Fake News about the Pope

Pope Francis has complained about the large amount of Fake News emanating from the Vatican, most of which portrays him as some sort of tyrannical dictator. For example, there was a report on the highly-regarded website Five Peter One, to the effect that, at the time when Pope Francis sacked (or at least refused to extend the appointment of) Cardinal Müller, he dressed up as an executioner and asked the cardinal five fundamental questions:

1. What is your name? Gerhard Müller.

2. What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail.

3. What is the airspeed of a swallow? African or European?

4. Do you renounce evil? Yes. Er, that's still the right answer, isn't it?

5. Who is Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith? Me?

WRONG!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! (Hideous laughter at which the usual suspects (Spadaro, Parolin, etc.) all joined in.

"DEATH RAY ACTIVATED O MASTER AWAITING INSTRUCTIONS"

Of course this was easily identifiable as Fake News, designed to show the Pope in a bad light. But there has been far too much of this.

* His Most Eminent Highness Fra' Matthew Festing, Prince and Grand Master of the Sovereign Military Hospitaller Order of St. John of Jerusalem, of Rhodes and of Malta, Most Humble Guardian of the Poor of Jesus Christ, was getting a little tired with the responsibilities of his position (especially as he had to order a new cheque book three feet long in order to fit his signature on it). He wanted simply to retire to Northumberland and grow vegetable marrows. However, his resignation was portrayed (Fake News) as a constitutional crisis in the Order of Malta, with Pope Francis acting like a dictator of the worst kind.

"Parasitic Fungi? Yes, I'm suffering from those as well."

* There is no truth in the Fake News that four cardinals wrote to the Pope to ask him "What the Hell he was playing at." They certainly did not ask Pope Francis if there had been any changes in Catholic doctrine - and, after all, if they had wanted to know they would have asked his key Jesuit advisers such as Spadaro or James Martin. No, this "dubia" story is nonsense from beginning to end.

So from now on, we want to see no more Fake News about the Pope. Let's rely on impeccable sources such as Austen Ivereigh ("Pope Francis announces an end to war, famine, disease and death!"), Antonio Spadaro ("Donald Trump is the anti-Christ and traditionalist Americans such as Burke and Chaput are possessed by demons. Trust me, I'm a Jesuit"), or James Martin ("Everyone who disagrees with Satan is a HATER.") Got that?

Cardinal Müller discovers a suspicious package in his car. (Fake News!)

The parable of the wheat and the tares

There was a man who sowed good cardinal seed in his field: among the numerous varieties planted there were Burkeus Cappamagnificus, a traditional American grain, Pellus Boomerangus, a robust Australian variety, and Mueller Fortis, one of the few reliable German plants; but there were other spiritually nourishing varieties too numerous to mention.

But then while men were asleep, an enemy came and sowed tares (cockle, darnel) among the wheat, and went his way.

Warning - contains nuts!

Among the poisonous grains were the German weed, Kasperus Absurdus, guaranteed to induce dizzy spells, Danneelus Pervertophilus, the toxic Belgian variety, not to mention the dreaded Baldisserius Liberraptor, and Marxus Stultusbarbus the hideous German creeper. And alas, there were many others.

So when the blade was sprung up, and had brought forth fruit, then appeared also the tares.

And the servants of the good man came to him and said, "Sir, did you not sow good seeds in the field? Where did the weeds come from?"

And he said to them, "An enemy has done this." And the servants said to him, "Do you want us to gather up the weeds?"

"No," said the man, "I have a better idea. We will allow both to grow until the time of the Synod, and then we will harvest them together."

Synod time!

"At the harvest, we'll gather the tares, and bind them into bundles for burning (the CDF tells me we're still allowed to do this); but the good wheat we'll keep. But just to make it more fun, we'll get the wheat and the tares to spend three weeks voting on which of them is the true harvest, and which the poisonous weeds."

We are not sure what happened next.