Who would call the pope a heretic?

With apologies to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

"But, Holmes, why should anyone shout 'Pope, you are a heretic!' at Pope Francis?" I asked the great detective.

"A very good question, Watson" replied my friend, strumming a few bars of "Mary, did you know?" on his Becciu fiddle ("it prefers used notes").

"Πάπα, είσαι αιρετικός."

I refer, of course, to the scandalous events of December xxxx, when Pope Francis made a journey to Greece. Initially the Athenians were very disappointed, complaining "The Thessalonians and Corinthians got St Paul, but all we get is Pope Francis." Still, his minders assured the Greeks that soon Francis would be a saint, and probably regarded even more highly than Paul, since he spent so much time correcting him.

"It could, of course, be that old chestnut about Filioque" I suggested. "But surely nobody really gets excited about this nowadays? We're all expecting Francis to rewrite the creed soon, anyway, to include something about Mohammed, Luther, Henry VIII, and the Spirit of Vatican II."

"No, Watson," replied my friend. "But have you thought that the very hairy man could be a Catholic in disguise? Alexander Tschugguel, maybe? Or Father Z? Perhaps Dr Joseph Shaw? Even Cardinal Burke?"

I stared at the photograph of the generously-bearded man, but could not recognise anyone I knew. I also had other doubts.

Pope Francis will write an epistle to the Lesbians, on the advice of Fr James Martin SJ.

"But why would a Catholic want to call the pope a heretic?" I demanded. "Francis leads a very 'orthodox' life, as far as I know. His Amoris Laetitia is admired worldwide as a totally new approach to morality; his collection of Pachamama idols has enriched Catholic worship immeasurably; his changes to the Lord's Prayer have made it much more friendly."

"It is strange, indeed," agreed Holmes. "Indeed his Traditionis Custodes has brought joy to so many people - or at least to the ones who really matter. One might say that he is the most popular pope since the Borgialios, er, Borgias."

"Could the bearded man be Austen Ivereigh?" I suggested. "Trying to get some more material for his nineteenth book about Pope Francis? Since everyone in the Catholic Church - even the bishops - has now decided to ignore everything Francis says, the little scribbler must be running out of exciting material."

Holmes looked at me with amazement. "Watson, my friend!" he exclaimed. "Sometimes you surprise me!"

Not to be continued.

Fr James Martin answers your questions

Dear Fr Martin. I understand that you are a Bridge expert?

Jim: Yes, my son!

In his new book Fr Jim argues that the LGBT Church must accept Catholics.

Well, answer me this then. The bidding at a game in my seminary went as follows:

North-South vulnerable, East-West predatory.
2 Hearts
I'd like to make a pass.
Game?
I am if you are.

West has no honour, so how should he bid?

Playing the Jesuit convention: make up the rules as you go along.

Jim: NO TRUMP! NO TRUMP! NO TRUMP! Oh how we hate him!

I have a very simple question, Fr Jim. Is there anything at all that you consider sinful?

Actually, sin is never mentioned in the Bible, so who am I to say that anything is wrong? Still, I do get cross when Fr Thomas Reese steals the last fairy cake, or whenever someone calls me a heretic. Don't they realise that I am now a very important adviser to Pope Francis?

THE GAY BRIDGE DISASTER

Beautiful Bridge so proudly gay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That thousands of souls have been led astray
By that wretched book on building a bridge,
The Catholic way, including, er, um, bondage.

William McGonagall SJ.

Let's forget all this bridge nonsense for a moment, Fr Jim. Could you explain again your theory that Mary Magdalene was the first bishop? It always brings me out in giggles...

The Buenos Aires Directive

To non-Catholics The Buenos Aires Directive is probably just a novel by Robert Ludlum, he who wrote The Parsifal Mosaic, The Aquitaine Progression and The Icarus Agenda; but to Catholics it is a sequel to those popular thrillers, The Bergoglio Flight and The Francis Exhortation.

Robert Ludlum predicts that the papacy will end in tears.

Apparently endorsed by Pope Francis in a private letter, the Buenos Aires Directive contradicts the Catholic Cathechism by allowing divorced and remarried couples to be regarded as validly married. We have seen a variety of reactions to Pope Francis's comments: which one do you agree with?

1. Pope Francis is a Jesuit, and so quite entitled to say what he likes and then claim that he was misinterpreted.

2. Pope Francis is a fine example of liberal Catholicism.

3. Pope Francis is just a silly old man who says too much and thinks too little.

4. Pope Francis is a heretic. Obviously not off the scale like those Catholics who endorse abortion and same-sex marriage, but definitely not as infallible as, say, Burke or Sarah.

The Eccles Heresometer^TM for describing where Catholics lie.

Some people would say that these four descriptions are pretty synonymous, and which you use depends on your point of view. However, that is a little cruel.

Part of the path of "reconciliation", "mercy", "acceptance" or what you will, of remarried couples is that they should live as "brother and sister". Presumably, this means yelling at each other, pulling hair, stealing the last piece of cake, etc. Yes, that should work.

A model for family life.

Whatever else we say, it is clear that the Buenos Aires Directive is problematical, and Pope Francis would have been wiser not to have endorsed it. This time he didn't even have the usual excuse "I was in an aeroplane at the time and didn't know what I was saying". Now, you may argue that it is a valid interpretation of Amoris Laetitia - after all, nobody knows what that infamous footnote means, least of all Pope Francis - which itself is a valid description of what was agreed at the infamous synod - except that it isn't - and so it must be fully in line with Catholic teaching since popes never say silly things. But then we hit the famous words of Bishop Farrell, recently appointed Prefect of the Dicastery for Laity, Family and Life.

O.K. I admit it. I am confused. Can you help, Bishop?

Professor Eccles answers your questions

Q: Dear Professor Eccles, I was in London on Thursday, and will be in Rome on Sunday. When and where should I celebrate Ascension Day?

Professor Eccles makes a cup of coffee.

A: This is a difficult question, and to get a meaningful answer, you have to understand my General Theory of Doctrons. These are fundamental particles which emanate from a big machine in Rome called the Magisterium, and transmit Catholic doctrine round the world. Unfortunately, when they reach England they are often blocked on arrival by a chain of jamming devices on the south coast.

Arundel Cathedral - believed to contain a jamming device called a Cathedra.

Anyway, to answer your question, the moment your aeroplane flew over the Channel it would have been hit by a wave of doctrons, and so the correct answer is that you should celebrate Ascension Day the moment that the "Fasten Seatbelts Sign" has been switched off.

A "flying bishop" demonstrates the latest in pneumatic chasubles.

While I'm here, let me tell you of another exciting scientific discovery: the Hereson, or anti-God particle. This one acts as an anti-Doctron: to detect it, scientists sent Hans Küng whizzing round a "collider" under the Alps at high velocity until he collided with Tina Beattie.

Hans Küng meets Tina Beattie and emits a Hereson.

Well that's enough science for today, so let's finish with a photo showing some of the deadly effects of Hereson radiation.

The deadly effects of Hereson Radiation.

Deelin wiv herretics

My darlin bruvver Bosco is gettin very interestted in histry now, since he discovered dat de Roman Cathlic church used to git cross wiv herretics, dey used to knock on de door in de middle of de nihgt and shout "You aint saved, herretic. De Pope says Ha Ha Ha." Den dey used to stretch em on de rack while toastin em over de fire, hence de expresion "toast rack".

Nowadays dey just welcoms dem in and says "I dont spose you is interrested in bein saved, if it aint too presumptouos of me to mentoin it? Have a cup of tea while you is finkin it over." Dis aint a patch on what we does in de Calvados Chappel - we gits reely fierce wiv de unsaved and Bosco bites em in de leg. Dis aint oficcial pollicy, he just enjoys it, and its a useful suorce of protene for him.

Meanwhile we is gonna go and see our belovved Mom soon, to tell her how we is gittin on wiv de path to Salivation. We calls her Mummy sometimes, and here is a photo of her wavin to Bosco from her prisson cell, dey've let her out now.