How to be the Supreme Governor of a Church

Every so often someone comes up to me and says, "Eccles, my mother has just died, and apparently I am now Supreme Governor of the Church of England. Can you give me any advice?"

I am used to giving advice to major religious leaders - for example, see some of the "How to be a Good Pope" articles linked here, which have made Pope Francis the man he is today. So of course I am happy to oblige.

Well, the Church of England was founded by King Henry VIII, basically because he wasn't too pleased by the Catholic Church's "Till death us do part" attitude to marriage. Henry loved marriage, but only four of his six marriages were ended by death (two beheadings and two natural deaths, in fact, the last one being his own). Now, if you wish to be SG of the C of E you need to model yourself on this saintly character, perhaps by taking as your own wife the lady Camomile, whose husband is still alive.

Now, why are the royal couple defending the faith by packing dates? Read on...

O.K., that's sorted. Now, you may want to make sure that you believe all the official C of E teaching, and share it with your subjects. Luckily there isn't much: nobody (least of all the bishops) can agree on same-sex marriage, women priests, divorce, the existence of God, etc. etc. So we can skip that step.

Your current Prime Minister, although himself an atheist, is VERY FOND of Islam. He'd better be, or else all the Muslims in the country will vote for someone else: probably Liberal Democrats but maybe some sort of Allahu Akbar Party which may cut into your hopes of staying in office. So how can you reflect this in your own activities?

A message from the Defender of the Faith.

Simple: Ramadan is approaching, a time of repentance and sacrifice in which we remember Mohammed's temptations in the wilderness. Devout Muslims fast all day (not even an Allahu Snackbar is allowed) and then they fill up on yummy dates and sheeps' eyes with a big blow-out after dark. So, just like Lent for Christians, wouldn't you say?

So forget Lent, just celebrate Ramadan. Attend an Iftar (Arab word for "binge") and keep telling everyone how wonderful Islam is. We'll be coming soon to Eid (as in "Beware the Eids of March"), which is the Islamic version of Holy Week when we remember the prophet's death upon the cross crescent. And then the Resurrection - oh, he didn't manage that one, did he? Well, never mind.

Phew! There was time for more Christian activity, after all.

Your Majesty, you can thank me by making me Sir Eccles, Knight of the Garter.

How Catholics should celebrate Ramadan

As we all know, "Ramadan" is just the Arabic word for "Lent", and it should be celebrated in that spirit, as several great Catholic leaders of our time have pointed out. First came Cardinal Dolan.

Ramadan is a holy season and Muslims set us a good example.

Sounds uncontroversial, doesn't it? We simply need to celebrate as the Muslims do. After all "Allahu Akbar" sounds very like "Alleluia" so we can sing either of these. Or, better still, shout them at people we meet in the street.

Personally, I try not to eat during the daytime but have a big blow-out after dusk. A huge plate of hot crescent buns, for example.

Cardinal! Don't you realise it's Ramadan?

Then we come to Cardinal Cupich, who would not be seen dead participating in a traditional Latin Mass, but is as happy celebrating Ramadan as he is in one of Fr James Martin's LGBTSJ-friendly happenings.

Let's all attend Novus Ordo Iftars!

Finally, let's see what the relevant dicastery (the word means "circus" these days) has to say. Unfortunately, their ecumenical efforts only merit 5/10, as they refer to "Muslims" as "Museums", probably having Christianity's Sea of Gallery in mind.

Still, they have already received a letter of thanks from Tristram Hunt, Director of the Victoria and Albert museum.

Dialogue is always a good replacement for worship.

So where does this feast of inter-religious dialogue leave us? I can see only one way of dealing with this: ENCOURAGE THE MUSLIMS TO BE SYNODAL. All they need to do is to get a bunch of self-styled experts to sit in a large room and bore each other to death.

Meanwhile, our own Synod (theme: "a kenotic decentering as a new way of being Church") is now destined to drag on until 2025, or even later.

Deo Gratias!

The Lenten temptations of Eccles

1. So, the season of Lent having arrived, Eccles went into the wilderness to pray.

2. And the Devil came unto him in his hermitage, and said "Eccles, why dost thou not go for a walk, and sit on the ground, eating the food known as pic-nic?"

3. For it was the time of plague, and the Devil had said these words to tempt him.

4. And Eccles replied, "Man cannot live by picnics alone. Besides there is a fine of ten thousand gold pieces for anyone who picnicketh at these times. For picnics kill people."

The first temptation.

5. Then the Devil tempted him again, saying, "Even hermits must enter into the markets to buy food. Why not go into the land known as Tesco without wearing a mask?"

6. And Eccles replied, "Is it not written in the scriptures, cover thy face lest thou be cast into the deepest dungeon?"

Fighting against the second temptation.

7. Then the Devil tempted him one final time, saying, "Lo! There is another hermit who dwelleth in this part of the wilderness. Why not go and have a cup of tea with her?"

8. But Eccles replied, "Get thee behind me, Satan, and remain at a distance of four cubits from me. For it is written, 'Hands, Face, Space.' Now, excuse me for I have to protect the National Health Service by clapping."

A gang of sinners.

9. So the Devil went away and tempted him no more, at least not until the next set of silly regulations came forth from the mouth of Caesar Boris.

What are you giving up for Lent?

As seen in the Catholic Herald.

We asked some friends of this blog to tell us what they were giving up for Lent this year.

Prof. Massimo Faggioli.

When you live entirely on ice-cream, as I do, there is no food that you can reasonably give up. Likewise, my every waking moment is spent in explaining theology to less intelligent mortals by means of insights so profound that even I don't understand them; so it would be dangerous to make any changes, since civilisation would collapse without my brilliant epigrams.

Pope Francis.

Being the humblest pope who ever lived, I have no luxuries in life that I can give up. Likewise, I have no vices worth speaking of, Eccles. How dare you ask such an impertinent question! SLAP!

Cardinal Dolan.

It is important to show self-discipline during Lent, and so I am giving up health food - salads, spinach, fruit, etc. - and sticking to a diet of giant steaks, suet, and sticky toffee pudding. It will be hard for me, but I know that this penitential regime will do me good.

Prof. Tina Beattie.

What a sexist question! By asking me that, you're implying that women are inferior to men, aren't you? Just you wait until I get ordained and you want ashes on your forehead... they'll be so hot that you'll end up with scar tissue, you pig!

Fr James Martin SJ.

I shall give up reading the Bible in Lent - I disagree with most of it, anyway. Still, I shall miss the absorbing tale of how it took a humble carpenter's son 30 years before He was able to do miracles successfully, and even then everyone misunderstood His teachings until I came along.

Dr Austen Ivereigh.

People have asked me to give up my worship of Pachamama, my idolatory of Pope Francis, and my "brain-rotting" writing. But I thank God that I am unlike other men, and have no vices worth speaking of.

Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI.

I am giving up tea for Lent, and indeed I am handing over my stock of Yorkshire tea to this new chap. I much prefer beer, anyway.

Prof. Richard Dawkins.

Well of course we have all outgrown the idea of Lent, as something that only religious extremists celebrate. So when I mention that, following an outcry, I have decided not to eat any human flesh from now on, this is not to be interpreted as a foolish religious fetish, but merely the wise decision of a venerable professor who is fed up with having bricks thrown through his window.

Fr Antonio Spadaro.

If 2+2 can equal 5, then the 40 days of Lent can equal 32. Thus, for the first week it isn't Lent at all, so why bother?

Celebrate Lent the Jesuit way!

As compiled by some of our favourite Jesuits, including Superior General Arturo Sosa, Fr James Martin, and of course Pope Francis.

Soon to be plagiarised as "Celebrate Lent the Basilian way" by Fr Thomas Rosica.

1. Give up sin.

This novel idea seems to originate from the Canadian bishops.

Giving up sin is probably not something that occurred to you before, but it's very easy: most things that we used to think of as "sin" turn out to be simply "alternative lifestyles". Still, there may be some bad habits that you really ought to drop, at least for the 40 days of Lent - speaking Latin, pushing old ladies under buses, hard drugs such as coccopalmerio, etc.

Every time you are tempted to sin, write the sin down on a piece of paper, and save it for later. That way you can have a really Happy Easter when you let it all go!

2. Build bridges.

Are you doing enough for the LGBTQSJ community in Lent? It is not necessary for you to "come out" in Lent, and certainly God is not (yet) asking you to "change gender", but you should certainly try and build bridges with your LGBTQSJ neighbours. Why not ask your parish priest if he is thinking of changing sex? This is guaranteed to put you in a good light, as a loving caring person. Tell him that whatever lifestyle he chooses to adopt, you are not going to judge him, and you think he is doing a fine job.

3. Take up Ignatian Yoga.

Fr Martin's classes start soon. Bring your rainbow leotard!

This discipline is good for your bodily health, as well as your spiritual development. Originating with the Buddhists, Hindus, and Jains, it has not been seen as a part of Catholic teaching until now. However, it is now generally recognised that sitting around cross-legged and intoning the sacred words So Sa, Mah Teen, Reese, Bah Go Lee Oh and "letting it all hang out" is the best way to get on the path of enlightenment.

There will soon be a new book out, "How to twist things," in which Fr Martin will explain how a flexible approach is always the best.

4. Spiritual reading.

Lent is a good time for avoiding the Bible, because, as General Sosa says, "It ain't necessarily so," since there were no tape-recorders available when it was written. Instead, go for the works of deep thinkers such as Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tony Flannery, etc., or sit on a bus reading out passages from the the Tablet to your ecstatic neighbours.

As recommended by Pope Francis. Try screaming on the bus to show your support!

5. Respect the environment.

This really follows from (4), as your spiritual reading should include Laudato Si'. Think of new ways of saving the planet! Old polythene bags can be sewn together to make wonderful vestments for your priest - don't worry if his chasuble bears the mysterious word "Tesco", for it is all part of celebrating God's creation. Plastic straws can be stuck in your hair, and these will add a little colour to your liturgical dancing.

6. Stop gossiping.

Pope Francis SJ has asked us to include this discipline in our list. Gossiping includes trying to find out what is going on in the Vatican, asking Dubia of the Pope, issuing filial corrections, and indeed any embarrassing Church news. In the words of Jesus, when He went into the wilderness: "Give us a break, guys!"

Remember that the Vatican is getting tough on abuse these days. We had a wonderful summit on the subject, in which we agreed that everything is more-or-less fine really, and we can't see what all the fuss is about. So woe on ye if ye say otherwise!

Have a fun Lent!

Giving up the Pope for Lent

1. There was a young man called Eccles, who was known for his rigid humility and mercy: so much so that everyone said that he must be saved.

2. This Eccles wrote a lovely blog, which provided spiritual nourishment to all who read it.

N.B. The above verses do not appear in all versions of the Bible.

3. Now, the time of Lent was fast approaching, in which men were encouraged to give up wordly things, and to engage in spiritual deeds.

Into the wilderness for Lent.

4. "But what can I give up?" asked Eccles. "Shall it be chocolate? Or the strong drink that rageth? Or shall I stop sitting in my shed of an evening poking fun at Fr James Martin SJ?"

5. And there came a wise woman to Eccles who said to him, "Why not give up the Pope for Lent?"

6. This would indeed be a great sacrifice. For leading a life that ignored all the deeds of Pope Francis would cause all sorts of deprivation.

No longer shall we read of the Pope's attending Anglican services and genuflecting to Henry VIII.

7. "Where shall I be without a regular 'INSULT FOR THE DAY' arriving in my mailbox?" wondered Eccles.

8. "Can I possibly survive without knowing which Catholic doctrines have been made ambiguous, or without hearing the latest off-the-cuff pronouncements when the Holy Father rideth in his chariot of the air, that which is known as Pope Force 1?"

9. "Will it not grieve me to know not the latest indignities that have been heaped upon Cardinal Burke, who is fast becoming a rival to Job as a man of suffering?"

10. "It is true that I shall not miss the answers to the five dubia, for Pope Francis hath constructed a giant thinking machine called Deep Thought which will not report on this matter for another seven and a half million years."

The priests await Deep Thought's answers to the dubia.

11. "In my Eccsit from papal news, I shall also be obliged to spend forty days and forty nights without hearing aught of Fr Antonio Spadaro, of Austen Ivereigh, of Cardinals Kasper, Marx, Cupich, Coccopalmiero and the rest. Will I be able to bear it?"

12. "It is true that I cannot totally forget Pope Francis - for he hath asked us all to pray for the people that hate us. Thus everyone who attendeth Mass is encouraged to pray for the Pope - for nobody's hatred for us is like unto his!"

13 "Still, he is not commonly mentioned elsewhere in the Mass, except perchance in the homilies of Fr Arthur, in which there is a great scowling and rolling of eyes whenever the catchphrase Amoris Laetitia is uttered."

14. Thus Eccles weighed up the matter in his heart, and decided that passing Lent in a Pope-free manner would be good for his soul and his blood pressure.

15. He would also have more time for spiritually nourishing reading, such as the words of Michael Coren, he who later decided to eat them.

Still, there are other possibilities.

16. And so it came to pass that the Pope cried in the wilderness and Eccles heard him not.

Lenten Reflections on Modernism

This blog will soon be closing for Lent, as I retire into the contemplative life of a hermit. I shall move to a shed on the Costa Blanca, where my only companions will be my four faithful hippopotamuses: Dolan, Pickles, Batmanghelidjh, and Auntie Moly. As a modern St Francis - or maybe St Augustine of Hippo - I shall exchange spiritually nourishing ideas with these highly intelligent creatures, but, except possibly on some Sundays, there will be nothing new to read on this blog.

Auntie Moly has a spiritually nourishing idea.

So, to give you material for reflection during Lent, here are some thoughts on modernism in a religious context.

Pre-Vatican II. A spiritual experience. Note the clouds of incense.

Post-Vatican II. Worshippers don't even know where they're going.

The revolution in Catholicism can be traced to three events, which collectively are known as "Vatican II". First, there was the Beeching report, saying that churches should be modernized, some being closed down and the others becoming soul-less. The results can be seen above - in the "modernist" service we don't even know which way the priest's going to be facing. "Extraordinary form" services still exist, but the Spirit of Vatican II is against them, and they are often only available to the lucky few in churches run by enthusiasts.

Traddy worship. Note how Fr Boycott's vestments are liturgically appropriate.

Bad vestments with the priest's name on the back!

Second, there was the move to bad vestments, and the rush to complete all one's worship in one day. Before Vatican II, a Mass could easily last five days, with intervals for lunch and tea. Experienced worshippers would use terms such as "night-watchman" (usually a disparaging reference to a deacon who came in for the night-time vigil), and "state of the pitch" (a reference to the quality of the unaccompanied Gregorian chant). These concepts have now largely disappeared.

An asperges from Pope Pertwee.

A guitar Mass with Pope Capaldi.

Finally, there was the Medicus Quis. In the olden days, Pope St Pertwee's main recipe for salvation was to "reverse the polarity of the neutron flow," which in theological terms means "turn back, O Man, forswear thy foolish ways." He often found salvation via the ventilation shaft (whence came the "rushing wind" of the Holy Spirit), and his services never employed guitars; only rarely did he use gimmicks such as the sonic screwdriver.

Pope Capaldi, on the other hand, relies almost exclusively on the sonic screwdriver. A demon appears? Zap it. A penitent needs a blessing? Zap him (oops. you weren't supposed to use the same setting, Father). Alleluia, zap-zap!

I hope these little thoughts will help you to stay saved during Lent. At least the hippopotamuses appreciated them.

Through the Christian year with David Cameron

Happy Easter, everyone! David Cameron has given us his seasonal message, and as reported by Madeleine Teahan in the Catholic Herald, it clears up a serious misapprehension under which Christians have suffered for many years.

It's the principle around which the Easter celebration is built. Easter is all about remembering the importance of change, responsibility, and doing the right thing for the good of our children. And today, that message matters more than ever.

In fact, this doctrine is just an excerpt from Dave's new spiritually nourishing book Through the Christian year with David Cameron, and we are privileged to be able to print further excerpts on this blog. So here goes.

David Cameron explains basic theology to Pope Benedict XVI.

"The church year starts with Advent, where we look forward to the coming of a new leader. In the Old Testament there was an emphasis on traditional Thatcher-Majorite Conservatism. Then comes the Apocrypha, filled with weird stories about shadowy figures such as Hague, Duncan-Smith and Howard. Finally, the New Testament tells of the coming of a Saviour to redeem the world, and bring a whole new set of teaching. And this Messiah is called Dave.

At Christmas we are asked to reflect on the importance of a well-managed economy, and the regulation of public expenditure. Caesar Augustus called all the world to be taxed, but he could equally well have cut public expenditure and reduced government borrowing. We never hear of Joseph actually paying his taxes, and indeed he is said to have fled into tax-exile in Egypt.

The flight into tax exile.

At Epiphany, we read the story of three great kings, named Cameron, Miliband and Clegg. King Cameron brings gold, which symbolises prosperity and job-creation. Anti-king Miliband brings frankincense, but that isn't enough to take away the clinging smell of bacon sandwiches. Deputy king Clegg brings myrrh, symbolising death, in particular the death of his political ambitions.

Controls on immigration! A gift from Anti-king Miliband.

So we come to Lent, a time of austerity. The message here is that only the Devil tries to stop us from making sacrifices - well, not me, obviously, but most of you - as we wait for the economy to recover.

At Easter, we celebrate chocolate eggs, Easter bunnies, daffodils, Bank Holiday traffic jams, and a well-deserved two days off work (or, for MPs, a month). We have no plans in our manifesto to scrap Easter, although if the gay lobby tells us it's necessary, then we reserve the right to change our minds on that one!

In May we have a festival called Ascension. This is when millions of faithful worshippers go into a polling-booth and put an X against the name of the Conservative candidate. After this, I go up to 10, Downing Street.

Seven party leaders organize a drinking contest.

Whitsun (or Pentecost) is traditionally a time for marriage, and surely the main Christian message here is that marriage is a wonderful thing, and should not be restricted to one man and one woman. "Be fruitful and multiply," said God, and if you can't manage this because you are a same-sex couple, then the Lord provides test-tubes and clinics whereby you may still pretend to be the parents of a child.

After that the country (or at least Parliament) has a long holiday between May and November. We call it "Ordinary Time" and regard it as a time to go on holiday and visit fish-markets. In this we simply emulate the Apostles, who were also fishermen. Of course, we will occasionally read in our papers about massacres of Christians and others, by Muslims, but that's none of our business, and it should not take us away from all those lovely fish!"

Scottish sturgeon? No thanks!

The Timothy Radcliffe road show (with added Inwood)

Are you planning a Catholic event? Are you worried that it may be too Catholic? These days we've got to be more inclusive, and we need to include Catholics of all shades of opinion: Protestant, atheist, Muslim, ... We don't want to give the impression that being a Catholic is anything to do with what you believe in, as if Catholics somehow rejected liberal secular values! Luckily we've got just the speaker for you - Fr Timothy Radcliffe!

Timothy Radcliffe (R) with John Allen Jr, a poor homeless man.

Fr Radclife, once ludicrously tipped to succeed Basil Hume as Archbishop of Westminster, is known as a dissident from Catholic teaching on sexual ethics. Actually, I'm not sure what else he's known for, as dissidence seems to keep him very busy. A president at one of the infamous Soho Masses, a man who recommended the film Brokeback Mountain, a man who rejects the Church's teaching on homosexual relations - yes, he's just the man to make your Catholic event more liberal. And here are some examples!

Flame 2 - a "yoof" listens raptly to Fr Radcliffe,

Consider Flame 2, then. An event for the "yoof" of today, or middle-aged men pretending to be "yoof-ful". With special yoof-ful guest, Cardinal "I don't think the midterm report was a mistake" Tagle, a hero of the Extraordinary Synod, and just the cardinal to invite if you think Burke is being too, er, serious about his faith. Radcliffe was there, too, as a man who knows how to inspire the yoof!

A yoof-ful Radcliffe.

Now pop over to Vaughan House, near Westminster Cathedral, and listen to Fr Timothy give a Lenten talk on Tolerant and Free despite being Catholic? Subtext - don't let Catholicism get in the way of your liberalism. Are there no limits to this man's ubiquity? Incidentally, Cardinal Nichols, don't think we didn't notice that all four speakers are male Catholic priests - no women priests, not even a Tina Beattie. You sexist trad!

I went to Vaughan House, and all I got was this lousy mug.

The Radcliffe roadshow continues, and unless you've bought one of those tee-shirts listing all his gigs you may not be able keep up with the man. However, the best is still to come. Over at Arundel and Brighton they're celebrating the 50th anniversary of the diocese, as we have mentioned before.

Many of us were hoping that Timothy Radcliffe would be the next bishop of A&B - after Cormac and Kieran he would have kept the comedy tradition alive - but it was not to be. Mgr Richard "Tiger" Moth, Bishop of the Forces, will be the next occupant of "Conry Towers" in Pease Pottage. That leaves a vacancy of course, and if they were to change the name to "Bishop of the Farces", then I would be happy to write a testimonial for Radcliffe.

"Tiger" Moth prepares to land at Pease Pottage.

But we digress. One of the stars of the Arundel and Brighton mega-party is a certain Fr Radcliffe. The best is yet to come, though, and this is a reason why you definitely mustn't miss the fun.

Help is at hand for those who've had too much Radcliffe.

As reported by Men Are Like Wine, Paul Inwood has written a Jubilee Mass for the Arundel and Brighton event. Apparently Lady Gaga was unavailable. As a Lenten penance I decided to listen to the first few tracks. Going into the wilderness of the Inwood, that's the sort of thing I do so that you don't have to.

Track 1: Gathering Song. What do you mean, you didn't know the Mass included a gathering song? To be fair to Uncle Paul, it's not too bad, if you like "socially relevant" songs that only mention God as an afterthought. Still, the tune is a little banal, and the use of irreverent-sounding chords sounds as if Uncle Paul wasn't paying attention in his basic harmony classes.

Track 2: Gathering Chant. Here I started biting the carpet. "Prepare the way of the Lord, Moo-oo-oo, Moo-oo-oo"??? Well, that's what it sounds like. Listen to it yourself, if you don't believe it. These wordless noises don't really work. Same tune as in 1, with extra moo-sic.

Shouldn't that be "PARATE VIAM DOMINI MOO-OO-OO"?

Track 3: Kyrie. Not too bad, really, although it doesn't sound spiritually nourishing, or even particularly original. He even uses the traddy Greek words. Could we have misjudged Uncle Paul? No, of course not.

Well, I think I've suffered enough Inwood, so I'll stop there.

Into the wilderness for Lent

So Eccles prepared to go into the wilderness for Lent. On the day before Ash Wednesday the world had celebrated a big festival: formerly called Shrove Tuesday, it was now universally known as Pancake Day, being a day when all mankind - except for the starving millions - was obliged to gorge itself on pancakes. Apparently, this was in honour of the blessed St Pancake, a Roman martyr who achieved immortality by having a railway station named after him.

The face of St Pancake appears in a plate.

Enough of this foolery. Lent arrived, and Eccles retreated into the wilderness. The first wilderness he tried was the desert of Telegraph blogs. Here there had clearly once been a great civilization: people spoke in hushed tones of the legendary Damian Thompson, James Delingpole, Tom Chivers, Daniel Hannan, and the millions who hung on their every word.

But when Eccles arrived, he saw a deserted wasteland. In one corner, Judith Potts was gallantly carrying on her popular series of "cancer" posts: "Why cancer can be fun", "Make the most of your cancer", "How we grew to love cancer", ... and so on. In another corner, there was still Pete Wedderburn with his "furry animal" blog: "Why the possum is man's best friend", "Give your mother a scorpion for her birthday" and "A gorilla is for life, not just for Christmas".

One of Pete Wedderburn's remaining fans.

But apart from that, nothing. No Toby Youngs, no Norman Tebbits, not even a humble Geoffrey Lean. What calamity had struck the Telegraph? All Eccles could find was a broken statue, bearing the following words: MY NAME IS DAMIAN THOMPSON, KING OF KINGS, LOOK ON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR...

Lies, all lies...

Eccles moved on to the Guardian, well-known as a wasteland full of dangerous creatures. There he suffered three temptations at the hands of Giles Fraser. At this point, some readers will say "There is no such thing as Giles Fraser. He doesn’t exist. At his best, he is a very human projection of ourselves and our darkest nature." But still, the legend goes as follows:

Fraser showed Eccles his Guardian articles and said: "If you are a saved person, then turn these stones into spiritual nourishment." But Eccles replies: "It is written: 'Man cannot live on the words of Giles Fraser, but only on words that come from the mouth of God.'"

Then Fraser took Eccles up to the moral high ground, from where he could look down into the abyss of Radio 4. "Jump in," he said. "If you are a saved person, then the Lord will protect you from the Today Programme, the Moral Maze, and all other places where my views are to be found." But Eccles replied, "Don't tempt me to turn on the radio. Please."

Can Radio 4 really lead you to Evan?

Finally Fraser showed Eccles all the United Kingdom and its splendour. "Bow down and worship Ed Miliband," he said. "and a new socialist era will dawn, in which children may learn all about homosexual relations, yeah, even at the age of five. What's not to like?"

But Eccles shouted "Get thee behind me, Fraser!" and left for another wilderness.

Eccles flees the human projection of our darkest nature.

To be continued.

Christians get ready to observe Ramadan

We are guided today by a brilliant observation from the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales:

Of course! The time has come to combine Ramadan and Lent into one great period of abstinence, to be called Ramalent, or Lentadan, or something. Rentalamb. Whatever. Maybe we can get the Jews on board too, and combine Lent with Yom Kippur as well. We've agreed to eat no bacon on Fridays - see how much common ground we have already? Crumbs! The Middle-East crisis is as good as solved, even without the efforts of Tony Blair!

A new-look Catholic cat.

For Christians, Lent is the time when Christ went into the desert and met the Devil - or, according to Giles Fraser, didn't meet the Devil. If only Matthew, Mark and Luke had been Guardian-readers they'd have known that such a thing was impossible! Mohammed of course did not meet the Devil, or even Giles Fraser, but his followers still recommend Ramadan as a period of fasting, at least until it gets dark, when Muslims can PARTY!

See? Muslims love liturgical dancing, just as Christians do!

Mgr Ronald Knox wrote a fine piece, Reunion all round, about the possible inclusion of Muslims, Jews, Atheists, etc. into the Church of England (where they would hardly be thought of as unusual). One of his best recommendations was that Muezzins should awake people in the morning by intoning simple, non-controversial messages from church towers, such as:

Early to bed, and early to rise,
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise!

"Mohammed said 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' Are you Catholics happy with that one?"

Indeed, other messages are possible. The Anglicans might wish to use the well-known statement of faith, which applies to every issue they discuss (it was first published in Private Eye, I think):

On the one hand...
On the other hand...
In a very real sense...

while the Catholics may simply shout out:

Who am I to judge?

One of Westminster's finest mosques (prop. Imam Nichols).

Anyway, these precise reforms are probably further down the line; although the Tablet, as usual, is in the vanguard, and is already tipping Jihad John as the next bishop of Arundel and Brighton. Meanwhile, we Christians can prepare for Ramadan with a clear conscience, knowing that we are now eligible for 72 virgins in Paradise (offer available to men only) as an alternative to an eternity in Abraham's bosom.