Boris throws his hat in the ring

Boris Johnson, currently the Mayor of London, has announced that he intends to stand for the position of Pope in the next conclave: this may take place as soon as 2022 if Pope Francis takes early retirement at 86, as his predecessor did. Boris will then be a sprightly 58, the same age as Pope John-Paul II was when he took office.

Boris takes advice on what popes actually do.

According to the Tablet, the fact that Boris is twice-married and not even a Catholic should not prove an obstacle to his election ("They're bound to change that sort of thing at the next synod"), but it is generally thought that he will need to find a "safe seat", by becoming a cardinal as soon as possible.

Will Cardinal Nichols give up his Westminster seat to Boris?

When Boris was previously interviewed by this blog about his religious opinions, he set forth his manifesto in no uncertain terms:

Our new liturgy, beginning "What ho, God!" is guaranteed to get the Almighty's attention and give Him a friendly nudge towards smiting our enemies. Under my leadership, the Geiger counter of Catholomania will go zoink! off the scale, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dawkins!

Boris practises a papal gesture.

Several recent popes have become saints, and Boris's ambitions are such that he expects to follow in their footsteps. "I've heard good reports of Heaven," he says, "and it sounds like a terrific place to pop off to, after shuffling off the old mortal coil. I'm not so keen on hanging around Purgatory like a buffoon trapped on a zip-wire, so I'm planning to give that one a miss and go straight to the Terminus!"

If you want to be a saint, get on your bike!

Graven images

We had two particularly interesting reactions to the piece on the (British) Ten Commandments: one, from Archdruid Eileen, wondered how many commandments there really were, and what they were exactly (Beaker Folk and Catholics having a different way of cutting up those stone tablets into handy soundbites). Bruvver Bosco made a similar point in the comments to the piece:

Ha ha, you used the catholic ten commandments brother Eccles. Notice how the 2nd commandment has been changed. They got rid of that pesky "do not make or worship or bow befor graven images." My hats off to the catholic church. That takes guts to get rid of commandments they don't like. So come on all you faithful cathols...its Ok to bow befor any and all graven images. Hold on to them tight...that trip to hell can get breezy.

The Calvary Chapel, with its graven image of a dove.

Regular readers of this blog will know that Bosco is a member of the Calumny Chapel, and he kisses a cement dove before he goes to bed each night. Apart from that, he is very tough on graven images - for example he threw out a photo of our Anti Moly just in case anyone in the house was tempted to bow down and worship it.

Not to be worshipped.

Still, as someone on a continuing spiritual journey, I do have a question to ask of the experts. "Graven" seems to mean "engraved" or "sculpted", like Bosco's cement dove. Are paintings and photographs evil? Or only if you worship them? Here's another test case, a 1938 painting of Catholic bloggers Fr Tim Finigan and Mrs Caroline Farrow as children (haven't they worn well?)

Does this break the 1st (or 2nd) commandment?

Our old friend Damian Thompson is known to worship cupcakes: indeed, he has written a book on addiction, and how he attended Cupcakes Anonymous meetings in a vain attempt to break himself of this habit. We did think he was now cured, but last time I went round to see him, I found him kneeling before the graven images below.

A clear breach of the commandments.

Well, the general consensus - Bosco and the Muslims aside - seems to be that making images is not the real problem, so much as worshipping false gods; and that is taken care of by the first commandment.

"He just worships that bicycle..."

Satan "hugely impressed" by Pope Francis

Satan, the Dark Lord, has declared that he is "hugely impressed" by Pope Francis, and hopes to meet him one day.

Satan, as seen in The Bible.

Speaking from his home at the Black House, Satan explained: "I read in The Tablet (a very popular magazine down here, by the way) that Pope Francis had changed Catholic doctrine so that abortion, contraception, homosexuality, euthanasia and stealing priests' bicycles were now all encouraged. Moreover, my colleagues the Archdevil Barack and the Witch of Enda Life tell the same story. What's not to like?"

The Archdevil Barack, as seen in an Egyptian newspaper.

A Vatican spokesman was at pains to correct some of Satan's misapprehensions. "We're not exactly sure what Pope Francis said, or what he meant to say, but I am sure that there's been some misunderstanding somewhere," he said. "If the Pope wishes to turn to the dark side, then as a preliminary step he will probably take up liberation theology, join ACTA, and appoint Hans Küng as his special adviser. At the moment it's definitely business as usual."

Satan admitted that he might have made an error: "Perhaps after all the Tablet has got it wrong. It seems that this Pope is particularly keen on helping the poor and needy. I really can't support people who do that sort of thing. It's more than my job on the Brighton Argus is worth."

Pope Francis refuses to accept a stolen bicycle. So no change there.

The Westminster Iron Tonic

After drinking Westminster Iron Tonic, I became an Olympic cyclist.

Are you a pathetic "Magic Circle" bishop, unwilling to take a stance on any issue at all? Do Telegraph journalists kick sand in your face? Are you fêted by the Tablet as someone who will never do anything to shake the liberal consensus?

TAKE WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC!

A spoonful of this daily, and you'll soon be noticed!

A satisfied customer, VN of London, writes:

I was a puny seven-stone archbishop, upon whom everyone looked down with scorn. They praised my macho friends Philip Egan and Mark Davies, while saying that I lacked backbone. But then my life changed...

The day I beat "mad dog" Williams in the archiepiscopal arm-wrestling championships.

My friend Tony Mennini told me to take a spoonful a day of Westminster Iron Tonic. I did so, and felt the iron rush through my bloodstream - yes, I had ferrous-crazed blood! In next to no time I had:

• Told David Cameron to get lost with his same-sex marriage proposals;
• Fought with a pack of rabid dogs;
• Kicked the gay masses out of Warwick Street, Soho;
• Bitten through an iron bar with my teeth;
• Welcomed the Ordinariate into a new church;
• Said "make my day, punk!" to Catherine Pepinster;
• Become the darling of traditional Catholics;
• Received a friendly telephone call from the Pope, promising me something red for my birthday.

I now train daily at the Olympic stadium.

WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC - YOU'LL BE A CARDINAL IN NO TIME!

Is you a relligiuos maniac?

I is postponnin de rest of de story of my Anti Moly's visit to Sidney, cos I likes to keep poeple in suspense. So todday's blogg is abuot de doctor wot was illegedly sacked by a hopsital, cos he e-maled a prayer to his collaegues. We Chritsians wot is saved doesnt like to be accused of relligiuos mania, so here for de beneffit of Brittish readers is a list of DOs and DONTs, explanin what you is allowed to do nowadays.

DONT say "Bless you" if someone sneezes in de hopsital. Dis is a prayer, and you is gonna be in truoble. If you is a nurse in a hopsital, DO just ignore de patient, as you wuold normally. And if dey has a fit and drops dead, DONT say "Oh my God" as dat is also a prayer, and you will be marked down as a fanattical fundamentallist. DO just go away and have a cup of tea. You may also be able to sue de hopsital for copmensatoin, as you has had de harrowin experience of seein a dead boddy.

Dat's a Pop sneezin. I dont known whevver anyone said "Bless you" to him, or is dat bein cheeky?

If you is a famuous athiest bein interveiwed on de radio, and you cant remember de tittle of Darwin's book about de origin of speeches, den DONT say "Oh God, um..." as dat is braodcastin a prayer, and you will look even sillier dan usaul.

If you is mentoinin Christ, DONT say "Christ de King" or "Christ de Redeemer", but DO say fings like "Christ on a bike" or "Jesus wept!"

I aint never reely understood dat, as de Bibble mentoins ridin on donkeys but not bycicles. My bruvver Bosco explaned to me dat in Matthew 15:21 Jesus "departed into the coasts of Tyre and Saddle," and he reckons dat means He went on a bike.

However, if you is a Musslim, DO say "Allah is de God, buster, and Mohamed is reely grate, has you got a probblem wiv dat?" cos you aint gonna be told off for it. Still, it's probabbly best not to discuss whevver Mahommed ever rode a bycicle, unless you wants a Fattwar against you.

Dat's a different Mahommed, wot flaots like a buterfly and stings like a bee. I fink he used to hit poeple as well.

DONT ever wear a cruciffix (I blogged about dis alreddy) as dat is a cymbal of relligious bigottry, but DO wear a burker, if you is female, as dat is a cymbal of wommen's libberatoin, and tollerance of uvver cultures. It sure is difficult livin in modern Britian.

De reely bad news is dat we in de Calumny Chappel aint supposed to go up to people in de street and say "Is you saved, bruvver?" and den hit dem over de head wiv de Bibble until dey gives in. In de words of my Anti Moly (who is well-known for emptying de washin-up bowl over carol signers), it wuold be "Wofl."