Ordain a Lady!

Dr Who scarf Stole and purple chasuble: that'll annoy the traddies!

We asked some distinguished commentators to give us their views on the hilarious video Ordain a Lady! produced by the Women's Ordination Conference.

For those who missed it, it contains the strongest arguments for the ordination of women, that we've heard so far, including the self-effacing:

Don't listen to St Paul,
'Cuz I can lead the way.

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Father Zorro, priest and hero.

The picture of the women dancing contains so many liturgical abuses that I won't bother to list them, but I should point out that the lady at the front is improperly dressed for Mass (apart from omitting the biretta and wearing a stole above her chasuble) since she is clearly not carrying any concealed weapons. Where did she put her swordstick, her automatic pistol, and her hand grenades?

At this time many priests in good standing (i.e., not liberal ones) will now be ordering fresh supplies of land mines, tanks and atomic bazookas for use in the rite according to the Extraordinary Form. Could you please order them from Amazon via my website? Thanks.

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Pope Mommy I.

My ministry is growing.
Excommunication? I'm still glowing.
M.Div, chasuble flowing,
Where you think the Church is going?

Damian Thompson, blood-crazed ferret.

We should respect the lady above because she has a real M.Div. rather than a silly doctorate like Éoin Clarke (Doctor of Irish Jokes) or Richard Chartres (who doesn't really have a doctorate at all). However, the inside sources to which I have exclusive access suggest that Archbishop Vincent Nichols is unlikely to ordain her in the near future.

Possibly the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has had a hand in this. Look how the fortnightly Soho "Gay Masses" are to be driven underground and replaced by weekly Mayfair Gay Masses. If Vincent Nichols cracks down much further expect them to be driven underground completely, surviving only as daily Gay Masses at the Oratory.

Do let me know what you think. Unless you are on my little list of enemies, when my moderators will delete your comments in double-quick time!

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Paul Priest, On the side of the angels.

Look, we all know what Chesterton, Newman, Dostoyevsky, Pope Pius XI and Mae West had to say about the hermeneutics underlying this video. However, there's no need for me to quote their words, as nobody else round here would understand them except me. It's important not to place two antagonistic hypotheticals together into one paradigm. Remember that if it were not for Damian Thompson, the Catholic church would have collapsed, for it was Damian who single-handedly prevented Cormac Murphy-O'Connor from ordaining his own aunt.

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Through my most grievous fault...

My call is a fact, but some Pope in a hat,
Closed discussion on that, and now he's in my way.

Deacon Moanin, the most miserable man on the Internet (in biretta).

I wear a hat, and I am in the same job as the Pope, so I know you're getting at me again, Eccles, just because I am an orthodox Catholic, and not a tradinista like you.

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Giles Fraser, comedy vicar.

I am quite prepared to go to prison on the issue of women priests. Or anything else. It will do wonders for my credibility with Guardian-readers. Please send me to prison. All I ask is a humble cell with internet access and a BBC broadcast team. In my next Guardian column I ask: Is it OK for women to pretend they are men in order to become bishops?

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And finally...

A young Catherine Pepinster (R) explains St Thérèse of Lisieux's hatred for the Pope.

The Westminster Iron Tonic

After drinking Westminster Iron Tonic, I became an Olympic cyclist.

Are you a pathetic "Magic Circle" bishop, unwilling to take a stance on any issue at all? Do Telegraph journalists kick sand in your face? Are you fêted by the Tablet as someone who will never do anything to shake the liberal consensus?

TAKE WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC!

A spoonful of this daily, and you'll soon be noticed!

A satisfied customer, VN of London, writes:

I was a puny seven-stone archbishop, upon whom everyone looked down with scorn. They praised my macho friends Philip Egan and Mark Davies, while saying that I lacked backbone. But then my life changed...

The day I beat "mad dog" Williams in the archiepiscopal arm-wrestling championships.

My friend Tony Mennini told me to take a spoonful a day of Westminster Iron Tonic. I did so, and felt the iron rush through my bloodstream - yes, I had ferrous-crazed blood! In next to no time I had:

• Told David Cameron to get lost with his same-sex marriage proposals;
• Fought with a pack of rabid dogs;
• Kicked the gay masses out of Warwick Street, Soho;
• Bitten through an iron bar with my teeth;
• Welcomed the Ordinariate into a new church;
• Said "make my day, punk!" to Catherine Pepinster;
• Become the darling of traditional Catholics;
• Received a friendly telephone call from the Pope, promising me something red for my birthday.

I now train daily at the Olympic stadium.

WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC - YOU'LL BE A CARDINAL IN NO TIME!

New Cardinals appointed

The Vatican announced yesterday the appointment of six new cardinals. All parts of the Catholic world are represented, with the notable exception of Europe: it was explained that the Holy Father didn't see why he should be expected to honour any Soho-Mass supporting pinko liberals until they learnt to toe the line.

A pinko liberal in typically flamboyant costume.

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Those six new cardinals in full:

Cardinal Nanook of the North.

Coming from a very small archdiocese to the North of Canada, Cardinal Nanook is the only Archbishop whose Cathedral is made entirely of snow. In a statement released today he said, "This red hat comes at a very opportune time, as my head is rather cold at present."

The Cathedral of Christ the Somewhat Frozen.

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Cardinal Robinson Crusoe.

Cardinal Crusoe, Archbishop of the Cannibal Islands, is also delighted to receive his red hat. "Now my parishioners are really starting to take religion seriously," he said. "They're already saying grace!"

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Cardinal Fu Manchu.

The Catholic church is making great inroads in the mysterious East, and this is recognised in the appointment of Cardinal Fu Manchu. Although he has a fondness for world domination and a reputation for ruthlessness, it is thought that he has been brought in to counter the threat of the mysterious oriental villain Ans Kung.

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Cardinal Kor relaxes in his Cathedra.

One of three extra-terrestrial cardinals to be appointed, Cardinal Kor is the first Klingon to be honoured in this way. When we asked him for a comment, he replied: Daq the tagh ghaHta' the mu', je the mu' ghaHta' tlhej joH'a', je the mu' ghaHta' joH'a'.

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Cardinal Cyberman gives a blessing.

Cardinal Cyberman comes from the traditional wing of the Catholic church. However, his aversion to gold means that he will probably not be a serious contender in the next papal conclave.

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Cardinal Jabba of Tatooine (with altar-server).

Cardinal Jabba is Archbishop of Tatooine. He is very fond of cinnabons and was formerly Bishop of Leeds.

A Lattin Mass

Anti Moly and me we is still stayin wiv Damain Thopmson, who is a really luvvly man. But on Satturday mornin I woke up in my bed in Castle Thopmson to find a pink horse's head in it, which I is fiarly sure wasn't dere de night before.

I summoned Will Heaven de butler, who shimmered in wiv a tray contianing a glass of milk for me and a hair-restorrer and gin cocktail for Anti Moly, what sleeps in de next room. "I sees dat Sir has been contacted by de Gay Maffia," explaned Mr Heaven. "Dey is very poppular in de Cathlic churhc nowaddays, especailly in de Plymouth diocese. No duobt dey is invitin you to go to de Church of de Assumption and St Gregory in Soho for a gay Mass. Dis may be an offer you can't refuse. Play your cards rihgt and Vincent Nichols will give you de kiss of peace."

Damain, howevver, had uvver plans, and on Sunday we trailed into de London Horrortree. I had planned to wear a togga, as dey say dat when in Rome you gotta do what de Romans do, but Damain said it wasnt usaully done. He hisself wasnt wearing a togga, just his superman costume. In de week he is mild-mannered Damain Thopmson, but at weekends he is like a blood-crazed ferret.

Anti Moly disgraced herself almost immediately. "Why has dat woeful priest got his back to us?" she screeched. "Aint dat typical traddy Cathlic rudeness?" Damain explaned in hushed tones dat traddy preists doesnt like to look at de congreggatoin, especailly when Anti Moly is among dem, as it makes dem feel ill.

De preist was wearing a beretta, which he took off to make annuoncements, e.g. "Will you keep dat old bat quiet please, Dr Thopmson?"

After a while, I got fed up, cos I didn't understand wot was goin on, so when de preist puased for breath, I stood up and sang "I am de Lord of de Dance, said He," which is a famuous hynm about Jessus dancin wot we sings in de Calumny Chappel. Anti Moly had been drinkin Damain's hair-restorrer since 8 a.m. and she jioned in de Dance wiv me.

But apparently in de Lattin litturgy, dis is not what dey does, so I got one or two funny looks from de traddies. Sometimes deys sings de Gregorrian chant, "Ego Dominus saltationis sum, dixit," but dat's all.

After de Mass we went back to Castle Thopmson, where Muvver Odone, de cook, was doin us raviolli for lunch. She alternates between passta and piza, she aint got much imaginatoin. After all dat dancin, Anti Moly said she was so hungry she could eat a horse, and so I left her chewin her way frew de pink one I was givven.