The pope's eight wondrous achievements

Arriving at the quarter-final stage of the World Cup of Francis Achievements, we are left with eight truly memorable accomplishments. Now, some people who saw this World Cup in action accused me of attacking the pope in some way, but this is very unfair, as I did not say whether the entries were to be regarded positively or negatively. In the end, they are all positive!

Let me come clean, and say that I am a huge fan of "Peter" and am hoping to get a job writing for the blog "Where Peter is Wonderful", which explains that the pope is always right, even when he is wrong. So let's analyse the eight quarter-finalists in detail. (Actually, not all the polls are closed yet, but it is now fairly clear who will win.)

"My new book, Pope Francis the great achiever, will have eight chapters."

Traditiones Custodes. Surely one of the jewels in the crown of Pope Francis's reign. Those nasty divisive traddies, who wanted to use the Extraordinarily Good Form that their grandparents knew, were clearly causing discord, schism, hatred, loathing, traumas, etc. by refusing to learn vernacular and celebrate the Novus Ordo in Tower of Babelese. We know that Pope Francis got it right, as those who object to TC are already saying that it has caused discord, schism, hatred, loathing, traumas, etc. Francis the blessed peacemaker knows that the best way to achieve peace is to get your retaliation in first!

Who am I to judge? Yet again, the Wonderful Father has hit the nail on the head. The full quotation is "If a lot of miserable sinners call themselves Catholic and find that repenting is too much of a bother, who am I to judge?" We Bergoliolators have noticed that Pope Francis never judges. Well, except when he says people are too rigid, or fomenters of coprophagia, or self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians - or when he hates them simply because they supported the wrong side in the Falklands War. So let sin thrive!

Amoris Laetitia. Pope Francis has written the definitive treatise on Catholic morals. Although the ideal family has two parents of either the same or different sexes, together with 2.3 children and a white cat called Tiddles, not all families can achieve this, and some find that an adulterous lifestyle is more convenient. Mr Mercy has understood this, and reassures them that with the aid of discernment, walking together, perhaps some Ignatian yoga, their needs can also be accommodated.

An ideal father.

The Church in China. One of the great successes of the Stupendous Father. No longer are bishops to be appointed for their spirituality, wisdom, orthodox beliefs and "good shepherd" qualities - and look how well that turned out in the west! - but the title of "Bishop" is now a grade in the Chinese Civil Service, just above Head Jailer and Assistant Torturer and just below Lord High Executioner. Some people will say that having all Catholics driven underground on pain of arrest is a bad thing, but Francis knows best. In the west, few bishops have torturing skills (Wilton Gregory, Declan Lang, a few others?) and we need more!

Pachamama worship. This has been criticised by a few fascists who persist in sticking to the old ways. It is now generally agreed that Pachamama is not the Mother Earth Goddess - and who would complain if she were? - but simply another version of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Or she may be a vision of Greta Thunberg, five years from now, expecting a bonny bouncing carbon-free baby. Whoever she is, she is not to be thrown into the Tiber. That commandment on having "no other gods but me" is a bit stale now, isn't it? Obviously different Catholics will prefer different gods!

The Abu Dhabi statement. There was much brilliant material in this declaration: for example an agreement that "We Catholics will not stab Muslims in the street if your lot don't stab us (however, we can't speak for the Quakers, who are notorious oat-fuelled fiends)." But the bit that got people talking was where Pope Francis explained that God doesn't particularly favour the Christian religion, and He prefers a bit of diversity. So there's really not much point being a Catholic after all. This is true HUMILITY from the one man who you would expect to stick up for the Catholic Church.

Not covered by the Abu Dhabi agreement.

The German synodal path. Synods are wonderful things, which is why we shall soon be holding a Grand Ten-year Synod about the synodality of synods about synodal synods. So the German Synodal Path (or as they so elegantly call it Der Synodalerkardinalmarxderdickemannhatzuvielewürstegegessenweg) really puts the "syn" in Synod! Everything is up for grabs - new ideas on sexual morality, women priests and bishops, and a total rewriting of Catholicism from scratch to get rid of the embarrassing bits! This is of course a precursor of other synodal paths - new rules depending on where you live (see also under "China", "Pachamama" and "Abu Dhabi"). Now this is not schismatic, oh no, far from it. Because nobody will be using Latin.

Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick. Look, Ted's just this guy you know? He may have got himself into a spot of trouble, according to a brief 449-page report, but Pope Francis took a very firm line on this, rushing to laicise him only five years after he found out about it. Francis had obviously made him a trusted adviser because Ted knew more about sexual abuse than anyone else - when you need information, go to the experts! Uncle Ted is now living quietly in retirement, hoping to be sent to a prison that has its own built-in beach house. A happy ending for everyone!

"Pope Francis says 'You've all done very well!'"

The results of the knock-out rounds will be posted here as we get them.

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Quarter-final 1: Traditionis Custodes 73.4 v Who am I to judge? 26.6

Quarter-final 2: Amoris Laetitia 44.6 v Treatment of the church in China 55.4

Quarter-final 3: Pachamama worship 90.0 v The Abu Dhabi statement 10.0

Quarter-final 4: Supporting the German synodal path 40.8 v Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick 59.2

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Semi-final 1: Traditionis Custodes 72.3 v Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick 27.7

Semi-final 2: Treatment of the church in China 37.5 v Pachamama worship 62.5

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick 20.9 v Treatment of the church in China 79.1

China gets the Bronze medal!

FINAL: Traditionis Custodes 41.2 v Pachamama worship 58.8

Gold medal for Pachamama, Silver for Traditionis Custodes!

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 6: How to avoid Qu'ran'tain

Continued from Chapter 5.

1. After forty days and forty nights the people of BALM ceased to wage war on statues, and the children of Bri-tain became anxious about the plague once more.

2. So there was a great rejoicing in the land when Bosis told them that more freedom would be granted to them.

3. The houses of public could reopen, but those who entered must at all times remain at a distance of four cubits from their drinks.

4. The cutters of hair could work as before, but only on those who were bald, such as Elisha the prophet.

Elisha waiteth for his haircut.

5. So that those who were hairy men, like unto Esau, must remain forever unshorn.

6. Also, the eating-houses were open, but only for those who were fasting.

7. But finally Bosis agreed that everyone who wished to eat, drink, or be shorn could now do so, but must wear masks at all times.

8. Finally, even the churches were allowed to open, although the faithful were told to obey the new commandments of Bosis.

9. For it is written, "Shun thy neighbour. Receive the Lord in thy sanitized hands. Do not sing unto the Lord a new song. Worship ye the Lord by booking ahead on the web that is wide."

10. Now, it being summer time, many left the land of Bri-tain to seek sunshine, the wine that is cheap, and the companionship of the mosquito. Yeah, even in the land of EU-gypt.

11. But Bosis was angry, for the people were enjoying themselves at last. And many were seen without masks.

The anger of Bosis.

12. So Bosis sent out a decree, that those who returned from EU-gypt must go to a place called Qu'ran'tain for fourteen days and fourteen nights.

13. In Qu'ran'tain they might not leave their houses.

14. If they wished to eat, they should pray, and manna would be dropped from Heaven. If they wished to walk their dogs, they should march round the room seventy times seven times. If they fell sick, they were told to die quietly.

15. For Bosis had discovered that the Service of Health worked very well when nobody tried to use it.

16. Meanwhile, there were many who wished to enter Bri-tain without passing through Qu'ran'tain. So they rode across the sea in the boats of rubber, and no man attempted to block their way.

The makers of holiday hurry back to work.

Continued in Chapter 7.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld SJ - hero or villain?

A Damian Thompson special. Already Austen Ivereigh and Robert Mickens are rushing to Blofeld's defence, so it must be good.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld SJ is a priest living in New York, who has cornered the market in heresy and world domination. As editor-at-large of the SPECTRE magazine, he is the most famous Jesuit in the United States; probably the most popular, too. And also the most disliked. Hated, even.

Fr Blofeld, author of The Jesuit Guide to World Domination.

What is there to dislike about this scrupulously polite Jesuit? Compared with the activist Fr Goldfinger ("You expect me to talk? No, Cardinal Bond, I expect you to die.") he is not particularly liberal. Yet, in middle age Fr Blofeld has moved to the left, and embraces the fashionable consensus on almost every issue that alienates conservative Catholics.

Although he does not have a good head of hair, I know that Fr Blofeld is fond of custard and the music of Gladys Mills, so... I'm sorry, I thought I was still writing for the Telegraph. This is the Catholic Herald, isn't it? Start again.

"You only live twice" - a typical heretical teaching from Fr Blofeld.

Blofeld's sex life (I thought that would get you reading again) is a mystery to all. When he joined the Jesuits he was asked whether he was a virgin and said no. However, he has not been known to sleep with members of either sex, although he has expressed himself anxious to build bridges with the LGBT community (this is an obscure Jesuit expression, and nobody would explain to us what it means).

The truth is that Fr Blofeld is, like many of us, a victim of the culture wars. His obsession with world domination has caused him to ally with the destructive side in every Catholic debate, alienating himself from Catholics who honestly disagree with his political opinions. This is not the true nature of Ignatian spirituality, which rarely concerns itself with firing nuclear missiles, destroying satellites, or holding the world to ransom.

"The name's Martin. James Martin." (You're getting confused, Damian.)

If the engaging Fr Blofeld really cannot see the problem, then perhaps he should be learning, rather than teaching, fearless methods of self-examination.

Only cute pets can go to Heaven

As is usual nowadays, Fr Federico Lombardi has clarified the off-the-cuff remarks of Pope Francis that all God's creatures are saved. "What the Holy Father really said," he explained, "is that all cute animals are saved." The offer does not apply to the Hound of the Baskervilles, for example; and pit bull terriers will still end up in the pits of Hades.

Cute enough to be saved.

It was explained that, whereas Jesus died to save humans from their sins, animals as such do not have a great idea of the difference between Good and Evil, being in that respect something like Members of Parliament or Guardian-readers. For instance, how do you tell the difference between a good crocodile and a bad crocodile when it's biting your leg off? Moreover, it would be inconvenient to have crocodiles wandering round Heaven, even ones equipped with angels' wings.

An optimistic crocodile sings "Amazing Grace".

C.S. Lewis once said that a Heaven for mosquitoes could be combined with a Hell for humans. Nowadays, modern teaching has largely abolished the idea of Hell, and Good and Evil are replaced with Niceness - see the Niceone Creed for details. Nevertheless, being able to decide whether one is saved simply on the basis of one's Cuteness applies only to animals, and not to humans. For example, many of the saints were not at all cute.

John the Baptist - as un-cute as Russell Brand but still saved.

Fr Lombardi added that simply possessing a cute pet was not an automatic guarantee for salvation: the pet itself would have to abandon its owner in the afterlife. Cats, for example, will do this without any scruples.

Only one of these is saved. Can you work out which it is?

According to Biblical teaching, God has decided that sheep are saved, and goats are not; this does indeed follow the principle of "cuteness", as goats are not generally regarded as cute animals. Indeed it is hard to imagine Pope Francis trying to gain credibility by walking around with an unsaved goat round his neck. Q.E.D.

The Pope poses with a saved creature.