose parents had named him after a place in which strangers might drink tea.

Mrs Mammon chooseth a name for her baby boy.

7. Jolyon had spent much gold in trying to stop the children of Bri-tain from leaving EUgypt.

8. But on the day of boxing the Lord spake unto him in a dream, saying "Dress in thy wife's garments, grab thy mighty club, and slay the fox that dwelleth in the garden." And Jolyon obeyed.

9. After this, he spent no more time in the courts of law, trying to hinder Bosis.

10. Meanwhile, the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, was being plagued by Farogs and Widdy Spiders from the party of Brexodus.

11. Her uncle, the Pharaoh Juncker, had also seen them, but believed them to be a dream caused by looking too much on the wine when it was red. Although in truth, merely looking was not his real problem.

12. But Ursula of Lebanon knew that the Farog and Widdy Spider were real, and agreed finally to let the people depart.

A plague of Farogs and Widdy Spiders.

13. Thus all was ready for the people to depart on the last day of the month. But those who wished to remain tried once more to stop them.

14. For they cried in a loud voice "The Leavites are Gammons! Racists! Stupid people! We shall die in the wilderness when we can no longer feast on the leg of the frog and the very agreeable kraut that is sour."

15. And Bosis commanded the bells of Benjamin the Big to ring out in triumph on the day of departure. But it was not so, as they were being mended.

16. Nevertheless, at the eleventh hour of the last day of the first month, the children of Bri-tain marched to the banks of the Red Sea.

17. Then Bosis called for his staff (Dominic the Coming) and used it to part the waters of the Red Sea. And the children of Bri-tain crossed the sea on dry ground.

Bosis, horribly aged by the stresses of the last few months.

Continued in the Book of Covidicus.

From the Gospel of St James the Jesuit

For obvious reasons, this book did not make it into the Bible.

1. And it came to pass that Jesus grew to manhood, and sought a new career.

2. For He said, "Carpentry is all well and good, and Man can never have too many garden sheds to hide in; but I have this sneaking feeling that I should go out and speak to the world."

3. "And although I am the Son of God, I must ask the advice of passers-by, that God may learn from them."

4. So Jesus met a Jesuit on the road, and said unto him "Know'st thou what I should teach?"

St James the Jesuit, and friend.

5. And the Jesuit saith unto the Lord, "Thou should'st build bridges towards the sons of Elgibiti, brother of Tinabiti the absurd."

6. "Tell the world that there are no moral Laws any more."

7. "Tell them also, that, since Adam died before Eve, there was a time when the Church consisted of Eve only, wearing a dalmatic."

8. "That does not sound right," said Jesus, and He went his way, until he encountered one Ostensibly Faithful, an ivory-dealer from Crux.

9. "Listen, Man," said Ostensibly Faithful, "beware neurotic converts, beware conservative theologians, and, above all, beware the man that would answer the five questions of Dubia."

10. And Jesus was sore perplexed at all the advice He was receiving, and said "If only God the Father had known His own mind on these matters. But He hath created Man that He might learn wisdom from him."

11. "And it must be said that the wisdom of the Jesuit and the wisdom of the ivory-dealer are wondrous indeed, and would never have been produced by God."

Hello, hello, hello...

12. So Jesus continued His way until He met some officers of the law.

13. "Hello," they said. And again "Hello". And finally, "Hello," a third time. "What is all this then?"

14. "I am come down from Heaven to save the world," said the Lord. "But I know not what I should say. And the ungodly give me foolish advice."

15. And the officers of the law debated amongst themselves, saying "He speaketh wrathfully. Hath he committed a hate crime? Let us arrest him, as it is much less trouble than looking for real offenders."

16. And it was so. Thus Jesus never found out what He should really have been doing, and salvation was left to the Jesuits to arrange.

© Fr James Martin SJ

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And in other news...

BIG BEN FALLS SILENT FOR FOUR YEARS.

Big Ben.

The Catholic Church is still in mourning after four years of silence from the famous Big Ben. "He has not tolled anything since 2013," say the distraught faithful.

It is true that a replacement, a "Funny Frank" cuckoo-clock, has been arranged, but consumer-testing suggests that all it does is shout out insults, such as "Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, you're a rigid neo-Pelagian!"

Manufacturers are already bidding to provide the next replacement, including Cupich Inc. ("Blithering Blase"), Tagleco ("Cheeky Chito"), Vincent Nichols Enterprises ("Vain Vin"), and of course Sarah's of Africa ("Sound Sarah").