Who would call the pope a heretic?

With apologies to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

"But, Holmes, why should anyone shout 'Pope, you are a heretic!' at Pope Francis?" I asked the great detective.

"A very good question, Watson" replied my friend, strumming a few bars of "Mary, did you know?" on his Becciu fiddle ("it prefers used notes").

"Πάπα, είσαι αιρετικός."

I refer, of course, to the scandalous events of December xxxx, when Pope Francis made a journey to Greece. Initially the Athenians were very disappointed, complaining "The Thessalonians and Corinthians got St Paul, but all we get is Pope Francis." Still, his minders assured the Greeks that soon Francis would be a saint, and probably regarded even more highly than Paul, since he spent so much time correcting him.

"It could, of course, be that old chestnut about Filioque" I suggested. "But surely nobody really gets excited about this nowadays? We're all expecting Francis to rewrite the creed soon, anyway, to include something about Mohammed, Luther, Henry VIII, and the Spirit of Vatican II."

"No, Watson," replied my friend. "But have you thought that the very hairy man could be a Catholic in disguise? Alexander Tschugguel, maybe? Or Father Z? Perhaps Dr Joseph Shaw? Even Cardinal Burke?"

I stared at the photograph of the generously-bearded man, but could not recognise anyone I knew. I also had other doubts.

Pope Francis will write an epistle to the Lesbians, on the advice of Fr James Martin SJ.

"But why would a Catholic want to call the pope a heretic?" I demanded. "Francis leads a very 'orthodox' life, as far as I know. His Amoris Laetitia is admired worldwide as a totally new approach to morality; his collection of Pachamama idols has enriched Catholic worship immeasurably; his changes to the Lord's Prayer have made it much more friendly."

"It is strange, indeed," agreed Holmes. "Indeed his Traditionis Custodes has brought joy to so many people - or at least to the ones who really matter. One might say that he is the most popular pope since the Borgialios, er, Borgias."

"Could the bearded man be Austen Ivereigh?" I suggested. "Trying to get some more material for his nineteenth book about Pope Francis? Since everyone in the Catholic Church - even the bishops - has now decided to ignore everything Francis says, the little scribbler must be running out of exciting material."

Holmes looked at me with amazement. "Watson, my friend!" he exclaimed. "Sometimes you surprise me!"

Not to be continued.

Nobel prizes awarded

Warning: not much spiritual nourishment today.

Sir Jimmy Savile, posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize

It was announced today that the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to the late Sir Jimmy Savile, who "fixed it" for so many people. Said a spokesman, "We had a strong field this year, and we also shortlisted Abu Hamza, the BBC, the EU, and President Chávez. But in the end, Sir Jimmy was the unanimous choice of the committee.

President Ahmadinejad blames the Jews for his omission yet again.

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Gordon Brown, Nobel Prize for Economics

The Nobel Prize for Economics has gone to Gordon Brown, who saved the world (and most of the rest of the solar system) in such a spectacular fashion a few years ago. It was thought by some that the prize should instead be awarded to the Greek nation as a whole, but in the end Brown was the one to receive the honour. When asked how he would spend the money, he replied that he was thinking of throwing it down the drain in order to stimulate neo-endogenous growth, but for the moment what he needed was to lie down in a darkened room.

The people of Greece show how they lost their entire savings on a horse..

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Herman van Rompuy listens to Lady Gaga.

The EU hit the jackpot, however, when the Nobel Prize for Literature was awarded. Said a spokesman for the awarding body: "The EU's annual accounts are the most hilarious work of fiction that we've ever read. The story of how they donated 2000 billion euros to the Hydrophobian flobble-fruit farmers, without even realising that there is no such country as Hydrophobia, or anything called a flobble-fruit, is up there with the work of Swift and Voltaire. And they pretend all along that they are being serious."

Jeffrey Archer was unavailable for comment. Well, to be honest, we didn't ask him.

Louise Mensch, author of "She gave up Corby for love," shared the prize.